My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

aridane has great advice which I agree with. He sounds very depressed and so I think a trip to the gp would be the best idea. He needs some help sorting his head out.
I don’t think he’s choosing to feel like this and men usually bottle things up to the point if it all overspilling. He sounds overwhelmed with life - some people don’t cope with stress and life changes that haven’t been planned very well.

You sound totally amazing op. You sound like you’re being really supportive in what must be a very tough time for you with a possible house move, 2 young children and a third on the way. He kind to yourself. Take some time to breath, don’t overthink things and keep on posting here, or talking to people in RL - whatever helps.

@Booberella9 And why pull out of house purchase, what's changed there? After mat leave you will be going back to work after all, and you still all need somewhere to live.

Possibly because he has other plans with someone else.

I can see that he may be really depressed or he's messing with you but I don't think men should get a ticket to be free. He can have a mental breakdown and you have to get on with it. No preventative measures for future children. It's his own doing especially after two children. He should know how it goes.

I'd be much more firm. He can't cope? Okay, I'd be there for him and give him time to relax in the day to de-stress from work but if he thinks he can just walk off and live a separate life then he can think again. He takes the two boys with him whilst you concentrate on this pregnancy. You are not the default child minder.

I also think he needs to stay in the same house and not be allowed to move out and get a taste of single life. He can take a break from the home with the boys.

He can't forget that he's a father. If he really cares which he seems to mention when he's upset, then he can prove that. He can't just get a free pass for his breakdown because he has two children to look after and they must go with him.

My gut feeling on reading this is that he might have depression. It is good he is seeing a counsellor. I would encourage him to go to the gym or do some other activity as in my experience doing exercise can make one feel more positive and optimistic. I do feel for you having to deal with this at 20 weeks pregnant. I would try to remain calm and hope that this difficult stage will pass. Accept any offers of help with the kids and try and meet up with a good friend.

He said he felt a bit like this before DS2 but never said anything until now.

I do not understand this, if neither of you were contraception and you were having sex (no matter how infrequently) how was the 3rd pregnancy a surprise.

His current behaviour might be a surprise to you but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s out of character. I don’t know if he’s asking for help or absolution (looking for a plausible way out of your marriage) but you can’t ‘fix’ him.

The balls in his court but it appears like he’s already making excuses, yet acting the martyr for staying (for now). i mean seriously, if he was unsure about #2 how was not taking precautions going to lessen the likelihood of #3?

Society unfortunately affords men the luxury to check out of family life without much blow back. Him rewriting history about not wanting more than one child and not being in love with you, sounds like he’s taken advantage of a very popular escape route.

He will either get professional help, or he will abscond. You need to prepare yourself for the worst and get as much support as necessary because he could easily put you through the emotional wringer in an effort to position himself as the victim in this narrative.

I’m so sorry but please resist the urge to take responsibility for his behaviour m.

Snap.
This is pretty much what happened not me.
All the words, phrases, actions, emotions...all snap.
He was having an affair.

I agree with Aridane. He sounds unwell.

My father had something like this- you post saying he's like a shell of himself really jumped out at me.

It's v bad timing for you obvs, but try to get him some mental health support. Good luck OP

The fact you say he is not himself/is a shell of himself leads me to think he is depressed and as such irrational (so please don’t take what he says to heart).

Please get him to see his GP and try medication. Given a chance to work meds will help him balance his brain chemistry/lift his mood so he isn’t distracted by and focused on his own misery and in time get him back to his old self.

If he had an infected wound you would send him straight to the gp for antibiotics. To my mind his brain chemistry is out of kilter (probably triggered by stress/worries/insomnia?) and meds - will help him get things back on track. Reducing stress where you can, just for now, might also help and by that i don’t mean not helping with the kids, but yes perhaps putting the house purchase on hold just for now and accepting a bit of help from grandparents where it is available.

What does him not loving you the same mean & is this something that has come from his counselling?

It's hard to know if he's being selfish by dumping this on you or if he's really struggling.

If he's struggling then he needs to continue seeking help for himself & trying not to be snappy/nasty.

I agree he needs to do some looking after his kids though & not just take no responsibility.

I believe @Aridane has described a possible scenario well.

He sounds under a lot of stress. However, I’m in two minds about the cause of that. Personally, I don’t think this 3rd child is the cause of it because he mentioned feeling similar emotions before.

Either:

1. he’s stressed and depressed by work and financial worries. Once you get stressed about something, thoughts can spiral out of control and it’s hard to get your mind back to a more realistic, stable place.

2. he’s always felt like this (not wanting the whole family thing) and this 3rd pregnancy has just been the trigger to make him say something, along with him being generally down about work, etc

3. he’s having an affair or has his eye on someone else.

My husband left me and, to be honest, it was a mix of all three. It was the fact he had his eye on another woman that brought things to a head though as I feel we could have possibly worked through the stress.

I tried to fix things but it was never going to work while his mind was elsewhere (on the woman he fancied). Looking back, I wish I’d prioritised myself more and spent less effort worrying about him. He said similar things to your DH, including not wanting our first child. It was hugely hurtful. But I now think these things were almost justifications for wanting to leave.

So - prioritise yourself and your children. Tell him to see a GP. Do some subtle snooping. Try to look at what he says objectively and analytically. He’s being credibly self-indulgent.

Incredibly not credibly

I agree with Aridane as well. He sounds absolutely overwhelmed, stressed and heading for a breakdown. Buying a house is obviously going to impact on your financial situation. You are in a low rent property and have still had to pay of debts. Is he worried about supporting his family with a mortgage?
I feel for you too, you must be devestated but don't give up on him just yet. The usual mumsnet response of he's a dick/ selfish/ having an affair is unfair.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

We went there - even got to the solicitor stage when I was expecting child 3. We sorted it and are still together - it may be repairable.

All those saying the usual MN derision is misplaced here are not remembering all those threads where the first stages of wtf involve a husband who's suffering.

This man is just going through the stages very fast. Usually there's the slight distance, the snappy irritability with wife and children... wife tiptoes around trying to figure what's wrong.

Some of his expressions are truly appalling. Didn't even want ds2? Will stay and keep being miserable?

I am willing to bet hard cold cash there's something, or someone else behind this.

If the last 15 years have been more or less normal, no way did he hit a MLC crisis all on his own. Just no. Maybe do an mn search with keywords "husband, depressed, ow, woman".

I'm really sorry you're in this, please take all the support and advice you can from here, and those in real life who have your interests at heart - not those who want you to maintain the status quo ....

Lots of reasons here he could be doing this and I doubt at the moment you’re going to get to the bottom of it (and trying to is going to make you ill) I’d be carrying on as if this were a split - you do not need to be wasting your energy on trying to figure him out/fix him.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

When he has stabilised his mental health and is “well” - able to function go to work/take the kids out/cook a meal etc for a number of weeks without you worrying if he is ok/coping etc - then and only then take what he is saying about how he is feeling and his emotions seriously. While he is unwell even he has no idea how he truly feels about things as a well person.

Always the men
Us women don’t have the luxury to mentally check out
He’s doing it because he can.

Absolutely this! I'd be sitting him down and making plans for 50/50 custody. Let him see how massively his life will change. Don't willingly become the single mum managing the kids while he gets to be a bachelor again and Disney Dad. 🤔

Oh and the whole stressed/depressed stuff and blaming you for him wanting to leave/ my ex husband did that: ditched his job, left us in another country, moved back to America, all the while telling me he ‘lived me’ but wasn’t ‘in love with me’ etc etc etc etc - turned out there was another woman. Who he moved in with immediately, with her children, less than a month after her very recently estranged husband had suddenly died.

Do not waste your emotional energy and just get on with getting on.

I'm a bit confused. He says his feelings have changed for you, and he's going to miss the children?? Tell him he won't miss the children as he will be taking them with him snd you will be looking after the third child when it's born. He's making a massive assumption that you and the children are one unit.
And this too

It's possible that he's a twat, but it's also possible that he is suffering from depression. Unfortunately a lot of people don't want to accept that they are suffering from depression. I would recommend getting him to read "Depressive illness, the curse of the strong" by Dr Tim Cantopher. Reading that book helped me to see that I was suffering from depression (which is a physical illness that none of us choose to have), that it was actually no great surprise that I'd got it (you get it when you've tried to do too much for too long) and that there was absolutely no shame at all in getting help for it (in the same way people accept medical help for other physical illnesses). It must be worth him reading that book and seeing if it helps. I wish you the very best OP.

Big hugs here too. What a difficult situation! I don’t know if your DH is depressed (but it sounds like he could well be). I don’t know if anyone else is involved. I do know that long relationships are bloody hard work and children add to the load. It sounds as though things between you were strained before the third pregnancy and all it has done is pushed a crisis that was already latent. There is your relationship here and what you both want for the future, and there are practical concerns about what you do now in relation to living arrangements and your children. Would you consider relationship counselling? It may help you have the difficult conversations you need to have. Harness all the emotional and practical support you can.

There was a poster who had almost a situation almost identical to your a few months ago. She wasnt pregnant but had kids. Bloke said the exact same thing.

If I recall, she said fine, lets see a solicitor for divorce and he broke down in tears and begged to stay. Turns out he'd been having some kind of mental breakdown too. I have no idea how that turned out in the end but I wonder if this is similar. Thats no excuse of course- he's behaving like an absolute turd and my advice to the first poster was to get rid.
I agree with everything Milk said, not much more to add except that women are strong- way stronger than men on an emotional level so if you do split up, just know you WILL get through it.

Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who care about you. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this

I'm going to take the hard line here.

You need to prepare for the worst. It might never happen but if it does you need to be one step ahead and prepared.

Google 'relationship180' - if he is up to something like an affair then this technique will save your sanity and hopefully give him the shock that he can't behave like this.

Get your documents saved. See a solicitor, make arrangements if the worst happened, then hope it doesn't happen. It maybe won't. But you want to be in control and calm if the shit hits the fan, particularly being pregnant.

Sorry OP, this is shit, but you can handle it.

Dont be surprised if an OW comes out of the woodwork, maybe not immediately but sounds as if his head has been turned and he is evaluating your relationship, wondering if the grass could be greener on the other side.