Advice needed. DH being blackmailed over affair he says he didn't have

[Plastictattoo]

I need advice as very confused here.
Approx a year ago I had a feeling that somwthing wasn't right with DH's behaviour so asked to check his phone. Initially he snatched it off me and refused. I used the MN classic line 'That tells me everything I need to know' and he so he let me look. He said 'I don't know what you are going to see. There are some flirty messages with Cath'. (Cath, not real name is an ex colleague, not real name). Stupidly I just checked Messenger and not Whatsapp as I'm not tech savvy. There was nothing there but he admitted he had a crush on her and had arranged to meet her at a party for a colleague that weekend. He was going to stay at the hotel with a group including her.
We talked things through. Nothing had happened except messages etc. He didn't go to the party and agreed to remove her phone number and unfriend on FB.
Fast forward to last night when he told ne that Cath's DH, Andy, was trying to blackmail him for £5000.
Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her. Andy doesn't work and has/ had drug issues. Cath forwarded messages to my DH which I gave seen. He names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me).
I asked my husband why, what evidence does he have etc. DH insists that there were messages but he doesn't remember what they say, that the messages were just arranging to meet for work dos, about wirk, general chat etc. All messages have been deleted (of course).
My DH's initial reaction before telling me was to go into my FB while I was asleep and block Andy so he couldn't contact me. Now I have never met Andy and wasn't FB friends with Cath as only met her twice.
I don't know whether to contact Andy to see what he knows but don't want to feed the drama.
Desperately need advice about next steps. Am going to work now but will be back at lunch.
TIA

Unblock Andy and change your fb password. In an amused voice tell DH you've unblocked him to see what nonsense he comes up with. But don't tell DH you've changed your password. See how frantic or not he gets. And how soon.

He may try to play it cool - until you're asleep and he tries to get into your fb again and finds he can't.

And how do you know that Andy is still a druggie?
It sounds very much like calling the ex wife crazy. So that no one believes her.

You should contact him and find out the truth. Because drama is going to be had either way and you dp is hoping that if he tell you some things you believe him.

You need to know as much as possible to truly work out what you are to do for you and your dc

It’s possible that it’s not Cath and Andy but in fact Cath and your DH and that is £5K blackmail plot is just a line for him to explain 5 grand going missing.

Have you checked your bank balances OP?

Maybe he is giving her the money because she’s pregnant. Maybe it’s for them to run away together....I don’t know, but I wouldn’t discount the possibility due the amount of barefaced lies your H has told you. I wouldn’t trust the man as far as I could throw him.

I’d report to the police and chuck him out as he has most certainly had an affair with Cath.

So sorry

Blackmail aside...which I would report to the police by the way....your DH has something to hide....its very very obvious.

He admitted a crush, arranged to meet her, if you hadn't found out he'd have probably snagged her that night at the hotel.

Contact andy if you feel the need for proof...but tbh I'd be gone. Cheating, lying, sneaking, drama, other women.....fuck THAT op.

Good luck

Call the police about Andy. Don't discuss with DH in advance.

If he really exists and really is a dangerous druggie and his Cath really did have to escape in the night then the police need to be involved. Don't rely on Cath or DH to call, they are to enmeshed in the drama.

Call the police. Let them deal with the drama. They are far more likely to get to the truth than you. Of there's any true risk you need them aware asap.

How do you know that Andy is a 'druggie'? Because your cheating husband says so? What better way to be able to negate anything Andy says about his wife sleeping with your husband? "Oh, Andy's a druggie, he's off his rocker. It was just some innocent flirting!". Yeah, right.

He had an affair. He's trying to convince you otherwise by 'shooting the messenger'. I don't think you need to contact Andy. I think you already know the truth.

I think your DH is making this all up. Have you seen any threatening messages?

WRT Andy, your dh can encourage him to do his worst as he actually has no hold over him.

Go to the police about the blackmail and the threats.

Done. Except I think your dh is still lying to you, or at least minimising. Once Andy has sent you everything he has (probably nothing, but you never know) then you can take it from there vis a vis dealing with dh.

*How do you know that Andy is a 'druggie'? Because your cheating husband says so? What better way to be able to negate anything Andy says about his wife sleeping with your husband? "Oh, Andy's a druggie, he's off his rocker. It was just some innocent flirting!". Yeah, right.

He had an affair. He's trying to convince you otherwise by 'shooting the messenger'. I don't think you need to contact Andy. I think you already know the truth*

yep! this is totally on the nose. I seriously doubt there is any blackmail or that Andy is some violent druggy monster, he's more than likely some poor ordinary guy who's found out his partner's cheated on him. Keeping you and Andy from speaking is to your husband and Cath's advantage, 100%.

@Plastictattoo 100% tell the police. Blackmail is a serious crime.

Ok OP so let’s say the texts from Andy to your DH threatening to “come for him” are legit - Andy must really believe he has enough material to threaten your DH with.
I feel you are making it all about this Andy nutter and minimising the fact that your DH has obviously been up to know good. Are you going to bury your head in the sand? It sounds like you are..

I think your husband is telling lies.

I would be getting an STI test and a divorce lawyer if I was you.

It's clear that your husband had an affair. I also don't believe Andy is a 'druggie'.

As others have said, call your husband's bluff by saying that you should go to the police together.

In your shoes I would find it very difficult to not unblock Andy. I would want to know what he had to say.

Whether it is true or not is totally irrelevant.

Blackmail is illegal. Call the police.

Plastictattoo if you go to the blackmailer he'd probably try to get money out of you to see the info he has.

I agree with the others, go to the police. Whether it's true or not is irrelevant on that score.

But, it does look like your husband is probably a cheat, sorry. And he's not being straight with you.

I am amazed at the number of people telling you to contact Andy!

Andy is a loose cannon, possibly dangerous, and definitely not a good person. He also - based on what your husband has said, has no reason to share information with you. He’s not going to get his £5K now. So even if he HAS proof, he might not share with you. This is not a hurt cheated upon man, who altruistically doesn’t want you going through the same.

Your husband thinks Andy has enough to go on, that Andy has contacted him.

I think your husband has had an affair. All the initial signs were there, and affairs are really not unusual. I’d be telling him - you admit it, we can work on it. That would be a trap though - I’d want him to admit it, for my piece of mind!

I think I’d start by telling your husband to ask for proof - he’s not going to send £5K without proof, is he? Then your husband HAS to show you the replies.

I wouldn't believe a word your husband says. Andy can't blackmail unless he has proof. This is like the plot that Colin Firth's wife used to try get away with her carry on.

No question - go to the police.

Then have a long talk with your DH. Andy must think he has something to bargain with. It may be something or nothing.

@thememorylingers

Thank you, I'm still confused though - unless it's that OP's DH says it was purely texting etc and there's actually a full blown affair.... she already knows about the messaging.... what else could he want to divulge to her?

Methinks it sounds like a duck, it looks like a duck.... his reaction speaks volumes to me. I'm another in camp 'unblock Andy, change your FB password, tell DH you've unlocked Andy. His reaction will tell you everything.

I don’t believe your DH.

I’d also question whether Andy really knows and really wants to tell you. His account might be blocked but it takes less than a minute to create a new Facebook account and, therefore, be able to message you. I’d also question if Andy exists - the account with his name could easily be being operated by Cath or your DH.

Sorry, you have to go through this. If I were you, I would tell my H that I called the police. In case he is guilty, he will stop you.

Blocking him on Facebook is a huge thing especially if he was going to tell you his 'side' of the story. He doesn't want you to get another version.

This is bullshit OP. Your DH wants Andy blocked because he cheated on you, Andy has proof and wants to tell you and your DH is blocking his way of contacting you.

Don’t go to the police!! The most likely situation is that there is no blackmail plot. There is no Andy.

If there is an Andy, it’s probably a man who has just found out that his wife is having an affair with your husband. He might be cross, and threatening to tell you (I’d feel like it if I were him!)

Your husband has been having an affair, and now that the OW’s husband knows, your husband is creating a ridiculous situation to diffuse and distract.

If you can see Andy, unblock him. Don’t contact him necessarily, but. Ale sure he can contact you if he wants to discuss your partners affairs and what he knows.

I’m very sorry for your situation, but your husband is most probably a liar and a cheat

I’m still at your husband going into your Facebook account. Mine wouldn’t know my password, let alone think he could dick about with my settings!