Advice needed. DH being blackmailed over affair he says he didn't have

[Plastictattoo]

I need advice as very confused here.
Approx a year ago I had a feeling that somwthing wasn't right with DH's behaviour so asked to check his phone. Initially he snatched it off me and refused. I used the MN classic line 'That tells me everything I need to know' and he so he let me look. He said 'I don't know what you are going to see. There are some flirty messages with Cath'. (Cath, not real name is an ex colleague, not real name). Stupidly I just checked Messenger and not Whatsapp as I'm not tech savvy. There was nothing there but he admitted he had a crush on her and had arranged to meet her at a party for a colleague that weekend. He was going to stay at the hotel with a group including her.
We talked things through. Nothing had happened except messages etc. He didn't go to the party and agreed to remove her phone number and unfriend on FB.
Fast forward to last night when he told ne that Cath's DH, Andy, was trying to blackmail him for £5000.
Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her. Andy doesn't work and has/ had drug issues. Cath forwarded messages to my DH which I gave seen. He names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me).
I asked my husband why, what evidence does he have etc. DH insists that there were messages but he doesn't remember what they say, that the messages were just arranging to meet for work dos, about wirk, general chat etc. All messages have been deleted (of course).
My DH's initial reaction before telling me was to go into my FB while I was asleep and block Andy so he couldn't contact me. Now I have never met Andy and wasn't FB friends with Cath as only met her twice.
I don't know whether to contact Andy to see what he knows but don't want to feed the drama.
Desperately need advice about next steps. Am going to work now but will be back at lunch.
TIA

Just unblock Andy and message him.

Your DH isn't being very trustworthy either way so I would unblock Andy and ask him what he knows. Sorry you have to go through this OP.

Do not contact Andy. This is a man who is trying to blackmail someone. Nothing he says or does can be trusted and I think it's very odd how many people seem to think you should reach out to him.

Your Dh should be contacting the police and obviously refusing to pay.

I suspect Cath left her job and moved away to get away from her druggie ex.

However it does seem theres been some inappropriate messaging going on. Could be his reticence now is basic guilty feelings coming through. However remember on Mumsnet any accusation of infidelity is an automatic guilty irrespective of any involvement and a few inappropriate messages is all the proof you need of a full on affair.

It sounds like he’s guilty op. He’s minimising I think they always do that.

Cath moves fast, after an argument at the weekend she has already quit her job and relocated? I'd be wondering if she was involved in the blackmail too.

Good point!

Two issues -
Do you really believe that your dh is as innocent as he's making out? Not sure that I'd believe the 'only messaging' story.
Do you think enough of your dh, even if he has actually been unfaithful, to save him from being blackmailed?
Unfortunately you have to deal with them in the reverse order - stop this blackmail shit in its tracks, then deal with the future of your marriage.
I might be saying 'ok, let's call Andy's bluff and get rid of him, then we go full disclosure and if you are lying then I'll have that £5k in addition to a gold star divorce settlement'.

There is so much going on here I wouldn’t know what to believe either.

Cath moves fast, after an argument at the weekend she has already quit her job and relocated? This also struck me as rather odd.

I’d still be suspicious, really £5k for a couple of flirty work texts and a party he never went to. That’s a hell of an amount to cover up something some people wouldn’t think twice about. Also these interactions were allegedly from a year ago and had allegedly since stopped. This is a whole lot of drama for some old messages.

I would want to know exactly what Andy has as proof, to see it. Highly unlikely that will happen so I would remain very suspicious. Sorry you are going through this OP.

I'd be speaking to Andy, find out what he knows. And I'd speak to Cath.

2 things here
1-blackmail is a crime so you both need to go to the police. The ex could be desperate for money and is just trying it on or there could be more to it but either way it’s a crime and he shouldn’t get away with it. The police won’t care about your relationship or judge you so don’t feel guilty or ashamed about reporting him.

2 - You need full disclosure from your dh about what info he may or may or may it have and then you decide what you do once you have that info.

Don't contact a drug addict who's happy to blackmail people! Why would you want to let someone like that into your life.

Tell the OW that it's all out in the open now so there's no drama. Then have a good hard think about the future.

In my opinion messaging and organising meeting secretly is an emotional affair. That line was crossed already so you know your husband has been a cheat. I think Cathy is in on it too, like others have said.

You’re being fed a crock of shit and lies by your husband (not DH) and cath. Call Andy and find out what he knows. I suspect there is a lot you don’t know. You’re going to find out they’ve shagged and they’ve done it over a long period of time. She doesn’t move out, relocate, move kids etc all in the space of a few days. You’re being played and I’m guessing this “demanding money” story is a crock of shit too. Tell your not DH that you’re going to contact Andy and then call the police to report him for blackmail. See the fucker squirm then. Time to find out exactly what’s what and get yourself a STI check.

YOUR DH IS LYING.
Noone realistically thinks they can get 5k for a couple of harmless flirty WhatsApp messages. Thats so ridiculous its laughable.
I'm really sorry OP but I think they slept together and he has the pictures.
I wouldnt do anything to help your H. He's just as culpable here and i'd leave him to deal with this mess. WTF should you be helping him fix this, its his own stupid fault this has happened. Fck him.

Oh and I’m guessing he’s not a drug addict either. You’ve only heard all this from your DH who is a known liar and very shady. He’s making it up as he goes along. He’s already been chatting behind your back and lied. You can’t trust a word he says. Blow this shit wide open.

I really don't know what to make of this, but what I do know is that all these drama llamas sound like they're people you'd be well rid of!

I think a drug addict might try it, or try and convince someone things are worse than they are to try it. It's a sad world when we jump to the conclusion that DH must be lying but the blackmailing drug addict is being completely straight.

LTB

i maybe the biggest cynic here, but really??

there is no blackmail, there was an affair and Cath wants your dh and is causing BIG TROUBLE

Your dh is a slippery one and no mistake...doesn't seem very bright though.

ooh thank goodness for @boopboo ...some company on the cynic bench!

Police and let them deal with it. Blackmail is an offence.

Speak to Andy find out what happened.
I’m assuming he’s not thinking straight so I would say no one is giving him 5k and you’ll report him for blackmail if he says it again.

Andy clearly has far more info than your “D”H is admitting to. I’d be unblocking him and asking. I’d never be able to rest until I knew.

Go to the police because this is a crime. I'm sure if you don't sort it now you'll never get free of this couple.
But be prepared for whatever might be revealed about your husband. Very sorry Op, you must be so stressed.

It really boils down to how much you want to know, you clearly know he has done something wrong but have stayed with him, if you are happy to leave it at that I would go to the police and report the blackmail then carry on. Or you can do some digging AND go to the police and report the blackmail. What you must avoid is engaging with a man who is trying to get £5000 out of the situation, if you/your DH pay up he will be back for more, additionally a blackmailer doesn't seem a trustworthy source of information so I would discount anything he says anyway.
I know this may be an unpopular viewpoint but potentially Cath did try and start at least an emotional affair with your DH in an attempt to escape from her bullying DH, still a shit thing to do but she could be a victim herself in this. Not that that is your problem and there is a strong possibility she could indeed be in on it.