Advice needed. DH being blackmailed over affair he says he didn't have

[Plastictattoo]

I need advice as very confused here.
Approx a year ago I had a feeling that somwthing wasn't right with DH's behaviour so asked to check his phone. Initially he snatched it off me and refused. I used the MN classic line 'That tells me everything I need to know' and he so he let me look. He said 'I don't know what you are going to see. There are some flirty messages with Cath'. (Cath, not real name is an ex colleague, not real name). Stupidly I just checked Messenger and not Whatsapp as I'm not tech savvy. There was nothing there but he admitted he had a crush on her and had arranged to meet her at a party for a colleague that weekend. He was going to stay at the hotel with a group including her.
We talked things through. Nothing had happened except messages etc. He didn't go to the party and agreed to remove her phone number and unfriend on FB.
Fast forward to last night when he told ne that Cath's DH, Andy, was trying to blackmail him for £5000.
Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her. Andy doesn't work and has/ had drug issues. Cath forwarded messages to my DH which I gave seen. He names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me).
I asked my husband why, what evidence does he have etc. DH insists that there were messages but he doesn't remember what they say, that the messages were just arranging to meet for work dos, about wirk, general chat etc. All messages have been deleted (of course).
My DH's initial reaction before telling me was to go into my FB while I was asleep and block Andy so he couldn't contact me. Now I have never met Andy and wasn't FB friends with Cath as only met her twice.
I don't know whether to contact Andy to see what he knows but don't want to feed the drama.
Desperately need advice about next steps. Am going to work now but will be back at lunch.
TIA

sorry OP but there is no way your husband is telling the truth about his encouter with this women.

He has cheated in one way or another.

Id definately meet up with this andy, and the police.

I’d be livid with dh for fiddling with my fb settings It reeks of him having something to hide

This whole situation has been caused by your husband not respecting you as his wife.I don't know how you can even be arsed with him after the way he's treated you. I get that naturally as humans we can appreciate that other people other than our partners are attractive. even I admit to finding people attractive but it doesn't go any further than that. When he started to act on it and flirt or text or meet up with another woman then you are playing games and cheating and lying. this must really hurt you as a person wondering why your husband has basically wandered off to look at somebody else. It's completely out of order and I don't think I personally could stay with a man who told me he had accidentally got feelings for somebody else. Where he just find her sexy or whether he actually loves her those words should never come out of his mouth and he should never before he's ended things with you even do anything about it. it's his problem to be honest your husband doesn't need to give him the money because you already know whatever has gone on. But I don't think you're stupid and I think you know full well that if he was given a chance to sleep with this woman he probably would have done. It's not acceptable behaviour and a marriage that's going through this is one is going to be very hard to say. Even if you find it in your heart to forgive him you will never feel good about yourself in the same way again. That's not how you deserve to live your Life wondering whether he's going to find somebody else again. And also why should you feel like you're not enough. There's always going to be better looking people out later but does that mean we have to feel threatened all the time. Being in a relationship or a marriage with somebody means you love them. ended things with you the minute he had the urge to go after somebody else. I suspect this poor woman's of half has been through a lot of hurting the last few months to and has obviously been through the same as you on the other end.

There’s been no blackmail. Your husband has had an affair with Cath, her DH found out and chucked her out, and is threatening to tell you all the gory details out of revenge.

This was my first thought too... and nothing you've said seems to suggest otherwise. There may well be angry messages from him to your DH, if your DH has been sleeping with his wife. It's not right, but there have been endless threads on here where women have contacted the woman that their husband or partner has cheated with... it's a fairly normal thing to do, if not appropriate.

The blackmail is a red herring here, though. His threat has already happened - you know - so there'd be no reason to pay him. Strictly speaking, blackmail is a crime, but I can't see the police being too interested in this... I hope I'm wrong!

The real issue is the affair. He's shot himself in the foot blocking Andy from your Facebook... because if there was just flirty messages, you already knew about them. Which suggests he's had an affair, or a one-night-stand, and lied to you. I'd struggle greatly with that, but there's no other explanation for why he'd try to protect you from what you already know...

Sorry for the typos I used my microphone because it's quicker x

The blackmailing is irrelevant. Both you and your DH can ignore Andy because you already know your DH cheated. (He did- whether you want to admit that or not- you don’t need any more evidence) so ignore Andy- he can threaten whatever he wants.

Your issue is whether you want to stay with a cheat or not.

Your husband has been having an affair by the sounds of it. Removing Andy from your fb tells you that.
More fool you if you believe him, I'd be straight round to see Andy to see what he has to say and to see the evidence I'm sure he has.

I've read the update but I'm still a bit confused..... Andy said that unless he gets £5k, he'll leave his wife and split the family up? He already knows about the 'affair' so his financial demand is basically to not kick Cath out / split up the family? He'd be happy to stay on the marriage if he gets paid to? Have I misread something?

He has had an affair, it is really obvious. As everyone else said, you only have your DH's word for what Andy is like and we all know what that is worth

I am pretty sure you can retrieve deleted messages.

What platform did they communicate?

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread but I don’t see why dh is worried, you already know dh did fancy her, he’s saying there’s nothing to hide so he has no need to worry.....unless he is guilty as hell and has been unfaithful.

Dh sounds like he’s capable of cheating, he’s already admitted to arranging to meet this woman at a party? And admitted to fancying her?

Why are you with someone you can’t trust?

Has your DH actually shown you any messages or just told you about them? It sounds like the OWH has found out they've had an affair and that's why he's after him.

As Judge Judy would say 'don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining'. He is not being blackmailed. That's a story to cover up for his affair. Of course he went into your FB, he didn't want 'Andy' telling you the truth.

so now your husband is putting the frightners on YOU to stop you delving any deeper...you really have a Prince among men there

he lies about the messages,
hacks into your facebook
fabricates a bogey man and threats

He is flapping so much he must be responsible for Storm Jorge. 3)

Whatever you decide you (DH) do need to report this to the police, for exactly the reasons you don't want to contact Andy. DH's response to that prospect will be very telling. The police would (I expect) want the complaint to come from DH but it would be perfectly reasonable in the circumstances for you to insist on being there when it's made.

I think you will have to decide on the truth yourself. Do you believe your husband or her drug addicted ex? Both have reason to lie although Insusoect the truth is somewhere in between.

As fornthe vlackmail attempts - well you know something is up so they wont work. Its up to your dh and you to decide whether to laugh it off or tell the police

He had an affair with Cath, sorry OP. He does need to go to the police re the blackmail.

@pooopypants

Op says he names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me) - I would take the 'referring to me' to mean Andy is threatening to tell the OP and split the OP's family up.

Whatever may or may not be true about 'Andy', your dh is a cheating scumbag. And how dare he mess with your social media account?

To me and my overly suspicious mind I’d be wondering whether cath and Andy were in on this together as a way of getting a bit of money out of someone? You never know. Failing that I would be thinking my partner had something to worry about.

I’m a cynic too and also think Cath and Andy are in cahoots to extort £5k.

The only thing I would be doing is to kick the cheating, lying fuckwit out of the house. He can deal with the mess he's made.

I’m thinking Cath & Andy are in this together too.

another that agrees Cath and Andy are in this together...