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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed. DH being blackmailed over affair he says he didn't have

227 replies

Plastictattoo · 28/02/2020 08:12

I need advice as very confused here.
Approx a year ago I had a feeling that somwthing wasn't right with DH's behaviour so asked to check his phone. Initially he snatched it off me and refused. I used the MN classic line 'That tells me everything I need to know' and he so he let me look. He said 'I don't know what you are going to see. There are some flirty messages with Cath'. (Cath, not real name is an ex colleague, not real name). Stupidly I just checked Messenger and not Whatsapp as I'm not tech savvy. There was nothing there but he admitted he had a crush on her and had arranged to meet her at a party for a colleague that weekend. He was going to stay at the hotel with a group including her.
We talked things through. Nothing had happened except messages etc. He didn't go to the party and agreed to remove her phone number and unfriend on FB.
Fast forward to last night when he told ne that Cath's DH, Andy, was trying to blackmail him for £5000.
Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her. Andy doesn't work and has/ had drug issues. Cath forwarded messages to my DH which I gave seen. He names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me).
I asked my husband why, what evidence does he have etc. DH insists that there were messages but he doesn't remember what they say, that the messages were just arranging to meet for work dos, about wirk, general chat etc. All messages have been deleted (of course).
My DH's initial reaction before telling me was to go into my FB while I was asleep and block Andy so he couldn't contact me. Now I have never met Andy and wasn't FB friends with Cath as only met her twice.
I don't know whether to contact Andy to see what he knows but don't want to feed the drama.
Desperately need advice about next steps. Am going to work now but will be back at lunch.
TIA

OP posts:
Greenkit · 28/02/2020 09:18

Sounds like they slept together at the very least

FizzyGreenWater · 28/02/2020 09:28

Well I'd contact Andy if you want the actual details and messages relating to the affair that absolutely definitely happened, and decide whether you still want to be with the cheat!

Mayve give Andy a fiver for his trouble but I wouldn't go higher than that.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/02/2020 09:32

I don't believe he is being blackmailed at all. I mean, who would break upa family over a group photo. And she's moved away, relocated the kids etc based on this? Sorry OP there is FAR more going on than he has admitted to you. He is just trying to dig himself out of the shit and coming up with a crazy story and just dig a bigger hole. Call his bluff, tell him you are going to the police as blackmail is a crime, his reaction will be very telling.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/02/2020 09:33

Is 'Cath' pregnant?

Justaboy · 28/02/2020 09:33

Police on this one and now!

Seems to me that they may well be both in on it. Over time is it totally unreasonale to expect a man not to occasionaly posabilly do a bit of flirting with someone else?, maybe put his arm around her or something similar send a perhaps flirty text to someone else with no real meaning etc.

Now thake them out of context and it coud look like its all worse that expected. If the blackmailler had some perhaps phots of the alleged adulters at it shagging each other brains out and they were recognisible on said photos then thats a bloody good proof standard!, but this druggie trying to make his next fix or whatever?. Really?

Jellybeansincognito · 28/02/2020 09:34

Your Dhs answers suggest to me that he’s not being truthful.

I think you should contact the other women, and have a chat with her (don’t tell your husband your doing this). Tell her that you just want the truth, don’t blame her for what has happened but you just would be grateful for a full, truthful account of the situation.

Everycloudandallthat · 28/02/2020 09:35

It sounds so very stressful OP. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

This Andy could be dangerous please don’t contact him and whatever you do DO NOT meet him for coffee as one poster has suggested, if the blackmailing part is true we don’t know what this man is capable of.

I don’t need to reiterate as others have said that this story is a combination of lies and half truths from your husband.

Ones he seem frantic about it? I’m sure you can tell in him how worried he is which will tell you a lot.

Rosalo · 28/02/2020 09:39

Your DH blocked him on your Facebook?

Yeah that sounds dodgy as fuck. I hope things work out and it's all nothing though.

Annaminna · 28/02/2020 09:39

Report to the Police.
Even if your DH has something Andy can use against him, police will make sure Andy can not bother any of you any more.

IReallyDontCare · 28/02/2020 09:40

It never ceases to surprise me the stupidity and lack of self respect that some women have on MN.

The 'D' H is lying and trying to paint himself as the victim.

OP go to the police. They'll investigate and if he is being blackmailed, they will deal with it, and help you establish if your H is lying or not.

If your H doesn't want to go to the police, ask yourself why not? Blackmail is pretty serious. I think he's lying to you and you should get well rid.

BackOnThatRollerCoaster · 28/02/2020 09:41

I cant think of the correct term so I will use one that may fit - your husband is throwing shade at Andy to minimise his own cheating.

He is not being blackmailed at all. Has he had letters, texts, emails, calls demanding money? No from your post. All forwarded message from Cath Hmm So he is trying to minimise his cheating by creating this huge other 'problem' to take your focus.

Claphands · 28/02/2020 09:41

Whatever you do, don’t meet Andy or Cath anywhere, if you do contact them do it by email or messenger and just ask ‘what is it you want to tell me?’ Don’t get dragged in to discussing anything money wise or blackmail, let them say it if they do.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 28/02/2020 09:43

Your DH has clearly lied to you about the extent of his relationship with Cath.

You need to go to the police about the blackmail.

Then, once that’s out of the way, decide how you want to proceed with your DH. You may or may. It find out all the gory details, but either way it’s clear more has happened than he is letting on.

GameOfDrones · 28/02/2020 09:45

Contact Andy. Tell him that he needs to tell you exactly what he knows and show you what proof he has and if he doesn't then you will go to the police and report his blackmailing. Two can play at that game.

TatoTurner · 28/02/2020 09:46

I can't believe a pp suggested you had a stong marriage. I'm sorry OP but I think this is really dodgy.

Tell your husband to save the £5k for the divorce.

RitmoRatmo · 28/02/2020 09:47

There’s been no blackmail. Your husband has had an affair with Cath, her DH found out and chucked her out, and is threatening to tell you all the gory details out of revenge.

Your husband is trying to cover his tracks and minimise the fall-out by pretending he was just having an innocent friendship with Cath that has been misinterpreted by Cath’s “blackmailing paranoid drug addict” ex purely to extort cash from your husband.

Your husband is gaslighting both your and Cath’s ex.

You need to realise this and forget any notions of blackmail or innocent friendship misinterpreted. It’s really very awful for you but that’s the truth and you need to recognise what’s going on here so you can reclaim your dignity and tell the fucker what’s what.

BackOnThatRollerCoaster · 28/02/2020 09:48

I would ring 101 for advice, just a general info collecting call. Then you can honestly tell you H that you have contacted the police, really ham it up to him, and see him backtrack his response

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 28/02/2020 09:53

Ritmo might be right.

Tell your husband you are going to go to the police and see how he reacts.

Happygirl79 · 28/02/2020 09:54

Another thought... Why not tell your husband you are going to the police about the blackmail and watch for his reaction?
I think his face will give him away if it's a total lie

Alsohuman · 28/02/2020 09:55

I’m confused, from the OP I deduced that it’s Cath who’s allegedly being blackmailed by her ex. I think this entire thing has been dreamed up by Cath to punish your husband for pulling back from her. She’s left - or been kicked out by - her husband, she’s short of money and she’s taking revenge. Unblock Andy and wait and see what happens. I’d put money on never hearing from him.

InFiveMins · 28/02/2020 09:57

Your DH is definitely hiding something and is paranoid you'll find out. The £5,000 is a non-issue, the police can sort that - I'd be more interested to know what Andy knows.

AlternativePerspective · 28/02/2020 09:57

The affair is a red herring.

And there’s every chance that Andy could actually be innocent in all this as well. All you have is messages from Cath saying that “Andy has said” yada yada, it could all be her for all anyone knows.

The marriage stuff is secondary here at the moment, there’s time for all that later. But in the meantime don’t play any games. Don’t meet up with or contact any of them, go to the police and tell them that your DH has confided in you that he’s being blackmailed. Don’t tell him that you’re going to the police, then he’ll be obliged to work with them as he won’t be able to tell you that he’s gone to them iyswim.

SVRT19674 · 28/02/2020 09:58

Blackmail is a crime, he goes straight to the police. End of. (Also, I think your DH minimised his involvement with Cath, but that isn't a crime...)

Pantsomime · 28/02/2020 10:00

OP the safest way to get to the bottom of this is to report to police and ask them to come and see you and your DH at home. Don’t tell DH so when police arrive to invest the blackmail DH will either shit his pants if he’s been lying to you about that and hopefully more will be revealed. Ultimately it sounds like your marriage is coming to an end but you need to know more

Crazydaisy11 · 28/02/2020 10:02

Unblock Andy and message him.
Maybe he isn't a drug dealing scumbag but a husband who has been cheated on!
See what hes got, obviously if he starts harassing you go to police but so far all you have is your husband's (who's probably been cheating) version of events, I'd definitely want more