Advice needed. DH being blackmailed over affair he says he didn't have

[Plastictattoo]

I need advice as very confused here.
Approx a year ago I had a feeling that somwthing wasn't right with DH's behaviour so asked to check his phone. Initially he snatched it off me and refused. I used the MN classic line 'That tells me everything I need to know' and he so he let me look. He said 'I don't know what you are going to see. There are some flirty messages with Cath'. (Cath, not real name is an ex colleague, not real name). Stupidly I just checked Messenger and not Whatsapp as I'm not tech savvy. There was nothing there but he admitted he had a crush on her and had arranged to meet her at a party for a colleague that weekend. He was going to stay at the hotel with a group including her.
We talked things through. Nothing had happened except messages etc. He didn't go to the party and agreed to remove her phone number and unfriend on FB.
Fast forward to last night when he told ne that Cath's DH, Andy, was trying to blackmail him for £5000.
Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her. Andy doesn't work and has/ had drug issues. Cath forwarded messages to my DH which I gave seen. He names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me).
I asked my husband why, what evidence does he have etc. DH insists that there were messages but he doesn't remember what they say, that the messages were just arranging to meet for work dos, about wirk, general chat etc. All messages have been deleted (of course).
My DH's initial reaction before telling me was to go into my FB while I was asleep and block Andy so he couldn't contact me. Now I have never met Andy and wasn't FB friends with Cath as only met her twice.
I don't know whether to contact Andy to see what he knows but don't want to feed the drama.
Desperately need advice about next steps. Am going to work now but will be back at lunch.
TIA

So there's two issues really. Firstly the blackmail, maybe I've misunderstood but it doesn't sound like Andy is blackmailing your husband, rather he has tried to blackmail Cath, and she is now blackmailing your husband? You said she forwarded texts from Andy referring to your husband, but these weren't to him? Second issue is obviously that your husband is lying to you. He's clearly very worried about what Andy and/or Cath could reveal. It's obviously something that your husband thinks could be worth 5k, so..

Your DH is lying. This story has been concocted by Cath and your DH to cover their tracks as Andy knows and wants to tell you. Ask your DH to go with you to the police to report the blackmail. Very convenient that there doesn’t appear to be any proof but I bet he won’t want to go because it is not true.

Well, it's quite simple. If nothing happened then there is nothing to be used for blackmail.
Which begs the question - why is your husband so worried?

I think you know the truth, deep down. Your husband has not been honest with you.

Go to the police about the black mail.
You’ve only got your DH word for things. Maybe Andy is a pillar of the community and Cath is black mailing him or someone else is going to tell you about their affair.

Then you need to leave him as he is having an affair sorry

Have you actually seen these blackmail texts? Cause the cynic in me doubts "Andy" is a drug addict or a blackmailer. I reckon his just threatening to tell you all and hubby is now doing damage control. But again this is my suspicious mind talking. I'd would be talking to this guy and seeing what he says.

Blackmail only works in secret. Your DH has done exactly the right thing in telling you what is going on. You need to go to the police together and report what Andy is doing as it is a criminal offence to attempt to extort money like this.

It sounds like you have a pretty strong marriage and that DH has learned his lesson and isn't going to muck around any more. I hope this means that you two continue to be a strong partnership through thick and thin.

Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her

All that has happened since last weekend? It sounds incredibly fast moving.

I’d unblock the husband and message him asking what he had to tell me.

You've no proof this Andy exists. Could be a made up profile so Cath can get money out of your DH. There may have been more than an EA between Cath and DH or she (or Andy if he exists) is chancing her arm to get some money.
I would question if anyone is telling you the truth. No money needs to change hands. If there's evidence then you want to see it and then decide what to do. If there's any evidence DH is being blackmailed then suggest to him that he goes to the police.

Is your husband someone important that can be blackmailed? If not, your husband is lying and he and Cath have been having an affair.

Well this is an utter shitshow - I'm so sorry OP.

Agree that you should involve the police - start with a call to 101 - they'll need to take a statement from your H to progress anything, but you can find out from them what the process would be, and then run through it with your H.

And frankly, the colour H goes when you tell him you've discussed it with the police should tell you enough about whether your marriage is with saving

And bonus - if you can get your H to make a formal complaint, there'll be plenty of information flying around about what he and the OW got up to, so no need to do your own investigations or talk to her ex.

Blackmail is serious. People kill themselves over it. Blackmailers are scum. Please don't underestimate how serious this is.

And yes, it could easily be Cath acting alone, in which case she needs to meet the police too

I would ring your husband and tell him you’re going to the police. His reaction will be telling.

Whatever the truth of the convoluted blackmail claims it’s clear that there is something bigger your husband is hiding. I couldn’t live like this.

Go to the police definitely.
However, I am another one who is VERY sceptical about the whole shitshow!
VERY!

So sorry OP but your DH is lying, whatever the hell is going on with blackmail plots and shady characters lurking in the background. Unblock Andy and go to the police to report this "blackmail" but I think you know deep down there is no blackmail just a husband that cheated and is trying (badly) to cover his tracks.

Actually OP, none of this is YOUR problem.
Take a huge pinch of salt sit back and watch and see how events unfold.
'Lets face it, as PP's have said, £5000 for flirty texts etc????? Highly unlikely
Blocking Caths OH on facebook????? why if you supposedly already know everything?
It's all very upsetting for you OP, but I wouldn't do anything, apart from think hard about how you want to proceed with the knowledge that you are fairly certain he has been unfaithful.
If you are going to stay with your OH I would insist on a full disclosure.
Just look after yourself and leave the other three to their drama.
Good Luck

So sorry . What a mess. Well I don't think you can trust your DH given he's deleted msgs and blocked Andy. He's DEFINITELY not telling you everything. I like the idea of telling him you're going to the police. He might be more amenable to telling the truth then. Either way, trust is gone.

Personally I think Cath is involved in the blackmail
Andy (if he exists) may be her partner in crime
Why would she move home and job so quickly if not to be with Andy?
She thinks your husband is a soft touch and will pay the money
Your husband isnt being totally truthful with you and I feel there's guilt on his part
She is trying to feed off it
Hope you get the truth
Good luck

All very weird and quite a lot of it hard to believe. I’d strongly suspect Cath has form for trying this on with men (the blackmail) and she and her chap are working together. Bottom line: if you have tangible evidence of threats and blackmail attempts, go to the police.

Have i got this right:
A year ago Cath and your dh exchanged flirty messages.
Last week Andy goes mad seeing a photo of Cath with another man
Cath leaves etc.
Now Andy has found messages and is blackmailing Cath (who then wants the money from your dh).

I think I'd be tempted to call Andy's bluff, not pay and see if he does indeed send you 'evidence'.
After that, I'd report him to the police for attempted blackmail.

If DH had told you everything, there would be nothing to blackmail him about.

So clearly, whatever else is going on in this craziness, he has lied to you.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP. You are been lied to. Do you really need to ask?

Lies lies lies. Not even particularly good ones.

Either your DH is gullible or he believes you are gullible.

Tbh, I'd ignore it all. You'll not get the truth out of any of them. Eye roll and move on, being a bit more suspicious of DH future behaviour.

I'd see this as 2 separate issues

Blackmail - let the police deal with it

DH's possible cheating - I'd insist on either couples counselling or a divorce. Your marriage can never be trusting or happy unless you are certain you know the whole truth

FWIW - I suspect he's cheated or at the minimum an EA.

If husband had an affair with Cath (chances are at least 99% based on the info in your OP), he will lie and lie and lie. Even if you say you’re willing to forgive based on honesty, cheaters still lie. Even decent me who abhor cheating behave like this when they get caught.

There are 2 issues:

1. Andy is blackmailing. Neither you nor your cheating dh should engage or send any messages to Andy. He may contact you with affair information after he realises that the 5k is not going to be paid. From your personal perspective, that’s the best outcome: no money lost, information gained.

2. Your dh has cheated on you, almost certainly. It’s almost always a physical affair. We are not talking about 12 year olds here, these are adults and they have sex.

If you don’t have kids, I’d divorce him.
If you do have kids, it will be more difficult and you will have to weigh up the best decision for this bad situation.

Men not me!
I didn’t cheat!