Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Zombie look he may love it! Hope it goes well!!

Ive come to the conclusion that I am hopeless at this.
I have bene in one long relationship all my life and now at 45 have been single for over a year.
I have no clue what the hell I am doing but the only way to suss out the dating world is to date ! But I feel like im doing it all wrong.
Mr P and I have had 4 dates and an over night. We are meeting again for a drink tonight, all instigated by him.
We havent had a chat about where we are or anything, only that we would like to see " what happens ".
BUT I am getting paranoid and constantly looking for red flags, things to be wrong etc.
Ive woken up paranoid that all he wants is sex as since we had the over night, his texts are often ( mostly) sexual and we have ended up sexting several times. Last night he even called me in the middle of it and I guess...phone sex happened
I supose I just feel out of my depth becuase of my inexperience in dating but that wont get better until I date ?
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Just catching up @shitwithsugaron that sounds really scary. Glad you're ok and feeling looked after.

And @dancerinthemoonlight that's so frustrating. Not knowing if/when/how they will fix it.

I put myself on tinder last night but I'm currently having anxiety issues. One of the many hormones I'm in clearly needs tweaking but it's working out which one...

I also messaged mr U to tell him and ended up arranging an overnight for Friday. I think I will cancel. He basically said he will have sex with me til I have sex with someone else. But that puts way too much pressure on the someone else being worth it and also I won't be looking properly while I'm still getting my oxytocin and bonding hormones from him. Aaarghhh

No attractive men on there yet either.

@Clovertoast what do you want to happen ? Either with him or anyone. Have a situation where you eventually become serious and move in together etc or a long term partner, fwb etc etc. It’s hard I think if you don’t know what you want. He may just be a very sexual person and that’s not the only thing he wants I would imagine if it was he’d just want to come round and not go out. I am the same as you with someone for a very long time and not a clue what I was doing dating. I’ve met someone now and we are on the same page with future expectations at least in the medium term our kids are priority so wouldn’t move in together (I don’t mean that won’t work for some people but that’s what we want) but we are close and exclusive and together. I think you need to know what you want first or the range of what you want, at 4 dates in we agreed to be fwb but then changed our minds and it developed so I guess that’s what see what happens means

@Jane1978xx I think what you have is my aim then really. We live a 40 min drive away from each other, he has kids 50/50 and I have mine all the time although mine are older teens.
So living together would not be an option for us, certainly not for the forseeable. The thing is that kind of thing is never even discussed. I feel like we either spend time chatting about nonsence or flirting or having sex ! There isnt any realness or depth ?
Maybe its too soon for that though ?
Its my first dating experience but apparently certainly not his !

At the 4/5 date mark he said he wanted to keep it casual but he wasn’t seeing anyone else and that was fine with me. Then we just kind of got closer and talked for hours and hours when we met up and realised we had more in common and same sense of humour etc etc. The future thing came up as his lease was up on his house and we were talking about that and I’d also said I’d find it very hard to live with a man again. Maybe when my daughter gets to her mid teens and Is more independent. What we want and what we feel about each other has just developed and we are very honest with each other about that. Also the talking about our problems , families and pasts has developed over time. It does just kind of happen , I think the difference being in our 40 s is we aren’t looking at someone thinking is this the man I want to marry and have kids with the same as we would have done 20 years ago.

@Jane1978xx I think I have said before that we sound quite similar in the stage we are at in our lives.

Mr Ad and I had a discussion the other day about distance, which is the first time really in 6 months. He is an hour's drive away (or two trains for him as he doesn't have a car) but so far this hasn't been a problem as we have seen each other 1/2 nights a week. I'd love him to be closer so we could see each other a bit more often now he has met my kids but I don't want to live with anyone else right now.

It doesn't help that my exh is still on the mortgage as that's the only way I can afford to keep me and the kids there, but it does mean that I don't have the freedom to do what I want if I did want him to move in. What I really want is to take over the mortgage in my name only but I can't see that happening as I don't earn enough (even though it was me who went to uni and have the debt to prove it but took a hit on my career and salary to help progress his when we had kids).

If Mr Ad rents somewhere close to me he will have huge commuting costs so we're a bit stuck for the next couple of years if things continue. By then I'll probably want to share my home with someone even less!

I feel better for having had a conversation and addressing the elephant in the room though.

Mr G does live close by to me which is good but I have my Daugher 80% of the time. Her dad also brings her back early at times and I’m not ready for them to meet. I need to get my ex off the mortgage and the divorce filed then I can tell stbex not to do the ditching off of dd.

Yes things defo need to be talked about and to make sure you are on the same page. Saying what you need is always better 😁

If you want a RS clover it needs depth to it. That can develop though but I kind of see that while you are flattered and enjoying the sex side, it’s not really enough. I too would not do too well with something that looks like it’s dating but is all sexual and no clarity. Either it’s FWB and both sides know it, or it’s moving forward emotionally as well as sexually

It’s very early days though clover, there is an argument for just going with the flow and seeing if more develops while thoroughly enjoying all the sex! I saw a guy for a few months in 2018, it nearly tipped into something more but after about 9 sleepovers I realised the differences in values that we had eg messiness, work/life balance just were too big. We had lots of fun, we’re still friends but anything more is not possible. It’s all a learning experience after a long relationship (30 years on my case).

lovemusic I have my fingers crossed that you are enjoying your date

Yes @Menora that sums it up perfectly !
It feels like we are heading towards FWB as we certainly do not appear to be moving forward emotionally.
We aren't involved in each others lives though and both have said we can't be as we have children and his are small. So we have sort of agreed to be hiding away ??
Infact it was a comment made last night by him about it being " exciting when its just us two hiding away and no one else knows about us " that rang alarm bells because I thought, hmmm but thats not what I want ?
Id quite like you to ask me stuff about ME like you did at the beginnig and not just what am I wearing in bed ??

I think recognising what you want is a good step @clovertoast I think once you are having sex that can dominate but my last 2 irons made an effort to see me for a catch up on the week when that wasn't on the cards. And texting taking about our days etc. It's funny how it can be so hard to have the conversation but I think you should be able to ask what he wants from a relationship and see how he reacts to that. What's his status? With Mr S I realised we were on different pages when he said he didn't want his ex to know about me. He had met my kids at this point.

I think when you start OLD it's easy to get distracted by sex esp if you've been stuck in a joyless relationship for years. I certainly did when I started. I'm now much more wary. I don't really want to go into anything I think won't have legs. Obviously you can't know that at the start but at least be at the same life stage/clearly not just after etc etc. Too badly burned.

Yeah hope @lovemusic is finally having a good date with a good man who deserves her!

@Clovertoast as long as you are happy when you are with him I think it’s too early to know , i would stick with it for now but try and steer conversations and make your needs known

I think being aware of your needs is good. And don’t have phone sex with him if you aren’t into it. Only do it if you want to do it too. You could try introducing some more conversations with depth? I do find the single track conversation of sex quite boring to be honest. Flirting and fun is one thing but it doesn’t always need to turn sexual I can see why you think he’s got a one track mind (although flattering as he clearly fancies you!)

I did want FWB initially but there is too much emotion to manage that now. I can do a straight up FWB but not these mixed bags

I didn’t answer yesterday about looking for red flags. I think the weekend unsettled me a bit. I did think this might happen as I become more invested in him emotionally and it’s almost like he’s too good to be true. Is this the real him? I’ve been with too many charmers who have emerged from the murky waters as their real form of a massive fucking wanker. I probably don’t believe I will ever win the RS lottery of life so looking for problems. And he’s got more baggage than British Airways

I complain about his sleeping habits but overall he’s very communicative, he makes a lot of effort to communicate with me, he’s open, he’s fun and silly, he’s cuddly and sweet, he’s also sexy and understanding - totally going at my pace. He thinks of little things all the time I might like. He’s encouraging and listens about my life. He doesn’t burden me with his problems or need me to sort them out for him. He is where he says he will be and is reliable (although I have doubted him on this very instinctively he’s never actually proven me right). He says nice things to me, he shares the same views on life as me etc.

That sounds lovely @Menora ! It definitely sounds like the two of you are on the same page.

Just checking in to placemark, will catch up properly later. Hope everyone is having a good week

@Clovertoast lots of good advice from PP about working out what you want. And deciding if Mr P is meeting that need.

I found that OLD was a huge learning experience. I came out of a 20yr long joyless marriage and suddenly had lots of men interested in me. But I quickly got bored of the constant sex chat.

You've only met a few times so I would say it's too early to be planning what the future will look like together. So you could just enjoy his company and see how it goes.

But the main issue seems to be the sex talk. If you don't want to do that then don't do it. You need to shut it down quickly. Say you'd rather talk about plans for your next date. Or what film you'd like to see. Anything to shift the conversation onto something else.

If he still persists then you need to reconsider whether is he right for you.

Agree it's too early (for most of us!) to know what it is. But not too early to know if you are on the same track. If he wants nsa or a fwb but you want a partner isn't the early stages where you find that out and decide if it's working for you. Being exclusive to me means we are of a similar mindset or I could still be looking for something that suits me better.

Which made me think what has happened to @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I hope you are Ok?

A fwb / casual can develop but I think you need to be happy it stays at fwb as you can’t predict 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well, we haven't had an 'exclusive ' chat, I am just presuming. I did ask in my second message on POF what is he looking for on POF and said I'm not looking for fun / casual, so he knows my stance, he said the same. He's not been on POF, and acts like he likes me so I'm just presuming.

I casually dropped into a text that my ex is being very amenable this week and wants them all weekend. He's coming up later so if he wants to mention it he can I think....I haven't asked, as don't want to jump the gun.

Re sexy talk, we are the opposite, talk about the weather mainly, jesus that sounds boring!!!!!!!