Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@bangheadhere40
Did you message him back?

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Honestly it sounds really nice please don’t stress about being judged!

I’ve had a little blip and it’s my little blip. I keep blurting out little insecure comments and Mr M has gently pulled me up on them. I don’t know why I am doing it! I do not feel insecure and I am not worrying about anything. He hasn’t done anything wrong but I keep kind of making digs like about him being on FB or texting. It’s like crap and bad habits come out of my mouth with no filter. I said to him I think this is because I feel comfortable with him but at the same time I must have something underlying I’m subconsciously worrying about. He asked me if I was feeling insecure about anything re the comments and I honestly don’t know why I say them! This isn’t like me I don’t think. Whilst I don’t know him well enough to say I 100% trust him, he really hasn’t done anything wrong to make me be in any way paranoid
I think this might just be my internal brain panicking

dancer lovely update, I’m delighted for you.

@Menora I'm like that too. And for me at least I think its because I really like him, it appears to be going well and I almost cant believe it so I'm looking for something wrong? I also get ridiculously needy. For example.....
We are going to struggle to see each other much this month cos of work and our kids. I blurted out last night we should think about synchronising our working from home days so we can spend them together.
There was a long pause before he politely said that wouldn't be possible for every week but potentially we could occasionally. I didn't mean every week!! And in hindsight thats a full on statement to make so soon.
.
I had to explain I didnt mean all the time!!

It is going well though.

Good morning all. I didn't even notice my wrist during it. I have had a little post sex anxiety this morning that now I'm just going to get ghosted or that all he will want in the future/going forward is sex. He's had fwb before and I really don't want to head down that path with him.
I suppose I just didn't want to seem to easy or to keen. I know whatever will be will be and if he ghosts me then it's him not me. Although he did text me when he got back from dropping me at home so I think that's a good sign

HI ladies (and gents) hoping for some advice from those more experienced than I. Have been OLD since last summer - saw on guy for 9 weeks - he ended it then saw another guy briefly before he ghosted me and most recently had a few dates with a guy and I ended it as he was just too vague and closed off. Anyway - decided to go back online and seem to have lost my "mojo" very few matches and the few matches I'm getting I struggling to make conversation with.

So my question is (and guys opinions V welcome) how do you start off with the chat? I'm finding very few guys write a bio so it's difficult to pick up on something personal from their profile - and once you've said Hi - what then... I'm quite chatty on text normally and wonder if possibly I'm sending too long messages (I'm talking a few sentences here not an essay) do you ask about their job - family - dating history... hobbies....what they did that day - honestly I'm having no luck and becoming very disillusioned. Help!

@Dancerinthemoonlight that's a lovely update, glad you had a good time, hope it goes well.

@Clovertoast glad it's going well for you too, hard when you can't see eachother - does he live far away or is it the childcare schedule?

@Menora - sounds like you and Mr M can talk about anything so I wouldn't worry too much. I did text him back in response to him asking about my evening just to say what I had been up-to, that was it. No sign of him planning a next meet though as yet so I will see if he does. I'm not initiating meet ups all the time.

@iamthrough other than on bumble i don't send the first message. Experience has taught me that men swipe right less discriminately than me (I'm a 1% swiper) and that they have fewer matches. So my tho in is if they really liked the look of me they would message.

On bumble I send a short message, maybe saying something about my weekend and asking about theirs. Again with the assumption that by opening the door they would message me if I was someone they were interested in.

I wouldn't bombard someone with long messages at the beginning. A key point is to match their effort I think. As you move on the conversation should flow...

iamthrough I’m not on the apps at the moment but I used to be very brief in initial messages, no more than one sentence at a time. If they can’t be bothered to write a profile then any more than a sentence is too much effort. I tried to steer clear of questions too, more observations that they could go along with or challenge. Somehow with some guys the messaging takes off, with others it remains wooden and pedestrian. Good luck.

@iamthrough

If I really can’t find anything off their profile on bumble I would either start off with hi how are you how is your weekend or some kind of silly joke to break the ice
But I didn’t message first on other OLD apps except bumble

I don’t tend to ‘interview’ people via OLD messages either, I don’t want to reveal all that stuff about myself straight away and don’t expect others to. I kept it light chit chat really. It is hard to explain! I found that it’s easy to fall into what can look like vetting people about their job/kids/RS history and then it doesn’t flow as well, so something natural to start the chat off can then flow into favourite films/music and see if anything like that in common

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I think that is a good sign yes! I think just be open with him about not wanting FWB, there is no harm in setting out your stance early on. You don’t have to be a Cool Girl. And it doesn’t make you easy there is no such thing

@Clovertoast
Mr M is a big SM user also has a lot of large social group chats on WA. He doesn’t use his phone around me that much but I have read way too much MN to be honest and I had let little things get into my head. He’s not over protective of his phone or vanishing for hours regularly. I don’t check when he is online as I stopped that habit years ago and turned off my own time stamps. He has funny sleep patterns (he wakes up in the night a lot) and goes online at like 3am, I woke up once and he was on his phone, and of course your brain thinks er, who is he talking to? I only really use MN to chat not SM but I suppose it’s the same thing! He said he does it out of habit. I also am wary that he’s essentially newly single for the first time in 7 years and there is always the chance of new opportunities and experiences, I do not expect him to be settling down with the first woman he meets, I am trying to think realistically about that although he wants a RS with me

He also has a female friend but he’s open about his friendship with her and has not given me any cause to worry about it. She’s going through a divorce and seems like a nice friend to him

@bangheadhere40
How are you feeling about it today? Are you going off him altogether?

@menora - I'm not going off him. I find it interesting about 'matching his efforts' though which is what I am going to do. I have set a timeframe that if he doesn't initiate plans this weekend soon, or become a little 'less' chilled about the whole thing then I will not be hanging around.

Just going to see what he does unprompted from now on, then decide.

@iamthrough also, after a day or so of messaging max then arrange to meet them, or they should ask. Don't get in a penpal situation!!!

Agree that you shouldn’t find yourself putting in all the effort!

@dancerinthemoonlight that sound like a great date!

@Menora I think be wary of too much MN. There are a lot of shitty men out there and a lot of hurt and bitter women. Not all men are like that and sometimes people who have had bad experiences will assume everyone will have the same. It's about gut. And I your gut you know he's a good man. Despite the chaos etc

How are you doing @shitwithsugaron ?

I mean both the convalescence and the being single...

@unambiguousbeard

I think I hurt his feelings a bit as he wasn’t sure where it was coming from and nor was I. I think now I am clearer but I don’t know how to communicate it to him - at the back of my mind I’m worried I’m a rebound but he hasn’t done anything to make me feel that way it is the circumstances that is all

@shitwithsugaron how is the head? Have you had any more communication with Mr L?

That seems good advice regarding matching the guys efforts - but also kind of depressing as going by the current few matches i do have that basically means zero effort - so dead end matches.
Guess I'll just have to persevere until one comes along who is genuinely interested in me. I'm probably being too choosy when I'm swiping so the chances of a good match must be pretty slim. Must think about being more open minded when I'm looking at profiles - but also don't want to lower my "standards"

I'm still feeling the fallout from my swipe right unless grotesque session at the weekend. Sorry @tigerdater but I'm not doing that again. I felt bombarded! And still not got any real irons. Mr Football and I are currently competing to send the last message in a way that's going to result in one of us getting the hump! It's very sparky but no idea if it's going anywhere. Mr baggage still there. I don't mind sending the odd message. He seems nice enough. Mr U might come over one evening. It's been 3 weeks so clearly I need a seeing to! He's still persistently messaging. All a bit meh tbh

I sent him a morning text when I woke up but it hasn't been delivered yet. I don't think I'm blocked as I can still see his profile picture and status. Hopefully he just hasn't been connected to the internet. Looked at his profile on bumble and the location is showing as 2 miles away from me so I know he was at least on there while we were out last night. Not going to have the conversation yet but I don't want to be sleeping with him if he is sleeping or seeing other women. I already made it clear to him that I don't want a fwb situation. Fingers crossed that my message eventually gets delivered

@iamthrough

What is on your profile? I only say that as it might be time for a revamp to mix things up a bit

@Menora - I have a fairly short profile - giving a few ideas about what I like (Walking cinema blah blah) and also state that i'm looking to go out on dates to get to know someone. I have some decent pictures and most people say I look younger than my actual age, i'm slim build. Maybe I should write a bit more detail? I can't seem to find a happy mix between not putting anything on there that would put men off - and also putting enough that makes me sound interesting

@Dancerinthemoonlight he might put it in do not disturb mode when he's working.

@unambiguousbeard hopefully it's that or he isn't connected to the internet. I don't know why I feel so anxious about if I will what from him or not. Never felt his way after sex before

Ah my apologies unambiguous for wasting your time! Disappointing though, I hope it’s not going to be an opportunity for Mr U to get back in there.

dancer watching the phone is torment isn’t it? Can you leave it somewhere switched off, would that help?