Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Re. Baggage - I like to think I don’t have much of it. Never been married, no kids (although open to both with the right person), have a decent job, own my own place and have a few hobbies that keep me out of trouble. In fact, Miss Confusing said I was like a Tinder unicorn as I was the only guy she’d met who had all my shit together.

But I’m still finding it hard to be snapped up. So I guess being relatively baggage free isn’t that important, and it’s that connection you feel with the other person which makes the difference. Or alternatively there’s something else about me that’s putting people off - maybe I have more baggage than I think. I really don’t know.

I’m finding that most of the women I meet (between mid-30’s and mid-40’s) who don’t have kids or ex-husbands tend to have issues such as a history of depression, or are so used to being single they are very set in their ways. It’s so hard to meet someone who ticks all the boxes, and I’m starting to wonder if anyone will.

@Justwondering3696 I think you'll find most people have experienced this. I've lost count of how many first dates I've had, and only two have gone on to become second and more dates.

It's hard work, and it can be quite demoralising at times, however I keep telling myself that good things come to those who wait.

@bangheadhere40 your message was spot on, and you were totally within your rights to send it. It may be true that he was only on there to delete his profile, after all, you were doing the same, but in your shoes I would certainly be having doubts. I'm not getting the vibe that you are totally into him though - maybe this is a good opportunity for you to have a think about what you want from this relationship, and decide if it's working for you. What does your gut feeling tell you?

@Treesinthewind good luck with the date!!

@thecatwiththehat - I'm glad everyone thinks my messaging was fine, I needed to ask the question so can't change it. I was totally into him, but this kind of shifted at the weekend when I just felt he was less open than he had been before.

He hasn't been in touch with me today, and he would always be in touch by now. I can only assume he didn't like my directness! I will be upset if he just decides to ignore me now, but I suppose that shows more about him than me :-(

I do think you need to reframe things @bangheadhere40. It's not whether or not he's happy with you asking the question. It's that you felt you needed clarity and so asked a very legitimate question. So it's whether you are happy with his response and the fact that he's been quiet today. You are at the centre of this. Not him. How do you feel?

I really want to message him, but I'm not going to, and will see if he contacts me. My gut says he won't though....hate it when this 'shift' happens and they just pull back / fade away. Makes me think I must be a terrible judge of character more than anything else!!!!!!!!

@notcoolmum - I'm not happy he hasn't contacted me today when he always would by now. I wasn't entirely happy with his answer last night either, and thought he should have been more reassuring. So no - I'm not very happy at the moment with him.

So the relationship isn't meeting your needs right now @bangheadhere40. No need to feel apologetic or on the backfoot about it. Remember you are the leading lady in your own story. As an anxious person I am guilty of worrying too much about what other people think and feel. When really I need to concern myself more with my own feelings, wants and expectations.

I know the waiting part is very painful Bang but it is vital as anyone can say what you want to hear when asked, rather than saying something because they actually want to.

You gave him a chance to explain and now it is up to him to give you reassurance. You didn’t do anything wrong and should not feel bad

I don't see my exH or my kids as baggage! I have little enough to do with him and my kids are great. I do have loads of personal baggage. Lucky you @shitwithsugaron not having any til you were 28! I've had all sorts of shit since I was 7.

@bangheadhere40 I certainly didn't find your message aggressive. Not even that assertive. If I'd got it I don't think I'd understand what you meant by "shall we see what happens?" I think that's the wording? To me that sort of doesn't mean anything! Doesn't denote exclusivity or what you might be expecting from him. Just seems vague and a bit uninterested. Maybe it's a dialect thing? I don't know!

I would much rather be told what I need to hear than what I want to hear.

No at the moment it's not very satisfactory is it, regardless if he contacts me or not. I still don't want to be blanked though, as that hurts, and I think I must be a bad judge of character.

I I have a terribly addictive personality and several close family members with alcoholism. Plus an ex with a drink problem, in denial. It's one reason I steer well clear of ex addicts/boozers. There's also often other behaviour and co morbidities like codependency/workaholism etc

@unambiguousbeard I said that I'm not looking for other men, and should 'we' see how things go, meaning be exclusive, was what I mean it to come across like.

Hello all. Checking in.
Quick update before I try and catch up with some of you...

• been trying to make my self employment pay but it's dried up a bit. Have job applications in and an upcoming interview but the thought of taking that on again is overwhelming.
• stbx is being an utter cunt. Reduced maintenance to the bare legal minimum. Harrassing me with phone calls when I've told him it's not a good day "but I just want to apologise for x" . I'd rather he fucking respected my boundaries. Had divorce coaching session 1 of 2 today. He was rather put in his place by the coach who reminded him that the welfare of his children would be at the forefront of all court decisions. Twat.
• I am so run down worrying about money I have a bloody cold sore which I hate. Irritating fuckers.

• last but very much not least... It's been a month with Mr Rough Diamond now. I still think he's amazing. He makes me feel the same. I am still a little cautious because from the outside it's a bit nuts, but I'm happy and it's been so much fun just going out, spending time with him, finding out whether this relationship has legs. So far so good .

Right. I have some reading to do...

Regardless @bangheadhere40 he should have messaged today as it was clearly on your mind. You don't sound very sure about him generally though.

nomore I’m so glad that among all the trials and tribulations Mr Rough Diamond shines through. I had been wondering how you were.

bang you are doing the right thing, sitting it out like this. Like unambiguous I didn’t quite get what you meant by ‘let’s see how we go’ but I’m afraid his silence today is rather telling. Don’t doubt your judgement of character though, I would say your instincts have been pretty good! There’s not much to this guy, and you deserve more.

@bangheadhere40 just wanted to send you a hug
I hope he gets in touch soon. It's not fair to leave you waiting for an answer.

@bangheadhere40 so the last message was him saying he was going to bed and you'd speak tomorrow. And he hasn't been in touch all day when he usually would? After a full weekend together. But one that felt a bit 'off' and you didn't do much together. I'd sit it out too. As I'm stubborn and I'd want to see how long he would leave it. And what he comes back with unprompted. But it sounds like it's running its course to me. Don't blame yourself though for asking a basic question. If anything I think you should learn to be more upfront about your expectations.

Quick update! Met Mr Coffee. He’s still lovely. Had a nice chat. Definitely edging more down the friend/personal life talk rather than just work. Possibly heading into the Friendzone though, which is maybe what I need right now rather than romance.
Only had an hour as he had a meeting with a mutual friend/colleague afterwards but I stayed and chatted with them both for a while. Feel like I still didn’t get much of a chance to get to know him but that’s maybe because this is slower than I normally take things.

I didn’t go into specifics of the mess that is my life right now. He already knew I was living at home with parents but we talked more about how I’d moved in there when I split with ex, so he has a clearer idea of timescale! He’s always really interested in my ambitions and goals and we seem to have a lot of shared values.

Going to take a step back now and leave it to him. I’m happy with us being friends and getting to know each other more, but wouldn’t say no if he asked me out on an actual date!

@EchoElephant thank you!

@Notcoolmum that's right....and yes I think I do need to be more upfront about my expectations, I do struggle to say what I think / want / feel.

@shitwithsugaron one was very keen and interested texting everyday we met once with plans to meet again etc went quiet so I messaged and got a funny response saying he s busy and not on his phone everyday but was before .
@TheCatWithTheHat I do agree not sure I have the time or the patience to stick with it . What’s wrong with texting and saying sorry I have changed my mind etc I would do it a lot of people are just cowards really

I’m right where you are Bang - was seeing a guy and felt that ‘shift’. Basically asked him where we are- said I don’t need ‘serious’ but not really up for dating other people. Said it’s fine if he wants to, that he’s a lovely guy but I just need to be honest.

He hasn’t replied 🤷‍♀️

I always seem to get to date 8ish with men and this happens. So hard not to turn inwards and find all my faults!!

Oh @bangheadhere40 I'm really sorry. I totally get you because I'm shit at asking for what I want to, but I definitely agree with the advice you've had. You asked him, he fobbed you off a bit and now he hasn't been in touch when he normally would ? Plus after a weekend together where presumably sex happened ? Thats just rude honestly!
Absolutely do not message him he has some serious making up and effort to do for you.
.

@Thezeppo sorry for you too that's rubbish.

@TheZeppo
I think maybe more of the men we meet especially online are actually not single the more I think about it it’s the case. And they go quiet or blank when the wife or girlfriend finds out it really is a sad state of affairs and very unfair on us genuine single women !

Oh I'm so sorry for what everyone is going through! Not sure if you've read my previous posts but I was hung up on a guy for months who I'm sure was married / ex in picture.

I've had a friend over tonight who basically told me the same as you lovely people to ditch Mr Dumfries so I think I will.

I'm an anxious person by nature so it's hard to define if it's me or ' them'. I think most of the time it's them, but we blame our own issues.

Has anyone had any good dates to report?

@thezeppo similar, date 5 / 6 then the shift . Sorry about your situation