Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Treesinthewind, sorry I am a bit rubbish at remembering the details of all the difference situations on here - are you having coffee today with the guy who you know from a work connection? And this is trying to move things on to a different path ? If so then today could be interesting to see how he interacts with you. Maybe his late confirmation of time etc is because he's still viewing it as meeting up with someone (but not a 'date') ? And if I have completely got the wrong story then I'm sorry

I think our personal experiences do play a huge part in what we are willing to accept @Eesha.

I wouldn't knowingly enter a relationship with someone who has been unfaithful because of my own experiences. I would also take a recovering alcoholic who is very committed to his sobriety and helps others to recover than a guy who goes out drinking a lot (like my ex). I can totally understand why someone with negative experiences with an alcoholic partner would feel very differently though. I guess that's why we're not all after the same men/women, which has to be a good thing!

@Sunshineandflipflops i think your situation is different in a positive way as Mr Ad has sorted himself out completely so fine to meet your kids etc.

@Eesha Yes, you're right. He is the only man I've introduced my kids to since I split with their dad and wouldn't do so lightly. I would be naive though if i hadn't had the thought of "what if he relapses". I hear him enough on the phone to others in crisis to know it happens but he knows that I couldn't continue a relationship with him if he were to start drinking again.

@bingo1975 'Bingo!' heh. I agree. An underrated post. @bangheadhere40 I would be walking away right now. I've been where you are. 'Chilled' man. On the apps (gave an excuse about messages). I started to feel a creeping sense of anxiety. 5 months later I wasn't eating, so many stories he told, so many ratbag emotional manipulations. Obvs, that's anecodotal, your man might not be as bad, but for me any sign of anxiety is the boundary. Doesn't matter why they're doing it, whether it's shutting down, or lack of ability to be in touch with their feelings blah blah. The boundary is my internal state

@Onesmallstep67 Yep, that’s him! This is second meet up that hasn’t been a work-related one and has been set up on social media not work email.

He replied last night apologising for late reply. I sent a message this morning that gently took the piss out of him for this and he replied instantly ‘Hahaha I deserve that’ and we are now meeting at 2.30. I feel like I’ve taken control of the situation a bit more and made it kind of flirtier so am happy. Have just had coffee with lovely friend and going for lunch with another now so not feeling as desperate or anxious either!

In terms of baggage, I’m staying away from anyone who has mental health issues and hasn’t taken steps to address them. Someone who has issues but is working on themselves and open about them is fine though. I too would be concerned about anyone with addictions though.

If someone had cheated on an ex but immediately told their partner and either worked on it or ended it, that wouldn’t be the end of the world. I kissed someone else at the end of my long term relationship in my mid 20s but told ex straight away, so I know it happens. But any element of ongoing deceit is a no-no.

Hi have been following this post for a while not having much luck . Been on tinder and bumble can’t get past a second date they appear keen two let me down on the day and one has now gone quiet . Really disheartened with it all how do people get second dates ? Also they seem to be too busy to meet up I question why they are on a site it’s ridiculous

Love how this thread is so supportive and there’s room for lots of differing opinions, they all add to the advice.

On the baggage/addictions discussion I’ve a eating disorder and have worked a 12 step programme to find recovery, and I’d class myself as an addict, I simply chose food as my drug of choice but I know I could easily swap in a whole load of other substances or processes. For me someone with good recovery would actually be a quality I’d while not exactly seek but I’d feel a sense of I understand this person and if they are working their programme all the positive stuff that brings would be a big plus in my eyes. Just thought I’d add that in to the discussion!!

Mr rugby called me this morning, then texted to say I sounded really “yummy” looking back through his messages there’s a lot of comments on my physical appearance and wanting to hug me and maybe a kiss when , we meet. I’m thinking red flags and I should cancel, anyone want to tell me I’m too sensitive and he’s just flirting and as long as I’m clear on boundaries it might be fine? Sometimes feel like I can’t win, too closed of and I get anxious they aren’t interested, too much and I feel weird, but that’s my issues and just wanted an idea if I’m projecting or if he’s more than likely a creep- he looks too good in his photos for me to be clear headed!!

stuck well he might not be the most subtle of men but I wouldn’t take his focus on the physical as a red flag as such. However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it’s something to watch out for. So long as you stick to standard safety advice re first meeting it’s got to be worth checking him out in person I would have thought.

Thanks everyone. Do you think my messages to him may have appeared aggressive? I'm hoping assertive and that I had a right to ask?

I am trying to stop myself messaging and apologising if I got the wrong end of the stick...

I haven't heard from him today, not unusual, but I get the feeling I may not.

Banghead,he said to you he was on to take his profile off( I think that's what you said). I would go on and see if this is the case.

@trees good luck with your date

It is interesting on boundaries and where ours lie. I wouldn't have met up with Mr Coffee for example @Treesinthewind as I find someone who thinks my time isn't valuable and I can be there at the drop of a hat is pushing my boundaries. I don't agree with Matthew Hussey in everything but he has a few videos about this.

On anxieties I struggle a bit more. As anxiety is my natural state. So I um and we over whether THEY are making me feel anxious. Or I am making myself anxious. But that's a great boundary @supercali77 the person we date should be adding value to our lives. And not making us feel anxious or on alert.

I have an enormous amount of baggage. Both emotional and financial. And my children of course. Mr B is totally wrong for me on paper, living with a parent etc. But it's working, for now at least. What he does bring is emotional support. The sense of being cared for. And fun. And god knows I need some fun in my life.

@bangheadhere40 you have a right to ask anything. You certainly have a right to ask the man you are sleeping with if he is sleeping with, or looking to sleep with, anyone else. Don't feel frightened to have standards and assert them. This is your life.

@bangheadhere40 no there was nothing wrong with your message.
I'm sorry to side with a few other posters but if I thought I'd done something (even inadvertently) that made the other person feel anxious then I'd be doing more than he has to try and reassure you.
I hope you hear from him soon with a bit more effort on his part.
Remember you're supposed to be seeing the best of him in the early stages 😉

I hid mine as couldn't work out how to delete, it can also take upto 30 days my friend said for them to remove it. Still there but not been online.

I was just thinking if he was there deleting it ( which he hasn't been on since we met) and I've gone in like that it's not great!

@bangheadhere40, I can't see anything aggressive or demanding in what you said. I think lots of people on here would suggest you turn it around and take the point of view that if he's not prepared to offer what you want ( and have a right to expect ) then he's not the one for you. Take ownership of what you want and don't settle for someone who's not delivering.

@ant @notcool thanks...as long as my messages were assertive not rude then I agree. Would be nice to be reassured

Dont start questioning yourself, you have done absolutely the right thing. It was the right question to ask at the right time

And completely off topic but dont use abbreviated user names when using the @ sign, otherwise if there is somebody with ant as their UN then they'll get the notifications.
I know it's happened before on here and other users can be a bit funny about it 😉

@bangheadhere40 as others have said, you had every right to ask the question. If he doesn't like it/is lying/wants to remain on there he has every right to tell you that. If he shirks the emotional uprightness to be direct about it - his problem. Not yours.

@shitwithsugaron Nope not too bad! Will see how our chat progresses this week. We're just going to a drink at a pub we both know which is fine, he was quick to firm up time and place which felt reassuring.

@bangheadhere40 There was absolutely nothing wrong with your message, don't doubt yourself.

@Treesinthewind Hope your date goes well!

@Stuckinarut79 On the baggage/addictions discussion I’ve a eating disorder and have worked a 12 step programme to find recovery, and I’d class myself as an addict, I simply chose food as my drug of choice but I know I could easily swap in a whole load of other substances or processes. For me someone with good recovery would actually be a quality I’d while not exactly seek but I’d feel a sense of I understand this person and if they are working their programme all the positive stuff that brings would be a big plus in my eyes. Just thought I’d add that in to the discussion!!

This! I didn't know much about alcoholism before I met Mr Ad but he has worked through the 12 steps and now helps others to do the same and I can see the positive impact it has had on his life and the way he lives it.