Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Wtf reply

Yes, let's see how things go, I am not looking for any other women either. I am off to bed, up early in the morning. Good night and sweet dreams x

Can't tell if he's shutting me down by going to bed or being genuine!

I didnt read that as shutting you down!

That reply would annoy me a bit, it feels like he wants to cut the chat on the head by saying up early tmw. But then I'm quite harsh!!!

Hmm is a bit shutting it down although still a nice message
At least he had a calm measured reaction and he did reply to you promptly - those are good signs

@bangheadhere40, I would take it as a positive that you hadn't seen him online until this evening. It's a cliche but time will tell now. Some of the doubts you have been having about him will either increase or diminish over the next few dates.

Thanks everyone, I'm 50 / 50....really appreciate the input though so thank you all 🙂

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t trust these replies at all. He’s a liar. I have had this happen. Standard brush off responses. Sorry to buck the trend but I am sick to to gut of emotionally abusive, manipulative men. Online dating is utterly appalling.If he remotely cared about you he’d explore and be concerned for making you feel anxious. He doesn’t. Send no more messages at all and wait for his invitations. Which, by the way should now be him coming to see you, taking you out and making you feel wonderful. He is making you feel anxious.

Late check in to say thanks for the advise on first date nerves, you're all right, so many people go on first dates and they all get through the nerves!

So on that note I have a date for a drink on Saturday night with Mr Fit. Just taking it step by step, chatted & liked him, swapped numbers, said yes to date, less scary that way, just have to see if it happens now.

@bangheadhere40 Just caught up, I think I'd be a be put out by that reply. Your messages were really good and I think his is a bit of a cop out but everyone looks at things differently and that could be a genuine reply after a long day.

I think you have to trust your gut and try really hard not to overthink it, see how he is with you tomorrow.

I'd never assume anything after being on the apps the last couple of years. I'd always want the chat to confirm we were exclusive. I think once someone has said they have come off the apps if they behave differently that's totally on them. I've also found the men that are keen lay their cards out as they want to pin me down to be exclusive.

@bangheadhere40 I would be a bit annoyed that he shut the conversation down, it’s a typical thing to say when you don’t want to talk about something. On the other hand, if he’s going to cheat then he will. Not helpful I know! I’m hardly the expert!

I agree I would have read that as shutting it down. Its a big deal having that conversation and it wasnt given much consideration.
However, you have said that he is REALLY chilled and laid back on more then one occasion so maybe that really was his response 🤷‍♀️.
It's so tricky!!
I'm not good at reading text tone though and I never take my own advice ! Im in a rubbish needy, stupid stage at the moment so I'm literally forcing myself to do other things rather then obsess !!

The advice upthread from someones councillor is probably very good. This is all early days still!

@bangheadhere40 Maybe I’m too naive but I wouldn’t be worried by this alone. As you say, you were on there too to delete your profile. Maybe an orange flag not a red flag - something to keep an eye on but not enough to write him off.

Mr Coffee replied at 10.30 last night and apologised for his very late reply and suggested a time for today. I’m going to meet him because I do really like him but haven’t replied yet. Is it appropriately flirty to say “I’ll forgive you ” and then suggest a place to meet? Should I try and reference the fact I am doing other things today too or just bring that up when I see him?

Also, he’s definitely going to ask me about work and I don’t know how to talk about the fact I’m currently signed off with stress. I don’t want to go into too many details about my ex being mentally ill and taking me to court (cause that’s hardly what you want to hear from a potential date is it?!) but I’m wondering if I can vaguely say I’m having some time off from work because I’ve been under a lot of stress and doctor has recommended to have some rest? Is it sort of accepted that anyone you date after the age of 35 is going to have some baggage?

Anyone over 35 is going to have baggage for sure! It’s hard to avoid. I think generic answer is ok, that you are having some time off is fine
I’m having a bad IBS day today. This is something I haven’t shared with Mr M as I get IBS-D and it is embarrassing! I’m very delicate today. I have an endoscopy next week which I am dreading. See this is baggage!

@Clovertoast. I can’t work due to a chronic condition. I’ve had a couple of men ask what I do for work, and I just say I needed to take time for my family to settle after my separation and that I’m now looking. I do look to see if there’s anything I could do, but realistically it’s going to take a while before I can be fully fit (if ever)

I think when i fist started OLD I had unrealistic expectations of meeting men who were 'baggage' free, solvent, decent looking, kind, caring, shit together types. Even the ones I met who had most of those things turned out to have issues or just not be very nice really.

I never imagined being in a relationship with someone who is a recovering alcoholic, with a history of mental health problems but I've realised than not many of us get to our 40's with a stress free life, especially those of us who find ourselves single.

I pay more attention now to the qualities such as kindness and loyalty as I don't need anyone else's money and I'm not looking for someone to have children with or get a mortgage with. The important things to me are that Mr Ad takes his recovery very seriously and manages his mental health.

I am still married to my unfaithful husband with divorce not even imminent so hardly the biggest catch myself.

*first

@Treesinthewind i would avoid it and just mention you had a bit of time off. It's early days. I do think it was rubbish of him to agree details so late in the day so I would make myself a little more unavailable if I were you otherwise he might just be taking you for granted.

@Eesha Yep, I am definitely not chasing after today. And he’s going to have to do more than just “like” my tweets to impress me.

Re: baggage, it depends what the other person is prepared to take on really and you'll never know that. It seems like your baggage is caused by an unstable ex so I think people will understand. I personally would myself though I would never take on someone who is an alcoholic or who had severe issues with their kids or parents, as ive been there with my ex and don't need it in my life. My kids have had enough disruption with us splitting up so don't need me adding to it.