Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Onesmallstep67 oh I'm so sorry about your cat I'd be devastated if anything happened to one of mine.

I just checked pof and Mr Dumfries is frickin online!!!! Wtf! I'm going to have to say something now.

@EchoElephant and @crazycatlady20 from my experience on the other side of the fence it's not just men who are like that, although it does seem from comparing notes with my sister that we are worse!

I try to make an effort to message my matches, but most of the time I don't get replies, and even when they do respond some are just one or two word answers - so you're not alone!

Shit @bangheadhere40 I'm sorry!!
Yes you do need to say something x

@bangheadhere40 argh, sorry to hear that - that's not good! Although if I was him, my first response would be why were you on there as well? Have you had a chat yet about not dating anyone else or deleting your accounts?

Are men really relaxed or just better at putting things out of their mind?
I’m never convinced. I think some men over think massively and some are over confident and the ones in the middle kind of go with what feels like a good flow, doesn’t mean they don’t think about things at all.

Women can be massive over thinkers - this comes from being responsible for the mental load for their whole lives. You don’t have to take all this mental load - you have enough on your plate anyway! Don’t add another mental load to your plate trying to guess what might happen. This sounds so trite but their relaxed stance is more ‘enjoying the moment’ than worrying about what is round the corner and that’s not always a bad thing. Women are so used to planning everything you end up trying to plan a new RS as well as everything else.
This is not to say that you should overlook anyone who is terrible at planning anything with you!

I've just said saw he was online and sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick but I'm not dating anyone who is looking for something else!

Sent this...will update his reply.

I just went on pof to actually get rid of my account and noticed you were on there. Maybe I should have said something but I'm not into dating someone who is still dating other people or even looking, that's not me. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick here...would appreciate honesty though if you are still looking. X

@bangheadhere40

I missed your update!
Awaiting his response!
I’ve never checked on Mr M’s online activities I’m probably a mug - I’ve told him that too. He’s the one who has to look me in the eye 😂

@bangheadhere40 will be interesting to see what his reply is - would you believe him though if he said he was on there to delete his account too?

@bangheadhere40 I hope he replies quickly and has a good answer.
I can't remember. Did you agree to be exclusive?

@TheCatWithTheHat I think men are worse at just swiping without messaging. But I also think unfortunately it's the nature of OLD. Too easy to swipe. Actual messaging requires effort

However, Mr Grumpy has stepped up this evening. And is actually quite entertaining. This may go somewhere

@cat not sure! No chat about exclusivity but I'm not happy now....at all.

Will see if he responds ☹

If he's sleeping with me then to me you shouldn't be looking. Urgh...I'm going to post the reply ( if he replies) before I answer.

Eurgh that's horrible @bangheadhere40 x

Not read as yet. This just shows to ' trust your gut'...if something feels off it probably is...no excuses. If he even replies not sure I would believe him now anyway. Will post if he does 😔.

Reply

I hadn't been on there since we met. I went on to take my profile down x

He hasn't been on since we met as I have been looking. Do I believe him?

@bangheadhere40

This is just the moment you need to take a risk
Do you trust what he says or can you get past it? If you can’t that’s ok
It’s not been long enough to know if you can trust him or not

When I met Mr M he came off first and initiated it with me. I didn’t come off and he saw a bumble notification come up on my phone at which point he asked me if I was going to delete my profiles which then I didn’t delete them I just deleted the apps. This convo always comes up at some point and the time is now!

I'm just going to take a risk and ask him how he sees 'us' now.

Mr M also told me he logged back in to re-read our messages. I hadn’t checked up on him, so I took this at face value. If someone is going to cheat/see others then they will anyway I can’t prevent it

You need to think about how you want to do this
Think about what you have seen of him so far?

@bangheadhere40 wait to see what he says, might push the conversation you wanted to actually happen!

@Menora good point about the mental load, I hadn’t applied that to dating!

Well my therapist gave me a good talking to this evening about mr scenery, in essence he obviously is interested, you’ve only known him 6 weeks, the pace is absolutely normal, it’s ok these discussions haven’t happened yet, you do need to have them but it’s ok you haven’t yet, old is a lot about instant gratification but our brains aren’t wired to deal with that and get confused when things go at a slower pace, basically relax, have fun, try not to obsess! So that’s me told!! So date planned for Thursday, I’m going to try and open up a bit maybe about the fact I’m looking to be exclusive and want to see where this could go. Worse case he shows me he’s not all that interested by a response to that, best case we move forward on a better footing I’m more comfortable with, just need to figure out a way to have that conversation I’m happy with.

Sent this

Oh, well I did too, to take it down. I like you and that just caught me a bit off guard really as I don't know you that well yet, and you can't assume in this day and age what is what! Do you want to see how things go? I'm certainly not into looking for any other men x

@bangheadhere40, what do you have to lose ? It's all about building trust and taking a chance. He might be right for you, he might not. I think a conversation about how you are both feeling at the moment is needed. If you both feel ready to take other people out of the equation and focus fully on each other then go for it. I'm not sure how else you will work out how you feel. Good luck

Go @bangheadhere40 good message

@bangheadhere40 that's a good message.
Try to see this as a positive. You're now having "that" difficult conversation rather than worrying about when to say something.
I hope he's thinking the same as you