Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Meanwhile on Tinder, I'm managing to get quite a few matches. 12 at the last count from yesterdays swiping.

But zero conversation! Unless you count the couple of sex pests that I unmatched.
I've messaged every match. A couple replied straightaway but then I heard nothing more from them.
I will give them another 24 hours then I'm unmatching. So frustrating!

DD17 felt a bit like I was giving her less time and attention so I think some jealousy. She’s nearly adult though so a hard balance for me

DD17 has some issues with her DF and attachment issues. She likes Mr M the times she’s met him and doesn’t mind if he is eating dinner or watching downstairs as I am home, generally it’s easier if I choose a night when she is not home because I don’t want her to feel too uncomfortable.

DD15 is absolutely fine

@Stuckinarut79 I kind of agree. If I had met him online and it was obviously a date, I wouldn’t put up with it (I like to think!) but it’s always been pretty casual and you’re right, he possibly doesn’t even know I’m that invested in it.

He doesn’t know I’m off (Not sure how to bring up that it’s due to stress of family court..) and we have previously just found a time we can both do.
I’ve just arranged to have lunch with a friend so if he does reply, I can at least mention I can only do after 2.

I do wonder whether he just enjoys the attention though but doesn’t actually want anything to happen. We shall see..

menora things are moving fast for you and it seems you both have a great connection,so I'm pleased for you.
I'd just make sure both your DC are cool with him around. I have 20yr old daughter who has now left home and an 18yr old ds living here and teens are so bloody sensitive and moody,more so girls. Just make sure you have loads of time for them,which I am sure you do.
I found if I had a date over more than a couple of times a week,daughter would be in a mood. Even if she was in her room all eve and not even with me.
Your bloke is obviously trying to get them on his side and the meal thing is actually quite sweet,but maybe your DC dont want to go out with him on mothers day and share you. It's very tricky as I can see it from all sides

My 12yr old wants me to meet someone but when I had my last relationship and partner stayed over,son was very jealous when partner stayed over....I had to sneak him in and out in the morning. It's just hard work with kids,this dating stuff!!!

Thanks it’s hard isn’t it @kerkyra
I basically sit in indoors most nights when they ignore me, so I feel like my life has been on hold for them for a long time
They don’t want to do anything with me weekends or evenings hardly ever but then feel put out if I am not home, I need to get a balance.

Re moving fast
We have been trying to check in with each other regularly about where things are at in terms of each other AND our families
We trying not to just blindly run into something - I’m not going to meet his DC he isn’t ready yet
He’s told his ex he’s seeing me, my ex knows via DD17
My family also know
Neither of us want to be ‘that idiot’

He’s been clear and open he wants a RS with me even if it is bumpy and time consuming. It is nice he wants to try to build a RS with my grumpy teenagers but I can’t rush them. I still need to get to know him myself - there are niggles about him that are normal. It’s not just sex it’s that hard to explain thing - I feel 100% like I am totally myself with him and emotionally we gel very well - like a good friendship

I’m going to talk to DC tonight though thank you x

Menora,its very hard. Even once they go to uni or get a job and live in a house share as my dd has,as mums we are so emotionally invested and we are always trying to keep everyone happy and make sure DC as adults are ok,whilst trying to have a relationship.
I'm sure lots of men are the same too.
How about say to dd, once a month we all have a day out,just us. And a night a week where we watch a movie and eat pizza and doritos. Write it on calender for them so you're doing your bit. If they dont fancy it ( and let's be honest,my older ones wouldnt), just get on with what you have to do. In a few years they will be doing their own thing but teens need us more than we think,but dont show it.

stuck and bang I’m sorry but if you are left wondering whether a grown man is (a) playing it cool or (b) not interested, I would absolutely assume (b). A man who is interested makes damn sure you know about it, why would he do anything else? If he’s interested but feels he has to ‘play it cool’ then the clue is in the phrasing - he’s playing games. There could be all sorts of reasons why, but in the end he’s not being honest and open - which is a bad start for a relationship surely. And equally, if you’re not making clear what you want and feel, you’re playing games. Two sides of the same coin.

I had an impromptu sleepover with my iron last night. I also met some of his friends. Still no closer to working out what we are or what he sees me as. But for now it's working for me I think. I just dont want to get too over invested. I feel like I'd like him to message a bit more but it's not the end of the world I guess I'm just needy sometimes.

menora I think you are absolutely awesome in how you take suggestions on board 💐

teens need us more than we think,but don't show it
This is so true kerkyra. It's like they want us to be there, just in case. Even if they spend the whole time ignoring us.

Menora I completely understand how you feel about wanting to spend time with your daughters but also have your own life. It's difficult getting the balance right.
I haven't admitted to my daughter that I go out on dates because I know she wouldn't like it.
I hope you manage to sort something out so everyone is happy.

shitwithsugaron you didn't make me feel worse. I know they will reply if they want to.
It just annoys me that men swipe and match but then don't message and don't unmatch.
I think, if you're not interested then unmatch me!

@TigerDater

It’s that or come back here in a few months with egg on my face a broken heart and unhappy kids 😭
It’s so easy to just let things happen
I don’t want to get everything wrong I feel anxious about it and so does he

@Menora I think it's a bit strange but maybe hes just trying to be nice

@@bangheadhere40 I dont mind staying in but all depends really if u enjoyed it or not.

well no sign of any dates for me. plenty offers to come over to theirs 🙄. was speaking to a couple of guys who seem normal both suggested meeting sunday but didnt hear from either of them.

another guy blocked me cos I told him I didnt like his constant sex chat

spoke to a guy yesterday morning who was too good to be true (red flag in itself lol). wanted a relationship, lovely looking. last message yest morning on WA hasnt been delivered and hes not been online.

another guy who seems pretty normal, been talking a few days, sent me a pic of him in bed (shoulders up lol) saying hed just got in to bed. exact same photo he sent me a few days ago. I called him out and he sent another saying 'oops silly me' . silly but has put me off chatting with him.

other guys I like just dont know how to hold a conversation!

why are men weird??

@menora feel your pain re teens. My DD16 is rarely out of her room but if I see Mr Tri too much she does get in a bit of a grump even though she really likes him and loves that I am happy. I do think she would be pissed off if he tried to arrange Mothers Day though I must admit....

@menora this is possibly a crap suggestion but maybe he’s keen to see you in the evening to show that he is ‘over’ his ex and that he can do lunch and be unaffected. In the early days Mr R was insecure that I might go back to my ex and so I sometimes used to not tell him if I had seen my ex. I know this is the opposite but I cared about Mr R from early on and wanted to reassure him I was over my ex.

(Having said that I do think him inviting himself to a Mother’s Day thing is odd. I have booked myself a table for me and dc for a mother’s day lunch and I know Mr R wouldn’t want to come unless my dc invited him.)

@crazycatlady20 I feel your pain!!
The blokes I match with either don't message, want sex talk or answer with one word and don't move the chat along.

And a lot of them say "why doesn't anyone chat on here" or "don't swipe if you just want a penpal".

I will talk to M and DC

We live a bit in the sticks so DC would struggle to arrange to go out to dinner as there is nowhere to go. They also can’t/won’t cook themselves so I am wondering if this is just his thinking that I will get a night off cooking 😂

@echoelephant I'm glad it's not just me. well I wish it was neither of us.

I feel like I must be a real prude and bore when I try to explain what I'm looking for.

@Menora sounds like his heart's in the right place, you're best placed to know if the suggestion is right for you and your kids.
Sounds like an attempt to connect with your kids and do something nice for you imo, whether he's done it too soon only you know that, but if he has just tell him but that you appreciate the thought.

We don’t tend to go out a lot. Don’t feel like it in the winter and we both have other things going on tying up money. We have lots of ideas for summer like walks etc and I think we will get out more and also maybe with kids by then. We are having a night away Friday and I’m super excited

Lol my messages have resorted to pucca pies

I give up!!

@TigerDater thank you for the chat your right, plenty to think about and talk to my therapist about!

Well coffee with mr inappropriate turned into coming back to mine and dtd!! I guess that wasn’t that surprising considering our conversations!! So yes if a mans interested it’s not that hard! It’s also a lot easier when your not that invested! It was sex it was pretty damn good, and a nice guy it’ll work well for fwb as I doubt I’ll get the feels.