Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@bangheadhere40 just say something about you've clearly got very different lifestyles isn't it amazing how you get on? Or tell him you're feeling a bit intimidated by his huge house. I can guarantee he will tell you you're being daft. Is there a huge discrepancy between your jobs? You can also say that. You're feeling a bit intimidated by that too and wondering why he wants to date you. Because he won't go, "oh hang on Bang, you've got a point. Actually my ex was a high flyer too. You'd better leave now.."
he's more likely to be wondering what the hell hes done to piss you off. It's ok to share some SOME insecurities you've slept together. He will have some too and chances are it'll pull you closer.

I had kind of similar with Mr U. He's from a very rural Mediterranean background. He's broke and currently homeless. In his eyes I have a huge house, no financial woes, an easy life. It was one of his issues with me. However if you look at it in detail, it's the shared family home, it's in the wrong bit of town in the wrong style, (as if that matters but it's cheap...) (and I'm about to move to ex LA in an even cheaper part of town) He also doesn't get mortgages, the London housing market (ie it's luck, I bought very cheap 25 years ago) I have no pension at 50 odd and no income apart from maintenance. Horses for courses.

I've also just got rid of Mr Baggage for similar. He lives in a huge house in a posh part of the 'burbs, loaded etc. I'm trying (re thread advice!) not to prejudge. Last night he made a snotty remark about me shopping in Lidl. That is wanky. And rude. Which is out if order.

What I'm trying to say is it's not the discrepancy that's the problem it's the attitude. If they don't care (mr ski and mr Dumfries) then they are genuinely nice people who find you attractive for whatever reason.

And I'm so glad to have found a reason to get rid if him as we were getting on like a house on fire til then.

I'm left with mr maracas. Who loves football and beer. Both things I hate . See I'm listening @tigerdater 😁 he is however really hot in a dimpled, beardy, swarthy, slim, smiley way, 50 something way. And he shops in Lidl.

Sorry @Peanutbuttermouth he sounds like he's being a bit snobby, yes. Seems to be one of those weird thread waves....

@Peanutbuttermouth it might not be that! I dont think I'd be introducing anyone to my family before 6 months or so. Just because I dont think they need to be involved so much now. I'm wary of letting my family know what's going on in my life though so as far as they know I'm basically a hobbit who spends all her time at home.

Good luck @bangheadhere40 we're all here (on and off) anyway to shout support from the sidelines

@unambiguous thank you...

I will take your advice on board, he will be back any minute. I'm not very good at talking about things though, unless I've had a few drinks.....

I hate it when my anxiety takes over.

I wouldn't introduce at this stage either but it was the fact that he invited me and then uninvited me that's bothering me, and now I know he hasn't even told them about me! He has by his account a very good relationship with them.

Do you think he was looking for a reason to uninvite you @peanutbuttermouth? I'd say 2.5 months is early for meeting the family. But I'd be upset if I'd assumed it was on the cards and then find out I hadn't been mentioned at all. What makes you think it's because you are a single parent?

And for the rich irons (firstly, I'm jealous I never get that!) but secondly they were all on the apps. Just like us. Looking for dates. Just like us.

Yeah I think he used us falling out as an excuse to uninvite me. Ages ago I asked him what his family would think of him dating a single parent and he was hesitant.

And he said if he had known I was a single parent before meeting me he wouldn't have met me in the first place. I didn't tell him til after our first date.

@Peanutbuttermouth how old are you both? Has he met your DC? Are you going to talk to him about this?

We're early 30s. He has no dc but wants them. He comes from a "nice" family. I don't! I'm sure his parents would rather he start from scratch as it were. All these thoughts are making me insecure and want to break it off, yet he is by far the loveliest man I've met in the last 2.5 yrs of old and we are really well suited.

Ooo peanut he sounds a bit afraid of his family and their opinion. I would wonder why that is. Also to invite you then use a silly thing like you being late to uninvite you is odd, why could he not just be honest and say he’s worried about introducing you?

Those with the anxiety try and tell yourself it’s excitement, a lot of it prob is at seeing your irons and the hormones. I always feel v anxious and sweaty 😂 but it’s like a rush of hormones and adrenaline.

@peanutbuttermouth if he wasn’t going to introduce you then he shouldn’t have mentioned the family really. It is quite early to be meeting family so I wouldn’t even worry about it. It won’t be he’s ashamed or anything maybe they just ask a lot of q’s. On his grumpiness about your lateness I have friends of 30 years who are always late 🤷🏼‍♀️ 30 mins isn’t a big deal as long as he wasn’t stood outside somewhere in the cold

Hope you dont mind me jumping on here. I've had 2 dates with OLD guy. Was a v busy time for me and I wasnt concentrating so much on it. We have messaged since the beginning of Jan.I think I gave out the wrong signals and he messaged me about 'not enough spark' after the second date, despite the first date him going to make a move. It took me by surprise and I brushed him off. We have messaged since and last night/ today is the first time we havent. I miss the messages despite knowing it's not 'real'. Is this normal? do you think he will be feeling the same? or do I forget it?

Hi @coffee43 'not enough spark' is code for he didn't really fancy you. Read the rules at the start of he thread. One of the reasons we advise not to over invest is because a huge void can be left when you have an intense texting communication with someone but the spark isn't there in real life. Time to delete his number and move on.

@Notcoolmum, ok thank you. My self esteem isnt good right now and this has made me feel awful! ok, I will delete his number

Bang I haven’t been to his house, I have seen a couple photos of bits of his house when he’s shown me work he’s being doing in it. He doesn’t speak posh so I’m guessing he has work hard to get where he is now. We don’t really have much in common which worries me but he seems keen on seeing me again.

Sorry to hear that coffee. It’s good advice to delete so you’re not tempted to chase him, but try not to let it affect your self-esteem. Read the rules at the start of the thread - you need a thick skin for this!

@Lovemusic33 if he isn't posh but has just done well for himself then he probably prefers people who are more down to earth than probably lots of people he comes across normally.
He wants to see you again, stop putting yourself down!!!
It might not work out but who knows if you don't give it a go, on the other hand it just might 😉

@Peanutbuttermouth I think he was looking for an excuse to uninvite you which isn't really very nice. I don't think 2.5 is too soon at all, as there's no rules on timescales only when you feel comfortable with it all. We're at 4.5 months and know we're so well suited and have a future.

There is seriously nothing we haven't discussed from finances to our pasts, kids, marriage and our future. I've met pretty much all of MrMs family as he told them about me quite early on. He's meeting mine when we travel down south in 3 weeks or so.

I think communication is the biggest thing and the hardest thing. We talk about anything that's bothering us and I've taken rule 13(?) very seriously.

@peanutbuttermouth it does sound like he changed his mind, and I personally think it's all a bit soon. Perhaps talk it through with him another time. Things can always change though in the future.

As always it's taken me a few days to catch up with everyone's updates! Here's mine, Mr children who I was supposed to be meeting today made plans with me as to which train he would be on and so on then ghosted which was kind of weird! I've not heard from Mr pool table again who I went on my date a week ago, the one who had a complicated life and a lot of thinking to do which I took to mean was seeing someone else so good riddance to bad rubbish on that one I think! I'm talking to a few others but also seem to have got myself into an online long distance thing with a certain Mr Belgium, that wasn't supposed to happen! but he's gorgeous and exactly what I want in a man only, he lives in Belgium! Normally I won't go there with long distance but I really like him so far so here we are. I'll keep chatting to him online for now and see if he comes good with his promise to come to the UK around Easter time and then we can see what happens from there I guess. It's weird how things work out isn't it and you never know what's around the corner for you, I never thought I would ever give anyone long distance a chance with me and yet here I am, giving him a chance!

@TigerDater thank you. It's tough and I will not chase, just very annoyed with myself for getting caught up in the messages