Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I did the same @Sunshineandflipflops Mr B has mentioned it a couple of times but he knows I'm not keen on check ins together so he's not changed his!

It’s only social media, i don’t take that stuff too seriously really. Having been in a very controlling RS before this feels more like just wanting to get my attention more than controlling. I already know he’s needier than me in terms of being an attention seeker. I think I’m more confident in myself that I don’t need this kind of validation so find it funny in other people also we were both drunk separately. In the cold light of day he probably has egg on his face and that is funny. I don’t find it too irritating...... YET
I wouldn’t say I am the most mature person either to be completely honest with you! Being silly and annoying each other is why we seem to get along. I will probably complain about him whilst also laughing about it which will annoy everyone else!

@TigerDater. @unambiguousbeard thank you , that stirred something up and I had a little cry and I’m ok now xx

in terms of maturity, neither of us really got to enjoy our childhoods. My childhood was abusive and his was divorced parents and he was split between them and moved around the country.

I have always been a very silly parent to my DC because I think I finally felt I could be myself reliving what I didn’t have (poor DC! and I was very young when I had them in a controlling RS where I couldn’t be myself) but I am very emotionally open with them and my friends and I are immature idiots at times, especially my best friend but again I have very deep emotional connections with my friends and DC but not my parents at all.

So we seem to be attracted to what we have in common which is to be a pair of wallys who have a lot of emotions.

I do have a sensible streak more than Mr M does though I think and I don’t go around just letting everyone see my emotions. When I attach to someone I am all in, but it can take time for me to trust someone enough.

I know this sounds weird and confusing I am not always a very good grown up!

Advice please! My insecurities are kicking in and I could use someone to give me a head wobble please! Either that or it’s rule 13.
Seeing Mr scenery for 5 weeks, one date each Wednesday, daily check ins each evening, last night he was quiet, he’d been in what’s app but not seen read my message, messaged me a lot later than usual he’d been out with a friend and was a bit drunk, he’s got a night out tonight and tomorrow night, so I’m expecting minimum messaging, I shouldn’t have a problem with this, but I do! All it’d take is a “off out now, hope you’ve had a good day, speak tomorrow” and I’d be ok, but I’m struggling with the silence and I’ve noticed he doesn’t always ask how my day was, or ask anymore if I’ve said it’s been stressful or not too great. I’m tempted to go back on the apps because it’s starting to feel like I like him a lot more than he likes me! Not sure what I’m asking, probably want to be told if it’s good in person shallow messages mean nothing! Anyway just wanted to vent as I’m finding it a bit tough. I’m still messaging mr poser (potential fwb) but I’ve cooled it as I thought things with mr scenery were moving on, but he’s so much better at the “how’s your day” “what are you up to?” “Sounds stressful” messages, I think his communication style is showing me what’s missing with mr scenery.

@stuck - has his messaging style changed considerably from what it was? Some people aren't huge texters, but if it's dropped off from what it was then that may be a cause for concern.

It doesn't take much to send a quick message to 'check in', I don't think it's too much expecting that. Currently waiting for one from Mr Dumfries...he's not a big messenger really, but he never has been so nothing has changed as such. I think it's if there is a 'change' in the comms to be wary.

@Stuckinarut79, it sounds like you are beginning to invest in Mr Scenery and after 5 weeks you are probably thinking about him lots and looking forward to your next date etc. I have no clever advice or concept of how into each other you are. Have there been any discussions about what you are both looking for? I can be quite needy and like hearing from my irons, even if it's just a check in or out for the day. I think it stands to reason that the more you like someone the greater the impact on your feelings or thoughts if it seems to not quite be as you would hope for. Are Wednesdays your only current option for meeting ? Have you discussed other times ? After 5 dates I would be expecting things to go up a gear or two. Dating is a minefield. You may be in the territory now of seeing whether you are both equally invested.

I joined this thread not long after my iron Mr Van had more or less disappeared from my life after 3 months of pretty serious dating. At the time he said he was having a rough time grieving for his late mom. They had been very close. After an initial week or so of sporadic contact and no reply from him I stopped any contact and assumed he was gone. Last night he whatsapped me, first time in 4 weeks. Said he was feeling somewhat better, would call me soon and missed me. I sent a message back saying glad to hear that he was feeling a bit better etc. Not sure what I feel now. I did really like him and it had felt like I was in a RS with him. I guess I will just have to see what he says if and when he calls.

@Stuckinarut79

It could be he was just drunk and hungover today but I think it’s good you noticing he’s not asking you about yourself
Agree to pull back a bit and perhaps it’s a good idea to spend a bit of time talking to the second iron?

@Menora a pair of wallies. Love it. You always sound like you've got your head screwed. And at least you see his behaviour for what it is.

@Jane1978xx and a tissue!

Just jumping in to say about messaging. I got rid of any irons that didn't have the same messaging style as me. I'm a huge messager and it's one of the things on my list. It's a deal breaker for me as I wouldn't settle for anything less.

I've looked back at Mr M and I's messages since the start and it's the same now as it was 4.5 months ago - we send lots of voice messages now and we certainly check in with each other all the time. The beginning and end of every day starts and ends with a message - mostly a voice message as we both enjoy listening to each other.

I think it's all about knowing what you want from a relationship and not stopping until you find it

Agree re the styles and also if you feel you can be yourself around them. I like making people laugh so someone really serious and without a silly streak I find stressful to communicate with them because I don’t know if they will get me. I might send a silly meme or a silly voice note I don’t mind if I don’t get one back but it’s so much better if you do. You want someone who can put a smile on your face pretty easily. Sometimes my communication style hasn’t matched with someone and it is stressful but I do believe that it isn’t the be all and end all to a RS if you otherwise communicate well in person. Some people are more adapted to written communication than others! But try voice notes as they are so much fun

I agree re messaging. As in we're all different. I hate it. I find the whole good morning/good night thing an irritant. If someone does that to me I ditch them. I don't have time. I'm busy! I do like something relevant a joke or something they've seen. And I do like a message chat a couple of times a day. But it has to be about something! But the older I get the more I realise how difficult I am... and that's the reason I can't find any irons. It's not them, it's me!

Me and Mr Ad always say good morning/good night by text if we're not together too, but particularly good night. That's part of a relationship I miss when I'm on my own, having someone to say good night to.

I would like more messages ideally, but similar to @unambiguousbeard Mr Dumfries said on the first date he can't be doing with messaging all day, so I leave it up-to him normally, then reply.

I quite like the good morning / good night texts as well, ideally would prefer more frequency, and they can be quite random.

So I guess it's our 5th date this weekend ( and 6th) as I am staying both nights after inviting myself up ( which went down well). I wish he didn't live so far away and after this weekend not sure when we can see each other again, with childcare issues to sort / him working and having childcare etc.

I need to remember not to assume we are 'seeing' each other, it feels like it though at the moment, even though no official chat.

@bangheadhere40 why don't you raise it this weekend with him? Your "seeing each other" situation?

I can't remember having someone to say goodnight to. ExH and I hadn't shared a bed in years. I used to spend my evenings in the bedroom reading and he'd watch tv downstairs. So I've spent my evenings/nights alone for years

@dancemom I might do...was kind of hoping he would really and I would prefer it to come from him, rather than me ask.

I do get a bit twitchy re the messages if I haven't heard from him for a bit, it can be quite sporadic with him, and I like consistency.

I would like more messaging. I can be needy. It was every day before we met. Less so now, but we just spent 48 hours together so I dont really need to speak to him right now exactly. It's just the whole no idea what we are that's confusing me. But on reflection I'm pretty happy with what ever it is for now.

banghead if you want to know the answer to a question, surely the onus is on you to ask the question? He’s not a mind reader.

unambiguous my word, you do sound like you are on a rollercoaster emotionally! I hope you’re ok.

Thanks for all your thoughts, I think @Onesmallstep67 kind of hit the nail on the head it’s this 5 week in thing, it’s ticking lots of boxes and feels right but I’m really struggling with a week between dates and not keeping the connection between times. His messaging style hasn’t changed and he’d said he had a lot on for the next few weeks, I suppose I’m thinking I need to see more of him to figure out if it’s got legs or not and I’m inpatient. I think finding and talking to other irons and keeping my options open is a good idea, it feels too much like I’m investing too much in mr scenery at the moment, but I don’t know if it’s right yet so I’m obsessing about the time between dates! This is meant to be fun not angst filled especially so early on!
I’ve a child free night tonight so going to do something fun, not sit in overthinking and over investing!

@TigerDater do I? I'm not really. I just got over excited when I went back on tinder as I got a load of potentially good matches as you do when you first start. Now I've calmed down a bit and filtered out the under 40s my swipe pile is pretty grim. And I've remembered how much time you have to invest. And there's no one I want to meet yet. Apart from mr baggage obviously 🙄 I like my evenings home alone too much to go and meet someone unless there's a definite click message wise. I'm thinking I might do short intense bursts of a couple of weeks and then remove the app for a month or so then try again. Because I'm getting jaded quite quickly and there's no point unless you're feeling enthusiastic. But I'm fine. It's just I keep wondering if the effort involved is worth the outcome!

That sounds a very sensible approach unambiguous, I’m so glad I just misread your state! It is all a faff and a pain for sure, but I suppose you have to be in it to win it. If winning it is actually what you want if course.

@bangheadhere40 if you are spending 2 nights and you’ve had quite a few dates close together I’d assume you are seeing each other. Maybe try and have the conversation x

@unambiguousbeard I don't think it's solely you. I think that's just the way Tinder works. All the most popular (highly ranked) profiles you haven't seen are popped up first. You may swipe positively on a handful. If you don't get swiped back (the mad fools!), your ranking diminishes and the cycle continues with you swiping through the next tier down. Bumble works similarly. I think the ranking algorithms do not favour the very choosy.