I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

Good luck.everything happens for a reason, one day you will meet someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated,sending hugs x

Relationships end all the time, don't be embarrassed! You owe no one an explanation or justification. You might find your overwhelming feeling is one of relief after the event anyway.

Surely single life is better than this ? Like why on earth would you prefer this to being happily single

I know society perpetuates this myth that people need to be coupled up but i struggle to see even one positive here

Be well

It sounds like you're a bit too nice, OP.

Time to finish things and work on your boundaries & self-respect.

You are worth more than this!!!

Take him off your health plan/cancel the remaining sessions now, go and buy a replacement cylinder and fit it this afternoon (it's really easy), block him on email, WhatsApp, Instagram, Snapchat or any other SM outlet and your mobile.

You don't need to speak to him ever again. Certainly don't apologise for anything. Let him sulk in his bedroom.

And get on with your life without a sulky teenager who thinks that the ultimate man is one who forces a woman to do all the grown up things like work, managing emotions, paying bills, sorting out medical treatment and switching on a fucking dishwasher.

All you need to say is it didn't work out or we decided we weren't on the same page, our interests were not compatible etc.
In my view when you explain yourself like that you present yourself as a sensible person who makes pragmatic decisions and moves on when it's clear there is no future in a relationship.
Nothing to be embarrassed about 🙂

Thank you all.
Ive still not heard from him but right now ive not quite got my 'speech' prepared enough and dont know when i will be able to get my key back / have him collect his stuff (I cant drop it off or leave it outside, as there are some large wont-fit-in-my-car without a struggle items)

Keep the speech as short as possible. Do not go for a full on character assassination. Believe me when you look back on this in future the less you say the better you'll feel about how you handled it

Remember that anything you say to him will be twisted and spun and used against you in the future

Also remember that whatever you say he won't listen to it he will see it as the start of a negotiation, a negotiation in which he spins all your reasons to try and bring you around to what is good for him

"I'm an alpha male by the way"

Throws a tantrum because a wet wipe stuck to his elbow haha.

@Gobbycop Lol!

He's an alpha toddler 😅

There's nothing to be embarrassed about, hold your head high and just say to people it's wasn't working for me, so I decided to call it a day' I'd have nothing but respect for a friend that called time on a relationship as it wasn't what she wanted. You don't have to tell people 'why'.

As for him flouncing over an exchange about a dishwasher he's never used, and a wet wipe - yup I can see why he thinks he's an alpha male proper 'ard man'

ive not quite got my 'speech' prepared enough
You don't need one.
"Sorry, this is no longer working for me, I don't want to discuss it further" is pretty much all you need.
Maybe save it until you have had your locks changed, but do it asap after that.

I cant drop it off or leave it outside, as there are some large wont-fit-in-my-car without a struggle items
Not your problem.
He wants his stuff, he gets his dad to drive him, or he hires a man-&-van.

Some thoughts:
Whatever you decide to say, it may help to practise saying it out loud. This will make it easier to say when you're having the actual talk. When you talk to him, keep your mind focused on the outcome you want, so you don't get sidetracked.

outcome you want = him gone.

The initial "speech" is the easy bit. Reacting to his responses is the hard bit. Run through those scenarios more.

You won't get to say any speech. You'll get;

'You attacked me'

'You were violent to me'

'You abused me'

'My Mum is DEAD, don't you care?'

'You're just like my ex'

Don't waste your mental energy planning anything. He doesn't care. Nothing you say will make him care.

He is simultaneously the Victim and the Hero in his own head. And you are inevitably the Bad Person/Wicked Witch now you've stood up and effectively said 'this is bollocks'. You've destroyed his narrative. And he will never forgive you for that.

Because a small piece of fabric stuck to his elbow, he will feel that he has the absolute right to demand that you apologise and spend thousands years grovelling for his forgiveness.

Just change the sodding locks now and if you must get in touch, send 'You can pick your stuff up on Tuesday at 7pm' and then don't engage with him further than that - you don't even need to 'ask' for your key back, because you've changed the lock - and if he makes a big thing about keys (such as 'Has it really come to this? Well, I haven't got it, I dropped it when running from you/left it at home/how can you be so cold when YOU ATTACKED ME?'), you can say 'No matter, I changed the locks anyhow' and shrug it off.

Whatever his motivations, he is in no fit state to be in a relationship. Now I will read beyond the first 50 posts!

What everyone else said but especially Mitzi and messolini said. You are still devoting far more time to thinking about this than he is. He's still sulking expecting you to come begging. He doesn't give a shit! You don't owe him a speech or a conversation. Get the locks changed. Send him a message. Give him a time to pick up his stuff or have a fucking courier come and pick it up and deliver it to his dad's (it will be well worth the money).

The relationship has ended - great !

Look forward to freedom & planning some new things to do, holidays, hobbies etc

You deserve so much more

This time is actually a huge positive

Change the lock barrel you’ll not know if he’s cut spares.

I’d pay a man with a van to pick up and dump his stuff.

You don't need a speech - you just text him:

Hi [Alpha Male]

Yesterday's silly argument about the dishwasher made me realise that our relationship really isn't working. I've had enough, and it's over. Let me know when would be a good time next week for you to collect your things.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out, but it's good to know that you can move back in with your dad.

When he replies, just don't engage - just keep repeating that you're sorry but that it's definitely over, and when can he come to get his stuff.

Sorry, @ChargeX, I know it really isn't funny, and I don't envy you your situation, but I am still sniggering about all the outrage being caused by a wet wipe! Good job you didn't flick him with a tea towel ...