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Original poster

I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

275 replies

ChargeX · 22/02/2020 18:14

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 22/02/2020 22:59

Dodged a bullet here 💐

copperoliver · 22/02/2020 23:20

Stay away from him now. ThIs is your perfect excuse to get rid of him without any drama. X

Sagradafamiliar · 22/02/2020 23:27

No one just 'hands over a house' to move in with mummy and daddy especially not when they're pushing 40.
He's been spinning you lines from the start, OP. The sad death of his mum wasn't the catalyst for his issues, they were already there.

Sagradafamiliar · 22/02/2020 23:28

Oh it's already been said just a few posts up!

Dailyjunglegrind · 22/02/2020 23:38

announce you have an infestation of some sort. Arrange hoax fummigation and kindly suggest he store his items back at fathers place.... then change the locks ....cocklodger problem solved

Coyoacan · 22/02/2020 23:59

I think you sound like a kind and empathetic person and I hope you never lose that quality, but you do need to develop more boundaries to weed out cocklodgers and hangers-on, OP.

Original poster
ChargeX · 23/02/2020 06:24

I think i might take @copperoliver s advice and use this as the excuse i need. I know others have said it too, so thank you all.

@Nogoodusername urgh...! Did you ever stop feeling like a fool? Im starting to feel like an idiot.

@Coyoacan thank you for the kind words. And you are right. I think if the death / traumatic event hadnt happened i would have spotted it all much earlier. It came at the perfect time and gave him the perfect excuse in some ways. He has openly blamed things he has done wrong on his dm dying, bad behaviour etc. And i want to be supportive... but i think the ship is sailing on my patience.

OP posts:
Poorolddaddypig · 23/02/2020 06:42

I don’t know why but it really made me laugh that you threw a clean wet wipe at him Grin but yes, leave, he won’t chsnge!

Original poster
ChargeX · 23/02/2020 06:47

@poorolddaddypig Blush

Im not at all proud of it. But i get why you laughed.

OP posts:
freeingNora · 23/02/2020 07:27

Have a jolly good google about the sunken costs fallacy it's a real thing

Also let yourself off the hook because these blokes see you coming. Men like this don't pick losers (although that's how they make us feel in the end how else will he get you to stay in a relationship) They pick women that other men would be envious of and of course I bet you're very capable or how else could he ensure he could abdicate all his life work and make sure it was done

There would have been a boundary test red flag if you like to test how desperate you were to be liked and how far you were willing to go to keep him. Have a think it will show up.

The other thing as women we are taught by society to be nice not hurt his feelings acquiescence by stealth.

I would suggest that his over blown sense of entitlement to you, your resources and time is in fact abusive. Have a look at why does he do that by Lundy bancroft and women who love to much.

I also think that when you're an orphan without key family members it makes you vulnerable

AlwaysCheddar · 23/02/2020 07:53

Get rid of him!

CatalogueUniverse · 23/02/2020 08:27

ChargeX

The good news is you are aware enough to have spotted it. The bad news is you were vulnerable enough to get sucked in and are emotionally susceptible to this type of person.

You sound like you are capable and have managed to have financial independence, own a home which are all great achievements. At the same time you’ve mentioned a history of poor relationships which suggests that due to your personal set of experiences you have a vulnerability in that area.

A positive step for you would be to do The Freedom Program to help you to be less vulnerable going forwards. Do it for you.

popsydoodle4444 · 23/02/2020 08:28

@ChargeX

You're settling!

You've said it yourself,you're in your 30's and have been had crap previous relationships.Don't settle because time is moving on and you've invested a year and a half in this man.

He's not who he represented himself to be and the situation is going to get worse.Your relationship shouldn't be faced with difficulties like this after only 18 months together,Its a lot to take on.

Sadly it's probably time to cut him loose.

isthismylifenow · 23/02/2020 08:35

OP there is something about the 18 month mark, I think it's where the not so obvious which should be obvious, just hits home.

(I think this as it's just happened to me)

Right now it's depression from his mums passing, a year down the line it's going to be about something else. I'm not saying he isn't depressed, but you have helped him as much as you can, but is he helping himself too?

It's been 18 months so although it's difficult I know, it's easy enough to walk away. Try to think about being in this same situation 4 or 5 years down the line. Can you do it? The relationship doesn't sound equal. If it were me I would walk away, take from what was the good from the relationship and move on.

It has to be good for you too. I don't think you really get to know someone properly until around this time frame, in my opinion.

Mary1935 · 23/02/2020 08:41

You’ve had a lucky escape. Stay away from him, block him, cancel the counselling and he may grow up eventually.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/02/2020 08:53

I'm glad you've seen the light. Don't worry about being fair to him. Just text him it's over and leave his stuff outside for him to pick up.

Original poster
ChargeX · 23/02/2020 09:38

Yes i agree with you all... i just need to build up the courage to end it.

The most embarrassing bit is telling everyone its over. Hes the first ive ever really gone "public" with as it were and hung out with family, friends etc. Talked about him to work colleagues like we had a future... i feel embarrassed now.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 23/02/2020 09:42

You don't need to be embarrassed! This kind of thing happens a lot in life.
All you have to say is "living together showed that we weren't as compatible as we thought!" then you all laugh and you say you don't really want to talk about it because it is still raw then you talk about something else.

FraglesRock · 23/02/2020 09:44

I think you need to rejig your mindset. He's the one who should be embarrassed by his behaviour.
Just tell everyone it's over, by text if you want it done. That he wasn't stepping up, was happy still living at home etc. Absolutely noone will be surprised.

Text him whilst you're on it.
Exp, I've been thinking deeply about our relationship since last night. I've decided that we've come to the end. I'd be grateful if you'd gather up my belongings and key and I'll do the same. I'll be round at x o'clock to exchange.

teaandcake246 · 23/02/2020 09:52

I don’t think people will think worse of you at all for ending it. As Tork says, so many people have relationships that end. I think people will be sympathetic. (For all you know, your family and friends might not have a great opinion of him, and be really relieved when you end it!) Flowers

CatalogueUniverse · 23/02/2020 09:58

Yeah I get the embarrassment. Get a script ready. We’ve realised after a brief go at living together we aren’t as compatible as we hoped so we’ve split, though it’s the right thing I’m still sad/upset but don’t worry I’m not going to bore you with all the details. Then change the subject.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 23/02/2020 10:05

The most embarrassing bit is telling everyone its over. Hes the first ive ever really gone "public" with as it were and hung out with family, friends etc. Talked about him to work colleagues like we had a future... i feel embarrassed now.

Well done for making the decision OP it definitely sounds like the right thing.

About the above - I've learned nobody really gives a shit about other people's break ups, not in a judgemental way anyway! Nobody will spend ages mulling over the ifs and whys and details, they'll just think oh that's a shame, if that!

Mum told me when I was younger that everyone is too busy worrying about their own stuff to pay too much attention to yours and I think that's probably very true.

From the outside it'll just be a bog standard, run of the mill, nothing to see here break up so don't worry Smile

pictish · 23/02/2020 10:05

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Some relationships don’t work out. The truth is perfectly acceptable. Fundamentally incompatible.
It is what it is.

Jiggles101 · 23/02/2020 10:07

Not the point I know but who cleans their kitchen with fucking wet wipes?! They're terrible for the planet, use a reusable sponge or cloth or something like everyone else! Or even better a coconut scourer.

Get rid of the wet wipes, and the useless boyfriend.

BraveGoldie · 23/02/2020 10:40

OP, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. You dated, there was some potential but you have realized it's not right... that's all.

I think it does sound like you are seeing who he truly is and will stay. If you had been together 10 years and for the first 8 he'd shown all these great qualities and was only now struggling after his dm's death then of course that is different. But based on what you have said, this is it. This is who he is.

If it isn't right for you, then it shows courage to know that and make the tough move. Far better now than after years and years of waiting....

If what he is now is something that can make you happy, then that's different. But my instinct is you are right to see no signs of change....