What do you make of this?

[Bellafish]

I'm a 39 year old woman who has been single for 3 years now.. it's been very difficult for me I recently started a new job about 8 months ago and hit it off with a guy who I was sat next to. Hes 35 very chatty and flirty and we get on like a house on fire.theres something that's been really giggling me though. He has made out to me hes single but another girl who I recently got talking to told me hes not and was like well maybe hes having problems with her but I'm80%sure hes not
I did say to this him and he seemed very annoyed saying shes a liar and that when he started he was in a relationship with the mother of his two children but split up with her a year ago and says he doest tell anyone at work because "they're all nosy f**kers and use it against you"

This isnt all tho..he only sees me after work taking me out to lunch or to his mates flat because he lives far away from where our workplace is..sometimes we go to mine but he always rushes off.. he says it's because he lives far out which is true because this is common knowledge in his work. Our workplace is in the centre and he lives in a little outside village from the city. So I know hes not lying he also says he sometimes has his eldest come round after shes had her tea at her mums ?? I really really like him but in quite gutted because on Valentines day he didnt do anything except get me a card. I was hoping hed take me out and wed go out for a few drinks but nothing I dont know if he knew I was upset as he again said it's hard for him on weekends because he has the kids iv only ever seen him on a friday night and that's it..I wouldn't say were exclusive but we are seeing each other and everything is so good he makes me laugh, incredible sex etc I just dont know why hes not being more serious or exclusive? He sometimes snaps at me not to tell people at work. The only reason the other woman and me discussed him as she mentioned how he looked good with his new haircut I kind of accidentally on purpose made a joke saying well I'm sure someones snapped him up and that's when she said hes withsomeone...married or engaged i think" her exact words. He has no wedding ring on his fingers before anyone asks..i am so confused yet so upset. He gives me a quick call in the evenings only on some days then txts me around 9-10pm and says hes going to sleep . I hardly hear from him on weekends and when indo it's very rushed txting no phone calls.

What does everyone think? How do I approach this without him snapping or being put off? Its early days so I cant exactly ask him if hes lying to me I think hed be very turned off?

What happened today?

Admitted he was still living with the mother of his children "on and off" to keep his children happy.. absolute joke. I took yesterday and today off sick. Haventbveen able to keep a meal down. I'm fuming. Why didnt he just tell me in the first place? He claims they separated a year ago but she has nowhere else to go not to mention both of their schools are nearby. He says he tries to stay at his mum and dads who also live nearby on some days. I dont believe him. Would anyone else? Hes been txting since yday morning. I havent responded yet

And you're still questioning it??? He's told you he's still with her what more do you want to hear?

Absolute bollocks. He's still in a relationship with her. At least you know now though OP and you're not tearing yourself apart inside over it. You need to end it and move on. Distance yourself from him at work now too.

Oh, and my ex had DS every weekend for almost 6 years (I indeed had the drudgery of school, homework and no fun with him during the week). He's only bothered seeing him for 2 hours over the last 6 weeks, but that's a story for another thread 🙃

And he’s still not being honest with you OP, and what now, your sworded little trist with this scumbag is affecting your work.

Block him, and don’t be so bloody naive next time.

Sorry OP, but at least now you know he's a lying scumbucket.

Can you speak to your line manager, explain what's happened and ask to have your desk moved? And possibly a role change so that you don't have to speak to the cunt.

Don't think of it as you've had failed relationships. Every relationship could be said to "fail" up until the one you're in when you or the other person dies.

Don't bother responding to his texts at all. He is still lying to you.

He is not single. He is still with the mother of his children. He may even be married to her and have no plans for separation or divorce. That would explain why he has been at pains to keep you away from his home up to now. He is cheating on her with you.

Text back only to inform him that he is definitely dumped. Then block him.

At work, ask to move desks. Perhaps tell your manager that you and this guy just aren't particularly getting on, that you aren't happy sitting there and feel you would perform much better from a different desk. Someone else can probably come up with a much better way of putting it than me.

He isn't living with her "on and off" at all. He is living with her. Nowhere else. With her. Nothing else makes sense no matter how plausible he is trying to make his explanations. Don't fall for them again.

Cmon op. You knew it wasn’t right, what grown man takes you to his mates house for a shag.

He’s not on and off, he’s tried to turn you into nothing more than a shag on the side. He’s with the mother of his kids. End of.

I hope you are finally realising he's full of shit?

You were the ow.

You now need as pp said to dump, block and distance as much as possible at work.

And really don't be so foolish in the future.

You've been seeing him for two months, so you haven't wasted your time OP. Just cut contact and ask your boss if you could move desks ( make up a plausible excuse ) .
Don't beat yourself up over him , he's not worth it

And no op, no one would believe him because it’s the most obvious lie. You even said in your op he said his daughter comes round after tea at her mums for gods sake. That he can’t see you at weekends as he has the kids, His mums is his, they live together, they are romantically involved, they have not separated. She has the kids at the weekend too.

He’s been lying through his teeth and getting his end away, using you like a bit of fluff and taking you to his mates house for sex, or coming to yours after work for it.

Really hold your head up high, act with dignity. You’re worth more than this man lying to you and treating you like free sex.

Well that explains it doesn’t it. And no, no one would believe his version of living with his wife.

I had to tell my line manager. She had seen me upset in the toilets (yes dont judge me but I was bawling like a baby after he told me maybe there was some glimmer of hope that he was telling the truth. Even him just wanting a bit of fun would have been better than this as I know hes deifnitely still with her) my line manager is actually the one who sent me home. She didnt as any questions but shes not stupid she must have known it was something to do with him. I just said to her I'm having a hard time with someone and I'm just very stressed, it's made me feel not so good. She let me go home and said I took take some time off from my hours I've accumulated or if I needed to see my GP to let her know.
What annoys me he is trying to blame the woman who told me wasnt single in the first place, the one that technically started all the alarm bells. He went mad calling her a fucking nosy interfering cow. And kept saying "I know shes said more shit to you" when I said actually no it just made me think of why you always rush off and never stay round when I've offered you. He then went mad trying to tell me this would make him a bad dad!! I said what do you mean? And he said I go home for my kids. My daughter wants to see me so I said so where is your ex partner? He replied shes sometimes there or at her mates! It was just such a horrible convo. He couldn't understand why I wastnt happy?!
I said well why could you just tell me in the first place then if its just living with her and then again tried to blame the woman calling her every name under the sun saying "bitches like her would have twisted it"!!!! His recent texts are now asking if he can still come round friday night? I've been too upset to even text back. I just feel like a fool

Oh tell him to fuck right off op! Seriously tell him you want nothing more to do with him other than essential work communication and then block his cheating lying arse.

Dry your eyes he is not worth all this angst. Nobody is.

I would say don't take too much time off work as that really won't look good for you. Plus it'll be harder to go back the longer you're away.

Have a pity party today, an early night and then get up tomorrow, put on your favourite work outfit, hair nice all that, set your mind on work and go in and ignore him and refuse to let him reduce you to tears at work again.

I know it's hard, I had to do similar when I'd just split from ex and was working in a new job with him bugging me every 5 mins to claim he hadn't cheated.

But honestly you'll be so proud of yourself.

Game face on, head down and crack on with work.

He is nothing, a stain on the bottom of your shoe that's no more than a minor annoyance.

I agree with everyone - he is in a relationship and it's not with you.

I learned my lesson early - dated a guy in the office and when I broke up with him he didn't talk to me for six months which was a tad difficult since we sat opposite each other, desks touching.

Gosh this isn’t good op, you’ve only been involved with him w few weeks and you’re crying at work to the extent you need to be sent home and your manager thinks you need to see a doctor.

Cmon, pull your BIg girl pants up, this wasn’t even a relationship. He’s a nasty piece of work too, not just the lying to you, cheating on his wife, but the abuse he’s hurling at the woman who told you. You owe her a thank you.

Just text him back politely, don’t show emotion, and say, no Friday is not on, as it is over. See you at work. Let’s put this behind us now.

And leave it there. Block him if you have to for the next few weeks. And get back to work tomorrow, you can be like this over some piece of shit you’d been seeing for two months,

Tbf op, he didn’t take you out and shagged you in his mate’s flat. It was obvious really and alarm bells should have sounded sooner for you.

He's blatantly using you for sex OP. Please just chill out and realise this.

Why are you wasting your time and energy trying to investigate his relationship status??

So is he doing up the bathroom in the family home? Bollocks would he be doing that if they were separating.

You know you're the OW.

OP, you had concerns in the first place to start this post...

I think you have had a lucky escape tbh, work relationships are always a bad idea. Sorry but I have also learnt the hard way!

He is obviously still with the mother of his children and wants to have his cake and eat it. Please do not waste a second more on this creep, dry those tears girl and chin up!

FGS stop blaming the OP. None of this is her fault. It's normal to be devastated when finding out someone you've been intimate with has been bare faced lying to you. Even worse when you have to see them at work and have everyone else muttering away.

I'm so sorry OP. Don't start blaming yourself.

What an absolute bastard, just someone not even worth a moment’s glance OP. A liar and a misogynist (he has no respect for women and happily calls them ‘bitches’ when actually that woman was quietly being kind to you, and truthful).

He’s nasty, self-interested and completely deceitful.

Ask to move desks.

This is why people should not have relationships at work. Now you have to deal with it sitting next to him, working with him every day. Now your manager knows and knows it has affected you at work. Now you are stuck with it all day and the office will be gossiping about you both.

I am not unsympathetic- have been there myself a long time ago. It was awful. We all make mistakes.

1. You are going to feel like crap for a while.
2. Have no further relationship or friendship with him- he has lied to you (and to his family) and broken your trust. He is a shit. You deserve better.
3. Have no further conversation with him in relation to this. Text him and say 'I am not prepared to continue the relationship. You have lied to me. I deserve much better. Any communication at work will be about work and professional. I am not prepared to discuss this decision. It is over.'
4. Ask if it is possible to move desks at work. Explain to your manager there will be no further upset at work, it is finished you will be behaving totally professionally and then do so.
5. Do not discuss it at work with anyone else, at all.
6. Do not get involved in any gossip about him at work- if anyone says anything say 'I am not interested' and stop the conversation.
7. Be absolutely professional with him at work- not icy, not snippy, not sharp, not ignoring, not friendly and jokey, just professional.
8. Do not allow yourself to be drawn back into any contact with him.
9. Move on- professionally if possible, and personally- but not with anyone at work.

10. Don't beat yourself up. Learn the lesson and look ahead- never look back at him. 11. Look after yourself. You deserve better.

How are you today op? I hope you’re in work with a big smile on your face ans acting like nothing has happened, and that you’ve given this man his marching orders.

I understand the desire to be embarrassed by falling for it, but you’ve dealt with it as soon as you found out, weren’t silly enough to fall for it a second time, and are able to hold your head up high. The embarrassment is his, and you should smile your way through this.

Also maybe have a word with your boss, just say something like god I don’t know what was wrong with me yesterday, sorry about that, all good today and leave it there.