What do you make of this?

[Bellafish]

I'm a 39 year old woman who has been single for 3 years now.. it's been very difficult for me I recently started a new job about 8 months ago and hit it off with a guy who I was sat next to. Hes 35 very chatty and flirty and we get on like a house on fire.theres something that's been really giggling me though. He has made out to me hes single but another girl who I recently got talking to told me hes not and was like well maybe hes having problems with her but I'm80%sure hes not
I did say to this him and he seemed very annoyed saying shes a liar and that when he started he was in a relationship with the mother of his two children but split up with her a year ago and says he doest tell anyone at work because "they're all nosy f**kers and use it against you"

This isnt all tho..he only sees me after work taking me out to lunch or to his mates flat because he lives far away from where our workplace is..sometimes we go to mine but he always rushes off.. he says it's because he lives far out which is true because this is common knowledge in his work. Our workplace is in the centre and he lives in a little outside village from the city. So I know hes not lying he also says he sometimes has his eldest come round after shes had her tea at her mums ?? I really really like him but in quite gutted because on Valentines day he didnt do anything except get me a card. I was hoping hed take me out and wed go out for a few drinks but nothing I dont know if he knew I was upset as he again said it's hard for him on weekends because he has the kids iv only ever seen him on a friday night and that's it..I wouldn't say were exclusive but we are seeing each other and everything is so good he makes me laugh, incredible sex etc I just dont know why hes not being more serious or exclusive? He sometimes snaps at me not to tell people at work. The only reason the other woman and me discussed him as she mentioned how he looked good with his new haircut I kind of accidentally on purpose made a joke saying well I'm sure someones snapped him up and that's when she said hes withsomeone...married or engaged i think" her exact words. He has no wedding ring on his fingers before anyone asks..i am so confused yet so upset. He gives me a quick call in the evenings only on some days then txts me around 9-10pm and says hes going to sleep . I hardly hear from him on weekends and when indo it's very rushed txting no phone calls.

What does everyone think? How do I approach this without him snapping or being put off? Its early days so I cant exactly ask him if hes lying to me I think hed be very turned off?

Durrrrrr sorry, your age was the first thing you said!

So, myself and DP (both middle aged) struck up a relationship at work. He lived further away than myself approx 40min drive. However, I did go to his home as it was his home! And he didn't have a wife/family stashed in a cupboard. We've met each other families, and texted/rang each other outside of 'working hours' (amazingly!), due to him not having a 'secret wife/gf/bf/so'. I do not drive so personally a 'stake out' on his property would have involved 2 buses, a large moustache, sunglasses, and a newspaper 🙄 However! I'm aware he was fully single as it never involved all the total shit you appear to be spouting? And remarkably this is also your first post?

Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, if you’re the other woman your ‘relationship’ (nostrings shag for him) is a lie and there is no future.
Don’t be anyone’s secret. Tell people at work and if he gets mad say what, are you ashamed of me? Ask him about exclusivity - Who sleeps with someone for months without being exclusive?(I know some people do but not most!). And ask when you can see him on a weekend, say I just don’t believe you never ever see friends since you split up with your wife.

But really, It’s pretty obvious you are the ow and even if you weren’t you’re just a shag. Time for some self respect.

I've been where you are before. I was 20, he was 26. Something wasn't right. But he was a great guy! I liked him and he liked me. I ignored my gut and trusted his lies. "Can't stay out tonight, have to work in the morning." "My DD lives with me so you can't come over or call me because she gets jealous." "My ex is bitter that it didn't work out between us. DD might tell her something." Why on earth did it not occur to me that if DD had such a relationship with her mother then she should be living part time with her mom?
Well in the end he decided to come clean with me. Not only was he married with a DD, but he had 3 other children and he just found out his DW was pregnant with number 5!!!!
Your post immediately reminded me about this past of mine! I was hurt and somewhat shocked, but not totally shocked.... I always had this gut feeling that he was hiding something and I, like you, excused this feeling with, "we've only been dating a couple of months. When things get more serious, he'll open up to me." More than hurt, I was so angry at myself for ignoring all the signs. For hurting his DW. I don't know if she ever found out, but I never, ever intended to hurt her. I didn't know. I was just young, naive, and in the fog.
OP, stop making excuses... trust your gut/your instinct/ your intuition (whatever you call it). If you didn't feel like something is wrong, then you wouldn't be posting on here asking us. The majority of us are all telling you, you're the OW. Best stop it now before his DW comes looking for you and humiliates you both at the office.

Oh come on OP. You can't be this blind. Why even ask as you know the answers you will get. You clearly aren't going to listen though so why bother.

192.com to see who he lives with?

I wouldn't keep it a secret. Blow the roof right off it.

You can't tell anyone at work because they're nosey yet they all knew he was in a relationship when he started. They're only too nosey too talk to when they know too much.

You are his bit on the side, and he is treating you as such.

You are the other woman here. You are the one he is having a very sleazy and sordid affair with.

Have some self respect and dump his sorry arse. Tell him that you realise that he is still with the mother of his children and if he tries anything on in the office then you will blow the lid off the whole thing and make sure everyone realises what a sleaze bag he really is.

Unless I've missed it, I've not seen one post comment that this guy could be telling the truth. Stop the relationship, there are kids involved.

If he is genuine then surely he should be spending more time with you, why is he not making more of an effort overnight midweek, what are his multiple reasons every week Mon-Thurs.

Op- I was very recently nearly someone’s dirty little secret ( he was single but didn’t want me to meet any of his “friends” who are all female ) although I met his mum and stayed over a lot.

He is now my ex. Have some self respect you’re almost a 40yr old woman but acting like a teenager. Do some digging. I expect you already know more than you’re letting on and don’t like the answers.

Don’t be anyone’s bit on the side, you deserve better.

So he doesn't really phone you during the evening or weekends. He hasn't taken you to his house. You're not friends with him on social media. You've not met his friends or family (just one male friend). You don't see him outside of work (apart from a quick drink or sex)). A colleague has told you he's in a relationship. And you're seriously wondering whether he's single? Even if he was single (which I VERY much doubt), do you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this? Don't be a doormat!

Aw love o hope this turns out well for you. I would just keep digging as much as possible. First thought is finding out his ex / wife's name and look on her Facebook/insta.

If nothing I would find out his address, just take a drive over and shake it out or go and knock on the door

Must admit gut feeling is that he's not single

Slight tangent, but some reasons it isn't a good idea to date people you work with on a daily basis are :

1. if one of you is senior to the other it can cause problems with favouritism/perceptions of favouritism
2. it is tricky to stop your personal life bleeding into your professional life - this can make for a weird dynamic and make other people very uncomfortable
3. if it goes wrong and you split up, you then have to work together which is very difficult for everyone not just the couple.

It's less tricky if you are both on the same level, but if one of you is senior to the other, it gets pretty murky.

However, despite all these reasons, it is very common for relationships to start at work. It's still a bad idea, though - just because it happens a lot doesn't make it OK.

Yes why is this awkward?! I was under the impression lots of couples meet through work?

I didn't say I'd find it awkward because of that. I'm married to my old colleague, no judging from me on that front.
But when I got involved from him, we would still go do stuff in the evenings or text/call if we weren't together. This 'we've been together all day' is nonsense and you know it. In fact is all nonsense and I bet you know it you just don't want to admit it

He sounds married

So do you ever go on dates? You’re positioning that he comes to your house and shags you after work or takes you to a mates to shag you ans that’s it.

Why can’t you go spend the night at his house during the week and head into work together?

At best he’s in it for the sex. At worse he’s with someone else and lying to you to keep you as a bit on the side.

But you know this.

Thanks for everyones reply. Theres lots to sift through. I'll try and answer as much as I can sorry I wasnt as clear on my first post - we have been seeing each other for about 2 months now, not 8. Thats how long Iv known him as I started there mid July and we really got on.
I have no kids and the previous relationships I have had have ended disastrously. 2 months is still very early days for me to be pestering him to stay at his house? I've taken advice from friends as I tend to jump in quite deep when I like someone which is all the more painful when it doesnt work out. So this time, I've really tried not to be the one who calls or texts all the time or suggest dates etc. Maybe this isnt good in this case..I understand where everyone is coming from and actually even if he doesn't have a SO, I dont know if hes that into me?
It's just so frustrating! One voice in my head will say dont be silly hes justeat young guy who wants to play it casual and not go into everything serious (all the sighs point to this) so either i accept that orndesperately hope it might phase into something bigger. Another voice in my head throws caution. No I've never been invited to his house.. I just assumed that this was because it is far away. I really wouldnt like to trek an hour to his place when mine is just 5 mins from our building so it always made sense? As we finish work around 4/5 it's also rush hour and getting our of the city is no picnic. He also drives a motorbike so I couldn't exactly say let's go to yours together.

There is a work do coming up in a May..its a big event, it also entails a night stay and three course dinner etc so my plan is to ask him about that. And slowly introduce maybe we could do something on the weekend..he likes the same music as me so I will be trawling the internet to see if theres any concerts I can book.

@Bluntness100

We do go on dates. We go for drinks after work or sometimes for a meal. He introduced me to his friend who owns properties around the city and showed me his flat. Hes apparently helping renovate it so hence why weve gone there a few times..I'd say about 3 times..he mostly comes to mine but then again my place is just five minutes away from our work so it just made sense especially if we wanted to freshen up before going out etc

Have you asked him to stay the night?
Would save him a commute and usually this early on you’re keen to spend lots of time together.
PS he’s not a ‘young guy’ 🙄

@JKscot4
Well I meant younger than me lol. I did suggest it when he first came round as that day he left quite late (just after 6) thats when he said about his daughter sometimes came round to get help with homework. I have also seen him texting his daughter, shes 13..from what I quickly scanned I saw her txt him saying she needed help to fix her bike. Thats why I didn't think anything of it as still early days. Another txt came through from her which said what time will you back and that was apparently she needed help with her homework..that all seemed feasible to me as he didnt receive any calls from another woman's name....I know the name of his daughter and son

So, is his 13 yo daughter fending for herself after school until gone 7pm in the evening, when he decides to return home from his sordid affair?

But her feels so father like, that he must be home for her at the weekend?

Well, that sounds likely.

How long have you been hooking up? It doesn't sound like you go on dates, just meet up for sex at your place or at his mate's?
You've said yourself you're not exclusive so are you bothered if he's in a relationship with someone else?
If you are bothered then, as you're shagging the guy, I'm sure you can ask him what he does at weekends when he doesn't have the kids.

He isn't a young guy. He is an almost middle aged man who has children he won't introduce you to, who looks to be very probably still in a relationship with their mother.

Why the fuck are you even considering trying to find a concert to go with him at this work event?

Don't you care about the effect that your sordid affair could have on these other innocent people? He is probably even married (you don't need to wear a ring for it).

Have some self respect. You are his bit on the side.