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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this?

158 replies

Bellafish · 22/02/2020 18:01

I'm a 39 year old woman who has been single for 3 years now.. it's been very difficult for me I recently started a new job about 8 months ago and hit it off with a guy who I was sat next to. Hes 35 very chatty and flirty and we get on like a house on fire.theres something that's been really giggling me though. He has made out to me hes single but another girl who I recently got talking to told me hes not and was like well maybe hes having problems with her but I'm80%sure hes not
I did say to this him and he seemed very annoyed saying shes a liar and that when he started he was in a relationship with the mother of his two children but split up with her a year ago and says he doest tell anyone at work because "they're all nosy f**kers and use it against you"

This isnt all tho..he only sees me after work taking me out to lunch or to his mates flat because he lives far away from where our workplace is..sometimes we go to mine but he always rushes off.. he says it's because he lives far out which is true because this is common knowledge in his work. Our workplace is in the centre and he lives in a little outside village from the city. So I know hes not lying he also says he sometimes has his eldest come round after shes had her tea at her mums ?? I really really like him but in quite gutted because on Valentines day he didnt do anything except get me a card. I was hoping hed take me out and wed go out for a few drinks but nothing Sad I dont know if he knew I was upset as he again said it's hard for him on weekends because he has the kids iv only ever seen him on a friday night and that's it..I wouldn't say were exclusive but we are seeing each other and everything is so good he makes me laugh, incredible sex etc I just dont know why hes not being more serious or exclusive? He sometimes snaps at me not to tell people at work. The only reason the other woman and me discussed him as she mentioned how he looked good with his new haircut I kind of accidentally on purpose made a joke saying well I'm sure someones snapped him up and that's when she said hes withsomeone...married or engaged i think" her exact words. He has no wedding ring on his fingers before anyone asks..i am so confused yet so upset. He gives me a quick call in the evenings only on some days then txts me around 9-10pm and says hes going to sleep . I hardly hear from him on weekends and when indo it's very rushed txting no phone calls.

What does everyone think? How do I approach this without him snapping or being put off? Its early days so I cant exactly ask him if hes lying to me I think hed be very turned off?

OP posts:
Bellafish · 23/02/2020 11:19

@DBML
No not at all..apparently the mother lives in the same town so his daughter likes to pop in to see him after shes had her dinner at her mums.. she rides a bicycle. I have to say he definitely seems close to his daughter than to his son..his son is 3 as even before we started dating, he would be txting his daughter and sometimes let me.listen to WhatsApp voice messages she left for him. Found it quite sweet and does seem to be a great dad hence why his daughter txts him and pops round. That didnt seem suspicous to me at all? I know when my parents separated I liked to check in on my dad when I could. I actually felt sorry for him being on his own

OP posts:
userabcname · 23/02/2020 11:20

Oh my friend had a boyfriend who hardly saw her at weekends and only texted her once per evening. He then went AWOL for 2 weeks and she thought she'd been ghosted. Turned out he'd just married his long term partner and the 2 week silence was because he was on his honeymoon. My friend only found out when she found a mutual friend on social media who put up photos of the wedding. So, yeah, huge alarm bells for me.

Qwerty543 · 23/02/2020 11:20

The fact he hasn't heard from another woman whilst you've glanced over his shoulder means nothing fgs. My child is 12 and communicates directly with his dad without me getting involved.

You really are determined to ignore the blatant truth and all the advice here.

Topseyt · 23/02/2020 11:33

I'd be almost willing to bet that he lives with his family. All of the other stuff you mention is stuff he could easily make up.

My guess is that his daughter doesn't pop over to check on him. She lives in the same house, as does very possibly her mother. That is why you have never been taken there. There could be much more that he doesn't want you to know.

You are being taken for a mug.

Do some digging. Ask the colleague at work who alerted you to the possibility that he actually isn't single at all.

You are being very silly at the moment. Caution is definitely needed.

DBML · 23/02/2020 11:43

Op,

You posted here because you know something isn’t quite right.

You’ve given us all the evidence and 100% of responses suggest there is indeed something to be suspicious about.

What are you hoping to achieve from this? Especially if you aren’t going to pay any attention.

Ask him to sleep over one day this week. See what he says.

FinallyHere · 23/02/2020 12:00

2 months is still very early days for me to be pestering him to stay at his house?

One of the hallmarks of a good, life enhancing relationship is the absence of any pestering in how you treat each other.

The reason for seeing any new partner against their own background is that it gives you an insight into their character that you do not get in any other way.

This is not a good relationship for you OP. Do you really want to me known in the office as the girl he is sleeping with on the side? It will be much more difficult to get to know the rest of the team in this situation.

Find a better relationship.
You deserve much better.

user1471449295 · 23/02/2020 12:09

OP are you just going to ignore everyone’s advice, desperately find silly excuses to try and explain away the glaringly obvious, and continue shagging a man that has a partner l/wife and family?
If so, no one can help you and you deserve the fall out, both professionally and personally, that is heading your way.

NightsOfCabiria · 23/02/2020 12:16

Plan something over a weekend or Easter and watch him squirm out of it. Better still, follow him home (to his wife and kids).

Be careful with the mate’s shag pad, it could have hidden cameras.

Topseyt · 23/02/2020 12:35

OP, I have worked in a number of offices. It was always blatantly obvious who was the bit on the side for any of the other colleagues. Nobody thinks well of either side. They are scathing. This could well have serious repercussions for you professionally too so you need to get it right.

My 25 year old DD1 now also works in some very big offices and sees the same thing happening. These people become pariahs.

Bellafish · 23/02/2020 13:19

I've decided to bite the bullet after reading all of your responses on here and text him to say "hey how is the renovating going? just a thought why dont you stay at mine on Tuesday after we go to @nameofplacewedrinkat
Will make a nice change! Xx

OP posts:
Bellafish · 23/02/2020 13:22

Andddd hes replied pretty fast for a weekend!!....
Hes said "I'm working from home on Tues remember lol to take my bike in for MOT but why dont we go to ####### on friday night instead so I can wake up next to your sexy body . Just tiled the bathroom fookin nackard hows ur day been sexy? xxx"

OP posts:
Bellafish · 23/02/2020 13:24

Ok what now?! Again I dont want to come off desperate or needy..I've had issues with that in the past and it's something I'm trying to work on. I just dont want to sounds overly suspicous too as he would just paint me as some bunny boiler type like my ex did which really took ages to get over

OP posts:
Palavah · 23/02/2020 13:26

So he's suggested staying over at yours on Friday night? Why don't you suggest staying at his on Friday seeing as you won't have to travel back from the other side of the moon to get to work on Saturday?

Bluntness100 · 23/02/2020 13:28

That’s easy to deal with, respond and say I’d love to see the work you’re doing, I’ll head over to you tues evening after work.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 23/02/2020 13:35

I'd dump him for his spelling regardless of the fact he's a sleazy cheat.

FinallyHere · 23/02/2020 13:40

You text back

'Looking forward to seeing what a great job you have made of the tiling'

FinallyHere · 23/02/2020 13:41

Oops missed bluntness100.

It's better go for that one.

Topseyt · 23/02/2020 14:55

Use Bluntness's response.

If he still tries to wriggle out of you actually getting to his place then that will tell you all are you need to know.

Bellafish · 23/02/2020 15:09

The thing is he regularly does alot of DIY in his house and shows everyone pictures all the time.. he mentioned he was doing a downstairs toilet in his house and told a group of us at work hed take pics . He sent me a whatsapp picture already of the tiles he chose so I'd feel pretty stupid if I said I wanna see it in person! Wouldnt he be like why when I've just showed u a pic?!

OP posts:
CuriousCapricorn · 23/02/2020 15:14

You need to do something op or you’re going to drive yourself crazy!

Men in general tend to love showing off their DIY skills so what’s his problem?

notthisshitagain · 23/02/2020 15:14

Well say something along those lines then.

"You've being doing a lot of DIY recently. When I'm going to get to see the results of all your hard work?"

Doggybiccys · 23/02/2020 15:34

People might as well whistle at the moon. OP is seriously deluded and finding excuses for every reasonable point put to her. It’s sooooo obvious she’s being dicked around but just doesn’t want to see it. Very sad.

VenusTiger · 23/02/2020 15:35

Why is just after 6 considered "late" OP? Also, what did his DD mean in her text by "when will you be back ? Back where? Home?

Doggybiccys · 23/02/2020 15:36

Plus - what all the trying to catch him out stuff - when can I see your DIY, stay over Tuesday, let’s have dinner Wednesday. Fuck that. You’ve known him 2 months and are already second guessing. If you are new to Mumsnet, an hour on relationships will open your eyes. If you are a regular - well you’ve no excuse.

VenusTiger · 23/02/2020 15:38

@Bellafish so where is he suggesting you stay on friday night? Your place or his mates flat?

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