What do you make of this?

[Bellafish]

I'm a 39 year old woman who has been single for 3 years now.. it's been very difficult for me I recently started a new job about 8 months ago and hit it off with a guy who I was sat next to. Hes 35 very chatty and flirty and we get on like a house on fire.theres something that's been really giggling me though. He has made out to me hes single but another girl who I recently got talking to told me hes not and was like well maybe hes having problems with her but I'm80%sure hes not
I did say to this him and he seemed very annoyed saying shes a liar and that when he started he was in a relationship with the mother of his two children but split up with her a year ago and says he doest tell anyone at work because "they're all nosy f**kers and use it against you"

This isnt all tho..he only sees me after work taking me out to lunch or to his mates flat because he lives far away from where our workplace is..sometimes we go to mine but he always rushes off.. he says it's because he lives far out which is true because this is common knowledge in his work. Our workplace is in the centre and he lives in a little outside village from the city. So I know hes not lying he also says he sometimes has his eldest come round after shes had her tea at her mums ?? I really really like him but in quite gutted because on Valentines day he didnt do anything except get me a card. I was hoping hed take me out and wed go out for a few drinks but nothing I dont know if he knew I was upset as he again said it's hard for him on weekends because he has the kids iv only ever seen him on a friday night and that's it..I wouldn't say were exclusive but we are seeing each other and everything is so good he makes me laugh, incredible sex etc I just dont know why hes not being more serious or exclusive? He sometimes snaps at me not to tell people at work. The only reason the other woman and me discussed him as she mentioned how he looked good with his new haircut I kind of accidentally on purpose made a joke saying well I'm sure someones snapped him up and that's when she said hes withsomeone...married or engaged i think" her exact words. He has no wedding ring on his fingers before anyone asks..i am so confused yet so upset. He gives me a quick call in the evenings only on some days then txts me around 9-10pm and says hes going to sleep . I hardly hear from him on weekends and when indo it's very rushed txting no phone calls.

What does everyone think? How do I approach this without him snapping or being put off? Its early days so I cant exactly ask him if hes lying to me I think hed be very turned off?

Its really unlikely that he has the kids EVERY weekend - because thats not a usual contact pattern as it basically leaves mum doing all the drudgery and school runs and dad having all the free time - its not really seen as fair once they get to school as mum cant do any fun stuff with them, so not usual if they are of school age.
Thats why most divorces end up 1-2 nights in the week, plus every other weekend and half the holidays
so kids every weekend is a big red flag of suspicion to me

Lastly OP, it's half term this week??
Is he going to tell his partner he is helping his mate out with DIY on friday and will stay at his?

@VenusTiger all I saw was a text come through of her that read "what time will you be back?" Nothing more. It seemed ligit as even before seeing him hed mention that his daughter txts him to see if she can come round....I didnt have any reason to be suspicoua I'm honest until speaking to that women hence why I wrote the post on MN. As it made me think about why he isnt as flexible

Not trying to make excuses just trying to keep rational..I have decided I will ask him tomorrow in work about going to see his DIY in person. If he backtracks I will question it more. Then make a decision

@VenusTiger

It's not half term where he lives.. only in the inner city. Their half term was the week before. He mentioned he was taking them both in the evenings so I couldn't exactly say I'd like to come round

Christ on a bike woman stop being so gullible!!
Go for a drive to this far and distant land, well if you know his address and do a nosey 🙄🙄

Surely if you're sleeping together you can have each other on fb now?

I'd accept the Friday plans then say to him something like "can you add me on fb, I was like taking about you to my sis and she wanted to see a photo"

See what he says, you know he has fb so any excuse is extremely dodge

@Bellafish what about where you're staying on Friday?
Just be careful and try and find out a bit more.

Just tiled the bathroom fookin nackard hows ur day been sexy?

I'd dump him just for that. But yes, it's obvious he's living with someone else. Who the hell takes his girlfriend to his mate's flat?

Cringe. He’s clearly up to no good and it’s sad you’re so desperate to keep him that you won’t think sensibly about the situation.

It does look like you’re twisting your self in knots op to justify his behaviour

Ok, why not text and say something like “can’t wait to see the work, let’s christen every room, tues night ok, if not what suits you, you can give me the adult tour” 😜x

And see what he says,

The whole compliment you thing to throw you off asking you is so cringe as is him taking you to his mates flat to shag you.

Honestly op, you’re knocking on forty, what are you doing going to his mates flat and shagging him there, that’s like a teenager with no where to go. It’s so embarrassing really.

“If he isnt single that's through no fault of my own”

Oh come on!

1 Someone else has told you he’s not single

2 his reaction when you raised this

3 never takes you to his

4 only sees you at certain times, times I’m guessing that can easily be explained to his partner/spouse as his “working late” or “out with the lads” etc

5 doesn’t stay overnight at yours

6 rushes off at times

7 unavailable for Valentine’s Day

8 snaps not to tell anyone at work (who likely know he’s in a committed relationship with someone else and maybe even know her well enough to tell her?)

9 very little communication when you’re not with him in eves and weekends

10 you’ve only met one friend of his - likely a friend he knows won’t drop him in it

“I've behaved like any single woman would do.”
No you haven’t

You’ve behaved like a naive kid ignoring the GLARINGLY obvious!

He’s clearly in a committed relationship with someone else and possibly even married with dc.

Dump him and in future drop the faux naïf nonsense.

You’re 39 years of age surely you know better...or you simply don’t care about the possibly of contributing to the breakup of a family.

Get some far higher standards and leave him alone.

“Quite goadly (look at me, the OW with my blinkers firmly on).” Yes I did wonder myself but...assuming genuine as some women do wilfully ignore the bleeding obvious...

“what he says does tally up. And btw he has his kids every weekend(!sat-sun) that's why he cant meet weekends but hes been with me on a few friday nights” oh ffs that’s only what he’s told you! You have no proof it’s accurate at all. It’s incredibly rare for a nrp to have dc every weekend.

“On the days we finish earlier he comes over to my place but doesnt stay long” cos his wife thinks he’s at work and he needs to be home at his usual time

Showering as soon as he gets home - not unusual

“What time will you be back”
Is the wording that would be used by a child living with her dad...and mum!

DUMP HIM!

He’s using you and you’re letting him.

He is in a relationship with someone else .

Just tell him it would be nice to stay at his house as you've heard so much about it so it would be good to see it in person!

OP, it’s so obvious he’s in a relationship it’s painful.

Do you know where he lives? Do you have his address?

@Graphista
Thank you for breaking it all down I feel like a fool I honestly do. After 3 failed relationships before 36 my self confidence isnt the best..I have to admit I liked him the first day I met him which is rare. Friends have been telling me to get back in the game for years but never came close to looking guys..I tried online dating absolute disaster. It really put me off and it's a shame as we have so much common..because it was early days didnt think nothing of it just tried to stay positive hoping it would get more serious. Its only because of this woman and what she said that alarm bells started :( I've decided tomorrow I will have it out with him at lunch.. if he thinks I'm a psycho so be it..iv been cheated on badly in the past and would never condone it. He knows this too! That's what really gets to me hes been very nice and understanding..its just a shame that men do this..if hes not happy in his relationship why not just leave? I just dont get it. In bits at the moment

@AtrociousCircumstance

I know the town he lives in . I've seen his address once in the day planner. I didn't think to look it up at the time unfortunately.
Hes always been proud of the fact of living there as he hates the inner city. Actually come to think of it that's the excuses hes given me for not staying at mine..I live in a flat on a busy road and he shows off saying he cant hear a single thing in his house it's so quiet. Hes made comments like how noisy it is and how he hears police sirens and that would bug him. I even vaguely remember him saying I should look at properties outside the city as they're cheaper and much better countryside

Seriously in bits. Been sick and feel like crap..why do men do this? If he has someone else does it mean hes not happy with her? His family life? That's how I took it when I was cheated on in the past. I've been sobbing to a friend since this evening she has offered to come over and bring wine bless her. Thank you to all that have helped on here

**
8 snaps not to tell anyone at work (who likely know he’s in a committed relationship with someone else and maybe even know her well enough to tell her?)**
If that was the case I think theyd have told her by now. We literally spend lunches together, people see us going for drinks sometimes after work.

He might be single. If you are seeing someone at work, you do tend to want to keep quiet.

I can remember someone telling me that someone I was about to start seeing had a girlfriend and that she often picked him up after work. It was his sister.

Have you checked 192.com to see if he lives with anyone?

if hes not happy in his relationship why not just leave?

It's called having your cake and eating it.

He's probably perfectly happy.bwhy wouldn't he be? Wife and kids at home and sex when he wants with you.

Why? Because they can!

I've been cheated on too op my ex husband knocked up the ow it was a right bloody mess!

He's not necessarily "unhappy" at home, just a selfish twat who likes the ego stroking!

My ex when ow's pregnancy came to light (couple weeks after I'd thrown him out) literally sobbed on my shoulder (or rather tried to!) proclaiming "she was never meant to be serious it was only meant to be a bit of fun" !

I don't think they think beyond getting their leg over!

In future, check for a tan line on the ring finger (simply not wearing a ring is meaningless though), don't sleep with the guy straight away (weeds out the ones only interested in sex), and don't commit emotionally/believe he's single until you've been to his place, seen him at times not easily explained to a wife (eg weekends. Valentine's Day, Christmas), had actual phone conversations not just intermittent texting when he's supposedly at home and when a family would be about (early eve, tea/bath time) and he doesn't mind you calling whenever even if he doesn't answer, he's happy to introduce you to friends/be seen in public near home with you & affectionately (kisses, hugs, handholding)

Now these aren't guarantees but a man who acts in a way that your relationship is "on the down low" should be regarded with suspicion.

I'm not loads older than you but even in my 20's if a guy was like "let's just keep this between us" or wasn't available weekends/holidays I wasn't interested.

It's not just about his possibly not being single, a decent man will be proud to be with you and proud to be seen with you and for others to know you're together.

Set your bar higher.

Plus workplace relationships are always a bad idea, because even if "all" that happens is a bad breakup it makes working together so hard and can even make you vulnerable to losing your job.

Especially unfortunately for women as men still tend to be in the higher positions and be protected.

You've not even been there that long do you really want people at work more interested in your private life than your work achievements?

It's a mans world I'm afraid

You've only known him eight months and I presume didn't start this part time relationship with him until a while later. You really are far too invested for it to be healthy, op, though I know you can fall so deeply for someone that it takes over (that happened to me as a younger person and I only knew him six months; took me so long to get over, I was devastated).

Do try and find out more and ask a few questions. At the same time, be open to meeting someone else who is far more straightforward - that doesn't mean actively looking, just don't shut yourself off from possibilities.