I think H has or is about to put tracker on my car

[PressToChange]

I went in to Hs bedroom to put son's new Fitbit type watch on charge. Out of the cables I didn't know which but saw one had a label which said Trackisafe and a code.
I googled it. It's a mini tracking device. It needs two apps, the Trackisafe one and a V for Vodafone app.
We have Apple so I can see he has purchased both apps. I managed to get hold of his phone very briefly and he has downloaded and set up both apps. I couldn't get on there long enough to see maps.
I also found the box, opened it and the tracker isn't in the box.
I went out to the car while he was out saying I needed to get all the rubbish out if there. Lots of dc so easy to be true. I couldn't find anything.
It's half term and we are both at home.
From the date of app purchase a coupe of weeks ago, I'm guessing he either removed it before half term or will put it in after school starts again.
I cannot confront him as I don't have firm evidence. Plus I don't want him to know I can get on his phone.
Background is before Christmas in 2018 he hit me, I called police. He has a caution for assault. I now know I have been living in a controlling coercive marriage. (Not trying to down play. It's utterly shit. Just being factual to keep post as short as possible)
In Sept when I told him I was serious about divorce he cut me out of his bank account. Apparently we haven't needed a joint account I could just access his but no more.
At Christmas I told him I would endure it with him and then start divorce proceedings.
The Friday before I know he purchased the apps and most likely took delivery of the tracker I told him we have to draw this to a close. No one is happy etc. It is going to end up in divorce.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
I think he is a narcissist in the true clinical definition, I'm not just calling names.
I have a solicitor appointment booked for next week.
What do I do? What should I do? What is likely to happen to him because if I do find a tracker I won't touch it but will drive to the nearest police station. What if I never find a tracker I just strongly suspect it?
Please be kind. I know this is not right and needs to be over but because of the way he is have been doing baby steps trying to do things gently and safely rather than full on. I do not live in fear day to day but am concerned he could be volatile. He had had mental health issues too.

[ivykaty44]

He thinks you’re seeing someone else, men don’t leave unless there is someone else, so this makes sense to him

Just carry on as normal, being normal and not doing anything different.
I wouldn’t buy a burner phone, big sign of an affair, better to forget your phone

Stay safe and have a grab bag for a quick exit

[justasking111]

Just went down a few rabbit holes. Jesus sites telling you how to spy on your wife.

spyzee.com/5-ways-track-my-wifes-phone-without-her-knowing/

[Purplewithred]

From my own similar experience, just focus on getting separated as soon as possible. If he is tracking the car will he learn anything that will put you in danger? it’s very controlling and nasty but You know he’s a bastard already. If you find the tracker then tell the police so it’s on the record, but if you don’t find it don’t let it put you off your stride. as pp said, assume he’s inside your emails/pc/phone etc too. Check your phone settings and a competent phone place may be able to find hidden tracking software.

[NemophilistRebel]

I also left with just the bare minimum too

5 years on I don’t regret it

I had to get out

[AcrossthePond55]

Where I live the county sheriff (US) will meet you in a public location and scan your car for devices. That way you don't 'show up' as having been to the police station. Call your local police and explain what you found. Maybe they can do the same for you.

I agree with keeping to your usual routine and finding alternate transportation to 'important' meetings, including viewing rentals and solicitors offices. If nothing else, find an 'innocent' car park near by (like a mall or store) and walk the last few blocks.

[SalmonOfKnowledge]

Ps OP you're not in court to prove he is a controlling bastard treating you badly right now.

The real game that you need to play is gaining your freedom, staying safe and starting again. That is the game, play THAT game.

Do not invest too much energy in to PROVING that he put a tracker on your car. If you prove it and you go to the police and they talk to him then it will RAMP UP HIS ANGER and you won't be safe!

[bornonasunday]

Don’t know much, if anything about trackers, but would he have 2 - one to be in use, and one charging (for a quick change over when charge runs out??)
Sending strength op, must be so scary & horrible for you xxx

[Tistheseason17]

I just wanted to say stay safe, I can't imagine how awful this is for you

[AcrossthePond55]

One thing to remember, if you find the tracker you may actually be safer to leave it in place. If you remove it before you leave he will realize you're 'on to him' and things may escalate.

Also be aware that if you share a computer (or he's had access to yours) he may have installed a key logger.

See a solicitor and make a plan to exit as soon as you possibly can. Remember that a house is nothing but 'bricks and sticks' and possessions are just 'stuff'. You can find another house and you can get more 'stuff'. The priority is your (and your DC's) safety.

[theemmadilemma]

Wow. I would agree about not taking it to a garage, get someone to come out to you at work where you would normally be. Find out where it is first.

[Bluewater1]

Please stay safe. Contact Women's Aid and plan your exit

[SalmonOfKnowledge]

Log out of mumsnet and then change your password so that this thread doesn't show up as having been started by you OP

[yogo]

If you find it, please don't confront him.

[QueenOfOversharing]

Just jumping in to send strength - I had to flee my ex twice & went through horrific abuse the times I tried to talk to him about ending things. I would suggest speaking to your police domestic violence unit - mine had my address flagged up as high priority - so any 999 calls from me meant rapid response & they knew what to expect. Once I got moved, I had a panic alarm installed.

Get a grab bag stashed somewhere (at work?). Get passports, birth certificates, bank letters, anything you'd need.

Stay safe.

[PressToChange]

Thanks to all for advice and links.
I am very clear that I need out but I am doing this softly softly as I do have children and do not need this situation to get explosive.
He is manipulative so I do need some sort of irrefutable proof for future divorce childcare arrangements. As I mentioned before when social services were briefly involved she told me to have a grab bag ready and a friend ready to take us. After speaking to him I was told to get my bloods checked because I might be if a certain age. This is after him getting a caution for assault. He is a very convincing manipulative narcissist.
The gaslighting that has gone in is unbelievable.
I need to get out safely. I am not in fear day to day. I can have general disagreements like putting the bins out normally. It's the control and possessive nature. As others have said, we are his.
When I divorce him it might be the first time someone has actually said no to him and he's not been able to change their minds or do anything about it.
I'm not fixed on going to the police particularly if I have a tracker found on the car, but need that formal indisputable evidence to prove his character.

[DICarter1]

I hope you manage to leave safely OP. If it were me I’d start collecting up bits and moving them to the house of a person you trust. Birth certs, passports, sentimental items that he wouldn’t notice had gone.

[quicktan]

What do you mean by getting your bloods done because you're a certain age?

[ivykaty44]

Hormones through menopause

[literalsunshine]

I have a tracker for my car incase it ever gets stolen and mines plugged inside, hard to describe but it's like under my steering wheel and is plugged in all the time. It's black and about 2-3cm long.

[partofthepeanutgallery]

Look after yourself, OP. Glad you're treading carefully while planning a safe out.

[PressToChange]

@quicktan he's suggesting I'm a menopausal woman overreacting and that he didn't ouch me it was just a slap. Oh dear. What a mess. His words not mine.

[NotStayingIn]

You’ve said twice now about him saying you need to get your bloods checked as you’re of a certain age. Like he said something really significant.

Does he think you have Aids/ some other illness or are pregnant? Or does he mean menopause like a pp suggested? Is so, who cares?!?

It’s really hard but don’t fall into this trap of believing that everything he says is significant or that other people will think it is. I’m guessing people who heard him say that will likely think he is a twat. Stop giving everything he sprouts headspace. (Easier said then done! X)

[quicktan]

God he sounds horrible.

Please take very great care and start saving your documents elsewhere.

[SlightlyJaded]

OP it is good that you understand the nature of the man you are leaving. It's hard for people to understand how inflammatory going to the police at this stage might be. I understand.

I think @AcrossthePond55 suggestion of seeing if someone will meet you in a supermarket carpark to scan your car is a good one. And at this point, I would 'assume' fully spyware/keylogging etc and slowly and carefully try to find out what he has implemented.

But your priority, is obviously, to leave soon and safely. Good luck.

[ivykaty44]

If this comes out, he will charmingly say it was a tracker purchased to track the car if stolen and that’s why it was charging in the house and not hidden

It’s all a bit of a red herring

Just be careful, make sure you stay safe and ignore the tracker, he’ll just lie about it

Move on, far away