I think H has or is about to put tracker on my car

[PressToChange]

I went in to Hs bedroom to put son's new Fitbit type watch on charge. Out of the cables I didn't know which but saw one had a label which said Trackisafe and a code.
I googled it. It's a mini tracking device. It needs two apps, the Trackisafe one and a V for Vodafone app.
We have Apple so I can see he has purchased both apps. I managed to get hold of his phone very briefly and he has downloaded and set up both apps. I couldn't get on there long enough to see maps.
I also found the box, opened it and the tracker isn't in the box.
I went out to the car while he was out saying I needed to get all the rubbish out if there. Lots of dc so easy to be true. I couldn't find anything.
It's half term and we are both at home.
From the date of app purchase a coupe of weeks ago, I'm guessing he either removed it before half term or will put it in after school starts again.
I cannot confront him as I don't have firm evidence. Plus I don't want him to know I can get on his phone.
Background is before Christmas in 2018 he hit me, I called police. He has a caution for assault. I now know I have been living in a controlling coercive marriage. (Not trying to down play. It's utterly shit. Just being factual to keep post as short as possible)
In Sept when I told him I was serious about divorce he cut me out of his bank account. Apparently we haven't needed a joint account I could just access his but no more.
At Christmas I told him I would endure it with him and then start divorce proceedings.
The Friday before I know he purchased the apps and most likely took delivery of the tracker I told him we have to draw this to a close. No one is happy etc. It is going to end up in divorce.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
I think he is a narcissist in the true clinical definition, I'm not just calling names.
I have a solicitor appointment booked for next week.
What do I do? What should I do? What is likely to happen to him because if I do find a tracker I won't touch it but will drive to the nearest police station. What if I never find a tracker I just strongly suspect it?
Please be kind. I know this is not right and needs to be over but because of the way he is have been doing baby steps trying to do things gently and safely rather than full on. I do not live in fear day to day but am concerned he could be volatile. He had had mental health issues too.

If you are looking for it tomorrow can I suggest you use the torch and video on your phone to get a good look under the rims rather than scrambling about on the wet ground. Also good for checking way back under seats etc.

Can you download the instructions online? They might give advise on installing.

I have no advice but I can’t express how gobsmacked I am that someone would do this to their partner. Wtf?

Much love and strength x

I appreciate that you want to gain evidence, but you have it already (the photographs, his assault on you) You need to contact the police and WA. I would even visit the GP and log it with them also. Tell as many professionals and friends (trusted friends) as possible.

Even living in the same house separately is not good for your children. He is abusive and what he is doing is illegal.

WA will be able to suggest a solicitor that specialises in DA.

What do you need to move you and the children out?

Or were you planning to stay living with him over the many many months it takes to divorce a controlling bully?

I know this is random but you don’t happen to have AA insurance do you? As they have this car genie thing thing that goes in the diagnostic of a car and it literally tracks your car too (as well as showing faults Just something to beware of.

DId he have access to your phone? You don’t think there is any apps hiding as something else?

You need to leave as soon as possible xx

I know you are talking about the softly softly route but I am posting to say this rings serious alarm bells with me. This was my father, there weren't devices in those days but he would drive around to check where she was a lot when their marriage was coming to an end. One night he woke up and decided if he couldn't have her, no one could and he tried to murder her. He almost succeeded. There is this switch in these men and when it flips, it flips. Please be very careful. A lot of what you are saying is very familiar to me.

@Purpleartichoke It's not about having a special way to detect a tracker. Mechanics have car lifts to get a clear view of the underneath of vehicles!

@TorkTorkBam Utterly incorrect. If OP ends up obtaining a Non-Molestation order against him, it will also apply to the kids as well; in that he won't be able to come near them without a court order. Then during custody hearing, the fact that a Non-Mol has been needed, will absolutely have an effect of the judge's decision.

He will be highly unlikely to get unsupervised access to them, especially if he's convicted of any kind of domestic abuse charge (which he already has, don't forget).

Ultimately, either way, as he's already been convicted of assault, the court will order a CAFCASS report anyway. CAFCASS will see his history of violence/coercive behaviour (and likely a stalking conviction too - if he is tracking OP) and will almost certainly recommend to the court that he has no or very little unsupervised contact.

This is so creepy. What will he do once he discovers you know about the tracker?

I agree with pp to talk to the police and to not go there by car but make an excuse such as nearby shopping. Be very very careful OP, this man sounds not only dangerous by impulse but very calculating keep that in mind always.

The tracksafe website suggests ‘under dash installation’ make sure you also check there , tho it could be anywhere .

You’ve probably already thought of this, but if you find it do plan what you’ll do before removing it.

As soon as you’ve removed it he will just say you found it in the box and it was never in your car. Good luck in getting out of this situation soon.

I strongly urge you to contact the police using the crime number of the previous assault as your reference. Make sure you flag up the recent discoveries. This is for your safety & for your children’s safety.

Do not rely upon ringing 999 to manage a complete & potentially volatile situation, you will benefit from having the case notes up to date. Of course, when you are in danger ring 999.

The Domestic Abuse team at your police service can offer you sound advice & you can arrange to email over images to update your crime report.

Tell your solicitor everything - even the little stuff - as this shows the pattern of unreasonable behaviour & domestic abuse.

Get your documentation in order - marriage & birth certificates. You’ll need those for the solicitor etc.

As he is on high alert, be very discreet as you make copies of financial documents - bank statements, benefit awards, pension details, pay slips, mortgage details etc. You may need this for legal aid & the financial settlement stage of the divorce. Photo the documents, make sure the reference numbers are clear & then store the photos somewhere he does not know - new email account, cloud etc.

Be careful. As others have pointed out, abuse often escalates sharply when people go to leave & break the bond.

I think you’re focussing on the wrong thing and are using the tracker as a distraction.

Does it really matter if he has a tracker if you plan on getting out of the marriage? Actually, if he has installed a tracker in your car I would be inclined to use it to my advantage by not using the car to do the things that I wanted to keep private, therefore the tracker would be giving him a false sense of security.

You do not need any more proof that this man is a twat. Focus on leaving as soon as possible because getting your Agatha Christie on is a waste of your energy.

OP, whilst I completely understand your desire to take the softly softly approach for your DC's sake, your H sounds dangerous. 4 months ago I was in a coercive controlling relationship. I was fully aware, and thought that I was managing it whilst I secretly planned to leave.
I wasn't aware, but he was tracking me via my mobile, and a visit to a 'banned' friends address caught me out. He flipped and threatened to blow my head off with his shotgun. He unravelled so fast, and in that last 24 hours I had never been so scared of him.
But I still didn't leave! I froze. But I did tell my friend, and she reported him. Armed police took him away and the police, DA team, IDVA and SS took it very seriously. More seriously than me in fact. I was still minimizing and trying to defend him, because that's how I had been conditioned. They all saw through his charming facade as it is well know that this is what abusive men are like.
I have done lots of research into domestic abuse since leaving and have learned a great deal. You are most at danger when you are trying to leave/ have just left. As PPs have said, theres something in these men that just goes when they think that 'their property' has dared to 'disrespect' them and leave.
Make contact with womens aid or the police. Ask to be assigned an IDVA who can make a safe exit plan for you. She can offer practical advice as well as signpost you for other help such as housing, benefits assistance, legal counsel, etc.
Looking back now that I am well out of there, if my friend had not reported him, I would never have actually left. I was kidding myself. He would have carried on intimidating and manipulating me. I would have kept telling myself that I was managing it, that the kids were better off where they were for now, etc.
Having my hand forced was the biggest blessing in disguise.

Please try to stay safe OP. He feels like he is losing his control over you and this makes him dangerous and unpredictable.

Yikes op, this gave me chills. I think you should get out asap. Stay safe!

Boot? Glovebox?

Hang on, he hit you so hard that you thought that he had broken your jaw, police were called & he was cautioned for assault?

But he managed to convince SS that he didn't hit you very hard & you might be overreacting due to menopause?

Or is that SS telling you how he explained it to them-not that they believe his version?

Hope that you get out safely & VERY soon!

TorkTork the OP means the post-divorce contact with the children most likely.

Thank you for all your advice and help. I would like to say I know this situation isn't good at all. It isn't as simple as just leaving though.

As others have said it is a potentially dangerous time. Although day to day is "fine" no threats or acts of violence it is a controlling coercive relationship.
He is a manipulative narcissist who truly believes throughout this that he's a nice guy. He is extremely charming to anyone he meets. If it was my word against his, id guess a lot of people would believe him the charming, articulate, funny business professional over me.
Why? Because I'm at that sensitive peri/menopausal age where I'm just over sensitive. I mean look what happened last time. He just gave me a little slap and got a caution for it. Poor lamb. He's always walking on eggshells around me.

It didn't happen overnight getting to this point, it's like waking from a fog and realising that everything in the past was for his benefit. Everything. Every decision, purchase and all of it had a very plausible reason at the time. But then you look back and realise he is the main role in this household, we are the supporting acts.
I would describe myself as strong and intelligent yet here I am.

People have said they would have left after being hit. After being hit my focus was on the family, trying to protect the family unit. I genuinely thought being arrested would be a wake up call for him. That he would in a few days say he was sorry and that it was the best thing that had happened to him because he's realised how badly his behaviour had gotten. He could get treatment, change, recover. How wrong I was.

Hindsight is wonderful because if I had my time again, when he hit me, it would have been the moment we split.
As I said above, the period after when I thought he would improve, beg for forgiveness etc., and then didn't was a complete revelation that this relationship is one sided, one way and always has been.

People have asked what I'm worried about re the children after a divorce. He can't be trusted with them. He can't deal with the pressure of them. He believes children should be chastised. And it all goes back to the same manipulative description earlier. He is entirely plausible and would be in court.

Even now I'm sure there will be some people reading this and thinking I'm unhinged because controlling and coercive relationships are difficult to understand.

He bought an all singing and dancing practically new car which we didn't need and can't afford. I couldn't stop him. People in normal relationships will be saying what do you mean you couldn't stop him? Because in this relationship, in his mind he can make these unilateral decisions. Before I would believe his bullshit reasons about why it was necessary to have this car (because there's always a plausible reason) but now the fog is lifting I can see he is a grandiose narcissist.

So I'm not focussed on the tracker in itself. It is an act that can be independently documented without grey areas. It's not my opinion that it's wrong, it is actually wrong, it's most likely illegal.

I don't want to be a story in a newspaper. I want to be able to get some form of protection in place or evidence for it before something violent happens.

Even if I take the children and run it's short term, there will still be a divorce to proceed with, our finances are very complicated, child arrangements, so we will still need to interact.

I'll be trying womens aid again this morning. I will pop to the shops and go to the police station too but most likely not today as the children are around.

Thank you for your support.

Good luck. It seems like now you've seen him for what he is you will find a way to get out safely.

@labyrinth you've described my worry entirely. I have told him very plainly that it is ending and we need to divorce. That it will happen so on that level nothing is hidden.
He is losing control and has shown this by resorting to tracking.
It's is that charming facade I need them to see through.

"It's is that charming facade I need them to see through."

He's got a caution for assaulting you.

There's no (or shouldn't be any) explaining that away.

You don't need anyone to see through it. Honestly you don't. Couples get divorced for boring reasons all the time. People who like you will still like you. People who believe lies he tells weren't really your friends. People who see through it, more exist than you think I bet, will be good friends to you.

Trying to get other people to see the real him is a big waste of mental energy. Getting them to care enough about it to behave differently towards him is an even bigger waste. You've fallen out of love blah blah. Get on with moving out.

@PressToChange if he’s using trackers, he’s almost certainly using keyloggers. They are much easier to use and come across than physical trackers and it could very well mean he can see everything you are typing on your laptop & phone even if he doesn’t know the code, although he will, if he’s got a keylogger. He’ll know every password and key combination.

The time for making this as calm as possible has passed. You could very easily make yourself a story in the newspaper by staying as he unravels and looses control. There is no more dangerous time for you.

I second Labyrinths advice to contact the police & women’s aid today and get an IDVA who can build you a fast, safe exit plan. And ideally, do it from someone else’s phone, just incase.

Firstly, are you sure he’s tracking you and not using a device in his own car in case it gets stolen?

If you think it’s on your car, is it upholstered (rather than leather)? Look for any lumps or bumps in case it's been inserted behind the fabric. I'd check wheel wells, underneath the car (though be aware it could be dirty and hard to spot), the boot space in and under the spare wheel, under seats, under the dash.

If all else fails, maybe purchase an electronic sweeper that can detect the signals given out by trackers. Look at a site like Wish where you can get something inexpensive.