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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think H has or is about to put tracker on my car

328 replies

PressToChange · 20/02/2020 21:12

I went in to Hs bedroom to put son's new Fitbit type watch on charge. Out of the cables I didn't know which but saw one had a label which said Trackisafe and a code.
I googled it. It's a mini tracking device. It needs two apps, the Trackisafe one and a V for Vodafone app.
We have Apple so I can see he has purchased both apps. I managed to get hold of his phone very briefly and he has downloaded and set up both apps. I couldn't get on there long enough to see maps.
I also found the box, opened it and the tracker isn't in the box.
I went out to the car while he was out saying I needed to get all the rubbish out if there. Lots of dc so easy to be true. I couldn't find anything.
It's half term and we are both at home.
From the date of app purchase a coupe of weeks ago, I'm guessing he either removed it before half term or will put it in after school starts again.
I cannot confront him as I don't have firm evidence. Plus I don't want him to know I can get on his phone.
Background is before Christmas in 2018 he hit me, I called police. He has a caution for assault. I now know I have been living in a controlling coercive marriage. (Not trying to down play. It's utterly shit. Just being factual to keep post as short as possible)
In Sept when I told him I was serious about divorce he cut me out of his bank account. Apparently we haven't needed a joint account I could just access his but no more.
At Christmas I told him I would endure it with him and then start divorce proceedings.
The Friday before I know he purchased the apps and most likely took delivery of the tracker I told him we have to draw this to a close. No one is happy etc. It is going to end up in divorce.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
I think he is a narcissist in the true clinical definition, I'm not just calling names.
I have a solicitor appointment booked for next week.
What do I do? What should I do? What is likely to happen to him because if I do find a tracker I won't touch it but will drive to the nearest police station. What if I never find a tracker I just strongly suspect it?
Please be kind. I know this is not right and needs to be over but because of the way he is have been doing baby steps trying to do things gently and safely rather than full on. I do not live in fear day to day but am concerned he could be volatile. He had had mental health issues too.

OP posts:
Coughsyrupsucks · 20/02/2020 22:09

Just been looking up the tracks safe instructions, this maybe useful for you:

‘ The GPS signal is blocked, however,
when the tracker is located inside a building or under a concrete roof. The signal may be blocked or diverted even if the tracker is placed near a window. In such cases the device will use an alternative method to calculate its position’

Take your car to an underground or a concrete car park he won’t be able to ‘see’ you and then search your car.

Put 2 factor authentication on all your accounts, Apple, email, everything you can. That way you’ll also be notified if he tries to log into any of your accounts. Here’s how to do the Apple one support.apple.com/en-gb/HT204915

Have you got a hidden bank account for emergencies? Something like Monzo or Starling would be good, no paperwork and you get the card in a couple of days.

I’d also think about getting a second throw away phone and hiding it in case you ever need it. He’s a massive arse, good luck leaving him, everything crossed for you.

ivykaty44 · 20/02/2020 22:14

I would still advise to keep to your normal routine.

If you are working the day you see the solicitor then I’d park up and go to the appointment a different way, return and then later use the car to come home

Apart from that just keep doing what you normally do

PressToChange · 20/02/2020 22:16

@Coughsyrupsucks thank you. I can have a proper look on Monday at work. It'll be parked where it normally is. MOT time is coming round too so that may be a good opportunity too if I don't say it's booked in.
I don't have a secret account but I will look into it. And a phone too. Good idea.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/02/2020 22:16

I think it's a bit overwrought to think you need to hide in a concrete garage to search your car - the tracker can't tell him what you're doing - all it does is give a GPS position.

Eddielzzard · 20/02/2020 22:17

Lots of good advice on here. You can't be too careful. If you can tell trusted friends / family what's going on do that.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 20/02/2020 22:20

Agree with others, don't let on you know. Don't confront him.

Just plan. The inside of your own head is yours and yours only.

I was in your situation 13 years and I got away. It isn't easy, but it's worth it.

Coughsyrupsucks · 20/02/2020 22:20

@category12 it’s more that he wouldn’t know where she was, so she’d have plenty of time to have a good hunt. Not that it’s actually watching her. That’s what I mean.

macaroniandpizza · 20/02/2020 22:20

I really hope you stay safe op and get away from him soon Flowers

12345kbm · 20/02/2020 22:20

OP the reason you're being advised to contact the police is because you're gathering evidence in the event of a divorce. If it does incite him, then dial 999 and get a non molestation/occupation order and get him out of the house.

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline it's 24/7 and ask for advice on safety from them: 0808 2000 247

You can find advice on safety planning here.

Nomorepies · 20/02/2020 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

UYScuti · 20/02/2020 22:21

I agree you need to carefully plan your exit here, dont tip him off at all, assuming you find and remove any tracker he will then have to weigh up whether it has malfunctioned or been discovered.
Humour him, buy yourself time to think etc, sorry you're going through this, it's shocking:(

justasking111 · 20/02/2020 22:21

Park car at work and take an uber to the solicitors.

cauliflowersqueeze · 20/02/2020 22:22

These sorts of threads terrify me.
How can you live in that kind of fear?
Please get away.

theemmadilemma · 20/02/2020 22:23

What do you think his aim is for tracking you?

cauliflowersqueeze · 20/02/2020 22:24

It’s pure control. He sees her as a belonging that he wants to have control and power over. He’s a psychopath.

justasking111 · 20/02/2020 22:24

This happened in a village near us a husband did what yours is doing, it cost him.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4137304/Husband-tracked-wife-s-car-convicted-stalking.html

category12 · 20/02/2020 22:24

it’s more that he wouldn’t know where she was, so she’d have plenty of time to have a good hunt.

Coughsyrupsucks - But if the signal vanishes, that's more likely to get him agitated and likely to react than the signal being steady and where he expects it to be.

PressToChange · 20/02/2020 22:24

@theemmadilemma I think he's so arrogant that he thinks it isn't his vile treatment of me that would make me leave because, as he tells me, he's a really nice guy. I think he believes I must be seeing someone else.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 20/02/2020 22:25

an uber to the solicitors.

No not an Uber that uses an app

Cash taxi

Papiermachecat · 20/02/2020 22:25

Ring womens aid from work or friends.
Do you have any family? Tell them asap ( but only if they can be trusted and he hasn't manipulated them. It's no use if they go tattling back to him. It'll make it worse)
Other advice:
Find trustworthy f or f and drive to them - family or friends house then get them to drive you to solicitors or police. Or get taxi or bus to police from their house.
Or go to somewhere in usual routine and go to police or solicitors from there. By bus or taxi.
Do not take your phone on these occasions. V easy to track phone and you can do without it. We are conditioned that they're essential but they're not. Or.
Do you have access to cash? Buy a new phone with cash and top it up. Keep it very secret.
Do you have kids? It's all much more difficult with kids but I honestly wish you the very best of luck.
I left an similar situaion and you can too.
You need to be crafty. It's dangerous.
Sorry but above is what I did and it worked.

Also, go into your bank, in person and wait to speak to manager. Tell them all above and set up fraud resistant (that means him) new accounts. You will need to use new info he doesn't know. This is harder than you think as he will know your dob and mother's maiden name etc. Bank will help xx

UYScuti · 20/02/2020 22:25

he see's her as a possession which belongs to him, or a resource to which he has a right of access, the tracker is so that he can stay one step ahead and keep control of the situation, also it's a bit like putting a chip in a dog or a cat, it's to do with ownership.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 20/02/2020 22:26

From your description of him, he sounds like my x. My x was a ''vulnerable narcissist'' I discovered. So he didn't come across as grandiose or excessively confident. He came across to neighbours/colleagues and acquaintances as a quietly spoken introverted professional who had it all sewn up I'm sure. But if I wounded his ego then all hell was unleashed upon me. He has never forgiven me for not staying to take the abuse, so do not wait until you can get through to him, make him understand, phrase it in the right way so he gets it, etc, etc, that will not happen.

You will get to the point where you don't care at all though. I wasted 7 years and I'm over that waste of time now but glad I didn't waste longer.
I didn't go to womens aid and I should have. They could have helped me, but for some bizarre reason I thought that women's aid wasn't for people like me. It was only after I left and got clarity that I realised that it exists for the situation I was in.

My x attacked me the day I left so be very careful and please consider going to Women's Aid.

NotStayingIn · 20/02/2020 22:26

In the nicest possible way, I don’t see how this makes much difference: If I had absolute proof, like finding a tracker on my car then I would go straight to the police.

Even if the police start proceedings, surely you would still be in the same position you are in now? You need to get on with divorcing him and getting your life back. Yes it would be great to get the police onto him, but I’m not sure this is the most important thing right now.

Hope you can get shot of him soon.

Octopuscrazy · 20/02/2020 22:29

I don't know if the link has posted but look up stalkerware. It's software that can be installed on someone's phone and basically means that you can be watched any time.
There's an excellent BBC stalkerware clip to watch on YouTube. I've tried posting the link above.

Good luck op xx

SalmonOfKnowledge · 20/02/2020 22:30

@Papiermachecat is right. It takes planning but you can do it. I did it with two small kids. I left with virtually no possessions but that was OK.

Possessions can weigh you down and for a while I had been thinking I cannot leave because I'll have to leave all my things here! Clothes that would be unwearable they 'd be so dated by now! I'm so glad I walked away. I had one bag between the 3 of us.

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