I think H has or is about to put tracker on my car

[PressToChange]

I went in to Hs bedroom to put son's new Fitbit type watch on charge. Out of the cables I didn't know which but saw one had a label which said Trackisafe and a code.
I googled it. It's a mini tracking device. It needs two apps, the Trackisafe one and a V for Vodafone app.
We have Apple so I can see he has purchased both apps. I managed to get hold of his phone very briefly and he has downloaded and set up both apps. I couldn't get on there long enough to see maps.
I also found the box, opened it and the tracker isn't in the box.
I went out to the car while he was out saying I needed to get all the rubbish out if there. Lots of dc so easy to be true. I couldn't find anything.
It's half term and we are both at home.
From the date of app purchase a coupe of weeks ago, I'm guessing he either removed it before half term or will put it in after school starts again.
I cannot confront him as I don't have firm evidence. Plus I don't want him to know I can get on his phone.
Background is before Christmas in 2018 he hit me, I called police. He has a caution for assault. I now know I have been living in a controlling coercive marriage. (Not trying to down play. It's utterly shit. Just being factual to keep post as short as possible)
In Sept when I told him I was serious about divorce he cut me out of his bank account. Apparently we haven't needed a joint account I could just access his but no more.
At Christmas I told him I would endure it with him and then start divorce proceedings.
The Friday before I know he purchased the apps and most likely took delivery of the tracker I told him we have to draw this to a close. No one is happy etc. It is going to end up in divorce.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
I think he is a narcissist in the true clinical definition, I'm not just calling names.
I have a solicitor appointment booked for next week.
What do I do? What should I do? What is likely to happen to him because if I do find a tracker I won't touch it but will drive to the nearest police station. What if I never find a tracker I just strongly suspect it?
Please be kind. I know this is not right and needs to be over but because of the way he is have been doing baby steps trying to do things gently and safely rather than full on. I do not live in fear day to day but am concerned he could be volatile. He had had mental health issues too.

How are you OP.. did you get your Service/MOT booked and your car screened

@alonelonelyloner that sounds so brave. I'd hope to think professionals are now better trained to spot the signs and challenge but I'm thinking it's still a bit hit and miss.

I know the tracker is one that needs to be popped in the car and regularly charged. I bought a dash cam which has a parking mode which senses if the car has been bumped. But equally a door opening and closing will trigger it. Then it records for so many seconds. Although it won't record what's happening in the car it'll tip me off as to whether it's been opened when I'm not in it.

I still would like to find it on the car and have it documented but I'm trying to re-educate and reprogram myself at the moment. It's amazing how much clarity I feel I have in such a short space of time. Listening to the podcasts I'm constantly think omgoodness that's him exactly.

Today he sent me a text telling me that he had to do his annual choices for healthcare benefits etc for his work package. Asked me what's it to be, blah, blah, do I declare our separation and you and the children will be without x, y, z etc.?

I just said "your call". Clearly I didn't take the bait. So then he replied with more complete guff about things having to be declared for work and again more sound and fury.

Again I said your call. Children still live at a joint address and until there is a decree absolute we are still married.

I was so proud of myself because I can see it for what it is. Emotional and financial control. Worse than that it's stay with me because if you don't the children will lose their health care blackmail.

As one of the podcasts points out gaslighting when the words and actions don't match. I get told "I can't change the past but I can change the future" but beyond that barely speaks to me. There's certainly no grovelling apology, no fliers. In fact there's nothing but empty words. No trying.

Last night I had quite an empowering evening. I had bought tickets for a show for Hs birthday which isn't far away. Bought over 9 months ago. I realised I was under no obligation whatsoever to still give them to him. So I went with one of my dc and had a lovely evening.

I also did some online shopping and (with money I can little afford to spend) sent off for some colourful new clothes. I won't be a butterfly for sometime but I'm losing the caterpillar look!!

Creds to you OP

brilliant OP...I hope your new colourful clothes match your sunny soul 🌺

You are doing so well OP. New clothes, good for you.

You sound stronger and stronger. Good luck.

You are doing so well...stay strong

Thanks for your support and encouragement. The clothes arrived, I've had a try on session and I'm only sending two things back. They didn't do me any favours!!

I'm struggling with H at the moment. He is pressuring me to tell him what to do about his annual healthcare declaration. "If we are separated Press, I have to declare it to my employer" I have said we are separated will divorce many times but I feel like he's staging it for me to give him a statement therefore giving him justification to do this. It won't then be his fault for taking me and the children off. He won't be the bad guy.

But actually it is entirely his choice. I don't know how he can try to marry his (empty) words "if I can't change the past but I can change the future. Nothing is so broken that it can't be fixed" etc with oh but I'm considering taking you your children's private healthcare away.

In fact even if I don't say it again, that we are separating, he'll still try to wriggle our from it by saying it wasn't his choice to say anyway. It was his annual work declaration so he had no choice.

Plausible deniability I think someone called it up thread. Hey I'm just such a nice guy but work made me do it.

To me I don't know why he has suddenly got conscious about declaring events in his life to an employer. After all if he were so diligent in doing that I'm sure he would have mentioned his caution for assault? Yes, you're right, probably not.

I'm trying not to react. When I didn't reply to his lengthy text yesterday, he immediately followed up about swimming lesson question for the dc that night. A question which did have to be answered.

It's like he feels the need to draw me in to exchanges of texts or conversation. It's almost like a toddler saying YOU WILL TALK TO ME.

I aim to be as brief and businesslike as possible with him.

If he does take us off the healthcare it would seem quite a nasty move, not for me particularly but the certainly for the children.

Would anyone know the rules about maintenance. If we are separated and living under the same roof. I don't know whether I would be eligible?

So ... you are seeing more of the bastard he really is.

See your solicitor again if you need to.

Well done for getting this far.

Don’t let him batter your boundaries.

Sorry about the clothes doing you no favours! But finding your style, like exiting a relationship, can be a “process”. With process comes progress, and it’s all good.

@PressToChange with regards to the healthcare it depends on the employer and the provider. When I split with my ex., the healthcare people said he could stay on the policy if I wanted, even if he was living somewhere else. I wasn't feeling very generous towards him so took him off the policy. My kids are still on it til they are 25 but they share a home address with me even though they all live away at work/uni.

For what its worth, I think you're being amazingly calm and strong given everything you've been through and what you've started to realise about your H.

Forcing you to engage with him is just another way that he feels in control - you are right to keep things brief and efficient.

If he pushes the healthcare thing again, I would respond along the lines:

'Yes, we are separating so it's your choice as to what you inform your employer and what becomes of my my policy. The children however, will continue to be your children - so I am surprised that their eligibility is in question.'

Everything in writing. All of it, so that all his double-backing/gaslighting changing of events etc is documented. This way you keep your sanity when he starts doing wide-eyed denials.

Keep on keeping on OP. You're doing grand.

Why does he need to take the children off his health insurance, will they not be his any more when you separate?

@Twisique he says that they have to be living at the same address as him. I have maintained that they are his dependents and children until they are at least 18 living with him or not. Probably until they finished higher education so 21!
I also pointed out that we are actually living at the same address too currently.

He seems to think that our separation is enough.
Sounds like he's looking for excuses, deliberately misinterpreting so again he'll do something shitty but it won't stick to him.

He wants to stick the knife in as innocently as possible so he doesn't lose his nice gut image.
It makes me so mad. But does show his true colours.

It's a very large world wide corporations so I'd be surprised if it were true

He is a liar my DS is at uni. AXA make no such demands as long as they get my money they are happy.

@slightlyjaded that's a good response thank you. I will use it.

One of the other issues I have with the whole healthcare thing is because I think his trying to have his cake and eat it.

This won't be a quick split. He won't move out. Is still treating everything as though we are a family. Our finances are very complicated, there's equity in possessions but no accessible cash so things will need to be sold. We could be living separately in the same house for years at this rate. He hadn't told his friends and relatives we are separated.

For the next few years is he going to sit king of his castle, earning over £6000 a month after tax, not paying for healthcare while I have been a Sahm for nearly two decades and have now got a 25hrs a week job (which I am grateful to have) on less than £10 an hour. He's so unpredictable I need to be there for the children and it would be impossible for me to return to a full time roll.

I was looking at my career and 20 years ago I was earning £28000 a year, id probably be on double that now but have followed his career with multiple relocations caring for the family.

I can't change the past and I consider myself very lucky to have had that time with the children. I just didn't think that come to be told I'm living in his house paid for by his money etc.

If you file for divorce he will have to give you your share of the house his earnings surely?

You are unbelievable @PressToChange. I don't know how you cope with all that shit.

OP I've been following and you are doing so so so well.

Take as much professional advice as you can afford, knowledge is power. Free advice on forums and talk boards is brilliant but you do have to be careful as sometimes people's facts are incorrect, they mean well but may be misinformed or outdated.

He is testing you, pushing you, sounding out your resolve. Don't crack. Don't let him manipulate you using his children's access to health care- it's more than likely a lie anyway.

In reality you should end up with a generous settlement, but it must be horrible worrying about it. Please know that even if you end up struggling financially you will cope and it will be worth it, freedom really is so priceless.

We are all right behind you, one step at a time towards your goal.

Do you have any way of getting the policy details?
Hard copy at home?
You could call them and ask the question in general without giving personal details, "is an employee covered for dependant when separated and living at an alternative address?"
You could just be blasé about it. ' Oh it's a shame your policy doesn't cover the kids, feel free to take out a separate policy for them (seen as you earn £££)
Don't let him guilt trip you, he really doesn't need to action it at all actually. He's still bloody living there unfortunately.

@PressToChange Sorry if I've misunderstood your post above OP, but why is it "entirely his choice?" Why on earth would you stay with him when as you admit, you realise he's treating you so badly?

What does he have to do for it not to be entirely his choice?

Is it something like this?

www.amazon.co.uk/Vodafone-V-Multi-Partnership-Trackimo-Rucksack/dp/B07MV16RK4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

If so, it may not be in your car, as they weigh about the same as a toothbrush.

Could it be inside the lining of your handbag or coat?

If it is in the car it would have to be somewhere inside the car, are there pockets on the back of the front seats? Could it be blue tacked under the dash?

Non professional car trackers tend to plug into the OBD port - do you know where yours is?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=dKvNft0dLBU

@PressToChange

My DH gets private health insurance and has never been asked who he wants to cover in the family. It would be up to hiM to contact his healthcare to take me off so to speak.

Like PP have stated, as the DC are dependents then there would be no reason why he would be ask!

He’s obviously doing this to scare you. Ignore it and deflect.

Have you contacted WA and the police yet? You should consider it, as they can help you get an occupation order etc on your home. This would force him to leave it. You have ample evidence with the tracker and the coercive control.

#would be asked

I should have said

I only mean entirely his choice regarding the health insurance conversation. I don't want to say anymore more to him we are separated and going to divorce. I don't want to make any more statements to him about that I want home to take an action. One that he can own and not wriggle out of. If he takes me off then all his words about fixing the future are just false promises.

He treats us all like shit and I do not want to be with him however he will not leave the home. I have seen a solicitor and have given her my instructions.

The tracker is just that one and I've seen it in a shop so I know what I'm looking for. I wear a down filled long coat and have scrunched it so would feel it. Plus access to the car is easier. Definitely not in my hand bag as I've bought a new one. It doesn't have a lining and I check it daily.

I think the health ins for the children is a threat. Possibly one that he would carry out. It would just seem excessively cruel to take the children off.