Am I being taken for a fool!

[keeptakingthepills]

Agh am irritated and having to hold it in. But am also hormonal so probably irrational.
So two things this week have f**cked me off with my DP.
So DP lives with me and my kids. My home I pay the bills and mortgage, internet, tv etc. I also pay the food bills. He throws in some cash now and again for food. His kids (2DC) stay every other weekend and one night a week. I feed them and cook and tidy for them. So far happy to do so.
But he’s been short of money lately and I’m the higher earner so I said don’t worry I’ll pay the food shopping. Then he tells me he accidentally gave his ex extra money this month as maintenance and then told her don’t worry you keep it. Telling me she needs it as doesn’t earn much and struggles to make ends meet. I’m thinking..great! So I’m basically subbing your ex and paying for your kids to be fed etc while they’re with me. He keeps telling me to stop turning the thermostat down as the house is cold but jeez I’m watching the bills go thru the roof!
Second thing that annoyed me is I worked all day. Then picked his kids up from his ex on my way home and walked in. He’s having a beer. I start getting his kids dinner. He’s doing nothing. I then ask if someone could pass me some plates so I can dish up. Instead he puts them on the table. No big deal so I say sorry can you pass them to me instead so I can dish up. He makes this massive arm flourish action passing me the plates. I say sorry is this a problem for you? He says you said set the table like I was being demanding! In my head I’m thinking you I’m getting your children dinner (mine are at their dads) and you are doing nothing and I just ask for plates and you act like I’m some diva. So I said sorry if it’s too much trouble to which he mutters away under his breath something about me being tired etc.
I’m
Just venting but honestly this last couple of weeks I’m thinking actually what do you bloody bring to the relationship? Obvs you’re only getting my side. I realise I’m being a bit over the top.

How have I never heard the term "cocklodger" before? So useful!

I understand not wanting him to contribute directly to the mortgage payments, but he could (1) pay you rent (2) pay 50% (or more) of the bills. If he paid for, for example, the internet - which presumably both of you and all of the kids are using - that won't give him any claim on the house. He can give you the money and you pay the bills if that works better - but it should be a fixed amount, on a schedule.

It seems odd to me that a decent person (him) would be OK with this situation, knowing that you're not rolling in cash and are already scrimping on heat, electricity, etc. The stuff you say he does (apart from the sex) is what a good house guest would do - and go home at the end of the week.

Is something going on that makes you think the situation will change - for example, he's working part time and has gone back to school and will be earning a lot more soon? Even if so - he should be regularly contributing something, even if 50% isn't feasible.

Why has he no money most of the time? Given he's an adult not paying rent or bills?
He should be paying his share of the bills, especially council tax and utilities as he has increased those costs for you.

Your resentment will grow and the longer he stays the harder it will be to get rid.

When you're away with your kids at Easter, your heating will be on full whack, with fans running and he'll probably empty your freezer rather than spend his money on his food.

Yup time to kick him out.

My dp house was inherited so no morgage or rent to pay. He never asked me for any money when I moved in over twenty years ago. But I pay the house insurance, the electric and phone bills. I pay for most of the shopping. But right now he is the higher earner. He will sometimes pay these things if he sees the bill first. He does not expect me to repay him if he does. He takes on car bills and council tax and most of the house maintenance cost such as roofers and builders. Because we are a team.

Your dp is a cocklodger and knows exactly what he s doing. He's saving himself a fortune at your expense.

Bloody hell op, he likely can’t believe his luck. He’s really using you. You just need to tell him this isn’t working for you, and get him out.

Seriously he’s taking the piss. You need to put a stop to it.

@Snuginmybedsocks do you have children and why are you not married?

Do you really believe he’s short of money because he gave the ex extra?

If he’s that tight, I bet she doesn’t see it either.

@Snuginmybedsocks - I hope you are on the deeds and both have wills. If the relationship was to fail (yes I know you are a team and that would never happen) you would walk away with nothing and no where to live. There is no common law wife.

Basically you're supporting a grown man as if he's one of your kids, and you didn't actually agree he'd move in permanently.

Food and fun and future out of the mouths of your real children into him, the cuckoo.

I would not be tolerating that OP.

Does this man have a job? Why is he not rolling in money, with no bills or rent to pay? Why is he not taking you on holiday, as he seems to have no other outgoings? Like others, I’m really struggling to see how he enriches your life in any way, and I’m wondering how you can have any respect for a man who is happy to freeload off you and your children in this manner.

Thanks everyone
It does indeed make for sorry reading. I think I’ve been pretty blind. I’m a generous person and I think he knows that far too well.
Just to put the cherry on the cake...... I’m also upset as I have a habit of falling asleep on the sofa most evenings. I don’t sleep well, bloody menopause! And I work hard and of course run a house and I get tired. He teases me non-stop about it. I feel bad but I can’t help it. Anyway one night last week I woke at 2am on the sofa, all the lights on. He’d gone to bed. I got up and went to bed. In the morning I asked why hadn’t he woken me up or at least put a blanket on me. He said his new rule was if I fell asleep on the sofa then he’d leave me there. Again I fell asleep watching telly 2 nights ago to find him sitting there saying I’m useless and boring and there must be something wrong with me to be so tired all the time. I have had blood tests and it’s all normal. Think I’m just tired from a busy life. Then last night I made a real effort to stay awake and he told me as we sitting there that he’d gone off sex with me and just in case I was expecting any that night that he wasn’t in the mood. He doesn’t know why he just doesn’t want sex anymore. I wonder if he’s weirdly punishing me? This morning he acts as if everything is ok. Oh and he’s left his kids here and home to work on my only morning off work! But I’ve told him I can’t look after them, I’m going to the gym then work
Anyway I’ve got to fine the time to clear my head and work out how best to ask him to leave with minimal damage.

He just gets worse with everything you post about him. Of course you are tired, you are carrying a fully grown man, shake him off & your load will be lighter.

After his recent behaviour just end it, he's a complete user!!!

Good God. Op, why minimal damage, the guys treating you like shit. Get him gone, what are you doing?

He has just left his kids?! Wtf?!

‘This isnt working for me anymore. I actually never asked you to move in permanently. I would like you to move out by the end of the month. Good luck with all your future cocklodging endeavours.’

Tell him to leave this weekend. If you can’t say it to him text him. Start packing his things. Tell the mother that unfortunately her kids can’t come to your house this weekend as an emergency has arisen. Get someone to look after your kids and then deal with this lazy, ungrateful, unkind man.

Why worry about minimal damage ? He isn't worrying about being a minimal piss taker is he?
Stick his dc in a taxi right now!!

We are not married I have never wanted to be. No children. I am in the will. Not on the deeds. I am aware of my situation. I have always worked and have a savings account just for the possibility we split up. I never touch it because it's for my future. I would never leave myself vunerable. I have read to many stories on here leave myself in that position. I grew up in and out of womens refuges. If we split he does not get to take half my savings. I wouldn't want the house it's his. I have never paid him rent this as allowed me to save.

My point was this man shouldn't need to be asked. I was 19 when I moved in. I contributed, whats his excuse?

So now you're not even getting sex from him, what earthly use is he? And why are you bothered about upsetting or offending him when he clearly has no such consideration for you?

When he comes back today, you just tell him he's got until Sunday night to sort himself out with alternative accommodation and get out of your house. Don't give him the opportunity to argue about it, and if he asks for an explanation, just say "I don't want to be with you any more, so you need to move out now." Keep repeating that until he gets the picture.

And in future, don't introduce new partners to your kids so quickly or let them railroad you into moving in. You need to have an arrangement in place for any future boyfriend, when it gets to the stage of living together, to make sure they pay their way from the off. Don't just rely on their sense of decency to give you money at a fair rate - cocklodgers don't have any decency. I personally would be embarrassed to live off another person the way this leech is doing to you.

OP take a day off next week when he is at work, change the locks and get a few friends around to pack up his crap and drop it off at his place of employment. Job done.

You are being used for free lodging, food and childcare and he is now punishing you by calling you boring (for being exhausted picking up his slack) and useless.

he told me as we sitting there that he’d gone off sex with me

He senses that you are staring to wake up to exactly the kind of man he is and is now trying to plant seeds of doubt in your mind that something is wrong with you so you will work harder to please him. This guy knows exactly what he is doing, time for him to get out of your life.

Why are you worried about “minimal damage”?
He doesn’t respect or value you in any way. He is merely using you to finance his life style and care for his children.
Just pack his bags and show him the door, and get your self respect back.

Yes, I can’t get the minimal damage thing either, why you wish to stay involved with him if you can get him out.

He’s treating you with such disrespect. You need to end this, for good then do some work to understand why you’re so desperate to be with someone that you’d take this.

Get rid