Am I being taken for a fool!

[keeptakingthepills]

Agh am irritated and having to hold it in. But am also hormonal so probably irrational.
So two things this week have f**cked me off with my DP.
So DP lives with me and my kids. My home I pay the bills and mortgage, internet, tv etc. I also pay the food bills. He throws in some cash now and again for food. His kids (2DC) stay every other weekend and one night a week. I feed them and cook and tidy for them. So far happy to do so.
But he’s been short of money lately and I’m the higher earner so I said don’t worry I’ll pay the food shopping. Then he tells me he accidentally gave his ex extra money this month as maintenance and then told her don’t worry you keep it. Telling me she needs it as doesn’t earn much and struggles to make ends meet. I’m thinking..great! So I’m basically subbing your ex and paying for your kids to be fed etc while they’re with me. He keeps telling me to stop turning the thermostat down as the house is cold but jeez I’m watching the bills go thru the roof!
Second thing that annoyed me is I worked all day. Then picked his kids up from his ex on my way home and walked in. He’s having a beer. I start getting his kids dinner. He’s doing nothing. I then ask if someone could pass me some plates so I can dish up. Instead he puts them on the table. No big deal so I say sorry can you pass them to me instead so I can dish up. He makes this massive arm flourish action passing me the plates. I say sorry is this a problem for you? He says you said set the table like I was being demanding! In my head I’m thinking you I’m getting your children dinner (mine are at their dads) and you are doing nothing and I just ask for plates and you act like I’m some diva. So I said sorry if it’s too much trouble to which he mutters away under his breath something about me being tired etc.
I’m
Just venting but honestly this last couple of weeks I’m thinking actually what do you bloody bring to the relationship? Obvs you’re only getting my side. I realise I’m being a bit over the top.

For crying out loud end this relationship and stop being such an utter push over and mug.
He really must think he's hit the cocklodger jackpot at your house.
You are being taken for a ride and everything you challenge this even a little he is rude and arrogant.
Your own children are suffering. There is no spare cash for them.
For gods sake wake up.

If you were a friend of mine, I would be so angry. I wouldn't be able to be near this guy. Please, please, please read every single reply here & see that this is a HIM problem. You need to look after your DC and you. I can't bear to think of another woman being treated so appallingly.

Keep venting. Get it all out. See it all written down.

This is just completely wrong! Please don’t carry on subsidising this lazy shameless sponger. Your hard earned money is for you and your children.

Turn off the radiator in his son's room and give him a blanket not a duvet.

Yes, you are being taken for a fool

Are you desperate for a relationship. Any relationship ?

It is B for bin time, dont you think?

End it, he is a cocklodger.

How dare he expect you to take him and his DC on holiday when he contributes zero financially and doesn't look after his DC. Bet it was a lie about giving his ex too much...

Don't worry about offending a sponging prick. Tell him to get out now. A real man doesn't sponge off a woman by cocklodging at her place , living off her money and looking after his kids. If you chucked him out he'd immediately find some other desperate woman to live with.

I don’t know how to get him to go and maintain a relationship on a healthier more equal level without offending him. Plus my kids are now used to having him around.

WTAF?! Do you have no spine at all? He is an entitled, lazy, pisstaking manchild and shit excuse for a father. Your kids did just fine before he was there parking his arse drinking beer. He's living for free, with complimentary maid service, childcare and sex, has the cheek to state that YOU should pay for him and his kids to go on holiday and you are worried about offending him?!

Of course he hasn't bothered looking for another place to live, he's got it bloody made paying FA for his living and you doing all the lifework and keeping the bed warm at night.

Get a self-esteem. 'This was never meant to be a permanent live-in situation and it's time you found a place of your own to live by the end of the month.' That is all you need to say! WTF is all his money going? He's paying nothing to live at all.

What a loser!

OP I think you are just a convenience to him, I doubt he has any real feelings for you. Any woman with her own home, spare money and the willingness to look after his DC’s for him, would do. I bet his ex would have some interesting things to say about him.

God, tell him to move out this weekend.

Your house, your money, you are picking up his kids for contact, you’re feeding his kids, you’re cooking for his kids whilst he’s sitting around on his arse drinking beer getting street about setting the table and passing plates!

Of course he moved in quickly, he saw you coming.

Get rid, or be prepared to post again in a few years upset that you married him and now you want to divorce the lazy arse who has no job but he’s demanding half your house and assets.

He’s not even taking care or paying for his own children. Why do women settle for such shitty men?

If he does love you (and is not just taking advantage) I'm sure he will be okay to live by himself and maintain a relationship.

But why OP is your self-esteem so low, why do you need this human sponge?

OP your updates make him sound worse and worse each time. He’s fucking useless! Are you even attracted to him? I know I couldn’t be!
He needs to get out of your house and stop sponging off you. Your kids will get over it, I promise. And they will be happier because YOU will be happier.

So he does little jobs around the house but he teases me about “his list”
He does help with lifts for my kids if I can’t
He helps tidy and clean up
He is kind and calm with my children.
He does give me money when he can. Those are the positives as well as the sex I guess.
I don’t want him to pay rent officially in case he then makes a claim on my house if we split. Saying he contributed etc so I’m happy with cash. It’s more a recognition I’m asking for and some bloody generosity and gratitude from him. And actually I will take my kids away on my own and he can pay for his own children’s holiday. One positive in divorce is your kids get double the holidays. Hardly a compensation for a happy family unit but it helps.

keeptakingthepills please listen to what people are telling you and I’m going to add to the other posters telling you to throw him out-ASAP.
You are just trying to make it fit, but he is just laughing at you. Believe me I know, I had a partner who scammed me and I was too stupid to see it initially and am now left, in retirement, scrimping and scraping. It is not nice and very depressing. Please don’t fall into the same situation. You are worth more than a hundred of him.

A lodger would be less hassle and pay money. Honestly, your bar is so low a flea could limbo under it. That is depressing as hell. He gives you money 'when he can' and that's a positive?! That he deigns to give you money when you're giving him maid service, childcare and shag? Absolutely blows my mind that you're attracted enough to this total loser to have sex with him when he has to be given a list like a school kid and bitches about doing it.

Of course he's going nowhere, he feels entitled to live for free. What a clown! Where's his money going that he earns? Bullshit he gave her extra. He's not even man enough to look after his own bloody kids!

How sad that your kids see this is an example of a good relationship.

Bill him as a lodger for contributions towards gas, electric, council tax (you lost your single person discount), water, food. Have a legal agreement that it is a contribution towards shared costs and he has no claim on the property.

You need a regular monthly amount from him or the resentment will explode.

He can sign up or move out!

He must have loads more spare income now he is renting, what is he spending it on?

Re your update, he cannot make a claim on your house even if he is paying rent. He has no legal right to it unless you have a written tenancy agreement and he is an official lodger/ tenant. Live in partners have no rights to the property if you are paying the mortgage etc.

I know. I’m just getting angrier and angrier and thinking I left my husband for less than this shitty behaviour and we had kids together that mattered. I don’t have these ties with my DP. Maybe that’s why I’ve insisted he never officially paid?? I think I’ve had starry eyes glad to be loved again after an awful divorce. And the main reason I have allowed him to stay is the fear of another failed relationship for my children to deal with. Is that pathetic?

There's a saying "no one falls in live than a man needing a place to live".

He's just sort of moved himself in,contributes little financially and has you playing taxi driver,cook,cleaner etc to his children.

@keeptakingthepills Why was he "between places" was it for financial reasons?

Is this for real? I can't believe anyone would stand for this rubbish. Get rid OP..

YES you ARE being taken for a fool

He does give me money when he can.

Yeah, most people would love to have this kind of attitude as far as their rent was concerned. Can you imagine saying to any landlord/mortgage company - 'well I don't earn much, so I'll just give you cash now and then when I feel like it'?

Seriously - if he wasn't sponging off you he'd have to be forking out, what - minimum of about £500 a month for his rent? Much, much more in many parts of the country. Kick him out. He'll manage to find the money when he needs to. Or he'll sleep rough. But not your monkey. He's a piss-taker.

Look, tell him he needs to find his own place to live now, this arrangement isn't working for you. No need to end the relationship type of thing.

You'll get all the answers then.

Or suck it up.

I have allowed him to stay is the fear of another failed relationship for my children to deal with. Is that pathetic?

It's stupid! First of all, just stop even involving your kids in any other relationships of yours until you're much, much further along. He is using you with a capital U. You're showing them that a woman is expected to put up with a mooch. Just cut that out! Tell him he needs to find another place to live by the end of the month and then stop dating until you work on your self-esteem and do not bring these guys around your kids at all.