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Original poster

But why WOULD you get married? Its just a bit of paper, surely?

313 replies

fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 19:48

Why does a day out in a frou frou frock and a bit of paper mean so much to people?

For me what is important is the
relationship, which is what you work at day to day.

I know there are some legal/financial implications to not getting married, though some of these CAN be overcome, and others are overplayed. But anyway, I am not getting the impression that they are a big deal for most people.

Am curious here, no criticism meant...

OP posts:
Blandmum · 04/09/2007 20:56

you don't have to bancrupt yourself (and family) over wedding, we didn't

You don't have to expect another person to make you 'happy ever after' I don't.

But for me, having made a formal comittment has made it easier to cope with some of shit we have had to deal with over the years.

If it isn't your thing, and doesn't float your boat, fine, don't get married.

But my marriage (note, marriage not wedding day) matters to us.

startouchedtrinity · 04/09/2007 20:56

Interestingly I wouldn't have the wedding that I did, if I could choose now. But I would have the marriage.

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:57

dd wants to marry me!
I told ds about reproduction when he was four, and he said, 'that sounds fun! I can't wait to make some babies!'
I really do hope they both find happiness in a relationship with someone they love and who loves them back.

fortunecookie · 04/09/2007 20:57

dd wants to buy a silver mercedes "without a top" and drive me around in it. Can't wait!

ds wants to marry dh.

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:57

yes pw you are right

I have been DEPRESSED by the number of my uni friends who spent the years following graduation planning hude meringue-centred bun fights and talking about "how differently" they will feel once they are married

you don't get MEN talking like that

Rantmum · 04/09/2007 20:57

It is the relationship that is important, you are absolutely right! Nonetheless, some people - myself included, feel that marriage (in the traditional sense) is about the expansion of family ties(not the nuclear, but the extended family), a public commitment to partnership, as well as a private promise to one another.

Now the wedding? For me that was an excuse for a big party so that we could celebrate the things that the marriage is all about with the people that matter most to us - our families and friends. It was not a necessary element to the marriage, but it was a great knees-up.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2007 20:58

But madamez and MP, women marry a man. So how will you bring up your sons? To reject marriage as an institution entirely as well?

Why is it such a 'trap' for a woman OR a man to desire such a commitment?

What's so offensive about that?

Roseylea · 04/09/2007 20:58

Morningpaper, in the CofE (can't speak for other christian churches) the decision whether or not to officiate at a second-marriage ceremony rests with the local vicar.

So if a member of a congregation left his wife of 25 years, disappeared off to Australia and came back three moths later with a sun-kissed Aussie on his arm, said he wanted to divorce his wife and marry his new woman, the vicar wuold be well within rghts to say "NO, that's a traversty. Sort yourself out first, work through your mid-life crisis and don't even think about marriage until you've got your head togther". And rightly so, IMO.

HOwever if someone had been divorced for some time, then met someone else, most vicars would be fine to marry them. From the church's POV it's about knowing people and judgimg on their behalf whether they are ready emotionally etc to make that big commitment having been inevitably hurt to some extent first time round.

It's not a perfect "system" but it's people-orintated and I think it's quite kind.

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:59

In fact, the longer I'm married, the more I value marriage and the less I value weddings tbh.
I think the days when you'd put on a chic black suit and little hat and pitch up at the register office, followed by a spot of lunch, should be revived.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2007 20:59

But the men marry them, MP.

They consent to it, too.

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 21:00

of course men get married

they need something pretty to look after the children while they go to work

expatinscotland · 04/09/2007 21:00

Bravo, aloha! I couldn't agree more.

Small, intimate, a celebration afterwards.

aloha · 04/09/2007 21:00

I absolutely shudder at the sheer horrible wastefulness of so many weddings.

Blandmum · 04/09/2007 21:00

agree 100% aloha

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 21:00

read copy of "GROOM" magazine

madamez · 04/09/2007 21:01

My DS is not 3 yet so it's a bit early to be worrying whether he'll be heterosexual, homosexual, or a committed celibate. But that will be up to him and I hope I'll bring him up to be comfortable with making his own decisions.

EricL · 04/09/2007 21:01

Nice to see so many romantics on this forum.

You can get married without the religous pap associated with it. We got a minister that changed all the vows for us so we weren't promising anything to God, and it was light-heaterd and brief with no ceremony or hymns and shit. I had some nice ambient electronic music playing when she was coming down the aisle. We had some trees in pots for the 'altar'. It was lovely.

We got married in a lovely manor house with no church in sight and everyone stayed in the rooms upstairs for a big all-night party.

It was the best weekend of my life and the memories will stay with us forever.

The actual marriage ceremony is whatever you want to make of it. You will find that most people will be happy to oblige your wishes, and the expected negative comments from the older members of the family never came - they saw that we were happy and doing it the way we felt comfortable with and were happy for us.

Cammelia · 04/09/2007 21:01

Completely lolling about the idea that being married is somehow an unintelligent thing to be

Must worry about dd whose favourite film is Gigi while at the same time being top of her class at school

startouchedtrinity · 04/09/2007 21:01

I agree with expat. Marriage is something that matters to men, too. I have two bils and neither have married b/c they see it as a waste of time, but one at least has several dcs he never sees. Boys need to know that committment matters.

fortunecookie · 04/09/2007 21:02

Not a waste for us. One of the happiest days of my life - no one was more surprised about this than me! Childbirth, on the other hand, was totally overrated.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2007 21:02

'of course men get married

they need something pretty to look after the children while they go to work '

I find that a really sad stereotype to have about men who marry.

My husband stayed at home for two years with our children.

My sister goes to work as well as her husband - she's a respected journalist - and their kids have gone to nursery since they were 3, before that, they both still worked full-time from home and in offices.

magsi · 04/09/2007 21:02

Don't do dresses! and didn't on the day. Registry office, as small as I could possibly get away with. I was very pleased when it was all over. Loved the exchanging vows bit with dh, but hated all the traditions etc. I enjoy being married and feel at peace and settled. P.S, was 4 months pregnant with Ds1 at the time.......Ooops!

NotAnOtter · 04/09/2007 21:02

are you wed aloha?

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 21:03

Of course there are exceptions

But generally men get married because women want to and then the women FABULOUSLY stay around to raise the children while the men work

That's hardly a revelation is it?

policywonk · 04/09/2007 21:03

erm, I think MP was joking expat. I think that snorting sound I heard was me laughing.