Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

But why WOULD you get married? Its just a bit of paper, surely?

313 replies

fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 19:48

Why does a day out in a frou frou frock and a bit of paper mean so much to people?

For me what is important is the
relationship, which is what you work at day to day.

I know there are some legal/financial implications to not getting married, though some of these CAN be overcome, and others are overplayed. But anyway, I am not getting the impression that they are a big deal for most people.

Am curious here, no criticism meant...

OP posts:
bohemianbint · 04/09/2007 20:05

Hmmm...I wonder about this quite often. I kind of resent the fact that I should have to get married to afford the same rights but I am coming around to the idea that that's how it is. There'll be no frou frou frock for me though!

littlelapin · 04/09/2007 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Countingthegreyhairs · 04/09/2007 20:05

solemn promise made in front of those you love the most

bloody scary -

for richer for poorer
in sickness and in health (many Mmsnetters going through this right now)
until death us do part (and this - very sadly)

wasn't actually "there" mentally on my wedding day - too stressed - but when I said these words at the rehearsal I went hot and cold and an electric "charge" went up and down my spine ... never forgotten it ... never will

so much more than just a piece of paper

Original poster
fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 20:06

lol at mp in particular

I did get married, mainly because when ds was born the laws on fathers rights were much weaker. Also a bit because dp's pension (civil service, ffs) only paid out to spouses. So we had a £70 wedding ceremony, that was it.

I have been in several committed, long term, relationships in my adult life. This is the FIRST one where I actually had the option of getting married. SO I suppose that the benefits of marriage per se seem a but limited to me.

I do also think its bloody shocking that we have to get married to get these rights.

OP posts:
aloha · 04/09/2007 20:06

I like being a family. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with wanting to be connected legally & symbolically as well as emotionally to my husband, stepdaughter and children.
I'm not trying to force anyone else to get married. Though I feel very about people who bleat on and on about wanting civil partnerships because they don't want to get married.

Botbot · 04/09/2007 20:07

I'd quite like to be married but I really don't want to get married. I like going to other people's weddings but having our own seems like far too much fuss. I hate dressing up!

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:07

I didn't make any of those promises though

they are not compulsory

I did have to say "husband" and nearly ran screaming from the room

but then I remembered the inheritance tax and pension

kitsandbits · 04/09/2007 20:08

Counting the greyhairs, that made me shiver! Im getting married soon and am terrified!! lol

Original poster
fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 20:08

AND SO I do not see any fundemental difference between a marriage and a long term relationship.

In fact, if someone has stayed together for 30 years WITHOUT being married-so entangled financial affairs aside, they CAN walk out-that is slightly MORE impressive, surely.

OP posts:
Original poster
fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 20:09

and actually I would have felt more comfortable with a civil partnership

marriage does also have too many historical and also tory connortations for me.

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 04/09/2007 20:09

yes, I don't see the argument for civil partnerships either. Either get married or don't. They're only "civil partnerships" for gay people because the politicians were scared that if they called it marriage, there'd be an ugly backlash from the right-leaning public.

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:09

it is shocking fillyjonk

SUCH a shame that civil partnerships aren't available for heterosexuals

Tisn't about bleating Aloha, lots of people genuinely don't WANT to be married (my first marriage was horrible) but it seems crazy to deny them proper legal protection doesn't it?

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:10

If there is no difference, and only advantages, why not get married then?

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:10

No, I don't think it is remotely shocking. If you don't want to get married, don't. But don't then moan about it!

LittleBella · 04/09/2007 20:11

I never got married but I think if I was in a serious relationship ever again, then I would.

It's a public statement of intent as well as a legal contract. It is also an appeal to the wider society to support your relationship and family. No-one can pretend they don't know how serious your relationship is if you are married, it's a very strong signal (or should be) that demands support, not undermining, from the rest of the community.

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:11

yes exactly SP - there would be a backlash because people have HUGE amounts of cultural and historial meaning and symbolism attached to the words and symbol of marriage

cultural and historical meaning that is not always positive for all people

Countingthegreyhairs · 04/09/2007 20:12

oh no sorry kits and bits - meant to be scary in a GOOD way - don't worry you'll soon get used to the old socks on the kitchen table, bicycle wheels in the bath oh and the snoring ...

Cammelia · 04/09/2007 20:12

Civil partnership is exactly the same as being married, ie. they are both the same legal relationship. Why would the govt introduce civil partnerships for hetero couples when it already exists.

If you don't like the word marriage well that's simply being silly.

bohemianbint · 04/09/2007 20:12

I can't find Yorkiegirl's threads, what was the situation?

Botbot - I agree 100%, the thought of being centre of attention for the day gives me The Fear. I think I have scopophobia...

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:12

aloha do you say the same thing to homosexuals who 'bleat on' about not being allowed to marry and being unhappy that they have a 'poor second' option in civil partnerships?

Original poster
fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 20:13

THANK you mp

I find it SO bloody hard to admit to being someone's wife.

I can see the logical argument for the state having a record of partnerships that people think are likely to last.

I would much have prefered to pop down to the registary office of a workday lunchtime and sign a bit of paper. That seems much more civilised. But they wouldn't even let us just sit DOWN, fgs.

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 04/09/2007 20:13

but fillyjonk, marriage is a civil partnership if you don't get married in a church isn't it? It's a contract of commitment that also gives legal rights. I can understand why you wouldn't want to get married in a church, use the "honour and obey" wording, have a veil or be given away but marriage itself is not any of those things.

It's true that historically in Britain, marriage meant an unequal partnership with the male half getting most of the benefits of that, but that is not the definition of marriage. In some societiesmarriages have always been more or less equal, and in others women get most of the benefits.

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:13

It was the Church lobby that defeated gay marriage actually. I honestly think it is utterly feeble to get so upset about a very simple legal ceremony just because it is called a marriage. Indeed, ALL the gay people I know of talk about 'getting married' and their 'wedding'!

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:13

If you don't like the word marriage well that's simply being silly.

You are really lucky (perhaps) that marriage has positive connotations for you. It doesn't have positive connotations for everybody.

Original poster
fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 20:14

no civil partnership is NOT the same as marriage, actually

I don't think anyone is objecting to the WORD, camelia. I don't think anyone is saying "well, I don't want to get married because I cannot STAND words that end in "ied"."

I think its the deeply complex historical and social and political connortations that I am others are objecting to.

OP posts: