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Original poster

But why WOULD you get married? Its just a bit of paper, surely?

313 replies

fillyjonk · 04/09/2007 19:48

Why does a day out in a frou frou frock and a bit of paper mean so much to people?

For me what is important is the
relationship, which is what you work at day to day.

I know there are some legal/financial implications to not getting married, though some of these CAN be overcome, and others are overplayed. But anyway, I am not getting the impression that they are a big deal for most people.

Am curious here, no criticism meant...

OP posts:
aloha · 04/09/2007 20:34

I do realise that family pressure can make that tricky in reality, sometimes - ie if the parents ever found out they would be hurt. But I know people who eloped and their families were fine. Often people assume things about others' attitudes that are quite wrong.
And you know they'd be clamouring to wear a hat to your civil partnership anyway.

LittleBella · 04/09/2007 20:35

I think it changes people's relationships because they have made a public commitment and have a different status.

In the same way that being 18 makes you feel different. You're still exactly the same person you were the day before, but your place in society, your social status, is different. Being an adult and recognised as such, is different to being a legal child.

Blandmum · 04/09/2007 20:35

Oh and we asked to be called 'Husband and wide' rather than 'man and wife' to reflect the fact that both of us had changed marital state

Our choice you understand

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:35

no what is interesting me is the idea that marriage per se is somehow changing people's relationships.

yes filly absolutely

I always find that acutely fascinating and terrifying

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:36

Lol at 'husband and wide'!!

pooka · 04/09/2007 20:37

PMSL at "wide". Was that after children MB?

binkleandflip · 04/09/2007 20:37

I personally dont like being thought of as a 'wife' but only because it sounds so grown-up - I dont even like to think of myself as a 'woman' yet and I'm 35 (so just a slip of a girl really, right? )

I dont like to think of myself as married with a husband. My wedding wasnt for religious reasons or legal reasons and I didnt feel a day different being married.

Its sort of inconsequential to me on a day to day basis tbh

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:37

bit of a freudian slip there martian

Cammelia · 04/09/2007 20:37

mb thats what we end up as

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:38

Why be scared? It does for some people, not for others.
Having children utterly turned our relationship upside down. It changed again when we both started working from home. Change is not exclusive to marriage. And people can signal a desire for change for the better with marriage. People may get married because they want their relationship to be recognised as different and more serious than their previous relationships, for example.

Blandmum · 04/09/2007 20:39

TBH I didn't see it as changing per se, more like 'intensifying' or'refining'

Rather like the palest pink deepening to the darkest rose pink. the colour (relationship) was the same, but it grew and deepened with the marriage and the passage of time.

As I'm sure it does when people remain in any relationship for a long period of time.

But we wanted to make a public commitment at a point allong the way

Blandmum · 04/09/2007 20:39

LOLOL at my typo!

well, it was right in my case anyway!

madamez · 04/09/2007 20:40

OK so spousal rape is now against the law, but the history of marriage as an abuse of women, as treating them as possessions rather than people etc, is a perfectly good reason for refusing to marry. It's not saying that marriage is meaningless - quite the reverse.

And I am not opposed to marriage - it's my pet subject. 'Marriage' in some form or other is a part of every human society. What I think is important is that people do it and arrange it in the way that suits them and their circumstances, rather than insisting it's only available to the heterosexual and monogamous.

Cammelia · 04/09/2007 20:42

Why is the history of marriage a reason not to marry when we now have exactly the same rights as men

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:42

So would you refuse to serve on a jury because juries were originally only for white, home-owning men?

aloha · 04/09/2007 20:43

Or go to university because they were originally solely for men?

Cammelia · 04/09/2007 20:43

I think we're on the same track Aloha

TellusMater · 04/09/2007 20:45

In terms of rights and responsibilities, is there any difference between civil partnerships and civil marriage?

Would people who are anti the word marriage, with all its connotations, prefer to call their contract a civil partnership?

How do you feel about the idea that after a certain period of time cohabiting couples become legally contracted unless they opt out (as has been suggested recently I think).

I find it a bit troubling that such big legal steps can be taken as a default position. I think you should contract in, not out of such things, although I di understand the difficulty some partners find themselves in.

For me, marriage is certainly more than a piece of paper, it's a sacrament, but I don't think that's really relevant to this discussion .

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:47

Can I blatantly reproduce my Reasons Not To Get Married Again:

Religious reasons:

  1. The church does not really recognise second marriages (you can't marry in church)
  2. It probably isn't very clever to stand in front of God and make the same promises untildeathdouspart - you know, like AGAIN
  3. I like having a special bond with my ex-spouse that I don't share with anyone else, because we are still very close
  4. DP feels most of the above as well
  5. Being an unmarried family in a church environment is very big statement to make. It is controversial and I like being an example of an alternative family unit to my children.

Non-church reasons:
6. As above, I like my children not to think that life is a fairytale where you get married and live happily ever after. I don't want them to be obssessed by the marriage "thing" and think that it is a rite of passage that they have to go through to validate themselves, their relationship or their families.
7. Getting divorced was the most stressful experience of my life. It is hugely symbolic and devastating for families.
8. It will mean either lying to our families or hurting our families - we would not want 'a wedding'.
9. The darning of socks.

NadineBaggott · 04/09/2007 20:47

You meet
You fall in love
You marry
You have kids
if you're lucky
You get grandchildren

it's like night follows day for me

Blandmum · 04/09/2007 20:47

and who has said, on this thread, that it is for heterosexuals only?

I wish gay people all joy and happiness if this is what they want to do?

And if a threesome wants to make a formal comittment to each other, who's buisness is it to refuse?

I'm happily married to a man who has always treated me as his complete equal, and has never thoght this odd, and never considered any other sort of behaviour possible or preferable.

I wish everyone could be as happy as we are.

My marriage matters becauser it does, in the final anaysis.

When a dying man tells you that getting married was the best thing he ever did, it carries some weight.

morningpaper · 04/09/2007 20:47

is it too late to get it annulled?

littlelapin · 04/09/2007 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startouchedtrinity · 04/09/2007 20:48

I got married at 21, and tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary - we've been together for 21 yrs, and have 3 dcs, aged 5, 3 and 16 mo.

You could argue that at 21 I was too young to know what being married really means. Certainly my understanding of it has deepened over the years. It has nothing to do with God (although we did marry in church), or a big day, or pleasing family. Committment is part of it, but it goes deeper. It is what makes dh and I work even when things aren't working. Call me weak but the promises I made, and that I have lived since my early twenties, are a big part of why I didn't leave dh when things were going badly. It makes a difference to how I feel about myself, in a positive way, not as a possession but as a part of someone else, which means that I do not give up on them, nor they on me. I entered into my marriage with no desire to have children, so being a family unit or group didn't enter into it.

I have no issues at all with people not marrying, but I don't see that civil partnerships are necessary when there are very basic civil weddings available and there is no necessity to refer to yourself as 'husband and wife' or change your name. It is absurd that civil partnerships exist at all, they shoudl be referred to as marriages as that is how the majority see them and it is undeniable that the reason they aren't is because of the religious right.

Cammelia · 04/09/2007 20:48

Why is getting divorced worse than breaking up with the father of your chilfren if you're not married?

I would think its much more traumatic in terms of lack of entitlement