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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spook's wonderful new life

256 replies

anorak · 03/10/2004 10:20

Time for a change of title, I think. You have stopped moving away from sadness and are now moving towards happiness and a new life, spook!

More ups than downs now . What's the latest?

OP posts:
Twinkie · 21/10/2004 13:17

Will start a we need help thread!!!

spook · 21/10/2004 13:23

OOH Twinkie. We are BBBAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!! This has SO cheered me up!!

spook · 27/10/2004 16:10

Hi guys. Just checking in from my big bro´s computer in sunny Ibiza! We are having a lovely and very quiet time. Mostly just me and the boys and it´s lovely but I do sometimeas crave another grown up.
Hope you´re all enjoying half term! Have had couple of dealings with DH. There´s a strange change in the air. He phoned me here the morning we arrived and was crying saying he was just so worried about everything and how he wished he was here!!! Then he called yesterday from Tokyo and sounded decideldy down in the dumps-though the Japanese love the Sirens so with a bit of luck they´ll fuck off to over there.
I am missing him like you wouldn´t believe. This is a very special place for us and the house seems very big without him. BUT!!! We don´t need him. Lots of love girls. I miss you all XXXXX

Original poster
anorak · 27/10/2004 16:28

Hi spook. You have no idea how much I wish I was there.....

Please please please invite me again!!! When my family isn't at crisis point would be good

OP posts:
spook · 30/10/2004 13:44

Oh God oh God oh God. I KNOW I am eading far too much into ths but here goes. As I said, the morning we arrived in Ibiza DH called and was sobbing on the phone. he said he wished he was there and he was so worried-couldn't really get much sense out of him. Then he called a few days later from Tokyo and sounded really down in the dumps.
Then he has just picked the boys up for the night and stayed for a coffee. We were very pleasant with each other but the boys were so excited we didn't really say much. I told him DS1 had been very low. He has been finding things very difficult and it's as if it's getting harder for him rather than easier. he took it on board and said he would talk to him.
Then he stood up and I put my arms around him and said "We've really missed you this week" and he said "What, all of you" and ofcourse I said yes. He said..."I have had a really hard week too. If I hadn't been so far away...." and then he tailed off but could only have meant he would have come over to Ibiza.
Then he stood on the doorstep for ages and as he got in the car I mouthed "I love you" He just stared at me for ages and then gave me a really nice smile. He asked what I was doing with my day and when he drove away he blew me a kiss!!!!
I know it doesn't seem like much but believe me it is!!
I am so jittery and jumpy and am writing this at super speed. There is a definate change in the air. Oh WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?????
Come on now girls. Bring me down to earth. I am flying.

Original poster
anorak · 30/10/2004 15:05

Hello

Perhaps he is finally realising what he has given up! It would be lovely to think so. But he does need to fully understand what he has put you through and be truly sorry before you can make a new start.

My advice would be to tread very very carefully indeed. Let's hope with all our might that he is turning around. But no one wants you to get hurt and disappointed again so please go slowly and cautiously.

And do make sure this is not all a manipulation campaign to deter you from moving to London.

Did you have a lovely time in Ibiza? I couldn't stop thinking about you.

OP posts:
moomina · 30/10/2004 15:33

Yep, I second everything that anorak has said. As always

This may be the start of something - or it may not. Don't forget how he has built your hopes up in the past with his being-niceness and then dashed them again. I would love to be proved wrong on this, spook, I really, really would! Let him make the next move, whatever it may be. Don't call or text or whatever in the hope of getting a bit more of the same out of him, IYKWIM. Keep your cool (hard I know).

I hope he's finally seen the light - but...

prufrock · 30/10/2004 15:41

Spook - I know how much you want this to happen, but quick reality check. If he was to be back in your life, what would you accept as far as contact with Katsick went? Could you cope with knowing taht he was still seeing her, albeit on a purely proffessional basis? If not, do you think he would give up the Sirens?
You do need to think about stuff like this - you can't jsut let him come back to his lovely life at home with you and carry on as before - he needs to REALLY win you back by being wonderful, not just expect to be able to come back because he's stopped being horrid.

ponygirl · 30/10/2004 15:53

Hi spook, second what the others have said. I know the butterflies are fluttering for you, but please go so carefully! All the ups you've had so far have had crashing downs for you. Please protect yourself from even more hurt. Keep your feet (and your heart!) on the ground! Love xxx

spook · 30/10/2004 16:37

Hi girls. Thankyou so much for all your very wise comments.Ponygirl, I have just had a long walk on a very foggy beach and put my very damp feet firmly back on the ground (and my heart!). Everything you all say is so true. I know he has dashed all hope before and I know I read far too much into things. You all said exactly what I wanted you (and knew you would!) say.
I promise Moominmama I will tread very carefully. No more hugs and no more "I love yous" He doesn't need telling again. I am so so much stronger and you are right Prufrock. He has to do alot more than blow me a kiss from the car before he comes home (as if!!!)
And Prufrock-as for katsick Kat-I really don't know. I have thought about it. The only thing I can say on that one is if he did "try" and be with me then it would be a huge decision on his part. He's fought against it for nearly a year so from that respect I would think he really really wanted to make it work. So-no answers. But I am only human and I couldn't sit back whilst he travelled the world with her that's for sure.
Anorak honey. I had a really nice time thankyou. I've got the best family out there. I'm very lucky. And the sun shone for most of it. For some reason we all missed DH desperately but we got through as our little gang even more in love than we were before if possible!!
I don't think his actions are manipulation but God. Who knows what he's capapble of after all this. The only thing that would stop me going to London would be this family back together again and if that's the price he's willing to pay then so be it. I'd much rather have that than starting afresh in a new city, but I am more than prepared to do it!
Lots of love-I hope things are a bit brighter in the Anorak house this week?? XXXXX

Original poster
anorak · 30/10/2004 16:42

The peaceful times are creeping back in. I'm feeling a bit upset at the moment as I was told to f**k off for suggesting that kicking her sister in the chest while she was drinking a cup of mile (or anytime) is a dumb thing to do! I wanted to slap her but of course you can't, can you?

Ah well...families, eh spook? Can't live with them, can't live without them

OP posts:
Christie · 30/10/2004 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zephyrcat · 30/10/2004 17:19

Good to see you back honey - you sound so much more upbeat than before you went away - good news Have just emailed you..... xxx

Original poster
anorak · 30/10/2004 18:03

Thanks Christie!

Essbee is on her way over here and I am going to drag her out somewhere tonight if you want to come??

(sorry for hijacking your thread spook)

And my dd was drinking a cup of milk, not mile by the way

OP posts:
Christie · 30/10/2004 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 30/10/2004 18:55

Oh please be careful spook.

spook · 30/10/2004 19:21

I will WWW. I will

ponygirl · 30/10/2004 19:58

I find beaches, particularly wet and windy ones, are great places to sort your had out. I love them and am glad you have one nice and near. One of the few downsides of London: no beaches! love to you. xxx

ponygirl · 30/10/2004 19:58

Head, not had!

spook · 31/10/2004 13:15

Hi everyone. He's dropping the boys off in 15 minutes and I can't stop shaking. I am like a caged animal. Stop it Spook. I cannot describe how much I miss him. Just for a second there yesterday it was almost like having the old DH back and I just can't get it out of my head. Oh if there is a God-please please please make him come home to us. I don't think I would stop smiling for a decade. My family deserves this more than the whole world. And I just know he's going to drop the boys off and go off back to his other life and in half an hour I'm going to be back where I was. WHAT IS IT WITH ME!!!

maomao · 31/10/2004 13:37

Oh spook, I'm sending you lots of hugs of support....

moomina · 31/10/2004 13:54

OK, it's 2pm - how was he?

Freckle · 31/10/2004 14:02

What is with you is that there is some deeply rooted core of you that wants your old life back and you equate his being nice (for a change) as an indication that that might be possible. But you also know somewhere shut in a cupboard in your mind that it really isn't going to happen, because whatever lies ahead for you (whether with him or not) is never going to be what you had (iyswim). If he decides to come back and you accept him back, your future relationship is only ever going to be a pale imitation of what you had - and one built on very dodgy foundations.

I think what you need to ask yourself is, if we try again, could I ever trust him 100%? And you take it from there.

spook · 31/10/2004 14:04

Beautiful and gorgeous. I clung to him and he clung to me and I cried and he said please don't cry baby. And I said can't you just try and he said I can't talk about this right now, I'll call you and we'll talk when I get back from New York. And I said sorry-I've not cried for such a long time but I just miss you like you wouldn't believe. It just doesn't get any easier. And I said all the hurt and lies I don't care about. We just want you home and he said but I do care about them. And I could've just clung to him until we grew old on the doorstep and it's like everything that happened has happened and doesn't matter. All that matters is that he's here. And I know I am sounding like a complete looper and right this second I think I am a complete looper.

spook · 31/10/2004 14:05

Sorry Freckle.Posts crossed. I don't care about pale imitations. We were meant to be together.