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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

251 replies

Firstimemummy86 · 18/02/2020 20:21

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

OP posts:
drspouse · 19/02/2020 15:40

If you're not married, financially you are stuffed.
In this instance it seems like she would actually be better off as she can just move to her mum's - get help with the baby - partner will have to pay what he is calculated to owe - and you don't need to have him on the birth certificate.

Really good that you found this out now not later.

And yes, many men are controlling, abusive, or violent for the first time when their partner is pregnant.

tribpot · 19/02/2020 15:48

Because they realise they probably have to pay more for a short while
What do you mean, for a short while? Children come with lots of costs associated with them. Who does he think is going to paying for all of these?

until now my earnings are going to drastically change and my life’s changing
You're both becoming parents. Both of your lives are going to change.

Techway · 19/02/2020 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SafferUpNorth · 19/02/2020 15:54

Don't bother trying to chat to him. He's made it quite clear that he has no intention of being a proper parent to HIS child - both financially and in doing his bit. He's just a self-centred, abusive knob. No amount of chatting will change that.

Go to your mum's now, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in a supportive environment and take all the mat leave you need to breastfeed your precious baby. You'll be better off in the long run. Good luck Flowers

EuroMillionsWinner · 19/02/2020 16:08

Regardless of the whole moving after the baby is born the fact is this man is already showing you abuse. He is showing you who he is. So the time to leave is now. Chats will solve nothing and, as pointed out, will give him a wedge by which to further manipulate you until he feels he's got you stuck again. He's already shown his own child utter contempt - hasn't bought it so much as a pack of nappies, researched childcare, tells you it's none of his to bother with as he has to work, that he will be taking his baby's fucking Child Benefit and your maternity allowance to avoid supporting his own kid and hte mother of his child.

It doesn't get any clearer than this.

'Chats' and any attempt to reason with an abuser is like teaching a dog to read: a pointless endeavour.

3dogsandababy · 19/02/2020 16:11

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with a newborn and woman’s mat leave

No - my husband is doing overtime to make sure I can have as much time off as possible with the baby (partly because childcare is so expensive) because it's the best thing for our child.
We've also discussed nighttime wake ups, when I'm on mat leave I'll be getting up through the night on weekdays as he'll be working but he'll take over on weekends. And when I go back to work we'll find a routine that works for both of us.

EuroMillionsWinner · 19/02/2020 16:14

Actually, since he's abusive (and abusers are master manipulators, just look how much he has already manipulated you: he had you believing you were a 'gold digger' and freeloader whilst handing over your mat allowance and the baby's child benefit and getting into debt so he could pay FA for his kid), I'd not even tell him I was leaving because Fizzy is 100% correct - he'll play to manipulate you out of it so he can continue to abuse you financially.

I'd pack a suitcase and tell him I was just going to visit my family for a bit to have some time out before the baby arrives, then tell him that was that and get back the rest of your stuff with family and friends around to support you. Just pack essentials and your paperwork.

Don't give him a clue. People who are abusive often step up their abuse once they realise they are losing control of their victim.

Firewall · 19/02/2020 16:25

I’m so sorry you are going through this. His attitude will not change I’m afraid, I was in a similar situation to you only my DP decided that when we were having a baby he would take over 100% of financial responsibility allowing me to concentrate on OUR baby as that’s what a unit does.
Do not put him on the birth certificate and leave without a word. There’s not much more to discuss with him. Leave, enjoy your baby and if he really feels he has changed his colours he can prove it to you with action after the baby is born.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 19/02/2020 16:27

This is a LTB situation. It will only get worse. He doesn’t see you as his partner and will likely expect you to work full time whilst also waiting on him hand and food and looking after all the housework and all the childcare.

Men like this only get worse once a baby arrives. I know.

FlowerArranger · 19/02/2020 16:27

People who are abusive often step up their abuse once they realise they are losing control of their victim.

Either that or the play nice until they've got their claws into you and you're stuck.

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2020 16:40

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave?

Not decent ones who love their families, no.

Please don't bother talking to him.
Make your plans, pack up when he's at work and leave.

Starlight456 · 19/02/2020 16:55

I assumed my ex would take care of our Ds .

We assume alsorts of things of partners. The fact he has made it clear he doesn’t plan to do the care. Says all no paying , not caring, no night feeds.

I agree go before baby is born he can’t stop you moving them.

Also if you go to cms once baby is born You will get a contribution then.

Also as a Lp it is easier then with a partner who won’t help.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 19/02/2020 17:04

Thank god for your mum!

Do it. Move away. Now.

Take a look at my thread from last week for a peek into your future if you don’t. It’s no way to live - trust me.

Motherhippo · 19/02/2020 17:32

Your partner sounds like a tit!!! Me and my partner split all bills 50/50 before baby. Now his wage pays all the bills and my maternity money goes on the food shopping. Fair enough he has to go to work Monday-Friday 9-5, but I'm at hope keeping baby fed watered and alive 24/7. You need to have a serious chat with your partner about this. If he won't budge, you're better off going it alone and getting CSA involved. He'd be more out of pocket that way for sure.

NoMoreDickheads · 19/02/2020 17:40

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave?

I don't think so.

MadamShazam · 19/02/2020 17:41

So glad you are going to your Mum's OP, she sounds wonderful ❤ and when the baby comes, make sure you get maintenance through court if necessary. I wish you the very best of luck, having a baby is a wonderful thing ( mostly) and having your Mum with you will make life so much better. ❤

Poppinjay · 19/02/2020 17:47

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave?

Absolutely not.

Most men see the arrival of a baby as something to manage in partnership with the mother. The woman will carry, give birth to and often feed the baby. He can't do those things so he will want to play his part in other ways, i.e. providing a salary, getting involved in baths/changing nappies, doing a bigger share of cooking & cleaning, fending of visitors, taking the baby so the mother can sleep, late night runs for nipple cream, nappies, chocolate, or whatever else is needed, providing moral support and hugs.

Importantly, they won't expect gratitude for these things. They are doing them because they want to look after their partner and their child. Their only goal is that the mother and child are healthy and well looked after. They will do everything they can to minimise stress and wouldn't be knowingly creating money worries.

The men who do this aren't special in any way. This is the normal way to respond when you are going to become a father.

This sounds like light years from what you feel you could expect and that speaks volumes.

Bring your baby into the world surrounded by people who want to love and care for both of you. For you, I think this will be your mother, not your partner.

DICarter1 · 19/02/2020 18:00

I can’t add much as the there has already been a lot of good advice.

Men who are abusive with money don’t get any better. If you’ve been together only 18 months you should really still be in the honeymoon stage. I would take the advice of leaving. A chat with an abusive manipulative man will likely achieve nothing. You shouldn’t be stressing about money right now. Go home to your mum.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 19/02/2020 18:02

OP please just go. This isnt going to get better, this will be your life. You have a great opportunity with your mum - take it x

Pippinsqueak · 19/02/2020 18:08

He should be bending over backwards to make sure you and baby are happy, healthy and provided for, not just the short term but the long term, both financially and emotionally. If he can't do it now then he's going to get a big shock when baby comes.

If you go to your mums you ll hopefully get the support you need there. You won't be missing out on anything as it sounds like he's not going to pull his weight anyway. He ll be the one missing out on a beautiful baby coming into this world.

I hope you get things sorted x

AngelsSins · 19/02/2020 18:12

Send him an invoice for 50% of the cost of renting your womb for 9 months and compensation for the pain and suffering of the delivery. Fucking arsehole!

strawberrylipgloss · 19/02/2020 18:14

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave?

No because I think it's obvious to 99% of men that maternity leave means that their partner earns nothing. I think it's part of the reason why some men want children later than women- they want to have some time spending their whole pay check on themselves before supporting a family.

Your partner is being more than financially difficult. Does he think that you're giving birth to a magic money tree or something?

I would suggest packing a bag before the chat so you can leave quickly.

Loli2020 · 19/02/2020 18:16

Good luck OP xx

Jackiebrambles · 19/02/2020 18:25

Oh op I'm sorry. He's such a bad man.

Honestly, talking to him won't change anything. He's made himself extremely clear. Move to your mums ASAP, bring your precious baby into a home full of love and care, not inconvenience, penny pinching and stress.

Definitely give the baby your surname.

user15783478064 · 19/02/2020 18:25

Maybe look at doing the Freedom Programme course once you move in with your mum. You seem to have some low expectations of how you should be treated in a relationship. The group course is free.