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Original poster

Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

251 replies

Firstimemummy86 · 18/02/2020 20:21

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

OP posts:
Sofasand0ut · 19/02/2020 02:14

I agree, the father of your child sounds like he sees this maternity leave and child rearing as your hobby!
I am also expecting and have separate finances. I generally believed my DP would do what your DP has said as his parents are of the opinion that women really should not be involved in the household finances just give their money (earnt or benefits) to their partners to sort out the finances and give them an "allowance" and be told what are permitted to spend money on. Confused
I was quite surprised when he said that he would have enough money to pay all the bills etc if that's what WE decided.
So we compromised; DP will pay all utility bills and rent. I pay for myself (fuel, food) and baby equipment/clothes. We also agreed that those who pay have the ultimate deciding factor on money spent so example: if he wants to change electricity companies, buy a different car (shared) or stop wasting water then that's what happens. And if I want to name our child a crazy name, take child to lots of activities or none etc it's my choice. I am also responsible for ensuring that our child has the equipment it needs (pram etc).
It helps to keep things separate for us but this isn't for everyone.
I wonder if this might be a helpful start to tomorrow's conversation?

user1471449295 · 19/02/2020 02:28

Did you impregnate yourself? No? Then he is responsible for this baby too. He doesn’t get to keep his cushy pre-baby life whilst you struggle. Fucking waste of space.

sofato5miles · 19/02/2020 05:45

Jesus wept. What an entitled wanker.

Angelw · 19/02/2020 05:46

Does he honestly think staying at home all day with a baby is easy? Get Quotes from your local child minders on how much you would be paying for childcare for your baby and tell him you will be charging the same rate for the time you will be at home looking after your baby. He definitely needs to contribute to all baby clothing/nappies /baby foods/expenses On an equal if not more basis. Taking care of your baby can’t be your responsibility alone. He does sound irrational and irresponsible. Might it be he’s facing a crisis? Some men experience this when expecting a new baby hence why abuse be it emotional, financial or physical Happen a lot during gestation.
Lidl’s lupilu nappies are good quality and cheap. He is terribly 😬 annoying, not sure I’d be this accommodating or kind.

IDontDrinkTea · 19/02/2020 05:51

I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better

AgentJohnson · 19/02/2020 06:04

Why are you having a baby with this man? You’ve slept walked into a terribly precarious position with a twat. He’s very much made it clear that this your baby and I’m guessing if you ask more of the bare minimum from him, he’ll spell it out louder and clearer than ever before.

You need to decide what you and the baby needs and communicate that because this man will screw you and your baby over if given the opportunity.

You’re about to be a mother OP and unfortunately you are learning very fast that a hell of a lot of guys think that impregnating a woman is a significant contribution to being a father.

TreeTopTim · 19/02/2020 07:07

Leave him now before the baby comes.

He is abusive. Can you see that OP?

KatharinaRosalie · 19/02/2020 08:17

Op, so what was your current plan after those 12 weeks? He is happy to pay half of the childcare?

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2020 08:24

I hope it's just his name on the tenancy. Then you can pack up and go and leave him with 100% of the bills.

This should be a happy and exciting time for you. Open your eyes now and look st your future if you stay.
Miserable, isn't it?

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2020 08:29

Wow. Clearly doesn't see you as a family then, or the kid as his responsibility.

I don't really understand why you'd choose to have a baby with a man like this, you're in it on your own. Did he lie to you before hand, did you take the conversation on finances?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2020 08:49

You need to leave this man and before the baby arrives because this is who he really is. He cares not a jot for you or for that matter his child. This relationship is really and truly over due to his abuses of you and in turn his as yet unborn child.

I would also give your child your surname rather than his.

Bibidy · 19/02/2020 08:50

@Firstimemummy86 The baby is his responsibility too! It sounds like he doesn't even intend to pay half of what his own baby needs. Not on.

MsTSwift · 19/02/2020 08:52

Really peculiar! Is the baby his? Assuming so he is 50% responsible for it.

AvocadoAdvocate · 19/02/2020 09:00

OP you deserve so much more than a twat like him. He should be asking what he can do to make your life easier, not actively seeking to make your life harder.

My DH often irritates the hell out of me, but since discovering MN, and reading posts like these, I've come to realise he's actually pretty great. He would do anything for me and our DC and appreciates all I do for him and the family too. Been married 33 years, kids are now adults.

Do not accept this behaviour, sort it NOW or get out before baby arrives.

userabcname · 19/02/2020 09:50

Honestly move back to your parents. Why waste your time? He's clearly a selfish knob and he's not going to change. If you have a loving family who'd support you with a baby then go to them. Tell your partner to do one. And please don't fall into the "staying for the child" bullshit. I was brought up very happily by a single mum and NC with useless father. Better no father than a shit father!

CousinKrispy · 19/02/2020 10:04

Just another voice saying you are not unreasonable, OP, he is.

5leafclover's post is very useful but I am afraid if his feeling of entitlement about "his" time and money is so entrenched, there's very little chance it will change.

It will be so difficult for you and also for your child to grow up sensing that their own father resents the money and time and effort that are necessary to raise a child. I hope you won't put them through years of that.

Alsoco · 19/02/2020 10:04

Now this is a thread that’s financially abusive. It’s a phrase thrown around too easily on this site (my DH only gives me £1300 a month springs to mind 🙄) but I’ve never seen it be more applicable here. Go stay with your Mum, you’ll be happier ☺️

LannieDuck · 19/02/2020 10:09

So... if you both work FT, you both pay 50% of bills and do 50% of housework (does he? why not?). When child comes, you both do 50% of childcare.

... or does he think you'll pay 50% of bills and do 100% of childcare (and housework)? If that's his attitude, I would cut my losses now.

However the money - stress and caring for baby is my responsibility

Why? Was it an immaculate conception? Did he not want the baby?

he did say he can’t do night feeds as one of us has to go to work

You'll be doing 100% of the childcare for this period, so he should cover 100% of the bills? If he insists on you paying 50%, ask how he's going to manage his 50% of childcare?

LannieDuck · 19/02/2020 10:11

Basically... why does he think the two of you should be equal in bill-paying, but not in chores?

Ginmonkey84 · 19/02/2020 10:15

No no no he is being absolutely financially abusive....... I would do what a previous PP said. Work out the cost of childcare and have it to hand and he can see exactly how much this costs if he expects you to go back to work. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant. I’m very fortunate to have maternity pay for 18 weeks but rather than me go back after this time my husband is putting away £150 of his wages a week into savings so that I can take a full 9 months off as I will move onto stat and would cost more for us to pay out on childcare costs. But we have a joint family pot, all our money goes into one account so it makes it a lot easier. You made this baby together and he should be taking equal responsibility for the upbringing of that child and that includes financially. Absolutely awful he’s putting this financial pressure on you x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2020 10:20

However the money - stress and caring for baby is my responsibility and he’s made that clear - he did say he can’t do night feeds as one of us has to go to work

Oh Christ, he's one of those....

Please get out now and go to your Mum's. Seriously. Don't hope it will get better or hope he'll change his mind.

SmellyBeard · 19/02/2020 10:22

My god. What a cunt. Maternity leave is much harder than going to work. I should know I'm on it now! I've had no sleep for weeks and weeks.

12 weeks IMO is not enough. You need 6 months minimum.

This man is disgustingly abusive to both you and your unborn child. He is not a fit partner to provide for a family. I honestly would leave him - you are otherwise going to have a life time of desperately scraping pennies together for you and your child while he lives off his salary and watches you struggle? Nah. What a useless partner and father. You'll get more support off the state tbh - and less arguments and soul destruction at being treated that way.

Your life is about to be turned upside down when this baby arrives. Worrying about paying your half is the LAST THING you want to be thinking about.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/02/2020 10:29

he did say he can’t do night feeds as one of us has to go to work

news flash: - my baby is now a 2.5yr old toddler- and she will still occasionally wakes in the night. We both work, do we just leave the child? I hope your OH gets a reality check soon enough. When my baby woke in the night and sucked the life out of me, it was daddy who then changed/ burped her so I could rest.

Branleuse · 19/02/2020 10:30

Id leave tbh. If hes saying he wouldnt support me to help raise his baby when it had literally just been born and I was recovering and nurturing it, then i fail to see the point in being involved with him at all.
Even on benefits you wouldnt be expected to work in the first year. Every new baby deserves to be mothered and new mother deserves to be allowed to be with her baby. Life is not a production line.

Many mothers go back into the workforce for need or because they want to, but as part of a functioning society that isnt purely about economic growth or servitude, then we should support mothers. He is showing a vile uncaring attitude to one of the most natural and important instincts in life. He has no respect for you

restingbitchface30 · 19/02/2020 10:37

He’s a dick end of