Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

[Firstimemummy86]

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

@Firstimemummy86 your mum sounds lovely. He is an abusive prick. I'm self employed and when I was pregnant with ds, Dh and I were engaged and living together. We never discussed the financial aspect of my mat leave.
I had someone else run my business and I got statutory mat pay. Dh paid for everything. Never said a single word about it and I had full access to all of our money at all times. I took 7 months off. He was delighted I did.

@Firstimemummy86
I've not read TFT but the advice of @EuroMillionsWinner is bang on.

This is not just about having baby. It is about the joint responsibility of bringing up a child, of being a family. It's about putting the needs of the family above all else. Once you bring a child into this world, your whole life changes. Forever. For the rest of your life.

Your partner has not bought into this. God knows what he was thinking when he agreed to father a child. But clearly he is not willing to shoulder the responsibility of actually BEING a father. So you'd better cut your losses. No need to name him on the birth certificate. Give the child your name. You can still get child maintenance.

I will actually be so much more financially better off going to my mums as I don’t have to find my ‘half’ everything immediately either - she won’t be getting out the rent book on labour ward for sure 😂my mat allowance and child benefit will defo cover my food n petrol nappy costs

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave? Because they realise they probably have to pay more for a short while and it will be harder living is so expensive these days I understand the pressure

All I want is to bring my baby into a calm stressfree place and baby can have as much of me as possible and for me to heal and recover too

I didn’t realise I wouldn’t be able to move away from him if I had the baby and then split up after baby is here 😧that scares me most being truly stuck having to live in same area as him if we split up

Xxx

I didn’t realise I wouldn’t be able to move away from him if I had the baby and then split up after baby is here 😧that scares me most being truly stuck having to live in same area as him if we split up

This is simply not true.

If your partner has (or gains by court order) parental responsibility then he could take proceedings around contact etc but even if you live in different areas this can be worked around. Plenty of parents live in different areas from each other.

"Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave?"

Abusive men, yes. Selfish men, men who are tight with money, misogynists... all those kinds of men are likely to react badly.

Normal men are not. Men who respect and support their partners don't react badly about that kind of thing.

By the way, you will probably be entitled to claim Universal Credit after your baby is born. While you live with your mum you won't get the housing element but you will get the child element. And if you get UC you can apply for the sure start maternity grant, too (£500).

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with a newborn and woman’s mat leave

Only the abusive ones. This is when they tend to show their true colours.

Also, 18 months is hardly any time at all. It is often said it takes two years in a relationship with someone to get a true picture of them. Youre already pregnant in the ‘honeymoon period.’

Another tip ive read is, early on in the relationship, when you're doing everything to please them, say no to something. No excuse, just ‘no that doesn't work for me.’ And see how they react. I thought that was interesting advice.

Youre in a great position now though as you KNOW this is wrong and he is awful. You can act now and not make life more difficult for yourself.

How many weeks are you?

I moved 50 miles away.
Maybe some truth if he had previously had a relationship with a dc...
Given it isn't even here yet, nor is he on a bc or have any court ordered PR I should think you can delete that 'info' op..

Are you in the UK. See how much child maintenance he would have to pay on the CSA (or whoever they are now) website and charge him that while still living in the house. What a dick.

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave? Because they realise they probably have to pay more for a short while and it will be harder living is so expensive these days I understand the pressure

No they don't, this one is a total prick. Most men are happy to support their wives during maternity leave. He should have mentioned this long before conception because I am sure you would not have had a baby with him if you'd known he was going to behave like this.
There is no excuse, most men would be pleased to help and protect their partner during this time.
Go to your mums and enjoy your baby.

Do a lot of men react badly when the subject of money is brought up with an newborn and woman’s mat leave?

No. Most new fathers are not surpried by the fact that it's their baby too.

Glad to see you're going to your Mums

Wow. What an utter, utter shit head he is.
Move, and tell him that you hope his money keeps his company.

Leave and claim benefits until you can go back to work.

Dont put on birth certificate either. I doubt hell be involved by sounds of it

By all means talk to him but I fear it will be pointless. If you need to explain the basics of supporting your partner and new baby then they're not worth it anyway. Any half decent man wouldn't need it explaining to them.

"Dear tightarse,
I knew a penny pinching miser like you would never expect to work for free, so I looked up the cost of a nanny, housekeeper and night-help. It's more than you can afford, so I am hereby handing in my notice, in expectation of you not paying me my fair wage."

Well I hope your conversation goes well OP but like other posters I fear it won’t at all. Good luck. I’m glad you are already planning on going to your mum’s.

Op it would be better to leave and go to your mums and then tell him you've left. Not the other way round.
When baby is born don't put his name down as the father. If he wants contact he will then have to go to court and you will know whether or not he is serious

I'd be at your mums for the birth regardless now, just for support. Those first few weeks can be brutal. A doting granny will be a blessing. A man who thinks he is some kind of God for working? Not so much....

You have a great mum and you are going to be a great mum. You’ve mentioned wanting your baby to be born in to a stress free environment. From everything you’ve said, I think that would be at your mums. Nothing else needs to be decided now. Just say you’ve had a long think and you’re going to go back to your mum’s, have the baby there and have mat leave there. His actions and what he does during this time will show you if you can ever make this work with him. Tonight’s conversation doesn’t have to be any more stressful than telling him you think it’s best you move back to your mum’s. THEN you can have the conversation about money and THEN you can decide on putting his name on the birth certificate etc. One step at a time OP. Get back to your mum’s; everything will become clear after that.

OP I hope you do go to your mum's and leave this financial abuser.

If you stay with him, you can guarantee it will be a life of hell and even more struggle. When having a baby together with someone, it should be a shared and united front. I don't need to reiterate what the PPs have said. This whole situation is WRONG. If you were my daughter, I'd be disgusted with your excuse of a partner...he's not a partner really....I'd want you to be out of that situation.

Totally agree with @fizzandchips

OP might well struggle to move away once the baby is here ... yes she can move ... but she may well be required to 'facilitate' contact with the father if she does, like doing the driving/paying for tickets/fuel/etc.

move now before the baby arrives.

As other pp have said: his response is abusive not normal and he clearly has no idea of the commitment involved in having a child. He seems to think it’s equivalent to getting a puppy. My DH (then DP) took it for granted that I would not be earning while on mat leave and that the financial burden would be on him. We had no discussion about it beyond buying a house which mortgage-wise could be paid for from one salary (this was early 2000s before house prices for silly). That’s how caring partners behave. And btw: does he think external childcare is free? That’s when the expenses really ramp up if and when you go back to work - it’s when you have to pay someone else to look after your child. Get rid of him and go to your mum’s.

Don't put your boyfriend on the birth certificate whatever you do. You can still claim mantenance or whatever it's called.