Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

[Firstimemummy86]

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

Hugely unreasonable to not discuss this first and have a plan in place when you were trying to get pregnant

Most men realize the economic realities of child rearing and know that they must support the mother and baby financially.

Fuck that! I was off work for a year when I had ds,then didnt go back til he started school.DH gave me all the bank cards and I just got on with things,bought things we needed as and when plus treats (I didnt take the piss).Hes being an arsehole.

And please keep us updated OP, we are all behind you on this. Stay strong 💪❤

This is when you leave, it's only going to get worse. You are carrying his baby, and he thinks that you're having "time off" work to recover and bond. My heart breaks every time I read this, and it happens a lot. You're not going on holiday, you're going to go through a traumatic and painful experience and then try to spend time raising his child... And you're only doing that for 12 weeks so he can continue to not support his family. My husband once said something about how the house is his because he pays the mortgage, I pointed out every single way that he was being a cunt regarding that and if he did it again I'd leave and get a full time job and he can do 50/50 childcare. Surprisingly it's not been said again.
Tell him that you will take 1 week off to recover physically and then you will work full time, but someone needs to look after the newborn so he'll have to do that... And you hope he has enough savings. Wanker.

Or better still, leave now and go to your mum's.

Hopefully you take the advice from people on here and leave him. He is horrible

I am furious on your behalf. I would have been heartbroken, shocked and enraged if my OH had ever even hinted this, when I had to leave my job to care for our baby. What a complete prick! Your mom sounds amazing and I’d be gone to her like a shot. She’s sounds more excited than the babies soon to be dad. I feel so sad reading your OP. His true colors are shining through, take heed x

Op I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and if my dh was behaving like this we wouldn't be together. I'm sorry but he's a selfish, immature prick who's got a rude awakening. My dh has simply asked me to let him know how much I need to cover the bill account each month and asks me every week if I need anything.... This is how a relationship involving a baby should be. I'm sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you'd be emotionally and financially better off without him!

You need to realize that if you talk to him he may very well boo hoo and promise you the moon. Talk is cheap right now because the baby isn't here. But when the time comes, he's not really going to change. He may 'talk the talk', but he's not going to 'walk the walk' when the baby comes. But even if he does agree to share expenses, for the rest of your life you will be arguing with him about the costs of raising a child. Everything you want for the child from nappies to driving lessons is going to be 'too expensive'. You'll be having to beg and plead and 'justify yourself' to pry any pennies out of his purse to pay for school expenses, birthdays, and Xmas. Is that really the way you want to live?

Listen, move to your mum's. IF he really wants to prove to you that he can be a stand-up involved father he can do it with you living there. He can prove himself by paying CM, buying food/nappies for the baby, and by being an involved, caring father.

Kick him out.
Contact CMS to get the ball rolling.
Copy his wage slips and bank statements as he is likely to lie to CMS when they get to him.
Move to your mum's if there are jobs there, or stay where your job is now. The importent thing is to have some rl help around, especially for newborns - that's when you need someone to take the baby while you have a break\bath\sleep\fresh air etc
You will be OK, but it will be tough either without him or with him.

Good luck

He's not worth talking to. It's not worth the chat. You're only planning on taking 12 weeks off work? 3 months? and he has the cheek to say he hopes you have enough savings to get you through the 12 weeks??
Any man who even thinks that and lets those words come out of his mouth is not worth talking to.

The only thing i'd say to him is that the relationship is over. I'd say it's not up for discussion. I'd say it's not how a father or a man should act and that it's downright weird of a man to say something like that to the mother of his child and about his future baby so to fuck off!

Then if you really want to give him a chance (I would imagine it's pointless) then see if he comes to you afterwards to try to fix it and actually owns up to how completely out of order that was.

Sorry that you're going through this! Have you told your mum or friends? I bet you haven't, because you knew it wasn't right. I can guarantee you that that will be appalled by this and will help to keep you strong!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and yes it would have been good to discuss monetary issues and childcare issues but obviously you didn’t. Therefore, now you need to concentrate on you and your baby and what’s best for both of you. If you don’t see this working out long term then definitely move away before baby arrives otherwise life will be even harder for you. Hard and emotional time but put you and your baby first x

How are you today OP? Been thinking about you

You made this baby together. Your body needs a few months to recover, before you can return to work. He expects you to contribute financially, even when you're not earning, because you are recovering from having his baby. What an absolute Wanker.

Just for giggles, I'd sit him down and tell him that you've decided to go back to work, one week after baby is born. Nurseries won't take newborns, so he will have to take 3 months off work unpaid. You expect him to pay half of all of the bills, when he isn't earning any money. See what he says?

In reality, I'd leave this Arsehole, and go back to your mums. He is financially abusive, and it won't end here. He will no doubt expect you to take on more childcare, thus reducing your earning potential, and still pay half the bills. He may even want you to cover all Nursery bills. This isn't just your baby, it is his as well!

Aldo, as you're not married, you are in an especially vulnerable position (financially).

I would also take a photocopy of his most recent P60, as I have every expectation that he will lie to CMS about what he earns, in order to pay you as little child maintenance as possible.

This, from a legal website (below)... it also echoes what my divorce lawyer has told me. If your ex wants to keep your child tied to the home/area and you don’t have their consent to move, they can make it very difficult and the court will always place the child’s best interest first. And that may not always be your best interests. I am in the middle of a very complicated situation around this myself right now so I think moving before the birth is absolutely the right advice.

*’Finally, the value of gaining consent from your ex-partner cannot be overstated. You can relocate with your children anywhere in the UK or abroad if you gain the consent of everyone with parental responsibility for your children.

However, relocating without consulting your ex-partner is not advised because they can apply to the court for an emergency Prohibited Steps Order and could prevent you from moving or delay it significantly. If you cannot gain their consent then you should, therefore, apply for a Specific Issue Order allowing it.‘*

Sorry, bold fail!

Hope you're ok OP. You're right to get you and your precious baby out of there now. It will be harder after the birth. Start a new positive life for yourself. I wish I had done this.

you okay OP?

You can move away after the baby is born; the problem may come if you try to prevent contact. As pps have said, I think it will be less traumatic for you and your baby if you were to move before the birth. Good Luck

I hope you are safely ensconced at your mum's house, OP.

I am happy to report I have discussed this exact scenario with my 9 yr old DS today and he had no trouble grasping the principle that once you have children all money is family money. It came up because he asked who had paid for a film we rented, and I said it came from our joint account, to which he commented that 'it's Daddy's money then because he gets paid more' and I set him straight! We have three children, I have taken a massive hit in terms of my career progression, worked part-time since becoming a mum, had three seperate periods on maternity leave and unpaid compassionate leave when DD was ill. It works for our family for DH to work full time and for me to do more of the childcare, facilitate kids' hobbies, be more flexible....and therefore earn less. We both contribute plenty to the family "pot" in different ways and DH would never, ever be such a dick about money.
It's fair enough for two people working full time to share expenses 50:50 if they earn in the same ballpark, but it does not take a genius to work out that the arrangement becomes unfair once you have children, unless you can arrange it longer term so you both work 50% of the time and share all childcare and domestic chores 50:50 too. In the immediate postpartum period you are inevitably going to need time to recover and to adjust to caring for a tiny baby - he should be worshipping the ground you walk on and making sure he does everything to make that period easier for you. If his basic attitude is that this is your baby and entirely your responsibility then you are better off without him.

I'm tired of seeing posts like this about abusive men disrespecting their partners and children. Makes my blood boil. You've got a shite one there, OP. Get rid.

This is from Feb and I've only just seen it.
But OP, I really hope you got out of there.
Abusers show their true colours during pregnancy and the addition of a child.
I so so hope you are with your mum getting the love and support you need.

When I read this..
Jeez OP, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN
These were my thoughts - with bells on!

He's an abusive, misogynistic cunt!!!

You poor love. This man is a world class arse and woman and unborn child abuser. These abusive men often wait until you are pregnant and feeling dependent to start the abuse. I hope his dick falls off.