Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

[Firstimemummy86]

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

He's a twat. Just to get that said.

Does he realise that a days childcare will cost around £50, and that formula and nappies will be at least £20 a week or £80-£100 a month.

These are costs that he will need to pick up half off, then there's clothes, which they outgrow every few weeks.

Will he be doing half the night feeds if he's expecting you to be back at work?

You need to sit down and talk it through now, to understand what the financial situation will be, then decide if you'd rather stay with him or leave and claim Child maintenance.

As it’s 50/50 he’ll need to be paying for half the childcare, so whilst you’re looking after baby he’ll need to be paying you half of the fees - I do hope he has savings to be able to afford his half. New born baby care doesn’t come cheap...£300/400 per week

He’s a total fucking arse and it’s financial abuse

thats financial abuse.

you do realise he would have to pay child maintenance if you did separate from him,
so financially you would be in a better position
that way.

This is such depressing reading.

You seriously think this could be in any way normal? Has he beaten you down to have such little self esteem? Please believe you’re worth more than this!

Cut your losses and run now. He doesn’t deserve you and he sure as hell does not deserve your baby. And he won’t change.

He is being ridiculous
He helped to make this baby so he can’t just slither out of paying towards it
Has he always been this abusive?

Jesus of course it's not normal.
Just try it, tell him he's right, you can't just sit at home. So you will go back to work and obviously you need a full time nanny, and he is paying half.

No, just kidding. LTB. No loving partner and father would behave like that.

To add to everyone else's points already, what if you're not ready to go back to work after 12 weeks physically? Sometimes it takes a while to heal. Plus does he realise how expensive childcare is? He needs to realise you're a family now and he needs to provide for both of you

OP reading back it sounds as if he is either

• not the biological father of this baby
• the father but the pregnancy was unplanned and (by him) unwanted?

Either way he clearly doesn’t love you or the baby.

Either way you are going to be better off without him.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate
I know you what to right now but really, don’t.

?! Don’t know how it got there in my previous post!

This isn’t going to turn out well, he’s financially abusive as well as a complete twat. Leave him. You will be so much better off without such a horrible man.

This is not just him being tight, OP, although, one of these days, hopefully, you will learn the valuable lesson to DUMP any tight fucker at the first opportunity, but this is financial abuse. This person sees his own child as entirely YOUR responsibility. He IS becoming financially abusive. And so you need to leave, not be looking for cheap nappies. He will NOT pay for his own child unless he is compelled to by the law.

Get another place to live now whilst you are still working, it's easier to rent whilst in work. And get rid of him. Don't take no for an answer and please, please, in the future, you just drop anyone who is tight.

This is financial abuse. I would be seriously considering if I want to continue in this relationship.

Omg, what a moron! You're not sitting around watching TV you're having a baby FFS. He needs to wake the fudge up.

You are not being unreasonable, if he's like that I would be leaving and applying for support for the baby, see how he enjoys parting with money then.

I agree with Drink, I would not give the baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate (because chances are, he will skive out of paying no matter what because he is an abusive cunt who resents even putting clothes on his own child's back). This will not get better. You cannot chat your way out of this because he's fundamentally abusive.

Come ON!! Seriously... why do you even think you are being UR? What exactly is he planning on contributing to his child/partner?

These posts actually make scream.. You are worth more than what your bollocks of a "man" can give you!!

So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work

Why would you be with or have a baby with someone so horrible? I feel so sorry for you.

I would leave now.

Assuming that it is his baby (and from the way that he is acting I am not sure whether that is the case?) then he is equally responsibible for the baby's care and meeting her needs. How is he proposing to meet that responsibility?

The only charitable thing I can possibly imagine (and this is stretching creduloity) is that it is possible that he is utterly naive and hasn't thought things through. I would start by sitting him down and asking how he is goign to meet his responsibilities for the baby's care. He either needs to do the care, pay to support you whilst you do it, or pay for half of the childcare (or a mix). If his answer is that you do all the work and meet all the costs then you'd be much better off without him and making maintenance claims instead.

He's being awful OP. It doesn't bode well. You need a long hard chat about it. Tell him you can not afford to pay 50:50 and tell him he'll need to cut his hours in half to allow you to work half time. Oh, and pay 50% of all childcare related costs. Alternatively, he can behave like any decent parent and work out how you share costs while you're maternity leave.

Or he could always leave.

But, if you stick with him and survive your maternity leave please do not fall into the trap that child related costs are solely yours.

Good luck.

credulity not creduloity obviously

This situation is not OK. Please let me tell you about mine.
I fell pregnant unexpectedly. OH wasn’t fussed so I gave him the option to leave. He did, then came back. He paid nothing towards my maternity leave. Nil, zilch, nothing. After 4 months I’d gone through all my savings and started in my overdraft. He couldn’t afford to/refused to pay for half of childcare so we came up with the plan he’d go part time and be a stay at home dad. My salary was enough to cover all bills. He lasted less than a month before it was all to hard and he went back to work Full time, without telling me! So I was then stuck with a full time childcare bill I couldn’t afford so I had to give up work and claim benefits. In November I found an amazing job with the kind of salary I can provide a lovely life for my son and full time childcare. We start a fresh life this weekend, in our new home, leaving now ex in a house share. My son is now 19 months and it’s been such a stressful time.
It is NOT OK OP. You must must must get this sorted before your baby comes. If you don’t he’ll always be the same.
My now ex partner used to check out financially and as a parent most days. It is not acceptable x

How committed a relationship is this and did he actually want to become a father? What are his family like? I think most people would be shocked at his attitude and I’d be making sure everyone knew this was what he was like - he could do with some social pressure. I think he seems intimidating too if he didn’t appreciate you making a joke of it- don’t keep quiet over this - he needs to see how unreasonable he’s being.
He sounds like an extremely selfish, immature and awful human being who isn’t ready for family life. The fact you are posting about this means you know deep down how terrible he is being. If I were you I would leave him and go it alone because he doesn’t value or appreciate you and it will only get worse with a baby around. The baby and all related costs including your maternity are a family responsibility not just yours, why does he think it’s acceptable that you make all of the sacrifices whilst things stay the same for him. 12 weeks is a short maternity leave as it is and I promise you it will not be a vacation and it sounds like he is resentful of you even having that - are you sure he even likes you?
There are partners out there who would treat you much better, and even being on your own has to be better than being with someone so awful!

This is outrageous OP! Why are you with this man?? What does he think his role is?
DH and I have a joint account, money comes in and is spent etc and anything left over is either saved or spent on something one of us wants. Neither of us are technically paying specifically for anything - it all comes out of a joint pot. I can't understand how he can think you should find the money to cover your half of things - what is he going to pay you for his half of the round the clock childcare? Even at £5 per hour that will soon add up.

And why isn't he going part time to cover his half of the childcare if that is to be covered by you whilst you also work? You are a team now and these things need to come out of a joint budget - everything goes in and whatever is left is either split between you or saved or something. Your baby is not just yours - he has a responsibility too!

Did he want a baby?

My sister had similar issues. Baby is just a year and my sister is now moving out with the baby as she can't cope with it anymore. She can afford to pay her own way but got fed up with having to when they are meant to be a family.

Cloth nappies work out cheaper in the long run but your main problem is your DP who doesn't want to pay for his baby.