Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

[Firstimemummy86]

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

I've just this out to my OH and he is horrified OP. He said no decent man would EVER treat the mother of their child in this manner, and he should be kicked out on his arse. Any money that you both bring in should be shared money. End of. He is being unreasonable and financially abusive. Do not stand for this OP.

If you're not married, financially you are stuffed. I don't know why you would actually plan a baby when not married, only been a couple for 18 months, and when you already knew he was selfish and tight. Sorry but it's very irresponsible all round. If it was a mistake, I could understand, but to actually plan to have a baby with him and without the protection of marriage? What were you honestly expecting? Too late for my suggestion of a termination but I would suggest you leave him asap. Did he 'plan' this baby, or was it just you? Because it doesn't sound at all like he even wants the baby, and hasn't actually considered or 'planned' the financial commitment for at least 18 years a baby is. His attitude from what you say seems to be a 'you wanted it, you pay for it' attitude where he doesn't consider himself a father. You made a massive mistake picking that deadbeat pos for your baby's father, but you can at least make a step in the right direction by leaving him now, before the baby is born.

However the money - stress and caring for baby is my responsibility and he’s made that clear

Fuck me.

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

This won't get better. Yes you're being very naive (said very nicely) - please OP, is it possible to just leave and have the baby back near your family?

GIVE THE BABY YOUR SURNAME!!!

• mainly because there is no way this relationship is going to last. 18 months is a short time anyway - too soon to really know someone. Well now you're getting to know him.

You will eventually split because of his financial abuse so save yourself and your baby a lot of heartache (and money!) by leaving now, getting set up nearer your family BEFORE the baby is born, and making a plan.

Please go home to your mother.
Let her look after you and her grandchild as she would be glad to have you both.
Be in your loving family embrace.
Enjoy motherhood wholeheartedly.
You and your baby are precious
*
*
Your "partner" / baby`s father does not treasure you and your babe within you.
Time to move on back to the bosom of your family.

I also showed this to DH, he has a couple of words for your dp, people saying how you got here isn't helpful, but go to your mum's at least for a bit, I hope you're safe

What Witsend wrote. Keep that in mind, BIG TIME!

I would advise you to bring up the cost of having a planned ( by BOTH parents) baby with your parents and his parents present, so that their reaction to his totally unreasonable demands impact on HIM.

Just say, 'I was chatting to DP about what the baby needs and HE said..well I hope you've saved enough cos I'm not paying' etc then go on to say 'he actually expects ME to buy everything as well as do ALL the childcare, but he says I still have to pay my half of the bills, rent etc, even though I won't be able to work !' What do you guys think ??

I'm quite sure he will make a total arse of himself, and come off VERY badly thought of by both his parents and yours. This will naturally lead to you moving home to your mums for proper support.
Make sure and tell him that he WILL be financially responsible for his child, whether he bloody well likes it or not ! ( I'd research what he is likely to have to pay depending on his earnings etc if you stay separated).

When the baby arrives, DO NOT give DC his surname, and leave the 'father' section blank. Then tell him and all the parents that until he steps up and behaves like a father, his child will not have his name or be on the birth certificate ! ( But he WILL still have to pay child support)

Bloody arrogant, ignorant, man child :(

Move back in with your mum. This is not how real men behave towards the mothers of their children.

@Firstimemummy86 He sounds like a right twat. To cut down on childcare costs maybe he should go part time. I wonder what he’d think of that?? I somehow doubt he’d like it as he clearly sees you as the little woman who’s in charge of the baby. It will be gruelling and relentless with a newborn, you’ll certainly not be sat down relaxing all day. What if they have reflux or something or want to feed every 2 minutes. He seems the type who wouldn’t help at night as he ‘has to work’ so you’ll end up on duty 24/7.

Not nice.

@nowayhose thats a really good idea.

I’ve rang my mum Upset today and she said just come back home whenever I want and she will help
Me get my belongings too and she won’t take any money off me for the house and I use my mat money for what me n baby need
She said it’s best I go home before baby is born too as it be harder when baby is born with him around
I said we be having our chat tonight see how that goes down COs I am going to say he needs to be looking after us and I shouldn’t have to feel
Guilty like I’m taking the piss out of him financially because it’s not about that I’d give him
My last penny but there won’t be many pennies left for what he will
Demand of me and I know I’ll
End up in debt - you always hear men say stupid things like All women want is your money but I have never ever been a gold digger or asked for anything I’ve always be self sufficient - until now my earnings are going to drastically change and my life’s changing
Yep I know I’ve picked a wrong egg (now) and only been together 18 months not got married but there’s not much I can do about that right now in my situation ☹️ I’m having a baby in a few months I got to think about my baby
It was a mistake choosing the wrong man I didn’t know he was a wrong man or it be this way he always said he couldn’t wait to be a dad I didn’t notice any changes in him til
I gotten pregnant sadly
Anyway I want to thank everyone who took the time to reply to me and given me so much helpful advice and made me think of things that didn’t even cross my mind ams that this isn’t what a new baby and new mother should be having to deal
With I had a feeling it wasn’t right - I’ve seen friends n family members with new babies and it doesn’t seem like their men were doing this to them or making them feel stressed about finding the same money as before
What a fantastic community MN is and thanks again ladies ❤️❤️❤️

Good update OP your mum is a goood one.

Thank you for your update; it's great that you have your Mum's support and she knows what's going on.

Good luck and enjoy being a new Mummy; I"m sorry this idiot has taken the shine off it. But he's really not treating you very well at all and you and baby deserve much better.

Oh OP, i feel for you. How awful, but your mum sounds amazing and you will be OK

Please don't waste your breath with a chat, OP. You are very vulnerable right now and this man is abusive. This is who he is. He has made that very clear to you and he always did, you saw as just 'tight', well, it wasn't. He's financially abusive. It is very common for men who are actually abusive to only reveal this when the woman is pregnant because he believes he has her trapped then. Or step up abuse.

And again, just stop with the trying not be to a 'gold digger'. HE is the one who is expecting you to hand over the maternity allowance you worked for via NI contribution and child benefit (which is for the child) so he can freeload.

You really need to get away from this man, not chat to him. There is no reasoning with abusers because they are not reasonable people.

Just plan to leave now, do not give the baby his surname or put this wanker on the birth certificate.

As pointed out, this is who he is. I know it's hard to accept but no amount of talk will change this or make him step up.

Plenty of us have seen this time and again on here. It's always the same. Abusers do not change.

Sadly us dm's are often right. Don't feel bad you picked a badun op. Your baby will have a fab dm and dgm by the sounds of it - do not feel pressured to put him on the bc or give his surname as I suspect he will try for.. Don't fall for the every dc needs the df on the bc. Every dc needs a stable life and yours will have one with you. Putting him in will have all sorts of legal implications you can do without right now.
Best wishes.

Good luck OP, you never know maybe he will fix up but its great you have a supportive family and options!

Thank goodness for your mum.
He is a bad man and has the potential to be very nasty and abusive.
Thank goodness you have the option to leave, not put him on the birth certificate and can hopefully have a safe environment for your baby.

Tell everyone who knows you, including his family EXACTLY why you have left.

He is absolutely scum and he needs to be shamed.

OP, despite how he may react to you telling him you will now be moving to your mother, I wouldn't believe any promises.

He has deliberately agreed to get you pregnant because he wants you vulnerable.

He has given considerable thought to telling you exactly what he won't do, won't help with, won't pay for.
He has done this deliberately to stress and upset you while you are pregnant.
To make you feel soooooo vulnerable.

I repeat...he is absolute scum.

I wouldn't trust him to do anything that a decent man would do.

Go to your mum and enjoy your pregnancy

Youre mum is right. Much easier to make major changes before the baby is born.

No matter what happens, give the baby your surname name.

You are not silly to have missed signs, so ignore those comments. Abusive behaviour is often not obvious until pregnancy. Just know now it will get worse.

OP if you do have a talk please do one thing.

Don't tell him you are thinking of leaving.

If you give him an ultimatum, he will pretend. He will see the danger signs and play you. He will promise to change, make the right noises and do whatever he thinks will shut you up.

Once the baby is born, you'll be stuck - see what previous posters have said about him being able to prevent you moving. Once the baby is born - he'll revert back to the person he is. Job done.

He's abusive, OP. If he weren't abusive you wouldn't be posting this. So you know already what he's like. A good man wouldn't be acting this way. He's not a good man. Have a talk if you want, but remember talk is cheap. But at the very least, don't let on your state of mind - that essentially you've woken up to him. Speak about what you think is fair and wait for his answers. But you don't actually need them. You've already seen his actions - which speak far louder.

Please leave before your baby is born and you are stuck. Have your baby somewhere safe (preferably at your mum's) because that will then be your home residence and he will not be able to prevent you moving/make you stay near to him.

Oh and please please don't give the baby his surname.

It's more likely than anything else that you may not even be in contact, or he in contact with the baby, within a year or two. You will be the one bringing this baby up - your surname.

If you leave him off the birth certificate, he won't automatically have parental responsibility. He will instead have to go through a process to be added, which will help you see how serious he is about being in the baby's life.

Remember - you can always go back. You can always try again. You can always keep talking.

But what you CAN'T do is get back those days with a newborn. You can't get back those early weeks, and so - choose a safe place, where you will have someone looking out for you instead of harassing and abusing you, and have your baby there. Go home, be cared for, give your baby the best, calm, stress-free start.

I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well

First and foremost, going back to work early needn't damage your bond. I had to go back full time after 10 weeks when my first was born (don't live in the UK - different rules, no maternity pay even, although this was some years ago) and I breastfed until DC was 13 months along with some bottles during the hours when DC was at the childminder's.

However, this is about where the good news ends in responding to your post. This is horrific. In the time when my first DC was born, I was also the main salary in the marriage, and with no maternity pay of any kind in my profession where we were at the time, we had to use our savings to pay for a lot of things until my 10 weeks was up.

BUT (and it's a big but) my DH was fully on board. He earned less than me at the time, but we were joint in everything. He woke up with me in the night when I did night feeds. He did his fair share of pacing round the kitchen table with a screaming 1 month old who wouldn't go back to sleep. He still went to work the next day without complaining. Money was never mentioned as being something that was now 'his' and no longer 'mine'.

You - to use the old mumnsnet phrase - have a DP problem. You need to feel fully supported at this time, not made to feel like a financial burden for a life you both created, not just you. He was on board when he was having a 'good time' making a baby - well, now he has to be on board for the difficulties, or he needs to accept you will go back to your family.

Look after yourself and your baby first and foremost. Do whatever you need to do.

Please don't let him talk you into staying. he has shown his true colours. If you stay and have that baby there, it will be harder to leave.

Go to you mum's. She's right. She'll help you. So many women on here have been there/seen this/lived through it ... be glad they're here to tell you what they see, what they know. Leave now!

OP- I read your post and did a huge sigh....... yet another man who is being financially abusive to his partner and child. This is a huge red flag.

This is not the behaviour of a loving, caring supportive partner and father. I could not live with him.....

Everything fizzy says, and your mum is spot on.
If he says he gets it and is a changed man please come back here op to consult as it’s so much easier to leave now, we’d hate for you to be sucked in by a few nice words that don’t mean anything. He would need to show it.
If gold digger comes up don’t get defensive and say I’m not - go on the attack and say you’re the bloody gold digger and a lazy one to boot! You don’t want to pay any more so you want me to have a baby and pay just the same as someone working while looking after it 24 hours a day- are you too stupid to realise with that setup there is no point having you around at all? You’re not going to be caring, you’re not going to be getting up at night, you’re not paying extra, you’re just a nothing and I and baby are better off without you.