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Original poster

Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

251 replies

Firstimemummy86 · 18/02/2020 20:21

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/02/2020 20:23

You need to stop thinking you are even slightly being unreasonable.

You need a long hard chat with him because frankly this is borderline abusive and if it is going to be like this I suggest you get out now.

Redannie118 · 18/02/2020 20:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

sallievp · 18/02/2020 20:29

" So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work"

Read this part then read it again.

NO loving partner would behave like this. EVER.

I would carefully consider my options.

Heygirlheyboy · 18/02/2020 20:30

Dreadful. I think this is a massive red flag and leaves you in no doubt as to how he thinks of you and your baby and why would that change? Very sorry op, that's a horrible shock for you.

Loli2 · 18/02/2020 20:31

"Have you saved enough?"

IS HE FUCKING JOKING.

Has he saved enough? If he wants to get into this tell him he owes you for loss of earnings plus childcare needs.

Tell him to wise up and unfortunately things aren't going to be split in half for at least 12weeks.

Unless he is taking 12 weeks paternity leave under the same conditions of course!

sallievp · 18/02/2020 20:32

You sound a very nice person who deserves better.

I wouldn't be looking for cheap nappies etc. I would be finding somewhere else to live and doing CMS claim.

This selfish tight abusive idiot has made my blood boil on your behalf!!!!

MissSmith80 · 18/02/2020 20:32

This is not ok OP, it took the 2 of you to make the baby and assuming you are going to both raise the child (being a single parent is very tough I'm sure but I might be considering it in your shoes), that includes financially supporting the 'family unit'. You need another chat with him IMO.

rottiemum88 · 18/02/2020 20:32

Oh dear OP, do you really need to ask?

sallievp · 18/02/2020 20:33

You sound a very nice person who deserves better.

Do you not think his behaviour is completely out of order??

I wouldn't be looking for cheap nappies etc. I would be finding somewhere else to live and doing CMS claim.

This disgusing selfish tight abusive idiot has made my blood boil on your behalf!!!!

Russell19 · 18/02/2020 20:33

This is awful! You are by no means being unreasonable. I really feel sorry for you. Hope you can get through this. Maybe sit and talk to him and explain he's got to pay more....

Pippinsqueak · 18/02/2020 20:33

You're not being unreasonable!

You should take as long as you want off and if you want to breast feed so it! It's cheaper in the long run and a great bonding experience

Being a mum is a full time job in itself.

He needs to wake up and smell the roses

Brickswithstones · 18/02/2020 20:33

"but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help"

Op, is he the baby's dad? Your whole post reads as if you think he'll be doing you and the baby a favour rather than, you know, just taking up his responsibility, like any responsible adult would do.

Tulipan · 18/02/2020 20:33

He is a knob. Was this a planned pregnancy by both of you? Have you considered you might be better off financially if he is no longer living with you? Might be worth running the figures through a few online calculators. Otherwise, he pays you for 50% (his share) of the care you are providing. Should give you a bit more money anyway. But he is a knob.

Whynosnowyet · 18/02/2020 20:34

Well you can invoice him for 50 % of the child care you will be doing for his dc..
Seriously tell him you have realised being single is more appealing both financially and emotionally so he can fuck right off.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 18/02/2020 20:35

Fucking hell, I’d cut and run right now. This won’t ever get better OP. Trust me.

Leave- get yourself set up financially as a single person before the baby is born so everything is in place. Stay with family if you have to but don’t stay with this man.

Embracelife · 18/02/2020 20:36

Why do you say
"his life isn’t changing at all" ?

It is
He is becoming a father
That means responsibilities
His share of baths winding nappies .he cannot breastfeed but he can do everything else.

Wallywobbles · 18/02/2020 20:37

Not any kind of ok. I'd turn this around totally and he'd be doing all of the parental leave and paying for it himself. Wanker.

whatisheupto · 18/02/2020 20:37

Oh my. Fucking awful. I would leave him TODAY. Or failing that, tell him he will be staying home with the baby while you work and he won't be getting a penny from you. See how ridiculous that sounds?
Please think about leaving OP. You deserve so much better.

ColaFreezePop · 18/02/2020 20:37

He currently isn't a partner he is a housemate.

Sit down and have a talk with him.

While you are off work or even if you go back to work, he needs to step up and also put more into the family budget. This means he has to pay for you when you are on maternity leave , pay part of the childcare when you go back to work, and also drop off and pick your joint child up half the time when they are in that childcare.

If he refuses to agree to this and then actually do this you need to leave him.

MagnificentDelurker · 18/02/2020 20:38

When someone shows you who they are believe them first time

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 18/02/2020 20:38

Im sorry you’re in this situation Op. Your dp sounds like a total arse. If you’re giving up work to be at home and look after your (and his!!!) baby, then he needs to put his hand in his pocket and support his family. This would be a major red flag for me Op. I don’t think I could live like this as I would have no respect for a man who shows me and our baby no kindness, empathy or understanding.

Techway · 18/02/2020 20:38

How long have you been together? His attitude is shocking and what is saying is financial abuse.

You would be better off as a single parent and him supporting you with CMS.

Do you have any family support, if so please let them know

madcatladyforever · 18/02/2020 20:38

He can fuck off and pay maintenance for HIS baby that you are carrying.I would not be able to forgive this and it would be the end of the relationship. Does he actually want this baby?

category12 · 18/02/2020 20:39

Christ dump the fucker.

Batqueen · 18/02/2020 20:39

Either he treats you with the respect you deserve as his partner and shares his money with you

Or if you are two entirely separate financial entities, he pays you 50% of the cost of full time childcare. He doesn’t get to have it both ways.

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