Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

[Firstimemummy86]

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

I think you need to understand that this is who he is. He's not going to change, he'll never be a parent who will share the load. He'll expect you to do and pay for 100% of the child-related duties/expenses, even when you go back to work. And whilst you're on mat leave, he'll also expect you to 100% of the housework, too (if he doesn't already).

Is this really what you want? IMO you'd be much better off on your own as a single mother. At least that way you wouldn't have him dragging at your heels and the crushing resentment that goes along with living with a father who won't lift a finger.

He sounds awful. He was part of planning a baby yet doesn’t seem to think his life should change at all. It is quite frankly a bizarre attitude.

I would get some prices for local Nurseries and Child Minders for when you go back to work to prepare him for his 50/50 share.

I would like to think when your baby arrives he will have a complete change of heart, but it is pretty unlikely if this is his attitude to a planned pregnancy.

This is probably one of the worst things I've read on mn in a while. He's being beyond unreasonable for all the reasons pp have mentioned up thread.

This is not normal or acceptable. Honestly, leave him. I always see people on mumsnet advising people to leave relationships and sometimes think it's harsh but not in this case.

OP you do need to have the chat tomorrow and like everyone else I don’t think this is going to end well . I think you need to think very carefully if this is the type of father you want for your child . This should be the most wonderfully exciting time not the stressful financially exploitative situation you now face. You deserve better and so does your baby

It chills me that you are so apologetic about this. This is his child - half the costs are his. Your body, your work all takes a hit for this ans your partner should celebrate this. Either he does or leave. There is no point to a shit partner - you want one that loves you not one that sees you as a burden. How dare he. There will be other things up with your relationship or you would be incandescent with justified rage. Don’t let him erode any more of your esteem.

leave. he will never change.

go on maternity leave, stay with your mum and dont look back.

perfect opportunity to start again. hes an idiot.

I would sit him down tomorrow and say you'd like to talk through the practicalities that need to be sorted now. So:

1. list of what needs to be bought for the baby e.g. car seat, cot etc.
2. what childcare will be needed when the baby is old enough, whether he will be cutting his hours or doing compressed hours so he can do his part of the drop off and pick ups etc. What the costs of this will be. TBH you need to get your name down for childcare now anyway so you are on waiting lists.

I would just assume in that conversation that he is paying half of all those costs and doing half of the practicalities. I wouldn't ask him or say that you can't afford to do it all. It is just a basic expectation, you are both equally for the baby's care and needs.

It may be that the practical side will wake him up to the reality that he has to step up. More likely he will kick off and then you have your clear answer and can plan from there.

Does he know people with babies?

Nah lv u need 6 month u will regret it otherwise prob get depression and nursery fees. I'd tell him your off move in with mum get maintenance and claim working child tax or universal credit

He’s acting like this baby-his baby as well, is some kind of expensive hobby you have decided to take up. What if you, or the baby are ill after the birth and you can’t go back to work as soon as you have planned for?
Even if he reluctantly accepts he has to pay half the childcare/nappies/clothes/cot/buggy/car seat/ food whatever for the baby. You know he is going to grudge every penny, want to see receipts, get the cheapest of everything not what you might like to get and basically resent your baby for costing him money.
Do you want to live like that? Do you want to raise your child in a home with a dad who resents every morsel of food he/she eats?

Jeez OP, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN

Go to your mum's, claim child maintenance and don't let anyone treat you like this again.

I left an abusive ex (with the support of MN!) a few years ago. I had two young chn at the time but honestly, it was so much easier on my own.

There's a sense of peace when it's just you making the decisions and I highly recommend it.

he did say he can’t do night feeds as one of us has to go to work

And how is this your problem, if he has made clear any money earned is solely his? Why should you facilitate him working?

^^
THIS from pp - that sums it up!!

My exh was a bit like this. I stuck it out for 10 years and I was utterly miserable. Leave now op, while you still have your sanity

What Across said. He won't change. He resents any infringement on what he sees as all his. What's his is his, and what's yours is his, too.

This is just awful.

When a baby comes along you need to be sharing finances to ensure neither partner is better or worse off than the other.

It was at this point my DP and I got a joint bank account as he was the higher earner and I was on statutory mat pay only for 9 months.

Your DP sounds very unkind and financially abusive.

Wow. This is so bad :( I’d say to get out now. It will be harder to leave when the baby is here. I can’t actually believe what I’m reading! You know this isn’t right!

Frankly I'd be moving in with your mum now and hit him with full CMS. This is his baby as much as it is yours - he has to pay his way and support his child. You say he's been different since you got pregnant - with a planned child no less! That bodes ill. This relationship has no future.

Sweetheart. I say this as gently as I can.

His behaviour IS abusive.

Financial abuse is a type of domestic abuse and is taken as seriously as any other kind of abuse.

He is beginning to show you his true colours because he perceives you as "trapped". You are not trapped. You do not have to remain in this situation. There is free help available for you and your baby.

You say you want to have time to breastfeed and bond but he is denying you this.
Preventing a mother from breastfeeding her child is abuse as well.

You are worth more
Your child is worth more

Has he saved money too? Why is this on you?

He does realise that at 12 weeks when baby is in childcare so you can work he is responsible for 50% of the cost of this - well I think you should pool your income but I things are different when you aren’t married. Proportional contributions seem the fairest.

OP please move back to your mums BEFORE the baby is born. Once the baby is born, he can make moving back to where your support is very difficult.

So what’s his contribution to his baby?

You really need to get away, now.

He's got you trapped, and is starting to apply the thumbscrews.

When people show you who they really are, believe them.

You might be able to short term fix this as follows but it's not good news overall and you're going to have to stand up for yourself in your relationship.

Work out 50% of the costs for everything you ...food, bills, baby stuff, insurance and when it comes to it childcare. Insist on that amount being transferred to your account each month (adjust if he's paying some bills direct) Child benefit and mat pay both make up some of your 50% because they make up for lost earnings but you may need to make the gap up from your savings. Do not back down on this. Write it on paper if you need to and hold your point that 50/50 is fair (if you earn and contribute about the same....or adjust to reflect the gap if you don't).

Then, work out a 50/50 work share plan for parenting while working including days off for childcare, night duty, weekend s. Same for housework. If he's not keen on 50/50 then offer to adjust the finances to reflect so he pays more to make up for your reduced time available for work. This one is more difficult to make happen but at least you'll have given it a try.

1. ( and this is the hardest part that you might not see coming) prepare for him to continue to short change you and your child in cash and commitment, and kindness because he has clearly shown you who he is and selfish rarely changes.

Sorry not to be more positive. I had exactly the same conversations when I went on mat leave, from the use your savings right down to the explanation that night feeds wouldn't work for him because he needed sleep more than I did.

Good luck and take care.

Make him explain his position. Who pays for the baby? Who looks after the baby?

Great if he goes to work, but if it's not to support his family then that's no good to you.

If he can't see that he is being unreasonable then leave. He won't get any better.

Why is he bringing a child into the world? What’s his view of parenthood and his role in raising a child?