Partner being financially difficult - 1st time parents to be

[Firstimemummy86]

We have a baby due in few months time
I’m self Employed and I plan on taking only 12 weeks off when the baby is born - I wish I could
Take more as I really wanted to try breastfeeding and bonding well
The pressure is mainly coming from money/ partner. He earns ok money not low not high and I was similar we have always paid bang on half everything rent bills food shop so there be no arguments. So he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work - I know I get maternity allowance and child benefit and this just covers my half rent n bills and leaves me with £13 a month for food petrol my phone bill direct debits whatever baby needs 😢I’m stressing out now I do have a little bit of savings £1200
He does earn enough to cover us with money spare but his life isn’t changing at all and his job etc doesn’t change - he is basically saying he’s not contributing anymore than he is paying now when baby is here - please tell me am I being unreasonable? I mean he can take all the maternity allowance I get and child benefit it’s just once the savings I saved are gone they are gone - when I go back to work it won’t be as many hours as I used to do either my business has to change and I have to rely on childcare too which sucks and hasn’t been spoken about if that’s half each either
I don’t think he be happy joining our finances either and likes it separate but I’m terrified I may need to lean on him and hel
Just see Me as a freeloader
I have tried to discuss things and made a joke about ‘getting the rent book out on the labour ward’ but it didn’t go down well 🙈
If I’m being unreasonable please tell me I am or give me some tips or ideas to be super good with money - I’ve got no debts thank god and whilst pregnant have given up
Going out and living lavish no holidays maybe a take away every 4 weeks
Petrol costs me a fair bit but that’s for
For work and I got my car to pay for which still
Needs paying for when baby is here
Luckily been given loads of second hand baby stuff and charity shops I’ve found things too I don’t need to buy anymore baby essentials luckily
Where is the cheapest place to shop for nappies and do many people use the cloth nappies does that save money in the long run ?
I know my fella is tight as a frogs arse but I think he sees having a newborn as having a vacation
I don’t want to fall
Out (or fall into debt) but I think he should step up a bit and understand we might need his help 😢
This is horrible after always being so independent and is only thing I’m stressing about during my pregnancy xxxxx

Did you discuss finances before getting pregnant?

Maternity leave is initially to recover from birth.

You might not be able to drive for the first month if you have a c section.

You will have a temporary drop in income due to caring for your child. So should he.

Have you talked about childcare costs?

He's very unlikely to change OP and it will be more stressful when the baby arrives

@DrinkFeckArseGirls if the OP and her housemate aren't married then unless he comes with her to the registry office with the correct ID, he can't be put on the birth certificate.

Even if he isn't on the birth certificate he has to pay child maintenance if they split, and it is very easy for him to apply to court to get parental responsibility. Though the latter would cost him more money than a copy of the birth certificate.

Tell him that's fine but you will be invoicing him for the costs of you providing 24/7 childcare.

But, if you stick with him and survive your maternity leave please do not fall into the trap that child related costs are solely yours.

OR cut your hours to accommodate him. You'll wind up homeless on Universal Credit because he's abusive.

Was it a planned pregnancy?
Did you discuss finances before TTC (if planned) or after finding out you were pregnant (if unplanned)?
It just seems strange that you are only just discovering his arsehole attitude about maternity leave and money.
"he’s saying I hope you got enough savings for when your off work because I’m not paying your half for you to sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work"
Someone who can come out with corkers like that was surely not a respectful partner, willing to give support as well as take it, to start with?
I'm assuming this is just one example of how much of a twat he is.
So LTB.
Visit or contact citizens advice for advice on your housing options and benefit entitlement.
Give the baby your surname, not his, and make sure the fucker pays child maintenance.

These kind of threads make me so mad. It is abusive. You wont ever win with this kind of person. Go back to work full time and he will say you should be at home with the baby. Stay at home with the baby and you're not contributing. You need to sit him down and have a frank discussion with him. Are you married? Joint mortgage?

Omg girls thanks for all your replies this is my first ever post in mumsnet ❤️
We been together about 18 months in our thirties and baby was planned - our families are thrilled but my family live away 5 hour drive away
Never would have I really considered this abusive tbh I’m
In shock a bit - I am very naive I guess

We were fine, chilled out couple before I got pregnant and since being pregnant things have been different but I did put it down to us both being anxious
I jus thought really he was being tight so he always made sure he had enough money for himself kind of thing
I do feel
However the money - stress and caring for baby is my responsibility and he’s made that clear - he did say he can’t do night feeds as one of us has to go to work 😒which did piss me off COs I’m not a kept woman so to speak! I’ll be paying half
I’m
Going to have a good chat tomorrow about what our family needs and I’m
Not taking the piss freeloading or asking the earth and it’s normal what he should be doing xxxxxx
Thanks guys so much easier than talking to family / friends about this I’m so glad I reached out tonight

If this chat doesn't go the way you want is it feasible to move back home to your family for a bit?

@Standinguptononsense private renting and not married xxxxx

@TheQueenBeyondTheWall yes if we split I can go to mums no problem she can’t wait for baby she be glad xxx

I'm assuming this is just one example of how much of a twat he is.

@AnotherEmma is right.

@Firstimemummy86 Can you think of any other charming gems of comments he's come out with over the years? Or other annoying behaviours.

If that's his attitude then charge him half the going the rate for looking after HIS child! Seeing as having HIS joint child is stopping you from going out and working. It's not like you have a choice now is it?!

he did say he can’t do night feeds as one of us has to go to work

And how is this your problem, if he has made clear any money earned is solely his? Why should you facilitate him working?

Oh lovey honestly I could thump him in your behalf

Of course yes being unreasonable!! Does he not know any men who are fathers? Does he think men don’t pay anything towards their children or do nothing to help parent them?

Honestly I would be seriously reconsidering your marriage because although I think you should talk to him, I don’t think he’ll change :/

Sorry just seen you’re not married - do not put him in the birth certificate!!!

sit at home with a baby all day whilst I go to work my God, if it is so fucking easy why doesn't he take some parental leave for a lovely break from work

You could suggest that.

He is being a twat. This is his baby too, he needs to pay towards everything the baby needs, that would include you as you are the one looking after him/her.

This is disgusting behaviour from a father to be, why does he think the care of the baby is solely your responsibility? Why wouldnt he want to look after his baby? Dh used to prise Ds1 out of my arms the second he got through the front door after work. He would chat to him about his day whilst going into the kitchen and making me a cup of tea, without being asked. He's a keeper. Married 20+ years.

As you’re self employed can you move home and get family to help and claim from him-that sounds like the only way he will pay for his child...

caring for baby is your responsibility
paying for baby is your responsibility

So ..what exactly is his role?

Kick him out

We were fine, chilled out couple before I got pregnant and since being pregnant things have been different but I did put it down to us both being anxious

No, it's because it's very common for tight and other such behaviours to become abusive once the women is pregnant. And this is no exception.

You can chat from now until the world's end, he fundamentally sees his own child as entirely your problem, expects YOU to facilitate, financially, him and then you think you're a freeloader? This is how far he's already manipulated you, OP.

Think about it, he's told YOU you're 'sitting on your arse all day' whilst he, the Mighty Peen, toils in the mines whilst YOU are still paying half of everything? Who's the freeloading pisstaker there? And he expects YOU to cut your hours yet pay for half of everything and all the baby's needs?

He's a cunt, OP.

There's being tight and there's being a cunt and he is a financially abusive cunt.

This is abuse. He either needs to make a massive turnaround or you need to leave

In my mind you have two choices

1. he agrees to cover your expenses of having a child indefinitely. You should both have the same amount of fun money and savings. This is forever. Your earnings 20 Years from now are impacted by having a baby now. It will only exacerbate unless he truly covers half of all child rearing. So night wakings, doctors appointments, sick days, remembering to buy new socks, knowing what size those socks need to be.
2. you leave

If you do split his outgoings will double and he’ll have to pay maintenance.

No way.
Leave. You'll be doing it all alone anyway and he is NEVER going to change. Twat.