No sex in marriage.

[Savemefrommyself]

I feel like it’s getting to breaking point.
I’m in my mid 30s, dh 10 years older, been together for 16 years.
The sex has never been brilliant, maybe at the very very beginning but quickly slowed down, we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time. We didn’t have sex until we wanted to try for dc1 and got pregnant the second cycle. We then didn’t have sex again until he was nearly 4 and we wanted dc2 - that took much longer, about 18 months. After dc we didn’t have sex again for over three years and in the last twelve months we’ve had sex five times.
Dh has never wanted to give or even receive oral sex. It’s always the same. A few minutes kissing and him touching me and then into penetrative sex and then over. Maybe fifteen minutes start to finish? Neither of us instigate it really, although I guess it’s been him that has on the occasions over the last twelve months. Me maybe once.
We get on ok, we don’t do much together, I feel at the point where I’ve checked out. I don’t know if there’s a way back or if I want there to be a way back. I’m here for the children mainly and because of the upheaval.
However I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t feel I can talk to dh about it, I don’t feel we are close enough. I’ve asked him for oral sex a few times and he’s said no, which is fair enough but it makes me feel disgusting. He only seems to want penetrative sex, in the missionary position. That’s it.

I’m you!! Actually, I’m the older you! Im 47 but nothing here either and age gap is the same. I’ve not had sex with him for 10 years. I am attractive! Always getting compliments from other men. But, in my case, I don’t find my husband attractive. It’s no life and I have become miserable over the years.
This summer is when I end it!

Absolutely snap! I feel as if I'm selfish for finally realising the value of passion and sex and affection, but honest to god, how long do you let a dead marriage continue because you don't want to hurt anyone? I also get attention from men, and am actually a sexy fun person, if I do say so myself! I've always been shy and quiet and a bit nerdy, but recently it's hit me (at last) how vital being wanted is. And I need that. FFS! Lets all just run for the hills! There's so many of us here who feel trapped. Lets escape!!!!!!! x

I feel like I’m too young to just say that’s it. No sex for the rest of my life.

It’s no life and I have become miserable over the years. This summer is when I end it!

FFS! Lets all just run for the hills! There's so many of us here who feel trapped. Lets escape!!!!!!!

Right on, sisters!

Can l join in? Roughly same ages as you OP, 15 years together. No sex for 4 years now, nor any affection

I’m the other end of this journey. I made my escape 2 years ago and am now in a wonderful, healthy, emotionally attached relationship. We have sex all the time and it’s gooooooooood!

It’s just so hard when I don’t want to hurt dh and I have little children. I just feel like - there must be more than this?

we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time

I'm sorry what?!

Listen. If you are married and want and need to have sexual intimacy and you bring up the issue and your OH does nothing to address it, doesn't go doctor, doesn't go counselling, doesn't talk or talks and then does nothing BUT can manage to 'do you' when they want a baby. That is Emotional abuse.

They see you suffering, losing confidence feeling undesirable and do nothing. It's cruel. It's also a bait and switch if they were up for it before getting married but then mysteriously find it all too taxing after the rings are exchanged or the full quota of babies have been supplied.

If you tried your best to address it and struggled for years then you should feel no guilt moving on. People don't often get married to be intentionally celibate.

It’s not so much that as I feel so distant from dh now that it feels weird discussing it. We are so not used to having sex that even kissing feels too intimate. In fact kissing feels more intimate than sex.
Neither of us have really tried to instigate it that much - it’s like a weird unspoken agreement. I’m not sure how we ended up here.

We are odd in that even at the start our sex life was pretty crap, I think.

I absolutely mean no offence at all but I'm going to say what I'm thinking and that Is, is he maybe gay?
And I am truly sorry if I have offended you even though I really don't mean to!

I wondered the same too bigamama.

I don’t know. I really don’t think so... but who knows. There’s no suggestion he is. I’ve wondered about asexual? Sex drive doesn’t seem that high.
I worry that when the children are grown it’ll be awkward. We do hug sometimes, but that’s about it. We haven’t been out as a couple just us in over 4 years.

Well I don't know if your DH is gay but he certainly isn't normal in a sexual sense. You do not have a complete relationship, he should not refuse sex for years on end without any obvious reason. Guys in their 40s are still well young enough to be having active sex lives.

If it feels weird even to discuss this with your DH then the outlook is not good - sex is an important part of a relationship and you should be able to discuss it in the same way as other important aspects - kids, money, etc etc. You need to make clear to him how neglected you feel, but this has gone on for so long now it may be hard for him to change.

I am in the same boat too ... about to hit 14 years of marriage and no sex at all for 6.5 years. Our children were conceived through ivf as he has slow swimmers. I too though he was gay, and still do in some respects as her perves on guys at the gym and when on holiday. I just try to ignore it. We seperated for 6 months about 4 years ago, which was awesome for me and my boys, but he begged me to come back so I did and nothing has changed. I wish every day I had stayed apart and by now the kids and I would be established again. He also has a horrible temper and is terrible with our kids putting them down all the time, yelling at them for no real reason. I am really just waiting for him to go too far with his anger / raging behaviour so I can ask him to leave. Until then I am just keeping the peace, putting all my energy into work and the kids. Sometimes I leave the house without my wedding ring on - feels so liberating!

Had a sexless marriage for many years - you sort of end up accepting it as the norm and yes I agree it gets too far down the road to even talk about it . Now I am remarried and sex and the closeness that it brings is just amazing . My children from my first marriage rarely saw us kiss or cuddle . Talk about it or time to move on . Do not do this for the rest of your life !

I often wonder if my dh is gay too. . . My mam thinks he is. I know this is a sweeping generalisation but he did grow up in Brighton. . . . But also, he seems a bit homophobic, in that he 'disagrees' with things like gay marriage and tuts at stuff like gay pride etc, which to me could be him trying to suppress something???? I've told him I don't have any sexual feelings towards him, which I thought would be a really big deal and make things come to a head, but he totally accepted it and seems to be happy just to carry on as we are, because he's 'used to it.' He doesn't even look at porn. He'd rather stay up late at night watching Newsnight or Question Time, or re-runs of the election results ffs! He claims that it's my fault we don't have sex, and thinks it's because I'm just not a very sexual person, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't want him. But flippen heck I want someone to want me!!!!! So, there's only one obvious solution.

Same boat. Had a thread earlier regarding about it.

@Bearski77, yes. Let's do that!

It's not just about the lack of sex, it's the general sense of disrespect and no acknowledgment of our needs and no desire to address it.

@TheStuffedPenguin this is the same for me - my two boys have never seen their mam and dad kiss or hug or anything. They have literally no exposure to grown-up relationships as we don't even see anything like that on telly or in films, and I don't want them growing up not knowing how to have their own relationships :(

Yes to kids not seeing a normal relationship.
My ds told school mum sleeps on the sofa and dad in the bed

He actually slept on the sofa. His excuse was that I'm too sexy to sleep next and he can't get a decent nights sleep

Ladies, I hear you! This was me! Married 15 years and no sex for 7 years! I initiated separation last year, he finally moved out in Jan this year after burying his head in the sand, but it feels great!
Yes, it’s hard work working, with 3 children and no family support but I don’t regret it at all!
You can do it! Life’s too short!

Same boat.
11 year age gap. We've been together since I was 18.
I think it's because he likes 'younger' women 🤢
I cried when I fell pregnant from the one half hearted time we DTD on honeymoon. I thought how I wouldn't even get the chance of regular sex for a bit to try for a baby.
I'm late 20s now and full of bitterness and resentment, but still here.

Also my parents are in a marriage where I never saw any affection between them, not even a hug or a a peck on the cheek. Maybe that's why I've settled for this!

@littleyikes, you're still so young. Don't lose hope. I'm not one to advise to leave because I haven't done it so it would be hypocritical but I would say don't let him manipulate or use sex as a tool.

Sex is a right. Yes he has a right also not to have sex but you have the right also to have it in a long term relationship. If he isn't willing, or in my case not capable, then you have to think long and hard about your future in the relationship.

Lemmavabru that is the best excuse I’ve ever heard!

I’m another one in the no sex boat albeit not as long as you guys above but it’s defo heading that way. Nearly been a. Year for me, I have stopped instigating it because he always shuts me down so it’s not worth feeling rejected. Excuses are: kids are in the house (asleep in their bedrooms), tummy ache, feet hurt, tired.

I remember the last time we had sex which was July 2019 and I know the exact date I fell pregnant (16th March 2019).

Like most of you I don’t even bother addressing it anymore. Don’t even bother asking. I am starting to miss my younger day’s with precious partners where I would go and buy some sexy lingerie and WOW them in the bedroom. Sometimes I think about surprising him with some lingerie but I honestly think he would blurt out some crap and I don’t think I’d be able to take another rejection and feeling stupid.