No sex in marriage.

[Savemefrommyself]

I feel like it’s getting to breaking point.
I’m in my mid 30s, dh 10 years older, been together for 16 years.
The sex has never been brilliant, maybe at the very very beginning but quickly slowed down, we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time. We didn’t have sex until we wanted to try for dc1 and got pregnant the second cycle. We then didn’t have sex again until he was nearly 4 and we wanted dc2 - that took much longer, about 18 months. After dc we didn’t have sex again for over three years and in the last twelve months we’ve had sex five times.
Dh has never wanted to give or even receive oral sex. It’s always the same. A few minutes kissing and him touching me and then into penetrative sex and then over. Maybe fifteen minutes start to finish? Neither of us instigate it really, although I guess it’s been him that has on the occasions over the last twelve months. Me maybe once.
We get on ok, we don’t do much together, I feel at the point where I’ve checked out. I don’t know if there’s a way back or if I want there to be a way back. I’m here for the children mainly and because of the upheaval.
However I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t feel I can talk to dh about it, I don’t feel we are close enough. I’ve asked him for oral sex a few times and he’s said no, which is fair enough but it makes me feel disgusting. He only seems to want penetrative sex, in the missionary position. That’s it.

Feeling sexually frustrated is so frustrating!

I was naive and didn't understand why I didn't feel happy in a long term pretty much sexless relationship even though I was adored by him.
Anyway we broke up for different reasons, when I met someone else quite a while later I realised what had been missing. Sex is wonderful. You shouldn't be deprived of it if you miss it. Within the parameters of a loving relationship.
It's your call OP and others.

I’ve been there

No sex for 7 years. I wasnt even frustrated by it - I didn’t fancy him, the last times we did it, it felt like a chore. I thought I was some weird asexual person who just didn’t give a fuck about sex.

Finally found out he cheated. I then went out and randomly fucked a guy whilst working away.

Oh. My. God.

We’re separated, but for various reasons still living together (him in spare room). From that one night in the Far East, I gained an international fuck buddy who I see every 4-6 weeks in random places in the world and have an amazing couple of days.

I’m not ready to move on into a relationship. But Christ, having someone actually give me the right sort of attention kinda flicked a switch in my head.

@08ImRealHonest if you're happy with that it's great.

It sounds like you were young and very inexperienced and he was older and set in his ways.

If you want see if there’s an opportunity to have a sex life with your H you are going to need to be very explicit as to what your needs and wants are. He then can see if he’s willing to compromise.

I suspect your H has a lot of sexual hang ups to unravel with he’s going to be very reluctant to work through, that’s why it’s imperative that you communicate clearly what the consequences for your relationship if he doesn’t to try.

You’re right, life is too short but you might have to accept that this is as good as it’s probably going to get with this man.

For me I'm the one that doesn't want it. I'm 32 dh 40, been together 8 years with two kids and dtd less than 20 times since meeting.

I'm not gay or asexual! I just don't want to do it. I've been to a counsellor and a psychologist thinking I was wired wrong but have just accepted it's not necessary for me. I've always been this way so whilst my husband probably feels dejected he knows no different.

If that makes our marriage "just friends who are co-parenting" then so be it but sex isn't essential for a lot of people.

There are other ways to feel confident and attractive.

@Chouxalacreme

TBH I think men use looks, or the lack of them, as an excuse to cover their own lack of desire.

If I want sex it's a biological need, it's not because I think my DW looks particularly attractive at that moment, I don't care what she is wearing or if she has a new haircut. It's my need for satisfaction that drives me, like @kellyhall said , the itch has to be scratched.

@flutterby31 do you know how your DH feels?

@15Anothernick
Wtf? Is that ok with DW? Just because it's ok with you? Supposing DW isn't fulfilled as in needs the itch scratched and you are just a selfish wonder, how do you expect that to work?

@Hopoindown31 he doesn't mention it. We cuddle and kiss though.

Looking back, I married my DP because felt would b left on the shelf. Sex life has always been unfulfilled. DP would obv want much more but lack of ability to be sensitive emotionally has numbed me over the years alongside on occasions feeling coerced to avoid rows or other repercussions and have flashbacks to particular situations which I can block mostly. I would not care and in fact hope I dont have to have intimacy again. I realise we stay together because he is worried he'd lose a lot of money if we divorced. Having stayed this long just another few years and our children will be independent, I can access my pension and at long last, if I have any mental strength left, leave. He too will be free.

@flutterby31 doesn't mean he is happy. Might be worth checking in on him if you care about that.

@Hopoindown31 thank you for your input however weve been this way since the day we met. If he wasn't happy he wouldn't have entered into the relationship or a marriage. We're not abnormal; sex just isn't a binding rule in our relationship.

Hi- this will be long but hopefully will make sense.

I’ve recently turned 42, been with dp for 12 years, he’s 43. We have a dd together and I have a ds from a previous relationship.

When we met he seemed sexually very inexperienced, put off having sex for a long time which I thought was odd and he was ok with everything else. Sex life has always been a bit crap to be honest and very infrequent, dwindling to twice last year. He is on antidepressants following his dad’s death and I think they have worsened the situation. He is also reluctant to communicate in general which has always been an issue for us.

Last Autumn I met someone on social media and got talking. We live in the same city and messaged a lot and I really liked him.
He also told me how he has a ridiculously high sex drive and nobody could keep up with him

We met several times and then I ended it with dp. He didn’t seem a bit bothered and continued to live here and go about daily life as normal while I was seeing the new man.

New man did indeed like sex but he was also very selfish in the bedroom and wanted to see me all the time which wasn’t possible.

To cut a long story short, we were together just under 3 months and he was talking long term- moving in, holidays etc but it was just talk to me. He loved oral sex on him but never did it to me, not once! He was happy for me to cook for him, pay for stuff and be his sex buddy but kept me a secret from his friends but I did meet his family. It just felt wrong and he was starting to really annoy me so I ended it.

My friends were gobsmacked that I did this because he was surely the answer to my prayers- except he wasn’t. He was selfish, greedy, tight, manipulative and I started to dread seeing him, knowing that as soon as he got what he wanted, he would lose all interest and just watch football on Tv.

So I’m back to square one again, nothing has happened between dp and I. We sleep apart but live in the same house and co parent.

I’ve seen what it’s like to be wanted, desired etc and sadly it didn’t work out with him but the difference in me over those 3 months was astounding. I made such an effort with my appearance for example and have let that drop. I feel really sad that there are so many of us so unfulfilled and feeling unloved.

I have felt emotionally starved for ages and also receive lots of male attention. I know for sure that I will end up seeing someone else at some point but will make sure that I don’t feel used.
I am convinced dp is asexual. Or gay. He’s definitely something and I feel like I’ve wasted so many years. Love to all

Op, you say that you've never had much sex in your relationship, that neither of you really initiate it but that he has done over the past year and that you don't talk to him about this - maybe he is feeling like you are? Could he think that you don't want it and so doesn't want to ask? It may be that he doesn't want it or has hang ups around it but really until you can talk about it you can't begin to know how to fix it or even if it can be fixed.

What made you continue with the relationship and get married if it has been like this from the start?

@Anothernick

And I've never touched a blue pill

So what ? You are one of the lucky ones then that a medical condition doesn't have the side effect of ED ? There seems to be this assumption that blue pills are some kind of bad thing and that you go about with a constant erection. This is so far from the truth but they do enable men to have a normal sex life in these circumstances . It's certainly not something to put a man down for . It would be like a woman boasting that she has never taken HRT but wait...yes you get them too ...

@Anothernick

Urrghhhh I've just read your following post ...

If I want sex it's a biological need, it's not because I think my DW looks particularly attractive at that moment, I don't care what she is wearing or if she has a new haircut. It's my need for satisfaction that drives me, like @kellyhall said , the itch has to be scratched

You sound like a real prince .

Together 26.5 years, married 21. I remember DH telling me we were too quick to sleep together, he could have waited (DTD after 2 weeks, we were students), sex was not frequent, but regular-ish pre marriage. Didn't DTD on wedding night as he was too tired and didn't DTD on honeymoon. DH only ever wants to be on top and get it over with as quickly as possible. Had 2 DC but in the end had fertility treatment as he found it hard to do it more than twice during cycle. Not DTD for 10 years.
He has told me that he's just not like that and not that into sex and can take it or leave it. I asked him if he has ever self satisfied himself and he said no.

When I met DH (I was 23) I was sexually experienced and told that encounters with me were a bit wild. I've always been told that I am really sexy. I have 32G boobs FFS. I have been told many times that I am beautiful and I still am told this at 49. I only bring this up because even though I get told this still, I feel so utterly, utterly unattractive and undesirable. I too can't be bothered to do my nails, put on makeup, wear nice clothes because my DH doesn't want me. Deep down I ask myself if he just doesn't fancy me and would he be like a dog on heat with a red head of someone with smaller boobs.

Here is the thing now. My marriage is on the rocks as he is now questioning our relationship. Apparently there must something wrong to have not slept together for so long. He says it has been so long now he doesn't know if he can rekindle it. He is blaming his lack of sex, his low libido....on me! My worst fears may come true. That nagging self doubt about...is it me? Am I undesirable?..may come to be true.

I have young DC so can't leave at the moment. Sometimes I wish he would have an affair so I could kick him out without guilt. I feel jealous for a few seconds at this fictitious woman but then picture her sitting up in bed thinking what I too thought 26 years ago..."was that it? Is he tired or is he shit in bed?"

I’m in similar minus kids but same ages in late 30s. I am fairly sure he has ASD, he is almost accepting he does now - comes with a lower drive or need for intimacy and his sensory issues compound that. He doesn’t like being touched, flinches when I touch his arm etc. Could your guy be on the spectrum?

He is blaming his lack of sex, his low libido....on me!

My heart goes out to you FruitCakeCentral.

Please consider ypur options. You seem to be well and thriving physically at 49 BUT menopause could be around the corner (if it hasn't hit you already) and you may or may not get through it well. I myself am not yet there but already experiencing problems associated with hormonal disruption, and believe me it can affect your sense of self and sexyness further. If you feel unattractive now dispite being well, consider how you might feel then. And how resentful you might be. Women go through mid life crisis also! (Sorry to be bleak)

It's a bitter pill that ontop of this, he's now blaming you after 2 decades when he could have done something! The cheek. He sounds entitled, self absorbed and selfish and possibly going through a mid life crisis himself.

He's behaving very cruelly. You might want to prepare yourself financially in case you change your mind about staying.

Can I join? No sex for six years, married for 11. Or sex life was good initially but was kinda killed off by children and has never recovered. No affection here either. We have talked about it and he said he would do better but it hasn't improved. I don't want to split up but can't live like this forever either. Great to find others in the same boat. It feels very lonely usually as you assume everyone else is ok.

I think people are being too hard in @Anothernick. It's perfectly normal in sexually active ltrs to "scratch an itch". When my DH is sitting there watching tv in his trackies and stubble, sex isn't a great romantic affirmation of the wonder of our love. It's just, well, scratching an itch. But in the long term, enjoying sex without analysis must be good for our relationship overall.

Misty very interesting what you said about ASD. I am utterly convinced dp has Aspergers. My ds (16) has it and they’re like 2 peas in a pod even though they’re not father/son I can see so many similarities and have read about it extensively since ds was diagnosed aged 8.

I myself am going the link the process of being tested for ADD at the age of 42, lots of us slip through the net.

It’s funny you mention men being gay. I think my hubby has gay tendencies but he denies it strongly. He has never had a high sex drive, never looks at women but always goes out with his 3 single train spotting mates without fail every Saturday.
We haven’t had sexual in 10 years. I can’t stand him near me now and the age gap is a problem.
I even found myself reading up on morning sickness medications taken by women in the 60’s as it can cause this. Hormonal treatment back then suppressed testosterone in developing males. I’m convinced he must be one of these men as he was born in 62. His sister is older and, she too, is strange. She became a nun but left after a few years. She has never had a man!!! To look at her she has a manly appearance...big hands and male face. I am sure their mother took something when she was pregnant but she is RIP so I can’t delve.
I want to end this marriage!!! It’s dead.

I am running a parallel plan b incase his blaming game ends up in an affair.