No sex in marriage.

[Savemefrommyself]

I feel like it’s getting to breaking point.
I’m in my mid 30s, dh 10 years older, been together for 16 years.
The sex has never been brilliant, maybe at the very very beginning but quickly slowed down, we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time. We didn’t have sex until we wanted to try for dc1 and got pregnant the second cycle. We then didn’t have sex again until he was nearly 4 and we wanted dc2 - that took much longer, about 18 months. After dc we didn’t have sex again for over three years and in the last twelve months we’ve had sex five times.
Dh has never wanted to give or even receive oral sex. It’s always the same. A few minutes kissing and him touching me and then into penetrative sex and then over. Maybe fifteen minutes start to finish? Neither of us instigate it really, although I guess it’s been him that has on the occasions over the last twelve months. Me maybe once.
We get on ok, we don’t do much together, I feel at the point where I’ve checked out. I don’t know if there’s a way back or if I want there to be a way back. I’m here for the children mainly and because of the upheaval.
However I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t feel I can talk to dh about it, I don’t feel we are close enough. I’ve asked him for oral sex a few times and he’s said no, which is fair enough but it makes me feel disgusting. He only seems to want penetrative sex, in the missionary position. That’s it.

Don't just settle!
I settled for years, ex never wanted to do anything with me (literally)
I thought he wasnt interested so we just plodded along.
Then I found out he'd been having an affair for years!
Kicked him out 3 years ago and have now found the love of my life. Have never felt so loved.
Feel sad I didn't end it years ago!

I didn’t realise that this would be a problem shared by so many. I’ve been with my H for 20 years and married 15. Our sex life has been an issue for nearly 15 years!! He had no sex drive for the longest time and since youngest DC was born a few years ago, I stopped making any effort to initiate it. It’s ridiculous and I regret marrying him.

It’s soul destroying to feel so unwanted and unattractive. Like some of the other PP wrote above, I know I’m attractive to other guys, but obviously not to the one I married.

I was just thinking that we’ve probably had sex maybe 15 times in the last decade!! And 3 of those times I miraculously got pregnant.

I actually asked him if is gay a couple of weeks ago (when the news about PS came out). He acted offended, but I don’t think he actually gave a definite no.

I’m feeling quite angry and resentful about the whole thing at the moment. What a waste of my youth! The consolation is our beautiful DC, I suppose. They’re wonderful.

I don’t know if others on this thread feel the same, but the idea of being intimate with him now makes me feel a bit gross. It strangely seems a bit inappropriate. I suppose we’ve crossed over into a platonic sibling-like relationship of co-habitibg. Annoyingly he still wants a cuddle and peck on the lips every day, wants to have date nights and writes romantic cards and gives lovely presents etc for birthdays/valentines. It’s a puzzle!!

@raeleem6

Yes I totally get you! It would just seem wrong to be intimate now and like I’m being intimate with a really good friend and I’d probably feel awkward after it’s done!

I know, mine got me flowers and a card for valentines and i didn't take them from him. What's the point?

@Heartburn888, it's laughable isn't it? The real issue is he has ED and instead of adressing it he just seperated himself from the bed.

I have been married for 24 years. Have got two gorgeous DC nearly grown up. Sex has never been frequent and has seemed like something he has put up with rather than participated in. Just over a year ago he announced that sex was no longer something that he was interested in or needed. There was no discussion. What really annoys me is that he still wants to sit on the sofa holding hands or will hold my hand in bed like we are brother sister. I am 53 and probably too scared to do anything other than sit it out. But the thought of another 25-30 years like this makes me cry.

It’s so upsetting and infuriating. Such a shame we can’t start an actual club...a bit like the Bette Middler film “first wive’s club”, but for those wives needing a good seeing to 😂🍷

I’m actually a bit fed up of hearing from good friends (especially most recent NCT group) who get pestered by their amorous husbands. I’m totally jealous, but actually too embarrassed to say that mine actually couldn’t give a crap 😕

Same boat
ED for him here. He’s 50
Am I right in thinking this is common in this age of men ? 45 onwards ?

I'm with you all. Been married 18 years and the affection and sex is none existent. Did it probably once last year. He is s not affectionate at all. Prefers to sit on his computer or phone not really talking to me. Doesn't cuddle me ever, my children notice and I try to hug him and it's like hugging a lamppost! I've given up trying, it's sad I shouldn't have to put up with this but I just don't know what to say or how to sort it anymore.

Another eye-opening thread. Just recently I was shocked how many people were saying their man needed viagra to get it on, now I'm shocked how many people are saying their man can't get it on at all, or doesn't want to.

Makes me realise how lucky I am, with the same woman 30 years and, apart from the immediate aftermath of childbirth, I could count the weeks in which we have not had sex on the fingers of my hands. And I've never touched a blue pill.

Humbling.

Hmm, wonder if there's any link to reduced sex drive in men and oestrogen in water/prevalence of the pill from the 70's onwards. Just a random thought.

In my mind a marriage without sex is not a marriage.* It is just two friends co-parenting and sharing economic and emotional resources.

If it were me, I'd try and talk to him about it - maybe get some counselling. But, at the end of the day as sex is important to me if we couldn't find a happy medium between us in terms of frequency, variety (positions, types of sex) and passion/intimacy, I'd call time on the marriage because it was no longer a marriage.

• this does not apply in situations where sex is not possible due to untreatable medical conditions, but certainly applies where there is a treatable medical condition that one person refuses to get treated for.

@RaeleeM6 yes, I feel really awkward with any (rare) affection. I love the idea of being desired, and since I'm not desired by him, it's a complete turn off. I would cry at it all before, now I'm just numb to it.

He's a 'performance affection-ist' so he gets oddly touchy feely around family and friends. I flinched away instinctively at a hand on my lower back, because... well, no one ever does that to me! 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm purely here for my DC, and the fear of what would happen if I went.

Sorry, I realise I've only been dealing with this for a decade, I know others have been suffering longer, I just can't imagine the next 20, 30 years like this.

Just over a year ago he announced that sex was no longer something that he was interested in or needed. There was no discussion.

This is simply selfish, disrespectful and cruel and you ought to be angry about it. For a partner to unilaterally withdraw sex completely with no discussion is a clear signal of how little your feelings matter and little respect they have for you.

I have no idea why people who know they aren't bothered about sex or have a preference for their own sex get married. It is an incredibly selfish and cold thing to do.

If I don't have enough sex, I get very angry and upset at the smallest of things. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched!

My dh will say he's "too tired", for months on end. Every once in a while I get naked and stand in front of him until he does things to me - how romantic and dignified 🙄

I'm so glad there are other women who are going through the same as me. I was starting to think I was some sort of sex pest!

I wonder if the answers would be different if a man was complaining about his wife not wanting sex...

Chouxalacreme
No it’s not common, rare probably.
Im 49 and no issues but I do keep fit, one marathon a year etc.

@Chouxalacreme - 45?! No, not normal. These men (or women) who choose to shut down such a major aspect of the relationship unilaterally are deeply selfish. I don't think it should be explained away by age. Life is too short to live in such a way.

But there are so many like us on here ? I don’t understand . And just think I’m fat and ugly and not attractive to him now .

I don't think you can put it down to looks etc. I've been with my partner for close to 20y, and we have a good, regular sex life. Based on.my experience, in a long term relationship, I don't think you take much notice of looks (unless a special effort has been made/something significant has changed). I would bet most of the men discussed here are asexual, gay, have unresolved sexual trauma or untreated sexual dysfunction.

These men (or women) who choose to shut down such a major aspect of the relationship unilaterally are deeply selfish

I don't think someone can help it if they don't want sex, can they? I suppose they could give their partner a hand or something.

@Chouxalacreme The older they get the more common it is, esp. over 50. But in my experience it's not usually down to age. I've had a lot of bad luck - or I hope it's luck

You go back through history, you'll see male aphrodisiacs have always been some of the most sort after magical remedies. I don't think this is anything new. Although male libido is on average stronger than woman's, popular culture still tends to exaggerate how high it is.

What I mean is, they shouldn't commit to a relationship if they are not into sex (but their partner is), then withdraw sex once their lives are intertwined, DC born etc. If they go off sex, they should at least discuss with their partner/seek medical or therapeutic help.

For some reason I’m awake in the middle of the night thinking all of this through. It’s really annoying me that I feel this way.

I’ve just realised that because he makes me feel so unattractive, I’ve actually stopped bothering to make myself feel attractive. I can’t remember the last time I went to have my nails done etc.

So my pledge to myself is that I’m going to make myself feel attractive again. Starting today, I’m planning to cut out the office biscuits (it would be great if I can drop 7-14lbs so my clothes fit better), then I’m booking into the hairdressers, a waxing appointment and for a mani/pedi. Then I’m buying new clothes. I’m quite excited to have a plan for myself 😊

I do know none of this will rectify the sex situation and actually I don’t think I want to engage with him on that level. But I do know that I can do something to feel like the best “me” again, rather than feeling ugly and undesirable.

And on that note, hopefully I can get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Thanks OP for starting this thread. I feel like a bit of weight has lifted 💐