No sex in marriage.

[Savemefrommyself]

I feel like it’s getting to breaking point.
I’m in my mid 30s, dh 10 years older, been together for 16 years.
The sex has never been brilliant, maybe at the very very beginning but quickly slowed down, we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time. We didn’t have sex until we wanted to try for dc1 and got pregnant the second cycle. We then didn’t have sex again until he was nearly 4 and we wanted dc2 - that took much longer, about 18 months. After dc we didn’t have sex again for over three years and in the last twelve months we’ve had sex five times.
Dh has never wanted to give or even receive oral sex. It’s always the same. A few minutes kissing and him touching me and then into penetrative sex and then over. Maybe fifteen minutes start to finish? Neither of us instigate it really, although I guess it’s been him that has on the occasions over the last twelve months. Me maybe once.
We get on ok, we don’t do much together, I feel at the point where I’ve checked out. I don’t know if there’s a way back or if I want there to be a way back. I’m here for the children mainly and because of the upheaval.
However I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t feel I can talk to dh about it, I don’t feel we are close enough. I’ve asked him for oral sex a few times and he’s said no, which is fair enough but it makes me feel disgusting. He only seems to want penetrative sex, in the missionary position. That’s it.

@FruitCakeCentral I have worked really hard to do nice things for me to get through this few years
I go away with my girlfriends at least one weekend a year, try to be social and catch up with friends regularly as well as run and set targets for myself to reach
It makes it a bit more bearable!
I just feel sad so many are in the same boat but I do think as pp said it is a symptom of something not being right in a relationship
I feel I have lost all intimacy which makes it hard to even trust him to tell him exactly how I feel
I have told some of my family how miserable I am with mixed response but I know they would support me
Financially I would be ok I have a good job an good prospects
It's the fear,the untangling of lives and uprooting the kids that feels impossible even though I know it's not

I haven't read the thread so please forgive if I step on toes.

I'm 59 - I put up with similar for decades until we split 3.5 years ago. It's the best thing that's happened - but I just wish, wish, I had the guts to leave earlier - If I knew what I know now - that I could survive and actually feel so much better - i would have left in a heartbeat.

This will not improve. You can't solve it. It's actually a manifestation of deeply embedded self hatred on his part, but he probably has no access to this.

The way out is through the door.

Every time I go in the kitchen at work, the most appropriate song comes on the radio. Yesterday it was Break Out by Swing Out Sister, and today this from The Beautiful South...

I want my love, my joy, my laugh, my smile, my needs
Not in the star signs
Or the palm that she reads
I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
Not in the next life
I want it in this
I want it in this

Feeling your pain in a way in similar situation and I’m asking the same questions.

The guilt about leaving is part of what makes it so wrong. It is gaslighting 101. That's why I refer to it as abuse.

It is neglect first of the person, then of the marriage

It is massive gaslighting. ' Everything is fine. Everything is good. There's no major problem. It's just you. You would be crazy to 'throw everything away' just because of sex. Sex is no the be all and end all. You are being selfish. Why are you expecting more. Of course I love you.. La la la.....'

It is trivialising your emotional and physical needs. It's not the sex perse, it's what it means in the context of the marriage and that is important.

Of course children's stability is always a good reason to compromise, but if you decide differently, then do not feel guilty or let other people make you feel you are being shallow every other form of neglect is taken seriously.

Same here - but a man.
Everything that has been said above I feel the same.
I couldn't bring myself to upset the Kids by selling the house and disrupting their lives more but without that my only option is to move back in with my mother, at 49!
I cant imagine many women finding that attractive!
"So where do you live?"

"Oh with my mother"
"I'll just get my coat"
But 10+ years of having my hand slapped away if I even try for a cuddle and screwing her face up like she's sucking a lemon if I go in for a kiss is killing me and making me increasingly resentful of her.
I think we are heading for an ultimatum soon.
My 50th coming up in a few months seems to be a line in the sand I have mentally drawn.
Trouble is part of me thinks it all too bloody late now anyway!

So all of you guys do your share of the housework etc.? Maybe they are just touched out?

@saucy99, LOL.

I'm glad I joined this thread as it has reminded me that he's the one with the problem, not me.

Honestly, the shit I've had to put up with in my life. I must be majorly resilient.

What @CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate said - 100%

Apart from separating, does anyone have any advice on this?

I can't afford to leave, it would break so many people in so many ways.

We have sex about 5-10 times a year and generally only after I've made a bit of a fuss about it.

We had sex once on our honeymoon but only because I made a fuss. We didn't have sex on our wedding night.

Sex dwindled after about the first year together. We have now been together 18 years.

He has body hang ups, he doesn't have the biggest penis (big enough but I know he is self conscious about it). He has a tight foreskin which causes it to be quite painful at time (refuses to talk to doc as thinks he will have to have surgery).

It causes me upset, I always had quite a high sex drive but now it has dwindled too due to not getting it.

He isn't adventurous in any way, I can't touch any part of his body other than his penis as he gets ticklish.

I cannot leave. So many reasons why not.

So, counselling? Any books he can read? Test for low testosterone? Any ideas?

I don't think he is gay. He has grown up in an environment which would have made it very difficult for him to come out, so it's a difficult one. He's not camp, he's into his rugby etc.

Everything else about him is great. He is the most genuinely lovely guy. An amazing dad too.

I cannot believe I have happened upon this thread. My DH and I are both 58. Under to enjoy a very active sex life. 5 kids in 6 years and all that entails slowed it down considerably but no we haven't had sex in more than a year. Maybe 2. He is kind and affectionate. Sometimes I don't think I can stand it anymore, but
other times I'm ok with it.

Leave and find a man that lights your fire, life is so short to be living like this

FoxRedBitch

The fact that sex is painful for your DH is surely the most important issue to consider before looking into things such as low testosterone? Even if you sorted out all other problems he's not going to want to have sex if it's painful is he?

He should really see the GP about it because it could cause him complications and ultimately, even if he's recommended to have a circumcision, the final choice will be his. Maybe reassure him of that fact and see if you can encourage him to go just for an initial consultation?

If you leave your marriage because of lack of sex, what do you tell the children?

I think all other people need to be told is you were no longer compatible

One thing others don’t always mention be it make it female is how built up resentments can affect libido too, be it those who stayed with partners following ONS or affairs or finding out about massive debt or gambling or porn habits etc. It’s often not that difficult to ‘continue’ on for practical reasons, but your heart doesn’t always feel quite the same on a sexual/romantic level. The problem is the partner who was the one with the issues often expects everything to go on as before if the marriage doesn’t implode- and that includes sex.

People always come on these threads with their good ideas, but really they are totally naive, in fact ill-informed.

If a women has a low libido, no or very low sex drive, even the GP and referrals can do very little to help.

I’ve read a number of these threads over the years - and they resonate with me so much.

Married for 19 years, together 24. Sex life was never great and essentially always initiated by me. 3 kids - got pregnant first time with each so in 19 years I’d guess we had sex maybe 20 times?!

The feeling of rejection and worthlessness is so toxic. It’s eaten away at my self-esteem. I can remember sobbing in the bathroom floor of a hotel on my 40th birthday - another doomed “mini-break” where my husband refused to touch me.

I’ve mentioned at various times to him how this sexlessness was destroying our marriage. That it was putting me at risk of an affair. He always promised to do better. I’d go through long phases of just thinking I could live with it - but like others said it became so awkward, the elephant in the room.
Last summer, a combination of mid40s hormone surge, 7 years of no sex at all plus no emotional intimacy, combined with 2 bereavements created the perfect storm and I had a short affair. I know the moral stance of MN regarding affairs but I genuinely don’t feel guilty. If one partner unilaterally removes probably the most fundamental aspect of what separates marriage from all other relationships in their life - they have fundamentally broken their marriage vows too. And this applies to both men and women in my view.
Obviously it would be much preferable to leave the marriage.
Ironically, during the affair I gained the confidence to tell my H that the sex issue was now a make or break situation. And he did manage to initiate sex and we had some decent(ish) sex. This is known as “hysterical bonding” apparently as the low libido partner is trying desperately to get you to stay. But to be honest - the damage is done and years of sexlessness mean I no longer fancy him and find his touch (which is a bit like a painter slapping on a coat of emulsion - lacking in any sensuousness or real passion) off putting now.
I ended my affair because I knew it wasn’t fair on my H (obviously though I haven’t told him about it though he may have guessed). And also I was so damaged by a lack of affection that the necessarily limited aspect of an affair just wasn’t making me happy - as lovely as it was to feel attractive & wanted. I’m well aware that a far better route is to end the marriage, take some time on my own and then try and find a healthy & passionate relationship.

But I’m struggling largely because I know that no matter what I do it will hurt my children massively and my H for whom I still have a lot of platonic affection. He’s a good guy but I think unable to give physical affection really - probably somewhere on the spectrum.

I blame myself for marrying him. I wish I’d left when I was younger. I’ve read the book Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay which has a series of questions. One is “when it was at its best how good was your marriage”. In our case - it was never ever passionate. It’s silly to think it can ever be. I don’t want duty sex. I don’t want to be a chore. I just don’t know what to do - but in my heart of hearts I know that the thought of living like this for the next thirty odd years fills me with dread.

(Apologies to those affected by infidelity. I know that’s shit behaviour but I am being honest in saying I don’t really feel that much guilt).

@HaggisBurger why should you blame yourself for marrying him? People change- for better and for worse. Who’s to say that even after a wobbly start, you and your H might have gotten better together sexually? I had an affair too- no regrets- and I admitted it which ended my marriage. Again, no regrets because the children could see we weren’t getting on. My exH was happy with things just as they were but I was miserable: we’d go for 3 years at a time without having sex. I couldn’t live like that. He rejected couples therapy and I didn’t see how our “marriage” was valid without the glue of sexual intimacy. The children have adjusted. My affair lasted 5.5 years but was long- distance and didn’t last but now I have a wonderful partner who is very loving and very sensuous. He’s widowed with one child and all the children get along great. My exH is into his third relationship ....though he says he only likes the first 2 years of being with someone (he should have told me that before we married!) and after the first 2 years “all women are a pain in the neck”. The problem wasn’t me, it was him and I’m glad for myself that I got out. My children are happier because I am happy. Life is too short! If you enjoy and need a sexually active and loving relationship whereas your H isn’t at all bothered, then why stick around hoping he’ll change or you’ll adjust? It’s a no brainer.

@haggisBurger @paris14eme
This is what I'm worried about, that after years and years of rejection and crap sex that, no matter how much I tell myself that I'll be ok, I might end up having an affair. But I really din't want that.

OP, I went for years without sex when I was married. I didn't leave XH because of that (I left him because he was abusive), but by the time I left him, I hadn't had sex or even touched a man for about 8 years. I thought I just wasn't interested.

I then met someone else, and realised I had been mistaken, and that I was very interested, with the right person.

If a women has a low libido, no or very low sex drive, even the GP and referrals can do very little to help.

That depends. Especially where women are concerned. Hormones are a major factor of the entire fertility cycle and that includes sexual desire and periods through to carrying a baby successfully. Something like underactive thyroid can demolish libido. I should know, I had it undiagnosed since I was in my teens. At 30 I was suddenly unable to experience an orgasm. I orgasmed, but without pleasure at all. A very weird feeling.

Got treated but my libido isn't back full whack but not enough to cause an issue and I am a touchy person so any contact is up my street.

So something like that could be a factor. But I mostly agree that if a person hasn't been interested in years - honeymoons etc -then it's very unlikely to ever improve.

I had a happy, healthy sex life when first married but due to a combination of DH’s ED and loss of libido due to AD we only DTD twice last year and the previous couple of years were probably the same.

DH does make an effort to ‘scratch my itch’ once a week but I can do nothing for him in return.

We don’t share a bed anymore either but do still have the occasional kiss and cuddle. I do miss the intimacy but so does DH

@CressidaCrisis Has your DH gone for treatment for his ED? If viagra doesn't work, the NHS might give someone a pump. You can also get the pumps on lovehoney etc. They're pretty failsafe, maybe.