No sex in marriage.

[Savemefrommyself]

I feel like it’s getting to breaking point.
I’m in my mid 30s, dh 10 years older, been together for 16 years.
The sex has never been brilliant, maybe at the very very beginning but quickly slowed down, we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time. We didn’t have sex until we wanted to try for dc1 and got pregnant the second cycle. We then didn’t have sex again until he was nearly 4 and we wanted dc2 - that took much longer, about 18 months. After dc we didn’t have sex again for over three years and in the last twelve months we’ve had sex five times.
Dh has never wanted to give or even receive oral sex. It’s always the same. A few minutes kissing and him touching me and then into penetrative sex and then over. Maybe fifteen minutes start to finish? Neither of us instigate it really, although I guess it’s been him that has on the occasions over the last twelve months. Me maybe once.
We get on ok, we don’t do much together, I feel at the point where I’ve checked out. I don’t know if there’s a way back or if I want there to be a way back. I’m here for the children mainly and because of the upheaval.
However I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t feel I can talk to dh about it, I don’t feel we are close enough. I’ve asked him for oral sex a few times and he’s said no, which is fair enough but it makes me feel disgusting. He only seems to want penetrative sex, in the missionary position. That’s it.

I asked mine to leave but he went sobbing to my family and made me sound unteasonable for making him leave. When I explained it was affecting my mental health they said 'what about his mental health?' I didn't know what to say to that.
It felt like he had a million reasons to stay and mine was just my mental health which I should get over if I was a bit more grateful for the things I have. Plus my kids lives would go upside down blah blah. So bascially my family, although sympathetic, weren't really on my side. They don't k ow the whole truth though. Too embarassed to tell them.

I also wish he would just leave. But he never will. Having kids means I'm tied to the house and can't leave myself. Such a conundrum. All I can do is sit and wait for the situation to change...

My stbexh was not that keen, was content on a few times a year .

New dp is much keener, a few times a week! That's more like it

Yes they were: joint names. To be honest, having warned him for years and years that I was miserable in a sexless marriage, him walking out of couples counselling three times etc etc, I finally put my money where my mouth was and took a much younger lover (like, he was 25 to my 42- wow! what a sexual renaissance that was!) and 5 years into that my ex- husband finally moved out. It wasn’t easy....he liked things as they were (of course) but I’m so much happier. The kids live with me. Good luck.

Had a low-sex marriage and sexually uninterested husband for 6 years. It wasn't the reason I left but I think it's the issue from the marriage that has left the most scars on me - my self esteem and identity as a normal, desirable (?) woman. It can really chip away at your confidence. I don't think it is something that can be improved if even talking about it seems weird.

Those of you that have left marriages, or plan to leave, but have found new relationships - are you not worried that you might go off sex yourselves at some point and then find your new partners leaving for pastures new? So many posts on MN about women who have gone off sex and how unhappy the husband is. Always those threads are full of " he's so selfish, you aren't there to be his sex toy, tell him to sort himself out" type comments.

Hearhooves no. I left a sexless marriage because sex and intimacy are vitally important to me. Whatever hormonal challenges lay ahead, I'll still have that basic belief, interest and skill set and know lots of women who enjoy an active sex life well into their 70s. I don't see why I would be any different!

The risk you take isn’t it hearhooves. My brother left his wife because she went off sex and wouldn’t do anything about it. She was devastated and couldn’t understand it and her life has been changed completely by it as they sold the house and she now lives on her own. She just wouldn’t discuss it though. Basically said I don’t want sex anymore and he was expected to just accept that. He decided not to and it’s caused an absolute shitstorm for the family as the kids were older and have taken it really badly as they don’t know the real reason.

@Bearski77 @Hearhoovesthinkzebras @lemmeavabru
I am perhaps lucky that he finally left. My family of origin don’t speak to me because they think it’s all my fault and no, I don’t think I’ll ever go off sex and I’m peri menopausal but never in better shape (I wear patches- they’re brilliant). I’m 49 now. Wish I’d been free of exH sooner to be honest. No sex on wedding night, once on honeymoon.... he actually said:” I don’t need to make any effort now.... I’ve got you and you’ll never divorce me because you’re Catholic” (he’s not). How wrong could he be?!?

I had very low sex falling to no sex with my late husband. I loved him so much and we got on so well that for a long time I turned a blind eye. He said I wasn’t interested but he had issues around sex, he didn’t enjoy it much and had a low sex drive. He also developed ED which he wasn’t prepared to do anything about and just said I needed to lay off and it would be ok. I was reaching the point where much as I loved him and everything else about our relationship was really great I was going to have to make some tough decisions. He was diagnosed terminally ill and that really put paid to worrying about sex. I just didn’t want to lose him

I am now seeing someone new, also widowed and we have really satisfying passionate and frequent sex and I’ve rediscovered a part of me I thought was lost forever. Whether this relationship goes anywhere I don’t know at this point but I do know that I won’t be in a sexless relationship again.

are you not worried that you might go off sex yourselves at some point and then find your new partners leaving for pastures new? So many posts on MN about women who have gone off sex and how unhappy the husband is. Always those threads are full of " he's so selfish, you aren't there to be his sex toy, tell him to sort himself out" type comments.

But it's not just being less interested in sex. It's the refusal to do anything to address it.

It's the watching your partner become a shell of their former self and deliberately pushing them away and shutting down any conversation about it; pretending not to notice and be oblivious to their attempts to turn you on, get your attention, hide their sexual frustration (doing this by 'falling asleep' at the pivotal time or feigning deep concentration in TV program or hobby) then making abusive and personal comments about their lack of sex appeal, and why you don't find them attractive, ensuring they feel like shit and have no confidence to leave and not taking any responsibility for your part in the problem or your partners happiness at all. That is sexual neglect, emotional abuse and controlling.

Being less interested but doing all you can to communicate and address the issue is a different scenario.

And MN can have a gender bias which is to be expected I suppose, so take those responses with a bit of salt.

@bluejuicyapple that's wonderful that after all that suffering you finally found happiness.

I totally understand for a man or woman to leave the relationship because the other partner just plain would not be intimate or couldn't. It is important, not for everyone but I would say most, as I understand from a religious perspective is that you get your needs fulfilled in a marriage.

Also totally understand that some couples go through a dry spell, and if the love is there they can hopefully, at some point rekindle that again. But when there's no hope of it ever fixing itself you have to rethink the whole relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to play wifey, be supportive and the other aspects of marriage, if this, and in my opinion, vital part of marriage isn't there. The marriage is dead.

I just had a good cry, not necassarily about this, although it is always at the back of my mind, and just realised that the more I let my emotions out the stronger I feel afterwards. Like I can face things.
Hopefully I will get to the stage where I will be strong enough to leave.

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate

I just am not so sure that it's as easy as just doing something about it though. Reading about the difficulty many women have to get hrt, let alone the correct hrt, the fact that Viagra is rationed on prescription, might not be suitable for everyone etc. And do any of those solutions work when the physical side is ok but the desire has gone due for example to medication?

Those of you so certain that you will never lose your libido can't be sure that you won't get put on a medication that kills your libido.

It's also interesting that when the points you raise are mentioned by a man he is labelled a sex pest on MN, yet if it's a man who doesn't want sex then he's abusive, unfair, should do something about it etc.

@SylvanianFrenemies

Exactly, desiring sex is unconditional in a strong relationship, it does not depend on whether your partner looks especially attractive or makes a particular effort. I would find it humiliating for my DW if she felt she had to do anything out of the ordinary to make me sit up and want to sh*g her, I want her as she is, I do not make value judgements about her looks or desirability.

And @Monty27 of course I don't get the itch scratched if my DW doesn't want to. But over several decades we have come to know each other very well and i usually know when not to ask. She asks for her itches to be scratched in the same way that I do - we are a couple, asking each other for sex is a normal part of our life.

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate, some of us on here have been going through this for 5, 10, 20 years. If a man was going through something similar they do get the support.

From what I've read on MN it's usually because there are other things in the marriage that are not being addressed or the woman is suffering from some sort of postnatal healing etc yet the man still feel they should be entitled to sex as often as they want. That is different. I can't speak for these women personally, just my own experience.

@34Anothernick. Actually that's a really good arrangement; a mutual understanding.

I’m sadly joining this group
Sex once or twice a year now but apart from the very start of our relationship has always been minimal once in honeymoon
We have spoken about it in the past he always says he wants it tells me I’m beautiful but never really shows this and never initiates
Even planned a week away for a big anniversary and challenged him to have sex every day ! Not once 😢
I’m so tired of trying and being turned down that I am now at the point where I don’t want it with him now either but still have a sex drive feel youngIsh and sexy (40)
Good to see I’m not alone but also depressing to know others living like this too!
I love him but it feels like I live with a good friend not a husband!
Same feelings of guilt and shame that I could consider breaking up my marriage and kids lives to have a fulfilling sex life .

You see, as Takethegirl says, it's not as easy as just leaving. I've told my family how unhappy I am and one of them ( a man, surprise!) had a go at me for rocking the boat and wrecking my DCs lives. If I ended it there is a chance that my DC will turn against me, which would kill me. What am I going to say " your Dad hasn't touched me or said a nice word to me in 12 years and we are now going to live in a small house and you can't do your hobbies any more".

For me it's either no sex, feel alone and have low self esteem or no sex, DC potentially blaming me, all the hard work I've put into house, life, kids imploding. I feel trapped, but this won't last forever. He'll either leave or I'll leave as soon as my DC are a bit older and finished exams, got p/t jobs. It's not a life sentence, more couple of years jail term. What I need to do is fill those 2 years with good stuff for myself so I can leave with my self in tact rather than in a straight jacket.

@FruitCakeCentral and @Takethegirloutofscotland This is where I am too. How can I break up a family and home just because I'm not getting any sex (plus affection and fun and all the other things you'd expect from a loving relationship)? I think the guilt would outweigh and happiness I found for myself. Therefore in total limbo. I am so scared that my boys will see me as the bad guy for not wanting their dad there anymore, I'd hate our relationship to be less close than it is now, they're everything to me. But having said all that, my family totally support me. They know how unhappy I am, and have said they know I'd be happier on my own. I think it would be the total opposite from DH's family.... And same with the house, it's me who has built the home as it is, I don't want to have to just walk away.
Such an impossible feeling situation :(

@FruitCakeCentral, I like the image of a few years jail sentence rather than a life sentence. I hope that when my children are older they will be empathetic for my reasons for leaving; that there was little to no love in the relationship.
I also hope ir doesn't affect our relationship.

So sad isn't it. Me too. Life has its compensations but I do so wish this was different

So shocked by the sheer numbers on here where husbands are not interested in their wives/partners. It's sad. I always thought it was mostly the other way round after many years together but that must just be a cliché. All power to you girls don't stay where you're not desired. Life is too short.

Only read part of the thread so far.

But this was also me. No sex for 10 years (tbh it was more me), too awkward to discuss, zero affection.

I'm the other side too as I just became more and more miserable and the whole household was miserable. We split, I'm now divorced and with someone else and it's just amazing! DP and I have a great sex life where I can't get enough of him and we talk about anything and everything openly.

I always recommend people split in these situations as I think they are signs that the relationship has long run it's course and usually the only reason people are still there is because of children and finances.

It’s sort of reassuring to see so many of us on here. But really it just feels so sad.

Is there any hope that identifying a cause and treatment, eg testosterone therapy or counselling, could work? Any success stories??

Or are we resigned to a choice: stay for the kids and companionship, or leave for the hope of better?