No sex in marriage.

[Savemefrommyself]

I feel like it’s getting to breaking point.
I’m in my mid 30s, dh 10 years older, been together for 16 years.
The sex has never been brilliant, maybe at the very very beginning but quickly slowed down, we didn’t even have sex on on honeymoon and I was only 22 at the time. We didn’t have sex until we wanted to try for dc1 and got pregnant the second cycle. We then didn’t have sex again until he was nearly 4 and we wanted dc2 - that took much longer, about 18 months. After dc we didn’t have sex again for over three years and in the last twelve months we’ve had sex five times.
Dh has never wanted to give or even receive oral sex. It’s always the same. A few minutes kissing and him touching me and then into penetrative sex and then over. Maybe fifteen minutes start to finish? Neither of us instigate it really, although I guess it’s been him that has on the occasions over the last twelve months. Me maybe once.
We get on ok, we don’t do much together, I feel at the point where I’ve checked out. I don’t know if there’s a way back or if I want there to be a way back. I’m here for the children mainly and because of the upheaval.
However I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t feel I can talk to dh about it, I don’t feel we are close enough. I’ve asked him for oral sex a few times and he’s said no, which is fair enough but it makes me feel disgusting. He only seems to want penetrative sex, in the missionary position. That’s it.

Asexual...that’s the word!!

my dad once said to me when i told him about my marriage issues: "any man who ignores his 40-something wife in the bedroom is asking for a divorce."

Of course, it's only one part of a partnership, but for many that closeness is what gives them self-confidence and strength. Very important for a woman in her mid-life crisis!!

Get relationship counselling before it's too late. Be honest about your feelings. I know it's terribly nerve-wrecking to do so, but this will eat you up if you don't. (I did with me. Although i'm now happy & single, I do admit that divorce was not easy and maybe maybe talking earlier may have helped)

I also recognise the possibility of ASD. I've thought this could be DH for quite a long time now, as sometimes he's just kind of, unusual, anxious, can't seem to learn stuff re technology etc, isn't good socially. . . Also, my eldest son shows similar signs and others have noticed how similar they are in mood.
Also, he seems to think the lack of sex is my fault, and that I'm asexual (not that he's used the word) And i think he is asexual!

Also, I saw a post further up that I relate to - we didn't have sex on our wedding night either!! I was in the jacuzzi in our suite at the hotel, waiting, and he'd fallen asleep. That was the end of that.
So the next year for our first anniversary, i booked the same room in the hotel (paid for the bloody thing myself) and the same thing happened again! He fell asleep in front of George Gently, and that night was over too.
Then when it was our 10th anniversary I decided to put my wedding dress on (partly because the kids had seen it hanging up in their room for their whole lives but had never seen it on, so wanted to show them) Went down the stairs and the kids both said "Wow! Princess Mammy!!" and DH barely looked up from the telly. . .
Last night I went downstairs wrapped in a short towel, legs freshly shaved, sexy wet hair etc, not a flicker....

Another one here. Although it's only been a few months for me. We used to have sex once a week at most but then this started to dwindle as he was struggling to keep it up. I thought it was ED but he confessed that he doesn't see me sexually any more. Says that he loves me, cares for me, still thinks I'm attractive but doesn't want me in that way.

I'm struggling to cope with it, don't think I can be in a sexless marriage. I'm in my 30s and the thought of never having sex again makes me sad. We don't have DC so at least that makes it easier to leave but apart from the sex we have a great relationship so giving up on it feels such a waste.

Feels so good to get that off my chest!

Joining the dry party

@FruitCakeCentral I also wish dh would do something I could kick him out for, because right now I'm sure he feels he's done absolutely nothing wrong to warrant me wanting to separate, and I'd be the bad guy. Totally.

I always wonder when a man claims to have a low libido how sky high it would be suddenly if a young nubile woman with curves in all the right places would be
I think it's basically 'i don't want sex with you'
Oh well...someone else will

You all have another thing in common. The ability to do something about your situations. I tend to side with the poster who says it is a form of abuse. it’s certainly a form of control. Withholding the one thing that you know your partner wants from you, weakening their confidence and self esteem.

If you must stay for whatever reason you have chosen, then I would certainly be looking for some escape elsewhere.

Anothername- you can bet it would be through the roof!

I thought it was ED but he confessed that he doesn't see me sexually any more. Says that he loves me, cares for me, still thinks I'm attractive but doesn't want me in that way.

Then he doesn't want a marriage. He wants a hobby partner.

Then when it was our 10th anniversary I decided to put my wedding dress on (partly because the kids had seen it hanging up in their room for their whole lives but had never seen it on, so wanted to show them) Went down the stairs and the kids both said "Wow! Princess Mammy!!" and DH barely looked up from the telly. . .
Last night I went downstairs wrapped in a short towel, legs freshly shaved, sexy wet hair etc, not a flicker....

This is hard for me to read. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to put up with being dismissed like this. It must be lonely, redeeming aspects not-with-standing.

Bold fail.

I also wish dh would do something I could kick him out for, because right now I'm sure he feels he's done absolutely nothing wrong to warrant me wanting to separate, and I'd be the bad guy.
So is the only reason you are not separating the fact that you don't want to be seen as the bad guy, or are there other reasons you can't leave?
If you can afford to leave financially, just do it. Don't worry about who will be seen as the bad guy. Life is too short to live like this!

@anothernamejeeves, alhough I don't claim to be beautiful, I am curvey in the right places and consider myself to be sexy. I know deep down the right gy would find me attractive. I certainly do get attention fto guys. Just not my guy and that really hurts.

He claims he loves me and finds me sexy but just doesn't want to pit the effort in.

There was a post about small penises, and one poster suggesting that if the woman put a bit more effort in with pelvic thrusts and strengtheing pelvic floor muscles and arching herself etc etc to make it more pleasurable; well guess what, that was me, I did all that with his ED condition and he's got used to it where I'm fed up. Why should I put all that effort in the bedroom department when he refuses to seek medical advice?

I know with all the skills that I've developed I could I have amazing sex with someone else. But I don't and won't because I know that's wrong. But what is also wrong is him expecting me to **ing carry on the way we are.

No. Thank. You.

Me too! Together 20 years, married 15. No sex on wedding night. Conceived kids quickly each time, and shagging pretty much stopped about 13 years ago.
Also pondered whether he’s gay.
Didn’t really bother me for years, tbh, but recently it has, and I’m in danger of falling for someone I work with, which could be a car crash.
Maybe a PP idea of finding a FWB could be a plan. I’ve got to do something!

I should add, Ive asked a few times over the years if he’s gay, but he has always said “no” in response.

Reasons for not leaving are:

I don't have the confidence to go out with another man incase he said the same thing.
I don't have the finances to leave, but I've worked out that in 2 years I'll be OK
I'm in the middle of building a new career, to facilitate a life without him.
Sex has become an issue, the elephant in the room, rather than fun
I've forgotten what to do.
I don't want to hurt my DC who adore their dad

If I didn't have DC I'd be off like a shot, shagging everything in sight.

I need more time. In 2 years time I won't have the responsibilities I have now and could manage better financially.

Also considered that DH is gay or bi or possibly abused in the past. He's just not comfortable sexually. He is also very homophobic etc. but in the past I've seen gay men come onto him. When PS came out last week DH took quite an interest in it and kept quiet when I was slagging PS off for lying to his wife.

This sounds wrong but it's not like DH has any qualities that you'd find in a gay man so it's not like everyone knows except me. He's a big burly manly bloke who looks testosterone loaded.

Similar reasons to @FruitCakeCentral.
Although I claim to be sexy, who really knows if I got into an actual relationship what would happen. I don't think I could take that kind of rejection again.
I have a few dcs, all different ages with all their demands and needs.
Plus we're just about financially stable.
I'm working on a career and putting all my energy into that. Hopefully it will pay off in the long run, especially if I do seperate.
On a side, I think I beed to leave because I'd rather be alone than with him, not to be with anyone. I've got to really think about that.

need not beed. Lol

We all need the run for the hills!!!!!

The conflict I have is that the feeling of 'I can't go on like this, we have to separate' is exactly the same size as the feeling of 'I can't do it, i have to give the kids their stability.' So I cannot resolve this in my mind.
I had accepted a life without sex or affection or being wanted, until someone came along and turned my world upside down, and my eyes were suddenly open to what I could have. I think I've let that go now, I've taken so long about it :(

Same here lemme, I think I'd rather be alone too. I don't know if I want to put up with another man. I may find a horny dog but he would just extract his pound of flesh some other way.

I left my (long) marriage for this very reason. Just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve four kids and since I told him to move out I’ve never been happier. I have a wonderful partner now and a wonderful sex life. You can’t spend the rest of your life like this OP. You’re too young, you deserve better and you know it. Good luck.

@paris14eme How did you ask him to leave? This is my problem. I want to stay in the house, it's the kids' home, but can't see how I can make him go??? Were both your names on the mortgage??