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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

387 replies

Breathingunderwater · 15/02/2020 15:22

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 15/02/2020 18:48

I’m very lucky

Really?

I wouldn't want to be you Confused

PleaseStopCallingMe · 15/02/2020 18:50

If you'd be better off in a divorce settlement - it's probably financial abuse.

Kirkman · 15/02/2020 18:53

That was not false information. Benefits are for those who have no savings or very minimal. Makes sense.

Nope. I put 50k in my property when I left exh. If the money is in a property, that you live in and you only have that house (no others) and not loads in savings you can claim.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/02/2020 18:54

To answer your question clearly - yes, it’s financial abuse and you are not spoilt.

You make it possible for him to earn that money, you aren’t freeloading. I’m looking to go back to work after being a stay at home mum (I had access to our bank account and never needed to “ask” for money, though we always discussed big purchases, whoever made them). I would have to earn about 80k to pay for someone to do everything I do at home that my DH doesn’t - childcare, school run, general chauffer, cooking, shopping, cleaning, organizing, teaching, gardening, laundry, picking up all the pieces that everyone else drops. Of course when I go back we won’t hire people to do all that. Our Quality of life will slip in someways and we’ll all pitch in and cover the rest. In return we’ll have more cash to spend which will increase our quality of life in some ways. But I have in no way been freeloading while a SAHM.

In your case when you go back to work your DH isn’t going to pick up any of the slack is he? Is he going to expect your wages to help fund family expenses while he fails to pick up any of the domestic load?

You haven’t said how you feel about him? Do you love him? Do you like him? Is he fun to be around? Do you look forward to him coming home for reasons other than that he’ll pay for a bit more stuff? I find it hard to imagine being happy to be with someone who is so unkind and uncaring enough to see his family struggle for money when he has plenty and is going on holidays without them.

I think you should find a way to get some legal advice (if you really have to, borrow money from family or get a credit card to put it on) to find out what your situation would be if you divorced. I think you would be in a much better position to pursue a job if you weren’t encumbered with this DH. The longer you wait to go back to work the weaker your personal financial position will be for the rest of your life and you do not seem to have the sort of DH that makes that likely to be OK.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 15/02/2020 18:55

You are not lucky if you have to sell things on ebay to be able to do things with your children (they are not just yours, are they). You sound unlucky and unhappy. I work (not full time), my husband is a very high earner. We have always had a joint bank account. It is family money.

itallworkedoutok · 15/02/2020 18:57

@Purplewhitelie she has stated she has no savings!! If she leaves she will have nothing is she suppose to feed her children on house equity? Stop scaremongering

PleaseStopCallingMe · 15/02/2020 18:57

A net annual salary of £100k means a gross salary of £170k.

A quick calculation using the child maintenance tool on the .gov website tells me that

Your child maintenance calculation is £481.98 a week or £2,087.04 a month

So not even taking into consideration the money you'd get in a divorce settlement - your minimum child maintenance would be triple what he gives you now.

Why are you still married to this man? What do you get from this relationship?

TorkTorkBam · 15/02/2020 18:58

Get divorced. You will be a lot better off when you get more than half of the house and decent child maintenance payments. You also won't be married to a dickhead. Win win.

TorkTorkBam · 15/02/2020 19:00

You'll be entitled to half of the marital savings. "His" savings are half yours. That's how marriage works. Morally yours too because your scrimping has allowed him to put money into the savings account.

Original poster
Breathingunderwater · 15/02/2020 19:01

As I understand it - if he had the children 50% of the time he wouldn’t have to give me anything? He couldn’t facilitate it very easily but he’d want to so he wouldn’t have to pay me anything. I could see him moving back to his mum’s and basically leaving her with them.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 15/02/2020 19:04

If he works abroad a court is not going to give him 50/50.

12345kbm · 15/02/2020 19:06

OP don't get info from a bunch of strangers of MN. You need a decent Family Lawyer here (look for a shark). Get advice first thing Monday and take it from there.

peanutbuttermarmite · 15/02/2020 19:08

Bit you’d have half the savings to use to start a new life with even if he really did go for a 50/50 childcare split.

peanutbuttermarmite · 15/02/2020 19:08

Yes gather some financial information on the house, savings and get legal advice.

AhNowTed · 15/02/2020 19:09

The fact that even you see it as "his" money is worrying and totally wrong.

peanutbuttermarmite · 15/02/2020 19:09

If you’re a SAHP with a good lawyer you may get spousal support for a period that allows you to retrain, ask about that too.

BaolFan · 15/02/2020 19:10

As I understand it - if he had the children 50% of the time he wouldn’t have to give me anything? He couldn’t facilitate it very easily but he’d want to so he wouldn’t have to pay me anything. I could see him moving back to his mum’s and basically leaving her with them.

And this is why you need a solicitor. He can't have them 50/50 if he's working and planning to use wraparound and overnight childcare. You ask for the court to award residency to you on the basis that you are the primary carer. Plus you can ask for it to be written into the order that you have to be given first refusal for any requirement for overnight childcare - which will stop him dumping them at his Mum's.

He can't have it both ways - not pay for his kids to be looked after yet have as little to do with them as possible. And it's about time he realised that.

See a solicitor as a priority. You need someone who is used to dealing with high earners and abusive men - they'll know all the tricks.

Jaxhog · 15/02/2020 19:12

He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money

No! It's JOINT money. Otherwise, you're just his housekeeper /childminder on minimum wage. If he won't give at least what you'd get as a single divorced parent, then get a divorce. If he's away most of the time, you'll barely notice the difference, and you'll be better off financially.

Harakeke · 15/02/2020 19:17

I couldn’t live with this - he’s effectively trapped you into unpaid work.

In my house, I am the low earner but all money goes into a single pot. if I want to go for a weekend away with friends or whatever i just book it. That’s pretty standard in a partnership.

Ilovepinot · 15/02/2020 19:27

You should bill your husband for the childcare provided.

bluebluezoo · 15/02/2020 19:28

And this is why you need a solicitor. He can't have them 50/50 if he's working and planning to use wraparound and overnight childcare

Would you say that about a working mum? I do shifts - if dh and i split up i’d need wrap around and overnight care, which would likely be my mum or an au pair.

doadeer · 15/02/2020 19:29

I find this so scary OP. And your updates just further demonstrate what a monster he is.

He gives you £600 out of £8000?! I actually can't even believe it.

Please get a career. If your relationship breaks down (or already has?) don't leave yourself vulnerable.

There's much better advice on here than I could offer - it really sounds like you're having a rotten time and in my mind this is far from normal.

Are your family supportive?

BaolFan · 15/02/2020 19:30

Bluebluezoo I'd say it about any parent regardless of their sex, if that parent was only looking to have 50/50 as an obvious attempt to mitigate child maintenance payments, as they had no track record of caring for the children prior to that.

If you have a track record of providing equal or greater care for your children, then your situation is different. If you read the OP he spends as little time as possible with them, so the idea that he'd genuinely want 50/50 for any other reason than to control costs is laughable.

PetiteMuffin · 15/02/2020 19:31

I’m a sahm. My dh’s salary goes into a joint account for us both to spend. No controlling, no arguments about money and who pays for what, etc. He also makes decisions with pensions, etc that will protect me and give me income if me dies first. It’s called love and trust. I wouldn’t accept anything less.

supadupapupascupa · 15/02/2020 19:32

Wtf? Op you are loaded. Seriously, you and your dh are loaded. He's deliberately preventing you from the money. SERIOUSLY divorce him and take him to court. You'd get FAR more that way! Then leave him to spend his money......