Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

You are extremely unlucky and you have been brainwashed into believing otherwise. You are in a controlling and abusive relationship. Your husband is only able to earn that money because you are staying at home to look after the children.

Try to look to the future op if you stay in this situation. It might not be impacting on your children yet if they are small and it sounds like you do your best to compensate.
But as they get older their needs will increase and more importantly so will their awareness.
What they will learn is that a controlling and financially abusive man is normal and that a submissive controlled woman is also normal. Do you want this legacy for them? If not now is the time to change it somehow. You have to be strong for their sakes.

Whenever these financial abuse threads pop up, the DH is always, always a massive fucking high earner.

Jesus Christ. 100k+ take home and you get 7% for your living expenses and to spend. You do realise a cleaner or nanny would be paid loads more!? His attitude is quite sickening.

You are being financially abused.

1. leave him, earn your own money and look after your dc plus maintenance

2. have a firm financial conversation that if it isn't joint money your only option is to leave him

3. head buried in the sand

I can say this because I was you 5 years ago.

I'm still happily married. I have more say in finances and have access to joint funds. I chose option 2.

And trust me, moving back to his mum is far more humiliating than giving you access to a joint account.

It’s ridiculous how many men see the money they get paid as their money and their wife as a paid housekeeper/nanny. Presumably he doesn’t want a divorce? If not then you need to tell him that things need to change.

Probably has no idea how much it really costs to look after a family.If he’s not open to an adult discussion with you ,you can ask him to have an adult conversation with your solicitor

OP haven't read this whole thread but just to say I also get a set allowance from my husband so am quite surprised it automatically gets called financial abuse

What is he doing with all his money?!?! Do you know? Has he another 3 families he's supporting?? Strange he feels he has to say "I'm not spending any money this month" like he feels poor and needs to save.

It’s ridiculous how many men see the money they get paid as their money and their wife as a paid housekeeper/nanny

True. But up until this afternoon, OP was fine with it. And had been for years. "He earned it, he should spend it". She didn't have the conversation early on for whatever reason, then went on to have two kids with him.

Why have children or even sex with someone that treats you as a commodity that he pays for?
And pays for cheaply!

What a tightarse

I'd be getting a job and leaving him with half the child care.

Or I'd be leaving him full stop

@Breathingunderwater

As I understand it - if he had the children 50% of the time he wouldn’t have to give me anything? He couldn’t facilitate it very easily but he’d want to so he wouldn’t have to pay me anything. I could see him moving back to his mum’s and basically leaving her with them.

A few points:

• The fact that he'd only want 50% custody so he didn't have to pay you anything speaks VOLUMES about both your and your children's value to this man *He would not get 50% custody if he works abroad and would rely on his mother for the vast majority of childcare, when their own mother is willing and able to do the care

The online calculator says the following:

Father never has the children
Your child maintenance calculation is £481.98 a week or £2,087.04 a month

Father has the children 1 night a week or less
Your child maintenance calculation is £481.98 a week or £2,087.04 a month

Father has the children 1-2 nights a week
Your child maintenance calculation is £413.07 a week or £1,788.60 a month

Father has the children 2-3 nights a week
Your child maintenance calculation is £344.13 a week or £1,490.16 a month

Father has the children 3 nights a week
Your child maintenance calculation is £275.21 a week or £1,191.69 a month

Father has the children more than 3 nights a week
Your child maintenance calculation is £219.99 a week or £952.58 a month

So even if he had them for MORE THAN 50% of the time - you'd STILL be getting more in child maintenance then he allows you now.

Yes it's financial abuse and I have been there. It's horrible having to ask for money to get a hair cut etc.

The relationship ended and I refuse to be in a situation like that again. I earn my own money now. It's not a lot but it pays the bills.

Good luck

@peanuts22 you would do yourself a great favour if you did rtft ....

He’s a high earner and you are selling tat on eBay just to take your kids out?

I would try and get back to work ASAP
It is always a risk to be financially dependent on a spouse

Going back to work doesn’t solve the problem. OP will be expected to do all the SAHP work and her work on top. She may then have her own money but she still won’t have access to his so the financial abuse will continue. Her working simply enables his continuing financial abuse.

He may well try and make her pay for childcare. She will certainly end up spending a disproportionate amount on the kids, impacting her savings and pension.

The only solution to abuse is to get out.

Equal access to money and leisure is my bottom line in a relationship involving children, regardless of working arrangements.

We’ve discussed me returning to work and one of the stipulations is that he, as the partner with an established career would have to be responsible for emergency childcare for the first 12 months while I establish credibility in the work place.

We’ve also clearly discussed the need to redistribute housework to evenings and weekends and cut back on leisure and travel. He’s aware that he wouldn’t be able to depend on me for his own work crises, or call me for chats when he has a convenient minute or work late on a whim.

We’ve also discussed what salary I could expect to clear after tax, childcare, upgrading my wardrobe and general grooming, as well as contributions to office collections for birthdays/charities and the necessary socialising.

We’ve discussed what kind of childcare would work, particularly for our sn ds and what extra curricular activities should be kept up/dropped and how we would manage to schedule support services for ds.

In short, dh is very clear on the considerable benefits my role as a sahm brings to his career, his lifestyle and our dc.

We’ve also evaluated the impact of this choice on my earning potential, financial security and mental health. We’ve discussed his feelings at being the only wage earner, and taken steps to protect his income.

I didn’t plan on being a sahm and in the beginning had a lot of guilt (and a bit of shame) about it. We were falling into some problematic patterns at the start, and it took some clear conversations to find a workable basis.

I’ve laid out our discussion points if you want to try and talk this through. I will say that dh is a very decent person, committed to the idea of family and naturally disposed to see me as an equal. He also runs several companies and is familiar with the legality of financially separating himself personally from a company so was predisposed to think of family as a business model. At his worst he was only guilty of taking me for granted and being a bit lazy. I can’t imagine him being as disrespectful or contemptuous as your dh has been. I don’t mean that unkindly. But the personal risk of being a sahm is not something to take lightly and I’m not sure I’d take that risk with someone I didn’t trust.

You need to show facts. prepare a spreadsheet, start documenting the costs and say you need more. He sounds tighter than a ducks a'hole .. he is not loving nor sharing the real costs of raising children and having a life style befitting the family income. How are groceries and utilities paid? He is begrudging you and the children of a lifestyle you should be enjoying.

Wow OP, that sounds extremely unfair.

I am the much bigger earner and my DH also gets an allowance.

However...

I get exactly the same allowance
Anything for our DD goes from the joint account
DH has equal access to the joint account

So sad to read your updates OP, about how hes earned his money etc...it’s family money. You do realise a full time nursery for 1 child is c.
1200-1500 quid a month x that by 2, + cleaner= Doesn’t equal 600quid does it?
Fuck it - divorce him, stay in the house and don’t go back to work!

I suspect if you went back to work, he would reduce your monthly allowance by the amount of your salary.

You'd be better off divorcing him and going to csa (or whatever it's called now) for decent maintenance.

OP I really hope that, if your situation is genuinely as you describe it, you will divorce him as per the advice already offered. There is no reason for my woman to accept this and you should not continue to allow your children to live in relative poverty (relative in that you have no housing costs to pay, but your food budget is abysmal and presumably they can't do ant extra-curricular activities). You need to accept some responsibility for facilitating this situation if you don't act, so please do. This is meant kindly, as a bit of a wake-up call.