Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

Oh, he is.
How any person can do this to their own children is beyond reprehensible.

I would be questioning the whole relationship. There's usually more involved than one kind of abuse.

It might be a good idea to talk to someone from Woman's Aid or something. Or if you have someone in your life who won't just tell you what you want to hear to placate you.

It is financial abuse no question of that and he is a very selfish man who is completely oblivious as to what it would cost him if you left.

Assuming you are ‘happily married’ which I’m not sure about. Is he aware of your expenses v his, if he travels on business expenses so no car, food or living expenses the whole time is he completely unaware of how much everything costs. Not that this excuses his behaviour and even considering this it’s still a ridiculously unfair distribution of wealth.

What DH and I used to do and we have never had a joint account. I had a little box in the kitchen with a notebook for all spends and receipts went in there too plus receipts for bank withdrawals because DH is a little bit anal.

I bought what the dc and I needed, and all the food, paid the window cleaner, etc. On the last Sunday of every month I added it all up and DH had a quick look and wrote a cheque. He never questioned a single penny! Occasionally he said in the early years "three clients haven't paid me, can you go easy this month".

Are you actually married?

You have £10 a day in the holidays and he earns 100k and you have to ask if he is financially abusive - yes!! and he has you in such a low place you have to ask on here.

Divorce him. This is no partner or family man seeing his family struggle like this.

This is dreadful! The fact that he discusses buying himself expensive things for himself knowing fully well how much you are struggling and literally have to beg for money is chilling. I'm sure there's lots more control over you isn't there, does he insist on you cooking certain things, does he control the house? So many people think domestic violence is hitting but it rarely is. It's about control, power and domination. The fact you don't feel you can question him is worrying and not normal. Please contact Women's aid for advise and a potential exit plan. These men often turn nasty once you leave. You will be much better off as a single mum.

This isn’t ideal op. I’m a stay at home mum, my partner isn’t a high earner but not on a low wage either. He’s never given me a budget but encourages me to be careful and not over spend.

Every single bill and the mortgage comes out of his bank account apart from my phone contract. Whatever is left is for all of us.

Oh said his mums late husband (his stepdad) always give her an ‘allowance’ to cover food, days out for the kids in holiday, kids clothes and holidays, her costs. It wasn’t nearly enough. Because oh wasn’t his son he didn’t want to provide for him (different scenario to you I know) but my oh did not have a dad around, this guy met his mum knowing full well she had a child. She was working and had her own house but give it all up to move in with him miles away from her family so she struggled to find childcare and work. Slightly off topic but yes I do think what you are experiencing is borderline financial abuse.

Is it possible he doesn’t realise how much things actually cost with kids? Could you ask for more?

He has a duty to provide for his family. If you worked also he probably couldn’t work abroad. You are doing all the hard work with your children! Being a stay at home mum is incredibly hard!

Give him an invoice. You are working cleaning, cooking and doing childcare. That's not time you get to spend doing whatever you want. You are doing that job 24/7. That's 168 hours a week. At the minimum wage of £8.21 an hour, that's £1379 a week. Or £71,000 a year.
If you were actually getting paid as a member of staff, he owes you a LOT of money, whether you see it or not. Money he gives you to spend on the kids is not money for you.
This is 100% financial abuse, as PPs have said. I suspect you'd get more money as a single mother on benefits with three kids. Child maintenance for 3 kids should be 19% of his gross weekly income. You're not even getting 1/4 of that right now. He is not only financially abusing you, he is not paying the bare minimum for his kids.

Whether it's financial abuse or not, it's a shit marriage. As another poster said - did you skip the bit in marriage ceremony about "all that i have I share with you"?

This is not normal, most couples who decide that one person stays at home with the kids share everything. This whole "my money" and "his money" is totally the wrong mindset.

£300 might seem a lot, but not when the other person has far more money to spend on his treats. The op shouldn't have to think about how to get a hair cut or even visit the dentist.

When a couple decides that one is going to be a sahp, then this also has to include that all their spends come from one pot. If extra money is needed for things like dentists, it should be there. Not something that that saph has to go cap in hand begging for, of course if they feel confident enough to do so.

The simple fact that the op is very reluctant to do this, says a lot about how he is controlling her in some way.

Go back to work would absolutely be my advice

Why don’t you get a part time job?

If she goes back to work she will have to shoulder all the SAHP responsibilities with work on top.

The only way to deal with this situation is to get out.

Go back to work, but make it clear that paying for childcare is his responsibility.

@Purplewhitelie why are you giving false information to the poor lady.

She can claim universal credits even if she has equity in a house, she may not even need to work depending on the age of her youngest. Child maintainance does not effect her benefits only spousal maintenance does.

This women needs support, not scare mongering into staying! If your going to give advise make sure it's factually correct.

As you sound like a man like her husband!!

She also will not qualify for free childcare while she is this relationship as her husband earns too much!

And buy yourselves and the kids good stuff but give him beans on toast.

I was in the same situation. It's FA. I remember asking for more money once as I was going into debt while he was going around spending 20+k on a car. Got told to get a job.

Got a job, this was also unacceptable as I was "neglecting the kids"

I left.

I'm not working. I have full access to all OUR money. They is no 'his' money as we are a family. This is while we only have a teen at home too, it's not like I have to amuse him either (just keep his duvet clean and provide snacks).

I think you need to sit down and tell him you want to see all of your financial arrangements. You are facilitating his career and it's severely impacting on your financial security. I bet a nanny would cost him a lot more than you do when he's on his fancy holidays. Also, get a job.

What makes me so cross about these situations is that the OP says that she grew up in a house where her mum was SAHM but everything was shared and they had a joint account.

Yet when it comes to her own marriage, she drifts along for years thinking that this is OK, normal and what other people do. She tells herself it's OK because her DH earned the money. Even though she knows it isn't. And goes on to have not one, but two children with this incredibly selfish individual.

@FusionChefGeoff depends where you are... £60+ a day at my DD nursery and it’s a midline priced one!

Yes UC can be a nightmare depending on where you are and who you see. However, this isn't any reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Op can get advice about finances from CAB and entitled.to
I'd suggest to also see a lawyer, but there's no money for this, although there should be.

Hope the op is married and not using dh in the common law sense, as this puts her in a very vulnerable position than she already is in.

Jesus Christ, see a solicitor and file for divorce. You will literally be better off financially and emotionally.

That was not false information. Benefits are for those who have no savings or very minimal. Makes sense.

Not sure if you are being financially abused but he is certainly being financially controlling.
You need to give exact figures for us to be able to judge.
I have been in your shoes and wish I had woken up to it much earlier. Difference is that I did not have £300 left over to do things with the children or spend £120 on petrol as a sahm. Most activities we did were free. So in that repsect you seem to have quite a lot of disposable income compared to myself back then.
However without a doubt you should have equal access to the joint bank account and it should be seen as family money.
I spent many years chasing my ex through the courts as he was still trying desparately to hang on to what he saw as 'his' money and he was a high earner too.
Good luck, but I agree lan for the future and get yourself back to work and start building your pwnsion.

Divorce him. Then he'll see how much the Courts think is fair; he'll be very sorry.