Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

100k divided by 12 is more than 8000 a month!
You should have 4000 a month not blooming 600 quid! You should be driving fancy car and shopping in Harrods on that. 1000 a week.

He's spending 7400 a month! To your 600. Think about that.

All this ‘equal’ stuff is sheer nonsense. If she had half of it she would STILL be covering her expenditure plus two growing children.
Equal is a nonsense. The family money should cover the family needs. Including the children. I don’t understand the big man issuing a paltry amount to the little woman who has to scrimp and sell things to raise their children, while he fucks about with treating himself to designer watches and cashmere sweaters.
The bank is closed. The nursery is closed. The kitchen is closed. The cleaner has resigned. The relationship is done.
There is no relationship, save that of rich CEO and less than minimum wage worker.

The thing is about these posts there is only one solution. Get a job or if you leave him you will have to get a job.

If you have equity in your home you will get no state benefit also.

OP, I agree you don’t sound at all lucky - I’d say this is financial abuse. My DH is currently a SAHD (just easier for now as he’s completing higher education and studies a lot from home). From my monthly wage we pay our rent and bills and food, and a certain amount for savings, and another set amount for the children’s needs (toys, nappies, days our, clothes, etc). Lastly we take an equal amount each to enjoy as we please (a certain amount each per month for shopping/hobbies/fun). I don’t get more just because I was the one at work - he was working at home taking care of our children so that I could go to work to earn the money! He makes us delicious meals and keeps the house clean and does an equal amount of work so of course he and I get an equal amount of money to enjoy?

You’re not being spoiled, he has all the financial control. I wouldn’t want that, regardless of what jobs we were doing.

How can you sleep with this man? What possible attraction can you have to such an arsehole? Aren't you repulsed by someone who is like this on the inside? How can you even look at him without vomiting in his face?

You need to divorce him, not because you will be far better off financially, but because he is simply disgusting.

You do not need to confront him. You do not need to persuade him that his 'point of view' is unreasonable. You don't need him to agree that you are unhappy and you don't need to worry about him shutting you down. You can simply start divorce proceedings because you cannot go on living with a man who is so repulsive.

OP I’m not going to ask you if you love him, but do you like him? My suspicion is not, at the moment. I would have thought you must resent him so badly that you can’t.

Does he buy you gifts? Does he ask you what you might like for Xmas and birthdays?

Does he genuinely believe he gives you enough money? Do you keep a record of what you spend it on?

As absolutely everyone has told you, yes you are being financially abused, and yes you would get more in maintenance.

Claim your child benefit - fuck him and the tax bill

And yes, you do need to go back to work and fortunately, the dc are at an age where you get some free nursery - think about what you want from the rest of your life. Fairly sure begging your DH for haircuts isn’t what you want to carry on.

You and the children will struggle if you leave him but that is the choice you take. Universal credit is a terrible system.

Do you see things at all differently now OP? Now you've read the replies? Still think you might being spoilt by your DH? Wake up. You're being totally shafted

Please say you will get out OP. It’s very difficult to watch a fellow woman being treated as a caged animal with a zookeeper.

If he wanted to solve this then he would sit with you and work out realistic budgets, including a pension for you. I had this with Ex, he knew he couldn't deny too much money as would easily be accused of financial abuse however it didn't stop his attitude. I was "less than" him despite initially being the higher earner. It is this attitude which is destructive to marriages.

I also echo the warning that if you try to leave be prepared for punishment so plan quietly.

I don't think she needs to go back to work and I think saying that will just make keep her with him.
She can fight to make situation better using expensive solicitor to make him see error of his ways, and poss stay in marriage
Or
Divorce also using expensive solicitor (he pays) and be FAR better off, for life.

I think her working comparatively low paid job and paying childcare is terrible advice. She is his wife. She has plenty of rights.

Also I assume she will not want this and end up staying with him as is.

You need to return to work part-time as your husband is not the sort of man to be financially dependent on - it is financial abuse and humiliating for you

Actually £1000k extrapolates to about £5.5k pcm depending on pension contributions/student loan etc.

Presumably he pays mortgage and utilities, house insurance, car insurance and for holidays, etc. If you have a big mortgage all of that may come to £3.5k or thereabouts. We can't really know.

If he has £2k left and gives you £600 for food, car insurance, phone, everything for the dc, your clothes, hair, etc, yes that's beyond tight and bordering upon abuse.

When I was a sahm more than 20 years ago I spent about £750 to £800pcm on food, petrol, haircuts, children's clothes and had more for mine and things like the dentist, tumble tots, etc, although we did a lot of free park, had a season ticket for the museums that weren't free then and were bliss and coffee shops hadn't really kicked in. We went to each other's houses and toddler group for 50p. A mini milk was 20p on the way home.

My DH can be a selfish sod and did buy himself a wanky sports car without consultation but if I'd needed the dentist or a night out or the dc needed shoes it was encouraged and given freely. And neither of us are the last of the big spenders.

If that's being spoilt I dread to think of what abuse would be like.

Why should he have holidays, and expensive things whilst his family suffers?
He's selfish, nothing nice about that. His children should be his first priority, not himself.

I wouldn't be waiting until September to get a job, And if you decide to stick with this person, have an interesting conversation about what happens then. Chances are he will deduct money because of your earnings, when in reality, even now he should be paying for various help including a nanny.

Your job is taking care of the house and children giving him the time to focus on his career. You are no longer in the workforce or paying into a pension and you are enabling him to continue to work.

A full time nanny and housekeeper would be way more than he is paying now.

You should have shared finances and equal spending money. It's fair enough if he puts some by to save but he shouldn't have a ton of cash and you are having to beg for scraps.

You really need to work out how you can get back into work OP. You are vulnerable with this man. Is he controlling in other ways? I would start of by discussing a shared bank account.

@OhTheRoses
Op has already said mortgage-free.

normal financial relationship for those married and sprogged, regardless of who earns: both have full knowledge of income and outgoings, both have full control. This assumes both are sensible so know that there must be six months of expenses stashed and a plan for the future when earning power stops.

only doesn't work if one is a fritterer. Sounds like he is but there is the cash - but he's not letting you fritter too.

So yes, you are a paid breeder/nanny. Sorry.

One of my friends was in this situation. Her husband earns very well, has lots in savings etc. He gave her an allowance that only just covered the essentials each week. She had to save where she could to make sure she had money put aside for things like shoes and clothes for their two children. She had to ask him if she ever needed more money and explain why she needed it. It wasn't until she spoke to friends that she realised it wasn't a fair situation. She genuinely seemed to think every SAHM was in the same situation.

She decided she would find herself a job. When her husband realised how much they'd be spending on childcare, he suddenly changed his mind and decided he could afford to raise her 'allowance' quite significantly!

@ffswhatnext I'm sorry I missed that. I'm not usually a swearer but in that case he's an abusive a'hole - actually a fucking abusive a'hole.

OP - his behaviour is atrocious and neither you nor your dc should be living like this. You would be better off alone and even if money were tight you would be accountable only to yourself. It's also no way for your dc to live and they shouldn't have to witness their mother scrimping like this.

I am cross on your behalf.

He likes the control.

Keeping you short for no reason except to stroke his ego.

He's a c*nt.

He sounds controlling which isn’t good and I agree your situation should change so you have more of a say.
Although £300 a month to spend on anything you like seems quite a lot to me!

That's horrific abuse.

Work out how much childcare should cost £40 per day x 2 x 5 x 4 is £1,600 to start with.

Plus food plus all the other shit is well over £2.5k a month.

That's what you should be 'worth' OP.

This man is horrible.